Anyone else have a "high-functioning" partner?

[Discovery]

I am posting this because a lot of the stories I've read the pwBPD has so many "obvious" problems -- the overt lying, cheating, frequent rages, etc. and those don't fit with my experience with my former partner. I'd like to know if others have experiences with very high-functioning pwBPD. In some ways I feel very isolated because his emotional dysregulation was so hidden from others and really only experienced by me (and likely by his ex-wife, but I am not in contact with her).

I find it hard still to fully believe he has BPD/NPD (or some combo thereof) -- even though after reading this site and tons of other material on the internet it all FITS -- because I don't feel like I have the hard, obvious, more extreme "evidence" other people do-- just a lot of maddening instances of B/W thinking, passive-aggressive behavior, and the one thing that is so blatant that it can't be ignored: the shocking, sudden and impersonal discard.

To the outside world, this man seems like a wonderful person (and in his non-BPD moments, he is). Generous, friendly, charismatic, but in a very "nice" and "humble" way, polite, even spiritual. He has a good job with a lot of responsibility and is able to do "communication" well at work. He has friends who think he is such a great guy, who love his enthusiasm and passion (just like I did). I'm sure he has also convinced his counsellor that he's just a nice guy, a people pleaser, who is not appreciated and has been taken for granted by his SO (me). I say this because he loves his sessions with her, and wouldn't share with me what he told her, only that in his sessions he discovered that he is suffering in the relationship and needs to take care of himself and not take care of anyone else. Would he tell me HOW specifically he is suffering, so we could discuss it? No. Did he then use this as the "reason" to exit the r/s with no warning, no closure, and a statement that he wants no contact with me ever again? Yes.

The  red-flags that make sense to me now only in light of what I've learned about BPD/NPD:

* Inability to express any NEGATIVE emotions

* Constant use of passive-aggressive behavior in the relationship--acting upset, but won't say why, frequent disconnects from the r/s when something upsets him, then goes NC with no indication when (if ever) contact will resume (this happened cyclically in the r/s 2X or more per year), NEVER apologizes or admits/owns wrong-doing

* B/W thinking: not just about the r/s, but also about other things at times... .where once convinced something is "bad" - no amount of contrary facts can change his mind - it is CLOSED SHUT

* Frequently taking up some new thing with great enthusiasm and passion, but then abandoning it months later

* Passionately joining me in interests I had, then later accusing me of being controlling, that I was so sure about what I wanted and asked for it... .and resenting me for that (What the heck? After he joined me in doing those things and said he loved them?)

* Manipulative use of communication tools... .I'm a coach and I shared many positive tools with him, such as Non-violent communication (NVC), Law of Attraction, spiritual perspectives, etc. He was very into these and I felt excited to have a partner who was passionate about them too... .but then I experienced him "using" these tools selectively in a very manipulative way... .like using NVC, but only partially -- so it looked like he was being elevated in using a positive tool, but he'd completely ignore parts of what I was sharing... .or when going NC and I'd express the hurt it caused me, he'd say I should "go with the flow" and "focus on the positive" and then I'd wonder if indeed I wasn't being flexible enough (WOW!)

* Episodes of out-of-proportion rage

Ex. 1

Once, when he wanted sex and I said I didn't feel like it, and he wouldn't accept it... .I said "If you are whiney like that, I definitely won't want to" - he flew into a rage, jumped out of the bed, screamed "SHut the hit up!" over and over so loud i was scared someone would call the police. I had to become totally CALM and cool in order not to escalate him further and I was actually physically scared of him.

Ex. 2

I called him at home in the evening (he'd said earlier in the day he'd be home and I could call him) and when he didn't answer, I tried his cell phone. No answer. So I tried him on Skype. He was having problems with his landline, so I never knew if it was working. I tried it again. He answered and screamed at me that he was talking to his brother and to stop harassing him and slammed down the phone.

There were other things such as getting triggered and throwing keys in the street, leaving and not telling me where he was going, yelling at me that I was sick, etc.

Over 7 years, these happened maybe 2 or 3X in the year - but maybe they were not frequent because our r/s was LD, and the longest time we spent consecutively together over our 7-year r/s was 4 weeks - we saw each other about every 2 mos for a week - 10 days + a long extended period in the summer?

