Struggling

[LA4610]

Hi All,

I have been NC (relatively speaking) with my BPDex for 1 month now. The problem is we work together and share mutual friends. I am really struggling. I want to call her so bad. At first we never talked at work, but we did the other day (she approached me). While I was out with a mutual friend last night (her cousin) she texted him (pictures and regular texts) and also called twice, both long conversations. He acted alot differently after talking with her. It was really weird. I talked to my therapist about the situation. I told her "if she was really interested in pulling me back in then why wouldn't she just text/call me". My therapist take is that she is pulling me back in by not texting/calling. She is right bc I have such a strong urge to contact this girl now. It consumes my thoughts all day. I wish this would just stop. It is so hard.

[Ironmanrises]

LA... .

I know the urge... .

You speak of... .

Of wanting to contact... .

Your ex.

I know how hard it is.

You have to try... .

And link... .

The devaluation... .

To the urge... .

To want to contact her... .

That way... .

It can help you suppress it.

Not a cure... .

But it does help.

That is what i do.

Because if you reach out... .

You will not get the reception... .

That you seek.

She will only hurt you... .

Again.

And again.

Hang in there.

Vent on here.

We will hear you.

[DragoN]

My therapist take is that she is pulling me back in by not texting/calling. She is right bc I have such a strong urge to contact this girl now. It consumes my thoughts all day. I wish this would just stop. It is so hard.

NC is almost harder than having the poison drip dripping to remind you why you need to stay away from someone. A toxic r/s it's relatively easy after years of dealing with the disordered person and realizing you have no influence. Write down all the nasty things that happened. All of them. Then ask yourself, Why you think so lowly of yourself to put up with that?

Very important, should you recycle, don't get her pregnant.  She's already tried to trap you in that manner. Stay busy. Hang out with your friends, take up a new hobby. Go to the gym. The urge comes and goes and will weaken over time 

[maxen]

Write down all the nasty things that happened. All of them. Then ask yourself, Why you think so lowly of yourself to put up with that?

do that, LA. and refer to it when you get the urge to contact. because that's what you'll get if you contact.

[LA4610]

she actually texted me during the day "are you on instagram" which i found a little wierd. i responded yes and she said "i am back on now." she also has started to warm up to me in the workplace. nothing crossing any boundaries, but we are now at the point where we are 2 normal ppl at work. what do you guys make of this? Is it still possible to maintain this type of working relationship if i stand firm and don't cross boundaries if/when she does? 

now, the whole instagram thing, that was def a pull maneuver... .testing to see if i would follow her. I WON'T.

[Ironmanrises]

LA... .

Any contact with her... .

Will erode your power base.

You will have to expend... .

A lot of energy... .

Maintaining your boundaries... .

If you have contact with her.

Any slip... .

In those boundaries... .

And her manipulations... .

Will ooze in... .

And you do not want that.

The pull behavior... .

Being exhibited... .

Will set you up... .

For a recycle.

Keep her away from you.

[LA4610]

i know what you are saying and it all makes sense, but i simply can't avoid her. i work with her. next to her. all day. for the 6 hours that i didn't respond to her text yesterday, she was seeking my attention big time and checking her phone to see if i responded. i am talking with my therapist today maybe she can spread some light to the issue.

i do appreciate everyones responses. they help

[LA4610]

my therapist reiterated most of the things you said ironman. it is so hard for me to grasp the idea that i simply can't contact nor be friends with someone. by nature i am a friendly person. i will be working with her all day to day. y'all say a little prayer for me

[LA4610]

man, today was tough. i made it through the day with one interaction with her. i am proud of myself bc i felt very pulled to her and didn't act on the impulse. this is so freaking hard though... .when i got home i felt like i had been through an emotional war. spending the whole day thinking of her... .the intense conversation, the wild sex, the chaos, the anger, her lies, her hateful comments, manipulation. is there anyone that has had to do something like this? idk how much more i can take.

[Traumatized]

My therapist take is that she is pulling me back in by not texting/calling.

I find this to be an interesting take.  Mine may be doing a similar thing, but then again maybe not.  She may just be torturing me as much as possible because she knows how much I want to be with her.

[fromheeltoheal]

She also has started to warm up to me in the workplace. nothing crossing any boundaries, but we are now at the point where we are 2 normal ppl at work. what do you guys make of this? Is it still possible to maintain this type of working relationship if i stand firm and don't cross boundaries if/when she does? 

You cannot have a "normal" relationship with a person with a serious mental illness.  Think about all the crap that happened when you were together; did you ever sit down and talk through it like adults?  Was there ever any closure?  The disconnect like nothing ever happened is a borderline defense mechanism, utilized because the emotions, usually shame, are just too strong to deal with.  You are going crazy right now because the relationship has changed, and you're expected to change with it; things don't work like that on planet earth.  I worked with by borderline ex, the first time we were together 25 years ago, and the same thing happened; the day she got fired was the highlight of that year for me.

man, today was tough. i made it through the day with one interaction with her. i am proud of myself bc i felt very pulled to her and didn't act on the impulse. this is so freaking hard though... .when i got home i felt like i had been through an emotional war. spending the whole day thinking of her... .the intense conversation, the wild sex, the chaos, the anger, her lies, her hateful comments, manipulation. is there anyone that has had to do something like this? idk how much more i can take.

And that will continue unless you do something about it.  She will win; borderlines live in this world full time.

[LA4610]

"And that will continue unless you do something about it."

thank you for that comment. it made me change my behavior and i feel much better. since you said that there has been no more: wanting to be friends, texting, talking at work, talking to mutual friends, looking at pics of her, talking to other ppl about her, etc.

i feel so much better. it is like i have stepped out of the war zone and can now see what was actually going on.

thank you and thank you all.

[Aussie0zborn]

Wow. You came through that very neatly, all in one piece and in such a short space of time. Don't let your guard down now.

[Learning_curve74]

Good for you, LA4610.  

If you can treat her just like a co-worker you don't like, be businesslike in necessary work interactions, but avoiding, being boring, and blowing her off when it comes to personal and social interactions. That's how we can get by with difficult people we don't like at work, and it sounds like she is very much one of those people for you right now.

[LA4610]

and of course, as i am now doing better, she sends me a text pulling me into the fire.

[LA4610]

gotta stay strong