How long do they plan to leave before they do it?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The conclusion that I have come to is not when they decide to leave. I believe now it is a foregone conclusion from the get go they will leave. It is only a matter of when they will pull the trigger and that is when they have sucked you dry, validation is not fulfilling anymore, you start asking more questions and somebody else is securely on the hook.

thank you, Iwalk-heruns.  I believe you are right on target with this.  This describes how my ex walked away from me.  I realized that there was a part of him that felt there was nothing else to learn (ie steal) from me.  No more identity theft - because he did his job so well.  I actually think he takes whatever he can from his partner, incorporates it as his own, retains it to a degree, and then searches for the next person to assimilate/add on/incorporate their values, beliefs/skills/friends/habits/way of eating... .the list is endless.

Does anyone else see their ex using each new person to form another part of their "personality", instead of completely abandoning the traits from the last partner?

[leftbehind]

The conclusion that I have come to is not when they decide to leave. I believe now it is a foregone conclusion from the get go they will leave. It is only a matter of when they will pull the trigger and that is when they have sucked you dry, validation is not fulfilling anymore, you start asking more questions and somebody else is securely on the hook.

thank you, Iwalk-heruns.  I believe you are right on target with this.  This describes how my ex walked away from me.  I realized that there was a part of him that felt there was nothing else to learn (ie steal) from me.  No more identity theft - because he did his job so well.  I actually think he takes whatever he can from his partner, incorporates it as his own, retains it to a degree, and then searches for the next person to assimilate/add on/incorporate their values, beliefs/skills/friends/habits/way of eating... .the list is endless.

Does anyone else see their ex using each new person to form another part of their "personality", instead of completely abandoning the traits from the last partner?

[Calm Waters]

supernova, I have been on both sides of this. I secretly planned for 9 months to leave my marriage of 30 years. When I left I felt liberated and free and oblivious to the devastation I had left behind for my wife and 2 adult sons, i left 3 letters and disappeared.

I soon fell in to a relationship with a women who has even more BPD traits than me and at first it was bliss, until she turned on me , i left her and she attempted suicide. So karma? I have been forced to look at my BPD traits and it has been a gift, I am healing, it can happen, I have reconciled with my wife, although I am still to some degree obsessed with the women who attempted suicide. So yes it can be planned for a very long time, those of us who have been damaged in childhood can 'split' our emotions and cut off from those we do not wish to feel, it is these unconscious emotions from childhood that drive the BPD often. What I am trying to say there is hope if there can be forgiveness and openness to learn on both sides, Sadly often people with BPD are also often counter dependant ( i am) so there internal dialogue is 'if you think there is something wrong with me there must be something even more wrong with you" good luck

[MovingOnForLife]

Does anyone else see their ex using each new person to form another part of their "personality", instead of completely abandoning the traits from the last partner?

My stbx uBPDh told me recently that the reason he made me sign the pre-nup (protecting his house that he owned before i met him) was because he knew we wouldn't last.  So he was planning his exit at the very same time I was planning our wedding.

Leftbehind- yes, I do see my stbx using his current GF, a social worker in a school,  to form new parts of his personality.  My stbx was a horrible father.  He was mean and nasty to his kids and never wanted to be around them.  Now he's father of the year.  But I know that he is unable to sustain that persona because that's not him.  He's the mean, rotten nasty person who treats the people who love him like crap.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

The conclusion that I have come to is not when they decide to leave. I believe now it is a foregone conclusion from the get go they will leave. It is only a matter of when they will pull the trigger and that is when they have sucked you dry, validation is not fulfilling anymore, you start asking more questions and somebody else is securely on the hook.

thank you, Iwalk-heruns.  I believe you are right on target with this.  This describes how my ex walked away from me.  I realized that there was a part of him that felt there was nothing else to learn (ie steal) from me.  No more identity theft - because he did his job so well.  I actually think he takes whatever he can from his partner, incorporates it as his own, retains it to a degree, and then searches for the next person to assimilate/add on/incorporate their values, beliefs/skills/friends/habits/way of eating... .the list is endless.

Does anyone else see their ex using each new person to form another part of their "personality", instead of completely abandoning the traits from the last partner?

Thanks for the compassion supernova right back at ya!