I guess I never was with him long enough for the "honeymoon" phase to go into the "reality" phase until the end... .to see the bad behaviors frequently enough to see there was a BIG problem. I figured well, he has his problems, we all do, we work it out. I knew all about his traumatic childhood, and because I do healing work, I cut him slack because I knew that it wasn't CONSCIOUS what he was doing... .and I believed he would heal (as he was learning about childhood trauma and patterns and we were doing a lot of healing work together). AND he agreed to go to couples counselling with me re the avoidant pattern of withdrawing (he quit counselling and the r/s after the 4th session).

**Sigh**

Reading these boards has shown me my part in this dance.

In retrospect, there were other  red-flags I naively ignored:

* How he treated his ex-wife when he left his marriage (I totally believed everything he told me about how he was the victim, she had been aggressive and controlling, felt sorry for him) -- he was not upfront with her, and showed no care or concern for her and the impact on their family (3 kids) when he left

* How he instantly said "I love you" after only days of being together

* How he complained about all the things his ex didn't do FOR him... .

* How he didn't feel loved

* Selfish things he'd done in their r/s which didn't sit well with me (but which I ignored  )

* How important it was for him to tell me how much people liked him (NPD red flags) -- at work, in his  spiritual group, in his volunteer activity, etc.

And more... .

This is long enough. I just wanted to see if there are others whose partners were more like this - ALOT of loving words, loving actions, affection, verbal and physical, shared activities and interests, even spirituality, what appeared to be a r/s that was the majority of the time happy, connected, fun, deep... .no cutting, no drama, no affairs, just glimpses of the rage, hints of the narcissism, passive-aggressiveness, denying negative emotions, etc.

And then ... .BOOM! They say they've been unhappy/suffering. They don't love you anymore. End of story. End of email. End of contact.

[frag1911]

In the book "I Hate You-Don't Leave Me", Kreisman writes that they are attempting to plan out a different modeling of diagnosis that would allow for levels of graduation for the diagnosis... .like, level 1, 2, 3, etc., or mild moderate, severe... .that type of thing.

One of the issues is that BPD has been very confusing to track and diagnose for a long time.  I'm not too sure but the big highs and lows in their cycles make it difficult for those outside of their world (like counselors, MC, etc.) who see them only once a week for an hour or irregularly, to really get sufficient observations.

My stbx was fairly easy, because she couldn't keep up the façade, and then carried her anger from one session to the next until she broke.

[KE151]

* How he treated his ex-wife when he left his marriage (I totally believed everything he told me about how he was the victim, she had been aggressive and controlling, felt sorry for him) -- he was not upfront with her, and showed no care or concern for her and the impact on their family (3 kids) when he left

* How he instantly said "I love you" after only days of being together

* How he complained about all the things his ex didn't do FOR him... .

* How he didn't feel loved

* Selfish things he'd done in their r/s which didn't sit well with me (but which I ignored  )

* How important it was for him to tell me how much people liked him (NPD red flags) -- at work, in his  spiritual group, in his volunteer activity, etc.

And more... .

This is long enough. I just wanted to see if there are others whose partners were more like this - ALOT of loving words, loving actions, affection, verbal and physical, shared activities and interests, even spirituality, what appeared to be a r/s that was the majority of the time happy, connected, fun, deep... .no cutting, no drama, no affairs, just glimpses of the rage, hints of the narcissism, passive-aggressiveness, denying negative emotions, etc.

And then ... .BOOM! They say they've been unhappy/suffering. They don't love you anymore. End of story. End of email. End of contact.

Hi! 

I've been in not one but two r/s's with uBPD-women, both of them high-functioning. No1 was the raging queen type and No2 was more waif like, no rages but lots of passive aggression. No1 I have properly dealt with and have been NC for 21 months. Causes me no more pain or ruminations. No2 I'm still struggling with to some extent, to get over her, now in very low LC.

I'll tell you a bit more about No2... .I can really relate to what you say, lots of love, lots of openness, vulnerability (but in retrospect victimhood), fun, good discussions. Everything was somehow really easy with her! She has no history of cutting, alcohol/drugs. She was however addicted to exercise and shopping. She said we were the "perfect couple" and that everything in life should be perfect. Another I ignored.

