All Hell is Breaking Lose

[Parents! Get help here!]

I've mentioned before how we have a house rule for DD14 that nobody is allowed in the house when we are not home (she is on homebound instruction). She has been really good about for a few months. In fact, I changed the way I handled things with her and things have been really really good for a while now. Until today... .

My husband, her stepfather, called me in a panick saying that DD has her friend (16) in the house along with the friend's boyfriend (21) who just got out of jail for being with the 16 year old! He is on probation. My husband called the probation officer who informed him that while he isn't allowed to say why the boyfriend was in jail (we thought because of girlfriend) that we do not want someone like him in our house! And gave us the option to press charges in which case the boyfriend will go back to jail for 5 years! Obviously DD is going on a war path. Called me every name in the book, told me not to expect to ever see her again, that she will no longer trust me, and took off. I am so so heartbroken and disappointed. We were making progress. She knows the rule. Hell the friend knows the rule and knows we have cameras and knows the risk she was putting boyfriend in yet decided to bring him in our home. I need advice on what to do. I'm about to lose it!  :'( :'( :'(

[raytamtay3]

I've mentioned before how we have a house rule for DD14 that nobody is allowed in the house when we are not home (she is on homebound instruction). She has been really good about for a few months. In fact, I changed the way I handled things with her and things have been really really good for a while now. Until today... .

My husband, her stepfather, called me in a panick saying that DD has her friend (16) in the house along with the friend's boyfriend (21) who just got out of jail for being with the 16 year old! He is on probation. My husband called the probation officer who informed him that while he isn't allowed to say why the boyfriend was in jail (we thought because of girlfriend) that we do not want someone like him in our house! And gave us the option to press charges in which case the boyfriend will go back to jail for 5 years! Obviously DD is going on a war path. Called me every name in the book, told me not to expect to ever see her again, that she will no longer trust me, and took off. I am so so heartbroken and disappointed. We were making progress. She knows the rule. Hell the friend knows the rule and knows we have cameras and knows the risk she was putting boyfriend in yet decided to bring him in our home. I need advice on what to do. I'm about to lose it!  :'( :'( :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Just found out boyfriend was in jail for second degree burglary.

[qcarolr]

raytamtay3  - a few deeeep breathes. Need lots of oxygen to think.  Sounds like you are doing the best thing here, even though it is scary and hard.  DD14 tested the boundary, and you stuck to it. Is her response - both verbal and running - unexpected? How have you handled this before? What are your options to find her and bring her home?

So hard for me to remember at these times that my DD needs me to keep loving her even while I hang tight with the limits. This is a true safety issue. No negotiation allowed. Can you find the ways to express your concern for her safety in having these friends at the house as a primary concern? She already knows the rules, and the expected results form breaking them.

Praying for everyone to be safe, and for your D to be home soon. Be kind to yourselves.

qcr

[raytamtay3]

Her response is to be expected and not unusual. It's just that when you have a taste of how great things could be, and were for a bit, and then you fall down again, it's so hard to get back up. You know?

I got to the point where I accepted her for who she is. I've looked the other way on a lot of things lately. I've changed the way I speak to her, etc. I thought we made tremendous progress. She always has an excuse. It was an emergency situation and she didn't even know they were coming over. But yet instead of telling them to wait outside until she got ready, she let them in. She knows we have cameras. She knows we can see her. Yet she played dumb when I called her. I don't know how much more I have left in me.

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi raytay,

That is fairly typical of behavior for teenagers, especially those with BPD.  Is she ok now?  Did she come back home?  I think you did a great job enforcing your boundaries.  Everyone knew what your response would be.  She can do what she wants but then there are consequences.  I think you're really smart and brave to enforce those consequences.  I bet when she calms down she will realize (even if she doesn't admit) that you were right. 

-crazed

[raytamtay3]

Things went downhill fast.  Well first off, my husband and I discussed it and agreed not to hand over the video of the 21 year old boyfriend of my daughter's friend to his probation officer. He would go straight back to jail for 5 years and in addition be put on Megan's list.  He called my husband and begged him not to and my husband read him the riot act for 45 minutes (he works in corrections so he gave it to him good and scared the bejesus out of the dude). My husband said since he was respectful and claims he didn't know he wasn't allowed in our house blah-blah-blah, we would let it go this one time.  Husband told him he better never see his face again. We have the dude on video freaking out saying how his probation officer knows he is in the district and video of him jumping over our creek taking off thinking the cops were on their way. That part was pretty funny.

