The ability to trust one's self in the company of a BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I don't know about you folks, but my ability to trust myself in the company of my BPDw at least in terms of personal matters is really low. After being verbally abused, degraded, and being around her being so negative, I tend to wonder if I am right or wrong, and I act out upon myself in negative ways, because I don't feel I am worth it. Now that she has dragged me through the dirt and back with her negativity, she is feeling high and mighty, taking classes, studying, and working. Then, there are sparks of positivity that she emits, such as a little bit of happiness towards and giving me an anniversary present of a mini iPad. Thus, it truly is extremely hard for me to trust myself, not alone to trust her.

Professionally, I trust myself, and she doesn't step the line with me on what I am doing. In fact, all she is interested in is the money I earn. Beyond the money, my personal joy and how to feel good about helping others are giving me my professional trust.

So, how many of you are dealing with self-doubt and with the inability to trust yourselves? Are your oases your ability to work outside of your home environment?

Bottom line, I feel I am being torn limb by limb with very few sprinkles of hope.

[Samuel S.]

I don't know about you folks, but my ability to trust myself in the company of my BPDw at least in terms of personal matters is really low. After being verbally abused, degraded, and being around her being so negative, I tend to wonder if I am right or wrong, and I act out upon myself in negative ways, because I don't feel I am worth it. Now that she has dragged me through the dirt and back with her negativity, she is feeling high and mighty, taking classes, studying, and working. Then, there are sparks of positivity that she emits, such as a little bit of happiness towards and giving me an anniversary present of a mini iPad. Thus, it truly is extremely hard for me to trust myself, not alone to trust her.

Professionally, I trust myself, and she doesn't step the line with me on what I am doing. In fact, all she is interested in is the money I earn. Beyond the money, my personal joy and how to feel good about helping others are giving me my professional trust.

So, how many of you are dealing with self-doubt and with the inability to trust yourselves? Are your oases your ability to work outside of your home environment?

Bottom line, I feel I am being torn limb by limb with very few sprinkles of hope.

[Samuel S.]

Today was a mostly positive day. Due to our fridge not working and due to the fact that my BPDw was out of town studying, I informed her about the fridge, went out to look for one, called her, texted her the photo of it, and made the arrangements to get it in our house. Then, my BPDw's daughter made breakfast, the first time ever! So, my BPDw thanked me for taking care of the fridge, and I thanked my step-daughter for random act of kindness. The rest of the day was mostly positive, until I got back to our house after teaching and tutoring. My BPDw was back, complaining about this and that. Yep, that's the reason that I can't trust her completely. Like it was too good to be too good. So, she had to make an issue out of something. The floor was dirty. She had to get rid of food that spoiled. She cleaned the fish tank and was complaining that it was a nuisance to do so. Then, she was okay. Again, it is like being on an emotional rollercoaster all the time, walking on eggshells!

[maxsterling]

I think I am currently facing what you are going though.

My dBPDgf is extremely depressed, negative all the time, and is taking up a ton of my time and emotional energy.  And I find myself behaving in ways that conflict with my personality - I am getting frustrated easier, I have thoughts of doing things that I know aren't the right actions, and generally feel much more down about myself.  The things I enjoy don't seem as much fun anymore.

Sometimes I will spend hours being consumed by thoughts of how to end the relationship, and how to express to her how hurtful she is to me in a way that she will understand.  But at the same time, what's the point of explaining myself?  And then after a few hours thinking by myself, I may come home to see her, and she may make an incredibly tender gesture, and realize I love her, then feel guilty for having previously having those thoughts of leaving.

[Samuel S.]

Our BPDs are great manipulators when they find out that we have our weak spots. Then, they like to make degrading remarks. It is hard to believe they say such horrible things when all we have ever wanted to do is to love them, and they know it. Yet, they can't handle love very easily. Then, like you, I take it out on myself, becuase I was essentially duped into believing this person was the love of my life. I only wish that were the case. . . So, for me, I believe that where there is life, there is hope, but with a BPD, it is hard for them to truly express love, and it is really hard to believe there is a life with them, too. Us nonBPDs have our faults, yes; however, we are mostly love personified with the expressed purposes of loving, giving, and helping with the hope of having our relationships be mutual. I guess that's wishful thinking!