In hindsight, she had painted her two exes (who I know about) jet black. She even said she hoped for her exh to die (father of her 2 kids). And that she had never loved on-off-bf, but just used him for sex (they were together for 5 years, and according to her relatives had planned to move in together etc etc), he had meant nothing to her... .lots more   red-flags which I chose to ignore.

She never really revealed anything of her true SELF. She talked a lot about other peoples's r/s's and when discussing her past r/s's did not like to talk about her role in anything. She NEVER EVER apologized for anything, she never said she was sorry. She NEVER showed any negative emotions, except at the very end, where she went passive-aggressive big time.

She loved to boast how many famous people she knows, how she has important friends and that her employer was basically praying for her to become the next big boss because she was so important to the company. At the time I thought of this as a NPD  but again ignored... .

She lied, lied and lied, about almost anything. White lies about small things and major lies about previous r/s's. Her continuous lying and me finally (and quite gently actually) confronting her about it brought the r/s to an abrupt stop. She obviously denied lying ("bad memory" and accused me of being jealous and narcissistic  and that I had brought the demise of the r/s all on my own. It was all my fault. She pulled away, gave me the silent treatment for weeks until I called it quits.

I got really close to her two kids too, so I was blown away by the way she extracted me from her and the kids' lives. Still struggling months and months later. No real answers, no closure whatsoever. I know she is disordered but as I didn't witness raging or cheating, why I guess it's been unbelievably difficult to get over this one. It was a lot easier to accept the raging queen's disorder as it was so obvious.

So my 2c is: a r/s and break-up from a high functioning BPD can hugely devastating as they are intelligent and know how to best hide their traits, gaslight and manipulate. Non can be left at a complete loss of what happened. So I'm 100% on the same page with you Discovery.

[heartandwhole]

Discovery, I'm so sorry about your breakup.  The abruptness of it is something I relate to, and it is so painful.  My pwBPD was also very loving, spiritual, self-aware.  He never raged, never put me down, was in therapy, too.

We weren't together very long, in fact, we were LD and only talking about getting together when the final breakup happened.  But my pain was colossal, regardless.

It sounds like you two were about to live together and that triggered his defense mechanisms.  There is something very comfortable about LDRs– they are less threatening, because there is less chance of engulfment.  Also, in my r/s, I found that the long distance added to the "fantasy" aspect, making our r/s seem so special and extraordinary.

It really isn't personal, although I think that is a huge challenge to understand initially.  I'm grateful now for the opportunity that this r/s gave me to look at my dysfunctional patterns and work on changing them.

Keep reading and posting, it helps tremendously.  We're here for you. 

[maxen]

hi discovery. my stbxw was also high functioning, so here's one more poster who's had your experience.

she's a phi beta kappa graduate who's had a very successful career. she has a large circle of friends who think she's great and some of whom she has apparently convinced that the marriage was just a nightmare. however, her history in relationships has been consistent (): before me, many short relationships; three times (by my count) she started something while seeing someone else (i make four, but we had vows so it would be different  :'( ); she was not in any way responsible for any of these failures (i don't doubt that on some occasions the guy was responsible, and my hands aren't spotless i the current situation, but it was always "when we got close he couldn't commit". well, i committed, and see).

of the items you mention, i can give examples for these:

* Inability to express any NEGATIVE emotions

this was the doom of the marriage. one day right at the start i said something like "dear, could you clean up this mess (that she left) here in the kitchen" and she exploded with something i had done weeks earlier, but which she'd never mentioned. she may have been right about me, but she didn't say it when she felt it and wouldn't address the little issue i was raising. later i said that if i ever did anything that bugged her, she should just let me know, because i didn't want her to be annoyed or hurt, she responded that she thought a couple should just accept every single thing about each other and never complain, i thought that was impossible. the only thing she would say is that she wished i'd shave more often. that's it. honestly, i felt like she wasn't paying attention to me.

and this is what caused the end. only once did she say explicitly that she was unhappy, and when she did she agreed to keep working in the marriage, keep our routines, etc. i now realize that she was already gone by then. she lived in deceit with me for a month, before coming home from work, announcing "this marriage isn't working for me, there's someone else" and driving away to move in with that person. my marriage ended in one hour. i'm in a state of devastation and don't know when i'll get out of it. no "maxen, i'm really unhappy and we need to address things if we're going to make it work," just infidelity and bolting.

