Is it possible to live a happy life with uBPD?

[sad4mydad]

Obviously, a lot of us are on this forum because we want and need support and advice and strength. But I haven't heard of many success stories so I'm wondering if anyone has successfully lived with an uBPD - and been happy.

I'm asking because my dad is having a really hard time with my uBPD mom right now.  She's extremely high functioning so no one else besides my dad and I know that something is wrong.  Neither her siblings or close friends have seen her "dark side" (for lack of a better word).  But my parents have been together for almost 40 years and my uBPD mom seems to be getting worse.  She refuses counseling.  My dad is at his wit's end.  I'm worried about him and his mental health because she is manipulating him so badly right now.  I'm too angry at my mom and emotionally involved to be able to also be a cheerleader for their marriage, but if there are success stories of people who have figured out how to happily live with an uBPD FM/SO, I will share them with him. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GeekyGirl]

I think it really depends on a lot of things, but there are members here who have been happy and married to pwBPD.

Have you suggested this site to your dad? I bet he'd get a lot out of the Staying board.

[jdtm]

Is it possible to live a happy life with uBPD?

Possible? -  yes   

Probable  -  no

[foodie]

Personally, I do not think it is possible to live a happy, normal relationship life with my uBPD mother. 

[caughtnreleased]

Perhaps the only way to be happy is to never really get to know them. So if you never really allow them to get close, they will never feel "comfortable" to reveal their true self, and will continue to live the lie of who they are.  I think the problems arise when you introduce intimacy.  So... .if you are happy without intimacy, then yeah you can be "happy"... .but we all seek intimacy and pwBPD are simply incapable of sustaining it.

[Stamp]

A few thoughts come to mind.  Most of us come to these boards when things are not going well and we need support, so I tend to look at the posts (including my own) in that light.  Living with a BPD person is definitely a challenge, and there are times when each of us is ready to throw in the towel.  I just had a couple of months from hell with my uBPD partner, she had a number of major stressors in her life and seemed to be in a constant state of disregulation.  

Bearing that in mind, I can honestly say that for the most part I am happy with my life and with my partner.  I meditate every day and try to maintain my skills at empathy and being in the moment, especially when things are not good.  I have found that it is easier to be content when I practice empathy and really understand how things are from her perspective.  Sometimes I fall short, and then things go awry.  

I am very aware, even when things are awful, that my partner truly loves me, even if she often has trouble showing it.  When I release any pressure on her and allow her to feel safe, she often shows her love for me in very tender and unexpected ways.  When I consciously or unconsciously pressure her to 'act normal', everything falls apart and she pulls away violently.

Is it worth the effort?  I guess the answer to that is different for each of us, but for me it definitely is.  There are so many wonderful traits locked up in her, and I came to the realization a while ago that if I love her, I love all of her, even the parts that are not easy to care for.

[allibaba]

At the topic of the STAYING BOARD is a topic called "Success Stories"

There are two types of success stories here at bpdfamily.com

1.  People who have used the tools to regulate their lives with their BPD partners (whether diagnosed or not)

2.  Stories of families where there has actually been a recovery from BPD.

Both situations are very, very difficult and take a huge amount of hard work and dedication.  The first situation is difficult because it takes the non stepping out of their old ways and bad habits and removing themself from the cycle of dysfunction.  I see lots of cases where the nons on these boards have taken huge steps to make their lives better and while things might not ever be 'normal' they can be 'good'.  The first situation takes no BUY IN from the BPD.  The BPD either comes along for the ride and the situation improves or the relationship ends.  Usually the non has to be at the 'breaking point' to start this process.  

