Is it okay (/safe) to be support?

[nylonsquid]

Some feelings 8 months later of NC:

So I randomly ran into her in a restaurant, sitting alone at the bar, and there was no way of avoiding an interaction. She was sitting alone, smiled at me and we greeted. Very short interaction and pretty formal. "Hey, how've you been?" "good." "Take it easy". There was no bitterness, sadness, anger... nothing. I just wasn't sure how to deal when I saw her but it was actually a pleasant interaction. She laughed a bit and boy do I love that laugh of hers. No girl has had such a grasp on me.

I leave the place with some mixed feelings. First, how much I like (part of?) the person: Great laugh, intelligent, witty, can really love, and beautiful. Second, how I feel a little bad calling her crazy to my friends. Just not a nice thing, even though I would argue that technically she would fit that description (sort of at least)... And that I should be more respectful of what we had though the outcome wasn't too great. Lastly I felt sad for her. How she is or can be a wonderful person but can't maintain relationships, intimate or friendships. Feeling how I care about her I though I'd message her and say "Was nice seeing you". Just to show that everything is cool. To show that she could call if she needs to. Or I could support in some way. I though about her being with another guy and that didn't bother me. I actually don't want her in my life, as a friend or lover. It stresses me out. But I do want to support because I care.

I talked myself out of messaging her. Thought I could be rationalizing just to keep her in my life. I think its a good trait I have to want to support but I questioned my motives and decided not to do anything in a moment of emotional sympathy. I'm a VERY empathetic person and have to watch out for myself as I constantly avoid bigger social interactions where I keep putting myself in someone else's shoes. Its exhausting.

My friend said that she walked away from me so if she needs help she'd call or ask.

Question is, is it possible or okay at all to be there as a voice of support for them?

[Conundrum]

Compassion allows us to see the humanity in all individuals. It's a trait greater than desire, resentment and bitterness. These people leave an indelible mark upon us. They burn bright in a multitude of ways. Fire can warm, but it also burns. Only you can know within whether supporting, or playing with fire is tolerable, advisable, beneficial, or detrimental. There is a fine balance between compassion and re-opening painful wounds. It is a walk upon a tightrope, that is not for some, while possible for others. All things change.     

[nylonsquid]

Compassion allows us to see the humanity in all individuals. It's a trait greater than desire, resentment and bitterness. These people leave an indelible mark upon us. They burn bright in a multitude of ways. Fire can warm, but it also burns. Only you can know within whether supporting, or playing with fire is tolerable, advisable, beneficial, or detrimental. There is a fine balance between compassion and re-opening painful wounds. It is a walk upon a tightrope, that is not for some, while possible for others. All things change.     

Such beautiful words. Thank you for that, Conundrum.

[frustrated b/f]

If you truly wish to get on with your life and move past the damaging relationship, you'll need to maintain NC no matter how bad you want otherwise.

I've been NC for 90 days and I'm trying the best I can to remain that way.

[nylonsquid]

If you truly wish to get on with your life and move past the damaging relationship, you'll need to maintain NC no matter how bad you want otherwise.

I've been NC for 90 days and I'm trying the best I can to remain that way.

I am very on with my life and that's why I don't want her in it. I'm pretty hapy and don't want to be miserable with another person. My life now is too precious to get into stupid bumps. However, its the compassion that got to me. I just wish her well but I guess I should wish myself well. Maybe one day we'd naturally be in contact. Maybe not. Either way I just feel for her but I'm unwilling to replace the comfortable/happy life that I have.

[Aussie0zborn]

Your compassion is commendable and I would be very proud to have that. I would think however that its best that to save it for yourself and someone who is worthy of it.

I have occasionally thought I would like to help the ex to steer her off her path of destruction but for what reason? How much thanks did I get for saving her sorry asss, raising her kids, blah, blah, blah? None.

I would be happy to see my ex sitting alone at a bar.

[nylonsquid]

Your compassion is commendable and I would be very proud to have that. I would think however that its best that to save it for yourself and someone who is worthy of it.

I have occasionally thought I would like to help the ex to steer her off her path of destruction but for what reason? How much thanks did I get for saving her sorry asss, raising her kids, blah, blah, blah? None.

I would be happy to see my ex sitting alone at a bar.

Haha, I understand that. I guess I'm left with compassion and sympathy right now. You're right, I've realized that if I have compassion I should direct it towards myself in not contacting her. Something I learned from our relationship when one day I broke down and cried only to realize how much I've put up in trying to understand her and how it was me that I needed to take care of. The crying I did was a cry for help, for myself. I love my life too much to give it up right now... I should remember the logic behind all this before I go about giving my heart and support out.

Thanks for your reply!