* Constant use of passive-aggressive behavior in the relationship ... .NEVER apologizes or admits/owns wrong-doing

my w's passive-aggressive behavior is shocking. the list of things she 'forgot' is incredible and on two occasions caused me physical injury. and of course she's never responsible for anything. when i faced her with her deceit she first shrugged, then said "i'm not proud of it," then said "i didn't handle that well," and accused me of acting morally superior because i was always honest with her. but if you'd do a thing like that, you're not morally developed enough to take responsibility for it i guess.

* B/W thinking: not just about the r/s, but also about other things at times... .where once convinced something is "bad" - no amount of contrary facts can change his mind - it is CLOSED SHUT

perhaps connected, in a very painful conversation she once said that holding grudges forever and never forgiving slights is maybe "just the way i am." she's "the queen of bitter" she said of herself, and still makes comments about people who have been out of her life for 20 years.

* ... .I was so sure about what I wanted and asked for it... .and resenting me for that

this seems to be a very BPD trait. i pretty much know my own mind and thought i'd married someone who knew her own mind too. and she appeared to early on, and i was hugely attracted to that. but once in the marriage it became clear that she wanted me to be the direction-setter, so much so that she became resisted when i wanted her to contribute more to our decisions. i'm not sure that that's the same thing you mean, discovery, but in either case i think the BPD partner wants us to make the decision that the BPD partner wants made but won't speak out for, and becomes resentful when we don't. doing the emotional work is our job, not theirs.

* How he treated his ex-wife when he left his marriage (I totally believed everything he told me about how he was the victim, she had been aggressive and controlling, felt sorry for him) -- he was not upfront with her, and showed no care or concern for her and the impact on their family (3 kids) when he left

we have no children, but as i said above, this is what's happened with me.

* How he complained about all the things his ex didn't do FOR him... .

i did so much for her that she just never credited. only the bad counts, not the good. in BPD terms, devaluation.

* How he didn't feel loved

the official reason she left was that she "didn't feel cherished."

in my case though there was alcohol abuse, sometimes bad, and decades ago there was self-mutilation (not cutting but iirc pulling her fingernails out). but most of the time she was swell. i told her that i was the one she could say anything to, but a BPD can never really internalize that. instead she hoarded her feelings and then exploded, as she has done before, and i'm left a wreckage.

that's a bit long-winded, but all this was, as you say, hidden from others and only seen by me. i never told anyone out of discretion but also because they'd never believe it. there a great post here by a poster named GP 44 which addresses this. i have to search for it and i'll post it here after a bit.

[UmbrellaBoy]

So many things you said resonated with me.

Mine was high functioning. He never had the danger symptoms 4, 5, and 6. Self-injury or suicidality, compulsive thrill seeking, or rages. In fact, one thing weird about him was that I never really saw him angry at all.

But you don't need those. You only need 5 of 9 symptoms, and really the danger symptoms only come as a reaction to the pain and frustration of having the condition in people who can't cope.

[caughtnreleased]

So many things you said resonated with me.

Mine was high functioning. He never had the danger symptoms 4, 5, and 6. Self-injury or suicidality, compulsive thrill seeking, or rages. In fact, one thing weird about him was that I never really saw him angry at all.

But you don't need those. You only need 5 of 9 symptoms, and really the danger symptoms only come as a reaction to the pain and frustration of having the condition in people who can't cope.

Perhaps the ones with the danger symptoms are more likely to get help since it is so obvious they need it. My npd ex had so many similarities to what you describe: refused to ever admit he was wrong, resentful and threatened by my ability to take initiative, looking for "perfection" on the relationship, and so much more comfortable in ld.  One important thing I remember him doing was totally dismissing the entire psychotherapy profession as a bunch of liars and manipulators looking to make a dime off of vulnerable people... .He painted them all black. 

[Oliolioxenfree]

Something to consider with those who have high functioning BPD is that the people who experience the symptoms are usually only those who get close to them , like a romantic partner or family member.   People who are in positions to trigger them. To the outside world they can be seemingly normal (mine displayed some red flags to our social circle ) but for the most part everyone thought maybe he was just a colossal d********.