For me it was the day that I realized that I had come to terms with being emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abused by my uBPD husband and 'I was OK with it' (scary day  for me personally).  That was the day that I grew up.  Since then I have spent time in a DV shelter, I have called the police on my husband when he began to beat me (these were two different incidents in two different months), and I have learned to quietly and lovingly tell my husband that I will not accept blame for something that I don't have responsibility for.  This is not an easy journey folks.  Its not for the faint of heart.  I have enough of a bond with my husband that it is worth it for me... .but make no mistake... .if I am in danger I come first.  I won't sacrifice myself for my family for my husband anymore.  Positive aside is that my husband has had to look at himself and not me for the first time in our marriage and for the first time he realizes that he suffers from mental illness.

The second situation takes the BPD hitting rock bottom and getting treatment.  I saw this situation with my mom (also uBPD).  I enforced boundaries with her and removed myself from her abuse.  Eventually after a few years of work (by me) she looked around and she was pretty much alone.  To her credit she woke up and started working on herself.  She now uses mindfulness as a technique to avoid dyregulations while not 100% recovered (as I believe that this would take professional therapy) she and I have a normal relationship these days.

For #2 to happen it takes YEARS of therapy, but there is clear evidence that with consistent therapy, BPD can recover.  Its not common that someone who is BPD has the will and strength to do this... .but it does happen.  For #2 to happen, the family also needs to go through intensive therapy so that they don't unknowingly enable bad behavior.  

Hope this helps.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I'm one of the members who are happy in their relationship. Is it ideal? No. Is it what I imagined our relationship would be? Far from it. Has it been hard? Yes. Still, I'm quite happy in this relationship. I wasn't always, it has been a long road.

As stated above, it does take a lot of work on the part of the non. Including taking a long hard look at our own reactions, thoughts, patterns and behaviours. But in the end, we're better for it, healthier. Regardless of whether our partner changes or not. Still, even with all the hard work a non can put it, sometimes it just doesn't work.

Being happy in the relationship does not require a healed partner, though. My partner is in therapy and starting to see some of his BPD patterns and behaviours. He's changed a little, but there's still a very long way to go. And that's ok. I'm happy with things as they are right now. If he quit therapy today I would still be with him and feel ok about it.

[allibaba]

Ps a gentle reminder that sometimes 2 people just aren't right for each other.  There is a huge divorce rate and I guarantee that they aren't all BPD relationships.  Sometimes the dyfunction actually keeps 2 people together (when they shouldn't be) and sometimes it tears them apart.

Its easy to get caught up in BPD being the blame for everything... . 

[waverider]

The most important aspect is for the both partners to be on the same team and dealing with the problem together. Dysfunctionality need not be an unhappy environment. It is a disability after all and many people live happily with disabilities of all sorts.

That is not to say it is always possible, you are here to explore the possibilities

You will learn a lot about yourself and building a better you in the process of addressing the issues more appropriately. Even if it fails you can become a better person as a consequence.

If you dont attempt to address it but simply run, you will learn nothing, you will not become a better person, and in fact may leave damaged and scarred as a result. Most members on the Coping and Healing Board never went through the staying skills and hence are wearing deeper scars.

Members who worked thoroughly on the lessons in Staying Board either then have success and no longer feel the need to post, or leave with minimal scarring and hence no longer feel the need to participate.

Knowledge may not save the RS but it may very well save your sanity, this is why we work on us, the RS is often the flow on.

A position of clarity to replace a position of desperation is the goal.

Even a fully recovered BPD relationship can fail as those involved will have undergone deep personality changes. So there is no good trying to predict long term RS outcomes.

You can't leave your own mind so concentrate on fixing that as a priority

[waverider]

  Sometimes the dyfunction actually keeps 2 people together (when they shouldn't be) and sometimes it tears them apart.

Creates a common interest 

The biggest hurdle to overcome is the total denial of there being a problem. Most successes I believe depend on that, otherwise it just degenerates into coexisting without a real RS as such.

[bpbreakout]

Not sure if I can add much as I am new to this board. However I think it's really nice you care so much about your Dad. If they have been together 40 years and she has been like this all that time I imagine it could have been tempting for you to write him off for standing by your Mum if she has been difficult over the years. Keep it up, really good to see you care !