So as my husband and I were finishing watching the video, a cop car pulls up with DD in the back seat. Here she was in a car with a few people who got busted with weed. Since they didn't find anything "on her person", they dropped her off to us. She begged me to follow her in the house. I went in and she told me that she did in fact have a stash of her friend's weed on her that she put in her bra when they got pulled over and said she had to run out to give it to someone and took back off. We called the cops and told them (with some resistance from me). The went back out looking for her but didn't find her. She came home an hour later and we argued about the events of the day with her again not taking any responsiblity for it. Saying that I'm my husband's puppet and that I never had a problem with her having people in the house until I married him, etc. etc. She was screaming and my son (6) was sleeping so I told her I was through talking to her. She was high and I was buzzed from wine... .

On my way home from work a bought a bottle of wine against my better judgment as I knew that when you are in crises like we were last night, it's not a good idea. It makes me very emotional and I was crying as my husband reinforced that I'm being to lenient on daughter. He was drinking too and I've said a hundred times that we should not have serious discussions while drinking. He gets a little too blunt and says things that I don't like and are cruel with respect to DD. For instance saying my daughter is a peace of crud aying that if he didn't feel that I was on the same page as him in that when she turns 18 and has not changed, she can live on the street because she will not be welcome in our house, and if I didn't agree he would have been long gone (I can sit here and say I agree NOW. But will I have the strength later is the question).  He wants me to treat her like a co-worker and not a daughter. Would I allow a co-worker to talk to me the way she does? And so on. I just cried. I cried because I so desperately want to believe things will change for the better. Cried because I love my daughter unconditionally. Cried because she is ill and he doesn't understand... .

I feel so weak when it comes to her.

[raytamtay3]

Back to square one. She had the gaul to ask me for money yesterday to go to some concert this weekend. When I told her no, she raged at me in front of DS6. Called me an F-ing C and piece of ___. Said she hopes I die in a car accident. Then 10 minutes later came up and hugged me saying she was sorry and that she doesn't want me to die in a car accident. Then 10 minutes later asks to use my phone to call her friend. I did allow this against my better judgment. She cursed at me about something while on the phone with her friend and I told her to give me my phone back. She cursed at me again and slammed her bedroom door. Then 5 minutes later comes out asking where he socks were and for me to go find them. I told her screw you ( at this point I lost it some) and she said no, F you! And walked out the door.

[modafinilguy]

It does strike me that you dobbed your daughter on for Marijuana but then later got a bottle of grog for yourself?

It is good that you love your daughter unconditionally, but I would suggest that Marijuana is not worth the trouble of calling the police over.

If it was methamphetamine, then go for it- without a doubt!

To be honest, I don't think its going to help your situation being too strict on your daughter.

I would minimize rules to what is very most important (peoples safety etc), and look teenagers do things like sneak friends over. I can understand you would not like it, BPD teenagers have done it to me, but the most important thing is to be calm.

BPD teens react to emotion, it sets them off. They need a calm, positive attitude, as much as you are able.

But I can tell you one thing, if you truly stick by your daughter, and keep loving her unconditionally, and as long as she does not get involved in HARD drugs, that is like methamphetamine etc, she will improve.

How do I know this? Seen many teens like this.  Dealt with many teens like this. Best advice is stay calm, not too strict, love and tolerance. In a couple of years I promise you, things will get better as long as she doesn't start mucking around with drugs like methamphetamine, cocaine or heroin. Do not worry about pot, it just makes BPD kids docile and lazy. Less emotional.

[modafinilguy]

raytamtay3,

I am guessing that you may have responded to me in an emotional way, then decided to delete it?

I am seriously sorry, if I have upset you, that is not my intention.

But please believe me, if I have spent many years dealing with formally diagnosed BPD teens of the severe kind.

My place has been smashed to pieces, all the windows, my TV. I have had knives drawn, shouting and screaming their heads off, several times at least.

I have had a door kicked down off its hinges (a heavy door), and crack me with great force in the head. The teen girl then ran in a rage at me and literally ended up tearing the shirt off my body, ripping it in half. I am 130kg, so large and strong.

I have meth dealers with guns threatening to kill me outside my door (boyfriends of the BPD teen).

I have seen their arms swallowed when guys have injected meth into them.

I have had $800 stolen out of my bank account.

