First time here

[Twodognight]

Hi,

I'm new to the BPD website and this is my first post on the family board.  I have a 35 y/o daughter that does not know she has BPD but as she grew up was diagnosed with ADD and Oppositional Defiance.  So her behaviors have always been difficult, risky, and sometimes immoral.   Recently, during some personal therapy to help me deal better with her irrational behaviors, it became obvious that my daughter has BPD also.  She is NC with me as of July and refuses to speak to me because I got angry when she forgot that her father was having surgery and even after she was reminded, she didn't bother to call him.  She was married a few months ago and it seems crazy that her dad was walking her down the aisle at her wedding and now she doesn't even call when he's had some serious surgery.  She moved to a very liberal city and I've seen a change in her behavior since she moved there.  She participates in more risky behaviors and takes more chances with her safety.  Her husband is very passive and agrees with whatever my daughter wants to do.  

It's hard to believe that this is the person that we raised who could be so cold and hurtful to us.  I run conversations through my mind thinking about what I would say to her if and when I ever speak to her again.  I know I have a lot of work to do to get to the point where I can talk to her without the conversation going downhill quickly.    I don't know how she can ever make any progress since she doesn't even know that she has BPD.  I know I can't be the one to tell her and she is not likely to ever go for therapy since she had years of therapy growing up.  Plus she has all the terminology down pat and can be very manipulative with therapists.  She's very intelligent and likes to think she can "best" them and have them think they are helping her when she's just BSing them.  

I love my daughter a lot but her whole life has been very painful - full of disappointments, worry, anxiety and depression.  I'm just plain tired.

Thanks for letting ramble on!

Twodognight

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Twodognight,

Welcome to the Parenting Board.  We are glad to have you here and look forward to being part of your journey towards understanding, personal empowerment, and a better relationship with your daughter.

My daughter was first diagnosed with ODD (oppositional defiant disorder) at age 10.  She also showed signs of ADD (attention deficit disorder) in her early teens and was never officially diagnosed.  It became obvious to me that there was something else going on when the parenting strategies and therapy techniques were not effective.  The search for help quickly led to the diagnoses of "emerging BPD" at age 11 (almost 12). From age 13.5 to 14.5 she was in RTC.  She will be 17 next month and is at the point of recovery.  It has been over 2 years since she met the minimum criteria for the disorder.

Education was the key to the door that led us towards better lives, my daughter and my family.  It can open many doors for you as well.

Have you spent much time learning about how the disorder manifests itself in your daughter?  Once we understand the thinking errors and needs behind the behaviors we can learn how to deal with them and sometimes counteract them.

Caring for your husband and worrying about your daughter surely must be taking a toll on you.  I'm glad to hear you have a t (therapist).  Having a support group like this one is also a good way to take care of yourself.  Do you also have face to face support... .family or friends that you can share your feelings with? 

How is your husband doing now?  Is he recovering well from his surgery?

I will look forward to hearing back from you.

lbjnltx

[peaceplease]

twodognight,

I am so glad that you found this board.  It is a terrific support board.  This site, my own therapy and reading all I could about BPD really helped me.  My dd is 29. 

Perhaps, your dd is feeling a lot of shame and guilt forgetting about her dad.   I understand about your dd fooling the therapist.  I believe that my dd does the same, and I, or others look like the bad guy.  There are more details that she fails to mention to the T.  I have come to accept that my dd may never recover from BPD.  The best I can do is validate her feelings, and set boundaries to protect myself. 

The most important thing that we can do is to take care of ourselves.  That is one question that my former T would ask me every week?  She wanted to know what I have done for myself.     

Come back and post to let us know how you are doing.

peaceplease

[pessim-optimist]

Hello, Twodognight!

I am glad you have found your way here.

As painful as this break in communication is, I want to encourage you: you can use this silence as an opportunity to heal, build your support systems, and take care of your and your husband's needs. (Hoping he is doing well after surgery?) Coping with a child w/BPD can be exhausting.

And when that first task of taking care of yourself is well under way, you can also add learning as much as you can to be ready when your dd contacts you.

I run conversations through my mind thinking about what I would say to her if and when I ever speak to her again.  I know I have a lot of work to do to get to the point where I can talk to her without the conversation going downhill quickly.

That is normal, and your intuition is correct - the conversations would probably go downhill fast, as persons w/BPD require different communicating approach. That type of communication is often counter-intuitive, and that's why we as parents can be of great help, if we learn those communication styles and techniques.

I don't know how she can ever make any progress since she doesn't even know that she has BPD.  I know I can't be the one to tell her and she is not likely to ever go for therapy since she had years of therapy growing up.

We as families can actually be helpful in modelling healthy behavior that is effective with pwBPD (persons with BPD) if we get educated in those areas and use them consistently over time. There are of course no guarantees, but there is hope. If you change your part of the dynamic in the relationship, the relationship itself is likely to change as well.

Take it a step at a time, Twodognight, it is a long-distance run... .

[qcarolr]

Twodognight,

Wanted to welcome you. There are many caring parents here to offer you support. I hope to see you back soon. There are a lot of resources here, lots to learn. It is possible for things to get better for YOU. I found that as I learned more about BPD, more about how to figure out what my core values were and how to protect these with manageable boundaries, and learning new ways to reach out to my BPDDD27 (dear daughter, age 27) such as SET (Support, Empathy, Truth) and Validation things are better.

Would you like links to info on any of these areas?

qcr