In Retrospect, The Thing She Said The Other Night...

[Depression = 72% of members]

... .during my moment of weakness, where I broke the NC/NT rule about us. She asked me to take care of the kids when I found someone else. She wanted to make sure that I left the house to them, as if I were going to abandon them if I got a "new" family. A friend pointed out today that it was projection (not sure if that is the right term), putting her fears of abandonment towards me, still, as if I were going to do to my own children, something like she felt was done to her.

That really pisses me off now the more that I think about it, as if after 6 years, she has no idea who I am. I'm sure I'll break the NT (no talking [about "us"]) rule in the next month or so. I think it is worth bringing up. She is high functioning enough, depending upon her mood, that she might file it and process it later, as I realize that she does with some things that I say.

One other thing I said last week... .not breaking the NT rule, just talking about taking my S3 to Sunday school, was that I was surprised how well the kids responded to me, and I was the de facto leader of the boys' table. She replied, "that's because they sense that you are a father." I didn't think about it at the time, but it fits perfectly with her viewing herself as fragmented, not a whole person; rather, just the separate roles she plays (mother, daughter, sister, caretaker, career woman, lover (to me, then some "kid", friend), rather than a healthy synthesis of a human being.

And in thinking later, though there may be some truth to what she said, I realized that children have always responded well to me. Most of them see through facades. They responded to me because despite the strapping and intimidating lad that I am, I'm really kind, gentle and empathetic; not just a "role" that I play.

Whether or not I ever find it, I definitely deserve better than this woman.

[Turkish]

... .during my moment of weakness, where I broke the NC/NT rule about us. She asked me to take care of the kids when I found someone else. She wanted to make sure that I left the house to them, as if I were going to abandon them if I got a "new" family. A friend pointed out today that it was projection (not sure if that is the right term), putting her fears of abandonment towards me, still, as if I were going to do to my own children, something like she felt was done to her.

That really pisses me off now the more that I think about it, as if after 6 years, she has no idea who I am. I'm sure I'll break the NT (no talking [about "us"]) rule in the next month or so. I think it is worth bringing up. She is high functioning enough, depending upon her mood, that she might file it and process it later, as I realize that she does with some things that I say.

One other thing I said last week... .not breaking the NT rule, just talking about taking my S3 to Sunday school, was that I was surprised how well the kids responded to me, and I was the de facto leader of the boys' table. She replied, "that's because they sense that you are a father." I didn't think about it at the time, but it fits perfectly with her viewing herself as fragmented, not a whole person; rather, just the separate roles she plays (mother, daughter, sister, caretaker, career woman, lover (to me, then some "kid", friend), rather than a healthy synthesis of a human being.

And in thinking later, though there may be some truth to what she said, I realized that children have always responded well to me. Most of them see through facades. They responded to me because despite the strapping and intimidating lad that I am, I'm really kind, gentle and empathetic; not just a "role" that I play.

Whether or not I ever find it, I definitely deserve better than this woman.

[maxen]

That really pisses me off now the more that I think about it, as if after 6 years, she has no idea who I am.

when my wife walked out she said she thought i'd stop making my contributions to our house expenses ( out of bitterness or whatever, i guess). i have always been perfectly reliable in my obligations. it was like after 7 years of marriage, she didn't know who i was.

[Turkish]

That really pisses me off now the more that I think about it, as if after 6 years, she has no idea who I am.

when my wife walked out she said she thought i'd stop making my contributions to our house expenses ( out of bitterness or whatever, i guess). i have always been perfectly reliable in my obligations. it was like after 7 years of marriage, she didn't know who i was.

That is something... .as if I'd take it out my anger towards her on my precious babies... .like she does on everyone close to her due to her anger towards her father. So messed up.

[HarmKrakow]

... .during my moment of weakness, where I broke the NC/NT rule about us. She asked me to take care of the kids when I found someone else. She wanted to make sure that I left the house to them, as if I were going to abandon them if I got a "new" family. A friend pointed out today that it was projection (not sure if that is the right term), putting her fears of abandonment towards me, still, as if I were going to do to my own children, something like she felt was done to her.

That really pisses me off now the more that I think about it, as if after 6 years, she has no idea who I am. I'm sure I'll break the NT (no talking [about "us"]) rule in the next month or so. I think it is worth bringing up. She is high functioning enough, depending upon her mood, that she might file it and process it later, as I realize that she does with some things that I say.

One other thing I said last week... .not breaking the NT rule, just talking about taking my S3 to Sunday school, was that I was surprised how well the kids responded to me, and I was the de facto leader of the boys' table. She replied, "that's because they sense that you are a father." I didn't think about it at the time, but it fits perfectly with her viewing herself as fragmented, not a whole person; rather, just the separate roles she plays (mother, daughter, sister, caretaker, career woman, lover (to me, then some "kid", friend), rather than a healthy synthesis of a human being.

And in thinking later, though there may be some truth to what she said, I realized that children have always responded well to me. Most of them see through facades. They responded to me because despite the strapping and intimidating lad that I am, I'm really kind, gentle and empathetic; not just a "role" that I play.

Whether or not I ever find it, I definitely deserve better than this woman.

Don't forget that BPDers are masters of disguise. I know a BPD woman who is a teacher, and fantastic with children and she treats them well. But only her boyfriend knows how much of an insane witch she is.

Don't forget that BPDers get enabled when they are in a relationship by their partner. It is effectively the NON-BPD which enables the BPD within the BPD person. If that made sense . Meaning, per definition, that someone with BPD can easily come over as a normal human being with anyone else. (Besides the persons she is heavily emotionally invested in).

[DragoN]

Don't forget that BPDers are masters of disguise. I know a BPD woman who is a teacher, and fantastic with children and she treats them well. But only her boyfriend knows how much of an insane witch she is.

Don't forget that BPDers get enabled when they are in a relationship by their partner. It is effectively the NON-BPD which enables the BPD within the BPD person. If that made sense wink. Meaning, per definition, that someone with BPD can easily come over as a normal human being with anyone else. (Besides the persons she is heavily emotionally invested in).

My partner is the "picture perfect" husband to the outside world. No one knew what was going on, only some of the neighbors who had witnessed him chasing me and throwing things and me running away. Also the screaming of his and of course mine at times.

The closer you are to the BPD or the more you matter to them, the worse you trigger them.

[Traumatized]

she has no idea who I am

I can remember one of the times we began a recycle she told me I'd be glad to know things had been going bad for her.   

I remember thinking what?  Why would I be glad that things are going bad for her?  She doesn't even know me at all if she thinks I think like that.  Maybe she'd be glad to hear that things were going bad for me, but I'd never be glad to hear that things were going bad for her.  I only wish good things for her.

It was just another projection.

[Lady31]

Turkish -

I wanted to add another spin/possibility to her original comment.  Perhaps she said this because she wanted to get you to validate her in a way.  Like maybe she said what she said hoping you would say something about not looking for someone else right now or not being able to see yourself with someone else/even think that way right now.

And as self absorbed as they are - I highly doubt that the fear of not leaving the house to the kids but instead to this new and upcoming family was not about what THEY missed out on, but HER.  Like she doesn't want the house that was yours and hers/your family together being in the possession of some new woman/family and not HER. 

That's what I think.

Badly Abused - Mine said something similar.  When I walked away from the business we had together (which is what he wanted as he didn't think I should get anything for it!) so I could get out without it being a horrible fight, he text me a couple days later saying something like "You can take comfort in the fact that I will probably fail."  ?  Who says that?  I realized later he was trying to get me to soothe him.  He knew my heart (and it worked), that every time he would say things outlandish like this, as if he believed I thought this way about him/or wished bad things on him, that I would respond with statements contrary to whatever he said such as:  Even with all that has happened, I still loved him and didn't want to see him fail.  Or that I believed in him and he wouldn't fail... .etc.  It actually hurt (and really still does) my heart to see him hurting or afraid, or stressed out or wanting to give up on life.  It hurt me to watch him struggle with all the things that constantly went wrong in his life. 

Anyway - when he made these kinds of statements I too would think - NO!  That is not who I am.  You are wrong about me.  How could you think I feel/think/believe that, etc.  Then later I started seeing that it was an attempt to get me to soothe him and comfort him and let him know I still cared for him WITHOUT him reaching out to me or looking like he cared about me or being vulnerable.

[Turkish]

Turkish -

I wanted to add another spin/possibility to her original comment.  Perhaps she said this because she wanted to get you to validate her in a way.  Like maybe she said what she said hoping you would say something about not looking for someone else right now or not being able to see yourself with someone else/even think that way right now.

And as self absorbed as they are - I highly doubt that the fear of not leaving the house to the kids but instead to this new and upcoming family was not about what THEY missed out on, but HER.  Like she doesn't want the house that was yours and hers/your family together being in the possession of some new woman/family and not HER. 

That's what I think.

That is very interesting... .I think you are right. Well, she won't get the validation from me. If she ever says, "You deserve better," my reply would probably be "yes, I certainly do!"

Badly Abused - Mine said something similar.  When I walked away from the business we had together (which is what he wanted as he didn't think I should get anything for it!) so I could get out without it being a horrible fight, he text me a couple days later saying something like "You can take comfort in the fact that I will probably fail."  ?  Who says that? 

She knows what's coming for her... .I don't take pleasure in it, but I also think people need to learn from their mistakes. Maybe a superficial relationship or two she can handle. But I know how she attaches to men, and the words, like written out of some teen romance novel, that she wrote to the guy who was or is still just trying to get some, and then will leave (a young, college athelete, who "rescued" a waif, and older woman with two little kids? Gimme a break!). Naw, I'm wrong. It won't be pleasure, but someting like resignation. I really need to get over this... .