This may be why it's hard to tell.  You feel alone and they are very adept at crazy making so you think maybe you are mistaken.   Either way if you have found your way here they have some or many BPD traits which in itself should be a major red flag.   Regardless of whether or not they do or do not have BPD (and many of us will never get that definitive diagnosis on our exes) their behavior was / is flat out wrong and isn't conducive to a healthy loving mature relationship. 

Fully disconnecting and letting go hurts but no matter what you deserve to be treated better.  We all do

[Discovery]

Hi KE151,

I can really relate to what you say, lots of love, lots of openness, vulnerability (but in retrospect victimhood), fun, good discussions. Everything was somehow really easy with her! ... .She said we were the "perfect couple" and that everything in life should be perfect. Another Red Flag I ignored.

Yes, the victimhood  was also not picked up on by me. It was actually VERY big, but I was so blinded by feelings of compassion for him that it never occurred to me that maybe the way HE did life was a contributing factor. As our r/s progressed, I realized he had a very unrealistic view of r/s... .very much about holding hands, the "couple in love walking in the park" kind of thing... .and I see now from reading about BPD that this is typical... .unrealistic romanticized, unattainable "perfection" just like a movie.

In hindsight, she had painted her two exes (who I know about) jet black.

Yes,  for me too which I naively ignored, believing his version, that she was controlling, didn't love him, neglected him, etc. What about HIS agency in that r/s? I did try to understand this and talked to him about it, but he really never owned his part at all, no awareness of his part. If only I knew then what I know now... .

She NEVER EVER apologized for anything, she never said she was sorry. She NEVER showed any negative emotions, except at the very end, where she went passive-aggressive big time.

*Sigh* Yes. And then you are stunned to discover this huge mountain of hidden resentments, for things that could have been easily put on the table and dealt with... .nothing unsolvable, normal every-day r/s stuff.

She loved to boast how many famous people she knows, how she has important friends and that her employer was basically praying for her to become the next big boss because she was so important to the company. At the time I thought of this as a NPD  Red Flag but again ignored... .

I also had  about this kind of thing... .my ex-partner had a need to tell me about how people really appreciated and admired him -- at work, in his spiritual circle, in his volunteer work... .I sometimes wondered why he needed to tell me this, but told myself he just wanted to share when he felt something good and I would always validate these sharings and say how proud I was of him... .I chalked it up to male ego and needing to feel powerful. The fact that other men in my life never did this did occur to me, but I was again seeing him differently because I knew about his traumatic childhood and how his father was so harsh and never validated him.

It was all my fault.

... .No real answers, no closure whatsoever. I know she is disordered but as I didn't witness raging or cheating, why I guess it's been unbelievably difficult to get over this one. It was a lot easier to accept the raging queen's disorder as it was so obvious.

Yes, I sometimes wish I had some BIG-TIME bad stuff to draw upon to make it OBVIOUS what was going on. It would feel easier to detach and say, "See!" But my body and my spirit knows things were "wrong."

And I have made myself lists of them which I re-read every day to reprogram my brain to SEE them. I also ask my close friends to RE-TELL them to me to help me reinforce that I WAS dealing with someone with BIG PROBLEMS. And writing on this board is helping too.

Hope we can all help each other validate our experiences.

[Discovery]

Discovery, I'm so sorry about your breakup.  The abruptness of it is something I relate to, and it is so painful.  My pwBPD was also very loving, spiritual, self-aware.  He never raged, never put me down, was in therapy, too.

We weren't together very long, in fact, we were LD and only talking about getting together when the final breakup happened.  But my pain was colossal, regardless.

It sounds like you two were about to live together and that triggered his defense mechanisms. 

YES, heart and whole... .I think so. It seems so obvious. After working through major logistical challenges for 7 years, JUST WHEN he had his life in order and it would be possible for me to move in with him, when I was ready to move, doing concrete things to move, after we found & renovated a place (to which he made us special matching key chains because it was the concrete realization of us starting our life TOGETHER full-time)... .he suddenly realized (literally in a space of 2 weeks) he "didn't love me anymore" and asked me (in the most horrible impersonal email) to "return the key." I had spent MONTHS preparing that apartment, including finding it, holding his hand through the purchase process, and then literally WEEKS of on my knees, scraping, painting, caulking etc. to get it into shape. He asked for the key back and never ONCE said a single word of acknowledgement of his BROKEN PROMISES or of my investment in OUR home. I also believe he got triggered by my request for couples counselling to address the painful cycles of withdrawing/avoiding which I didn't want to repeat when I moved there... .at the 4th session he bailed.

There is something very comfortable about LDRs– they are less threatening, because there is less chance of engulfment.  Also, in my r/s, I found that the long distance added to the "fantasy" aspect, making our r/s seem so special and extraordinary.

Yes, I believe that the reality of f-t relationship was too scary. And that even though he said he didn't want a LDR anymore, in fact it had been all he could handle because he was able to control a lot by dropping in/out of the r/s when he felt overwhelmed by just going NC.

It really isn't personal, although I think that is a huge challenge to understand initially.  I'm grateful now for the opportunity that this r/s gave me to look at my dysfunctional patterns and work on changing them.

Yes, hard sometimes not to regret all the time invested, not knowing what I know now. But no going back, it happened. Need to focus on learning and on the present.

[Discovery]

Maxen, thank you for sharing your experiences with your partner.

she exploded with something i had done weeks earlier, but which she'd never mentioned. she may have been right about me, but she didn't say it when she felt it and wouldn't address the little issue i was raising. later i said that if i ever did anything that bugged her, she should just let me know, because i didn't want her to be annoyed or hurt, she responded that she thought a couple should just accept every single thing about each other and never complain, i thought that was impossible.

I also tried in many different ways to INVITE my partner to GIVE ME FEEDBACK on my behaviours, to make requests, letting him know HE mattered and his well-being mattered and that I wanted to know what contributed to his happiness in the r/s. But he was unable to make requests for himself or express disatisfactions... .he saw himself as the giver, the one whose role was to please me (which he told me proudly... .that he was THAT kind of man)... .Sadly I was to discover that when people over-give and don't know how to express their feelings and needs, they bury a lot and it has to surface sometime.

she lived in deceit with me for a month, before coming home from work, announcing "this marriage isn't working for me, there's someone else" and driving away to move in with that person. my marriage ended in one hour. i'm in a state of devastation and don't know when i'll get out of it. no "maxen, i'm really unhappy and we need to address things if we're going to make it work," just infidelity and bolting.

WOW that's HORRIBLE and UNIMAGINABLE.

I can't imagine the TOTAL SHOCK.

My experience is they are SO totally unable to express their authentic emotions that they HIDE and RUN. Very cowardly and very very unfair. Leaving traumatized and hurt people in the wake.

the official reason she left was that she "didn't feel cherished."

I was also told... .his love for me extinguished "because it was not nurtured." = basically the same thing. Did he SAY exactly what that meant? No. Of course not.

This actually INFURIATED me when I read it. What DIDN'T I do? I gave this man 500% more than I've ever given anyone... .in time, in attention, in positive feedback, in support, in presence, in flexibility, in willingness to examine myself and be accountable, in willingness to go through challenges, in forgiveness and letting go of hurtful behaviors towards me.

In light of what I know about BPD I now understand his statement to mean: "You stopped giving me 100% positive validation and so I can't love you anymore, because my "love" was actually all about NEED, and unless you can ONLY show me my good side, ALL the time, you don't "love" me.

all this was, as you say, hidden from others and only seen by me. i never told anyone out of discretion but also because they'd never believe it.

Very hard, very isolating, very very crazy-making. Just you, what you experienced, and it's all in your head now. I really feel that if I'd never found out about BPD I'd have totally lost it. As it is, even WITH the information, I'm waking daily with panic attacks, barely functioning and wondering what happened to the person who used to be me.

Thanks for sharing. It's good to hear we are not alone. I wish you strength today and each day to come.

[Discovery]

Umbrellaboy,

My npd ex had so many similarities to what you describe: refused to ever admit he was wrong, resentful and threatened by my ability to take initiative, looking for "perfection" on the relationship, and so much more comfortable in ld.

Thank you for sharing your similiar experience. So good to hear from people who GET IT.

Oliolioxenfree

Regardless of whether or not they do or do not have BPD (and many of us will never get that definitive diagnosis on our exes) their behavior was / is flat out wrong and isn't conducive to a healthy loving mature relationship.