I have certainly been spat on, kicked, punched and had various objects thrown into my head more times than I can remember.

They have been arrested many times, locked up in youth detention many times.

Many overdoses, serious ones, I personally called the ambulance on various occasions. Many cuts, and self harm.

I've gone out to find 27 year old perverts that were having sex with the 14 year old girl running out of my own apartment.

I won't go on. I am not trying to compare, but I am saying I have experienced these sorts of things in general.

You don't have to accept me advice or agree with it that's fine. My advice is simply, stay as calm as possible, especially in regards to how you react to them. Be loving, supportive, and tolerance, and minimally strict.

That's worked me for. None of this was meant as an attack or anything, just my experience.

If the Marijuana vs Alcohol comment offended you I apologize.

I certainly do not want to add to your stress.

As you said I believe, you love them unconditionally, then you will succeed in the end. That is without a doubt the critical ingredient.

But if you are bubbling over with emotion, then you probably should get help. I have gone to counseling myself.

I have kept my cool at the teens, but gone outside by myself and been literally my whole body shaking... I remember just hyperventilating, collapsed in the dark outside, exhausted by the stress.

It was hell. I know its hell. It was very hard.

[crazedncrazymom]

Hey raytam,

I saw your message yesterday and meant to come back and respond when I had a chance.  Teens are a pain in the neck.  Teens with BPD are unmanageable.  I think you need to follow your own values and boundaries.  We here at BPD Family aren't here to judge those values and boundaries but to support you in your effort to define what that means to you.  Some people may say a little pot is no big deal.  I've personally seen a lot of people spend their entire lives stoned and made horrendously bad decisions because of it.  That's not what I would want for my child.  Some others may not have a problem with it.  Different strokes I suppose.

How are you today?  How is dd?  Still off the rails?  How's dh?  It really struck a chord with me that he said he wants her out at 18 unless she changes.  How did that make you feel then and do you think differently now that you've had a day or two to think about it?  You are definining your boundaries and it is hard to enforce them.  I know in my defining days, I spent night after night in the hospital waiting for dd to finish her cooling off period and be evaluated.  My dh and I were on first name basis with all the local police officers.  It was awful.  There is hope. You just hang in there.  Stay calm and present your message in a loving way.  You will get through to her or you won't.  Just keep doing your best.  That's really all you can do.  I hope things get better!  I'll be thinking of you!

-crazed

[qcarolr]

I feel so weak when it comes to her.

raytamtay3 - this statement really hit me. I so stuggle with being consistent with my BPDDD27. And I struggle keeping my own cool. It feels like I am being lied to, manipulted, blamed... . When I can stop and remember she is the one emotionally dysregulated and overwhelmed and needs me to be a calm, regulating force in her life -- sometimes this works, sometimes I have to walk away for a bit to cool off. When DD follows me, harrassing me, even blocking my car -- this is when dh calls the police. She is asked to leave for the night to stay at a friends, or stay in her room, or she will have harassment charges and be in jail or be in the ER for psych eval.  Believe me, I understand.

And my dh had that "out at 18" " I can't wait til she is 18" syndrome too. She has been in/out in/out since 17. Both her choice and our choice. At 27, we are paying rent while she attempts a structured probation program (harassment charged by most recent bf). I am being asked by staff at program to 'stay out of the way'. It is kind of a relief, though hard to get her out of my head. Negative feedback loop -- trying to replace with some affirmations for a positive feedback loop. Resetting my brain!

What of the links in the sidebar have you checked out? There are some great tools and lessons there. Even during those times my DD is not doing better, it sure helps me to be a more sane person with everyone else in my life.

A quick take on the pot question. DD had her medical mj license for migraines. It did really work to calm her anxiety down. The other impact with this temporary settling of her emotions was for her to believe she did not need psych or substance abuse treatment. She has used whatever drugs her current group are using, claiming to not ever be addicted like many of  her friends. I was in denial about her drug use - even with evidence right in my face. Looking back, it may have accelerated her accepting help if I had the strength and courage to set boudnaries at least in my house about drug use. Everytime to call police regardless of how emotional I was feeling. And after she turned 18 offer her the choice of treatment, no drugs or living somewhere else. Then trying to keep a connection using validation tools.

Hard choices. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Things do cycle less, and are better, when I can use the tools in my bag. Have to find a calm place inside to be able to open my toolbag.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders