Hello BPDFam

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello BPDFam, I am a new member with a 70 yr old father who was diagnosed with BPD (when he had a suicide attempt and brief hospitalization while visiting me in Washington state) a year ago. While there have been some rocky times, I have mainly been able to listen and provide support to him in way that has been positive for both of us. I have done some reading about BPD in the past year, but probably not as much as I should have, as his behavior towards me has taken a radical turn, such that I don't know what to do, or what to say to him. I don't want to make things worse, but I also need to be honest with him about his behavior. My father hasn't accepted that he has BPD.

I'm a professional with a background in clinical lab medicine and genetics and work at a hospital. I am recently divorced from my husband and have a step-daughter and a daughter in college. I have a SO that I live with.

My father became extremely infatuated (in love?) with my ex-sister-in-law at my stepdaughter's wedding two years ago, and after she rejected him, he became obsessed with her, and my ex husband's family, to an inappropriate degree. Fortunately, my ex and I are on good terms, and can talk about my Dad and his behavior and have been able to brainstorm appropriate solutions and boundaries.

Until now, which is why I am here! So, I am interested in resources, how to help my father w/o harming, and I'm seeking support for myself so as not to feel like I'm inflicting my Dad's drama on my immediate family members and close friends.

Thank you!

[Olesdatter]

Hello BPDFam, I am a new member with a 70 yr old father who was diagnosed with BPD (when he had a suicide attempt and brief hospitalization while visiting me in Washington state) a year ago. While there have been some rocky times, I have mainly been able to listen and provide support to him in way that has been positive for both of us. I have done some reading about BPD in the past year, but probably not as much as I should have, as his behavior towards me has taken a radical turn, such that I don't know what to do, or what to say to him. I don't want to make things worse, but I also need to be honest with him about his behavior. My father hasn't accepted that he has BPD.

I'm a professional with a background in clinical lab medicine and genetics and work at a hospital. I am recently divorced from my husband and have a step-daughter and a daughter in college. I have a SO that I live with.

My father became extremely infatuated (in love?) with my ex-sister-in-law at my stepdaughter's wedding two years ago, and after she rejected him, he became obsessed with her, and my ex husband's family, to an inappropriate degree. Fortunately, my ex and I are on good terms, and can talk about my Dad and his behavior and have been able to brainstorm appropriate solutions and boundaries.

Until now, which is why I am here! So, I am interested in resources, how to help my father w/o harming, and I'm seeking support for myself so as not to feel like I'm inflicting my Dad's drama on my immediate family members and close friends.

Thank you!

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Olesdatter,

Welcome!   Having a parent with BPD is very challenging at times (my mother has BPD). I know what you mean when you say that you don't want to make things worse, but feel like you need to be honest with your father.

It's great that you're reaching out for support and working on yourself.  There's a whole community here to listen and give you advice.

What kind of behavior has your father been exhibiting? Did something change to make his behavior towards you change recently?

There are some great resources here to help you, and I'd suggest you learn all you can about BPD. What kinds of resources would be most helpful for you?

-GG

[Olesdatter]

Hi GG, thanks for your reply. Yes, something did change w/r/t my father. Over the past year, despite being asked repeatedly to stop, he has been trying to re-engage P (my ex sister in law) into an intimate relationship, despite the fact that he is married and she has no interest. At first she was kind, and then more emphatic in rejecting his advances. My dad's wife, G., found out about his messaging, gifts, etc. that he gave to P, and G. left him twice. Each time my dad would threaten suicide and G. would return.

My ex husband's family has broken off all contact with my father; he is obsessed with them and constantly tries to contact them. They were not even close before all this happened, so it's hard to understand why the attachment to people he barely knows.

So, now my dad wants my step-daughter's (K.) address, ostensibly to send her cards & gifts. I suspect his motives are to try to re-engage with P. via my step-daughter, as he has done this with other fam members. My ex (PC) and I talked, and decided it would be best to route my father through PC - ie. my father could write to K c/o PC, and it would up to K to decide if she wanted to be in relationship w him.

I wrote him a letter in which I gently informed him of the boundary (ie. I didn't give him what he wanted) and now he is raging at me. He told me he never wants to talk to me again and "have a good life" without him. Deep down, I know he doesn't really want his, but what do I do?

Also strange is that my Dad hasn't been like this his whole life - it was very apparent to me when he visited last year for two graduation parties - which he basically ruined with his drama. It's possible he has had it a long time, but was able to keep it in check. He has a poor memory, and I've wondered if he has dementia, too. He is being treated for PTSD, which he may also have.

Should I wait a month and send him a card or something? Maybe he will have forgotten everything by then! Thanks for your thoughts - I've been reading a lot on this site already! Great info! 

[Olesdatter]

Ps. GG - with respect to S.E.T., how does the Truth part work? This is where Dad and I are hung up. His truth vs. mine don't match up.

Thanks,

Oles

[GeekyGirl]

That is a sticky situation. I'm sure you feel like you're caught in the middle of this drama with your ex-SIL.

Whether or not you send a card to him is up to you and what you're comfortable with. What would you want to say to him? I think you did a good thing for yourself and your stepdaughter by setting that boundary (all communications going through you) with him. Unfortunately, some people with BPD struggle with boundaries, as your dad does. The best thing you can do for yourself is to keep reinforcing them.

The Truth part of SET is the Truth as you see it. You're showing empathy and that you're listening to his point of view with the Support and Empathy, but at the same time, you're holding your boundary with the Truth. Does that make sense? This is a good primer for SET: TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth, if you haven't seen it already.

The silent treatment, BTW, is very painful.   That's my mother's favorite form of punishment too. There's some good information in this article, which may explain why your father is doing what he's doing: BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

[Olesdatter]

GG, much thanks. I will read those next. Yes, it is very (too) complicated and the silent treatment is v painful. It helps to know that someone else has experienced this, too.

I re-read what I wrote to him, I see now I also hit what must have been triggers for him - I contradicted what his memories were about the situation, I expressed frustration with him, and suggested he seek professional help (and didn't give him the address). I think I overdid it & exceeded his ability to cope.

All normal reactions, but I didn't realize how emotionally hard things are for him. Not to excuse his behavior, but to try to understand better.

Thank you again!

Oles

[sophiegirl]

Hi Olesdatter,

This won't be of any help I know, but maybe someone knows the answer which could help - a couple of years ago one of my best friends walked out of my life and had what I can call a mid life crisis. Earlier this year my mother, knowing how much I was hurt by the events , contacted her and started singing her praises, having coffee with her, even asking her out for dinner. She was never that in her when she was a friend of mine really.

I couldn't work out if she was trying to make me jealous, trying to prove she's better company than me or was attempting to reconcile the relationship my friend and I used to have. The reality was I was just hurt all over again. (my mother is 88)

I don't know if this behaviour is similar or not or if it's some sort of trait in BPD?

[MammaMia]

Olesdatter

Your father has BPD but he may also be suffering from dementia.  Some forms of dementia actually have a hyper-sexual component to them which may explain his obsession with your ex-sister-in-law.  

Is there a discrete way to inform his general internist, psychiatrist or psychologist about this behavior?  He can then be evaluated for this aspect of dementia.  

People of your parents' generation may be reluctant to call attention to this symptom because it is embarrassing.   It may be a medical issue related to aging.

I have a friend whose husband has Alzheimers with a secondary form of dementia, and he has the hyper-sexual component for which he is receiving medication. 

[Olesdatter]

Yes, I think the Alzheimer's/dementia (undiagnosed, unfortunately) could be a big aspect to his recent issues, esp since he hasn't always been like this - well, at least to this extent anyway. In reading about some of the BPD "types", he has had those tendencies, but usually rational reassurances worked. The rapid mood cycling and anger/rage is new stuff, and no amount of "counter logic" seems to help.

i'm in a sticky situation w/r/t any doctors - I live in WA and he lives in WIS with my step-mom. I worked with her last year to enlist her help for doctors & appts, etc - but Dad kept refusing and canceling important appointments. Next up on the reading board - how to talk w a loved one about getting help.

Thus far, he has refused to get it (ex for seeing a psych for PTSD). I will contact my step mom and see what info I can find out. In the past, Dad has gotten angry at both of us for "going behind his back". 

Thank you both for your replies.

Sophie - did your Mom do anything productive for you and your friend, or did she seem to relish the divide? I'm really sorry to hear that - pain on pain. I suspect it was the BPD. There's an article on the board about "waif, hermit, queen and witch" that talks about the different common personality types that can be seen with BPD - I would add the link here, but i"m not quite sure how to do it. You can probably search for it.

-Oles