Left behind,

I think they do assimilate us. We all learn from past relationships but what they do seems different. My ex when I got back with him the 2nd time made a comment to me that when he was with the one he left me for that he stopped doing a certain behavior with her because of what he had learned from me and knew that I didn't like it and it caused problems. Mind you this was a major bone of contention in our relationship and had he compromised on it things could have improved greatly. I was thinking why couldn't you just change that for me then instead of dropping me and all we had built. It was like now she was getting the benefit of all my hard work and knowledge. Well the weird thing is he started doing it again when he was back with me. It made me feel like she was more important to compromise for. It's like they just have to wipe the slate clean and throw the baby out with the bath water instead of working on what's wrong and cherishing what's good. I guess they wouldn't be sick then if they could do that. Not sure if this completely relates but what came to mind when you said it.

[mitchell16]

I think mine always had a back up plan. I should have taken this as a red falg but it came up in such a casual way I didnt think anything about it. She told me she believe she could live a double life. Be with one man and make teh sex so good that he wouldnt question or think a thing. Mine even had another first name she went by in her home state but used her real first name on the job in another state. Now I know alot of poeople that go by stuff like that but when looking at all the facts its scary.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

I know... .I felt that way too. The more I poured in, the less he gave a damn.  Another post I read a long time ago was about reframing.  Someone actuall said this to a therapist, and the T came back and said... ."no the less he gave the more you tried".

Chicken and egg?

This is a huge destructive feedback loop. They know that know one would put up with what we did... so they expect a person with self respect to walk away (i.e. they expect us to leave).  They dread that outcome, yet they anticipate it and feel compelled to make it happen.

So when we don't walk away, there may be a little bit of relief... and they got to wipe their bad feelings onto their favorite doormat (us), but also there is a gradual erosion of respect. No one would or should stand for assly behavior.  They sure as heck wouldn't!  So if we didn't respect ourselves enough to leave... .why should they?

Sadly, they will keep upping the ante until someone's back breaks.  Either they are disgusted with us for staying through it all because we are so spineless... .or we can not take it anymore and walk (run) away.

The end was always written... .so they are usually anticipating/ planning the exit.

Crazytrain,

This all hits the nail right on the head with what I experienced. It's a catch 22. One day he is telling me I am the most understanding and forgiving person he has ever met and the next he is telling me I must have rocks in my head for putting up with what he does. There is just no way to win. Very good observation.

By the way great name. I almost used that one too. Told my ex right after break up that I was so glad to be off the Crazytrain.

[DragoN]

I know... .I felt that way too. The more I poured in, the less he gave a damn.  Another post I read a long time ago was about reframing.  Someone actuall said this to a therapist, and the T came back and said... ."no the less he gave the more you tried".

Chicken and egg?

This is a huge destructive feedback loop. They know that know one would put up with what we did... so they expect a person with self respect to walk away (i.e. they expect us to leave).  They dread that outcome, yet they anticipate it and feel compelled to make it happen.

So when we don't walk away, there may be a little bit of relief... and they got to wipe their bad feelings onto their favorite doormat (us), but also there is a gradual erosion of respect. No one would or should stand for assly behavior.  They sure as heck wouldn't!  So if we didn't respect ourselves enough to leave... .why should they?

Sadly, they will keep upping the ante until someone's back breaks.  Either they are disgusted with us for staying through it all because we are so spineless... .or we can not take it anymore and walk (run) away.

The end was always written... .so they are usually anticipating/ planning the exit.

Sums it up nicely. The Disorder always wins.

Mitchell16

She told me she believe she could live a double life.

Mine accused me of living a second life. Projection of his own doing.

[maxen]

We all learn from past relationships but what they do seems different. My ex when I got back with him the 2nd time made a comment to me that when he was with the one he left me for that he stopped doing a certain behavior with her because of what he had learned from me and knew that I didn't like it and it caused problems. Mind you this was a major bone of contention in our relationship and had he compromised on it things could have improved greatly. I was thinking why couldn't you just change that for me then instead of dropping me and all we had built. It was like now she was getting the benefit of all my hard work and knowledge.

oh that's so hard to think about, Iwalk! and i have to face it too, that my stbxw will not repeat certain behaviors. in fact she seems already to have changed a few things and it's soo painful to see, i'ts heartbreaking all over again to think that she'll do now what she wouldn't do for me, and if she had done in the marriage things would have been so much better. i can't allow myself to think about it, i get angry.

