Another message

[strikeforce]

Got another very long message today from her, basically saying that she wants to start again but take it slowly.

Last night she sent a huge message about how she feels, how she let me down and about her insecurities and paranoia.

[Ironmanrises]

All of how she is feeling now will last to... .

A. To get back within your walls.

B. only in the time period of idealization until she gets triggered again.

Then hell will commence again for you.

She will only hurt you again.

And again.

Do not reply.

Nothing good will come out of it in the long term.

Hang in there strike.

[heartandwhole]

Hi strikeforce,

How do you feel about this latest message?  Where does it take you?

[strikeforce]

She works a lot, has a son and not many close friends, - not much time to herself. When she lost me she lost not just a loving partner but also someone to talk to, a best friend.

I know that she misses that friend connection with me.

I can see right through the messages heartandwhole, If this was 6 months ago I would text her back, but its not. Its a new phase for me 

[heartandwhole]

I can see right through the messages heartandwhole, If this was 6 months ago I would text her back, but its not. Its a new phase for me 

Hm, sounds like something's going on.  Would love to hear more about this new phase!   

[strikeforce]

I can see right through the messages heartandwhole, If this was 6 months ago I would text her back, but its not. Its a new phase for me 

Hm, sounds like something's going on.  Would love to hear more about this new phase!   

Im no longer desperate to have her back. The dreams have stopped, Im going on a holiday and I am hoping that before the end of the year I will have completely moved forward.

She text me last night and today asking if I was ok since I was quiet, she also mentioned the holiday that we were both ment to be going on but Im not contacting her back.

[strikeforce]

Latest one:

''I miss you, but you have no idea what I have been through recently''

[eeyore]

Latest one:

''I miss you, but you have no idea what I have been through recently''

BPD code for I'll say anything to get  you to just talk to me so that I can then manipulate the next thing I want you to do. 

[eeyore]

Nothing about how she has corrected her bad behavior, nothing about clear actions that would prove her sincerity to make things better. 

[Ironmanrises]

I agree with Eeyore.

Spot on translation.

Notice that it says "what I have been through"... .

No mention at all of what she put you through.

[GreenMango]

Strikeforce

About 6months out I got those lines "we can try again and just take it slow".  When I was skeptical then the self involved pity and guilt tripping started.   Invoking pity is telling - in extreme forms its a way to minimize, rationalize and justify.  It took all of five minutes.  Then the tantrum and threats started.

Im no longer desperate to have her back. The dreams have stopped, Im going on a holiday and I am hoping that before the end of the year I will have completely moved forward

If you truly feel this way I'd recommend not getting any further involved.  It's not really that she has problems or doesn't see them.  It's looks like she's unwilling to do anything about it and is looking for you to make her feel better instead.

What I realized thru this type of situation was the expectation was unreasonable.  When someone has a problem like this we are just a bandaid for a sucking chest wound.  These problems don't miraculously disappear when you come back into her life.

What eeyore asked is pretty potent and leads to go questions if you start to second guess yourself

Nothing about how she has corrected her bad behavior, nothing about clear actions that would prove her sincerity to make things better.

How are things going to be different? What are you doing differently? What have you learned from this experience?  What's your committed plan to address this?

- I'd recommend asking that to any person where the dysfunction has destroyed the relationship and they want to have any kind of relationship again.  

My experience is the reply was a blank stare because the attempt to try again was desperation and impulsive.  It wasn't about ownership and responsibility.

[strikeforce]

Hi greenmango 

Yeah I have been hit with the 'lets get back lets take its slow'

Last time I got back with her she was talking about engagement after one week, so much for slow 

[GreenMango]

Hi greenmango 

Yeah I have been hit with the 'lets get back lets take its slow'

Last time I got back with her she was talking about engagement after one week, so much for slow 

maybe that's slow for her!  This stuff is almost predictably unpredictable.

I got an offer to move in after a week following one recycle.  I was speechless I think I fumbled for some words like I don't think its a good idea right now.  (too bad there isn't a face palm smiley)

Strange thing I've learned is to see when someone is a boundary violator.  They come in different forms - not just BPD.  I consider it one of the few benefits of a relationship like this - the chance to get schooled.

[eeyore]

Strange thing I've learned is to see when someone is a boundary violator.  They come in different forms - not just BPD.  I consider it one of the few benefits of a relationship like this - the chance to get schooled.

I think many of us feel like we've had enough schooling.  We don't want any more. 

[GreenMango]

I apparently hadn't been schooled enough.  I went back for more few times 

[eeyore]

I apparently hadn't been schooled enough.  I went back for more few times 

me too.

[strikeforce]

She sent me a simple 'hows you' followed by 'hows work?' today

This was after saying to me yesterday that she wanted to take things slowly.

[eeyore]

two text messages by themselves isn't that much to too much it's once you do reply what happens after.   

[strikeforce]

I was thinking about what would happen if I did text back

[eeyore]

If you message back you start the cycle again.  By staying away you can't be in the cycle.  (I know it's hard.)

[Ironmanrises]

If you message back you start the cycle again.  By staying away you can't be in the cycle.  (I know it's hard.)

In bold.



Spot on.

And that means any kind of reply to them... .

Whether mean or nice... .

Opens that gate... .

Just enough... .

For them... .

To infiltrate... .

Right past your defenses... .

Into your inner sanctum.

[strikeforce]

Oh yeah it was only a thought  

But since facebook is locked down and the only way she can contact is via text, what would happen if I replied with 'whos this?'

[eeyore]

how did you "lock down" your facebook?

[fiddlestix]

I continue to be amazed at how uncanny the similarities among all our BPD exes are.  In my soon to be ex wife's recent recycle attempt (after many discards) she messaged me: "you are my best friend, you were always there for me.  I have a huge hole in my heart without you... ."  and, "you are still my hubby, I never took my wedding ring off... ."  blah blah blah... .  Well, as you know, not long after these heartfelt pinings she hooked up with a different guy, no explanation to me at all. 

Now, in the midst of divorce proceedings, I get occasional texts from her. I do not respond.  She is not used to that as I had always been at her beckon call.  Always.  I think my silence is causing some confusion (cognitive dissonance?) in her mind.  The last text she said "if you don't want to text back that is fine.  Just email me and I will text you back."  What is the difference whether I text or email a response?  Either way it is my response that she wants. 

Maybe she truly just wants to stay in touch (she claims to want a friendship with me). We do share a 13 year old girl (our child lives with me in the house) and some information needs to be shared.  Yet, her text messages have a funny feel, like she is fishing.  She is not used to my silence; she is not used to having no control over me.  Maybe I am just hoping that she is fishing so I can believe she has not totally let go of me. 

Fiddlestix