[gettingoverit]

Mine had a back up plan for sure. At least for the final break up anyway. I found out about hers from her best friend. She had planned to stay with me for about a year and a half until all of her debt was paid off, then she was going to leave (ya right... only if she had another replacement lined up). I guess she needed me to pay for half of her bills so she could start out fresh by financially using me. Interesting. I guess I was fortunate enough to have my friend/neighbour come into the picture because my ex latched on as soon as she saw a chance. Now she is someone else' financial burden. Funny thing her estranged son told me once "mom is conniving, she plans every move she is going to make". Pretty observant I would say.

[SeekerofTruth]

The conclusion that I have come to is not when they decide to leave. I believe now it is a foregone conclusion from the get go they will leave. It is only a matter of when they will pull the trigger and that is when they have sucked you dry, validation is not fulfilling anymore, you start asking more questions and somebody else is securely on the hook.

thank you, Iwalk-heruns.  I believe you are right on target with this.  This describes how my ex walked away from me.  I realized that there was a part of him that felt there was nothing else to learn (ie steal) from me.  No more identity theft - because he did his job so well.  I actually think he takes whatever he can from his partner, incorporates it as his own, retains it to a degree, and then searches for the next person to assimilate/add on/incorporate their values, beliefs/skills/friends/habits/way of eating... .the list is endless.

Does anyone else see their ex using each new person to form another part of their "personality", instead of completely abandoning the traits from the last partner?

thnks leftbehind.  oo- that identity theft aspect.  I know that says something about me... .quite surreal.  Well, we are separated yet in the midst of a recycle so not too sure there is someone else.  The connection and chemistry we have is amazing in bed... .and then there's the rest of reality.  So, i think she gets her other parts of personality  from new place of employment AND now... .as of the last 6 months or so from attending Alanon Groups and working the 12 steps.  She is doing this in lieu of DBT.  While I see some good from her 12 step involvement and Alanon... .i don't like it because she can inadvertently slip me in the role of her alcoholic father whom she idealized or slip me in the role of her abusive mother, and still act out your rage, emotional rape, or when not raging (which we have had calmer waters) continue to compartmentalize any damage she's inflicted by separating that out as a non-issue she is not responsible for because she now has boundaries and is working on her codependence (which we both are, mine being more of a flavor of putting someone else's needs ahead of mine, hers being something related to ubercontrol and devaluing others as a result of coming from a narcissistic better than view point... .if that makes sense).  So now she can spout recovery lingo... .and some of its real but i think its also her new flavor of the day that she is replacing me (and what she took from me) with and helps her to further split off from any empathy or remorse.  I wonder how her "personal inventory" is going (not really) while also having painted me black to her "sponser" (who does not know squat about BPD, let alone from someone very high functioning on the outside who puts on a believable act--even I sometimes forget how things went down crazychaos road between us) as the one who is a "sociopath"... .that is; when i am not on the "pedestal of adoration".  So to me it reeks of a half-stepper some one who talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk, and it feels like i'm walking on a raft... .with wooden boards below me but floating on top of water, rather than being on a solid ground.  The f'ed up thing is, as with the recyle, i think it's further diminishing my sense of self... .as i'm caught up in damage recovery and kinda stuck cus any authentic reconciliation entails give and take, admissions and ammends.  So deeper hook going on... .of that makes sense?

[Iwalk-Heruns]

We all learn from past relationships but what they do seems different. My ex when I got back with him the 2nd time made a comment to me that when he was with the one he left me for that he stopped doing a certain behavior with her because of what he had learned from me and knew that I didn't like it and it caused problems. Mind you this was a major bone of contention in our relationship and had he compromised on it things could have improved greatly. I was thinking why couldn't you just change that for me then instead of dropping me and all we had built. It was like now she was getting the benefit of all my hard work and knowledge.

oh that's so hard to think about, Iwalk! and i have to face it too, that my stbxw will not repeat certain behaviors. in fact she seems already to have changed a few things and it's soo painful to see, i'ts heartbreaking all over again to think that she'll do now what she wouldn't do for me, and if she had done in the marriage things would have been so much better. i can't allow myself to think about it, i get angry.

I know Maxen, I am so angry too! Angry for me and as I was reading just now so angry for you all too. What they do to people is horrible. I am feeling so grateful for these boards and sharing all your stories. It is really helping! I have been on the boards for a while. Found it right after my first discard ( guess I was delusional to go back). I think what kept me from actually posting before is I was worried I would keep ruminating. Well did 10months of that anyway till he came back. I am kicking myself for not sharing and getting your feedback before. Maybe I would have never gone back the second time. I would have been out over 2 years now. Oh well! Would of should of could of. One thing at least I know I never will again. Life is too short.