Fully disconnecting and letting go hurts but no matter what you deserve to be treated better.  We all do

True, and I must reiterate this to myself over and over and over... .to kill magical thinking and to realize that as TERRIBLE as this feels, it's probably a mercy that I be excised now rather than later.

[ScotisGone74]

I believe that the High Functioning BPD's can hide the majority of their issues from many generally well.  Mine worked with me and was able to hide many of her traits at work... .because mainly she was Not very close to many of those we worked with.  Its the people closest to them that get the brunt of the fury, rage, and projection.  Those people that they work with, neighbors, people they knew from college... .most of those people are who they can deal with generally because they have no attachment to them, these are people that have nothing the BPD sees as being valuable to them, nothing that they need anything from, nothing they can take from.   They put on their pretend 'cheery, happy' mask for these people.    BPD is an attachment disorder, the S/O they are attached to receive the manipulation, blame, guilt, shame, rage for the most part.   Some BPD's are excellent manipulators and careful to release their rage only behind closed doors or in private. 

[maxen]

thanks for your kind words discovery. i wish the same for you.

it seems that fear of communicating is a strong BPD trait, i guess it opens the door to self-examination. i'd add that since she bolted i emptied my heart out to her twice in emails. the first time she read it and didn't respond, the second time she said she wasn't going to read it.

[Turkish]

Maxen, thank you for sharing your experiences with your partner.

she lived in deceit with me for a month, before coming home from work, announcing "this marriage isn't working for me, there's someone else" and driving away to move in with that person. my marriage ended in one hour. i'm in a state of devastation and don't know when i'll get out of it. no "maxen, i'm really unhappy and we need to address things if we're going to make it work," just infidelity and bolting.

WOW that's HORRIBLE and UNIMAGINABLE.

I can't imagine the TOTAL SHOCK.

My experience is they are SO totally unable to express their authentic emotions that they HIDE and RUN. Very cowardly and very very unfair. Leaving traumatized and hurt people in the wake.

Mine didn't tell me, I had to find out. She said she was going to tell me "later." Yeah, right. I'm glad I found out early. Of course... .that was two months ago, and she's still living with me :^( Same. Freaking. Thing. Not as shocking and in my face as maxen's, more like my X's father... .deceitful and conniving.

the official reason she left was that she "didn't feel cherished."

I was also told... .his love for me extinguished "because it was not nurtured." = basically the same thing. Did he SAY exactly what that meant? No. Of course not.

This actually INFURIATED me when I read it. What DIDN'T I do? I gave this man 500% more than I've ever given anyone... .in time, in attention, in positive feedback, in support, in presence, in flexibility, in willingness to examine myself and be accountable, in willingness to go through challenges, in forgiveness and letting go of hurtful behaviors towards me.

In light of what I know about BPD I now understand his statement to mean: "You stopped giving me 100% positive validation and so I can't love you anymore, because my "love" was actually all about NEED, and unless you can ONLY show me my good side, ALL the time, you don't "love" me.

Exactly mine, too! Life wasn't enough. She focused on teenage romance type things like a flower I gave to her this past year, instead of a stable home, economic situation, taking care of her car (and buying her a new one!) so she didn't have to worry about that. Getting up at 6-7AM every freaking morning for the past year plus so she could sleep in for an hour or two on weekends... .generally taking care of the kids more so she wouldn't stress, etc... .and so on.

She focused on the teen stuff. "Sex should be mind-blowing... .all of the time. If not, there's something wrong... .with you!" "The little things count, I don't care about the other stuff!" (kids, mortgage, careers, financial stability, physical safety and stability, food, me doing the most cooking, sharing the indoor cleaning with her not doing one thing for the outside 'man' things), attempting to meet her seemingly endless stream of needs"I'm unhappy, you need to do x, y, z and I'll be happy." Nevermind the periodic and predictable BPD verbal and emotional abuse and rages every other week... .with me walking on eggshells in-between. How much can a partner take? Sure, I wound down the affection (not entirely, but enough)... .which triggered her (early 30s) going off with some guy who's barely out of his teens, and way behind where I was in life at the same age. I personally couldn't deal with the cuddling, sex, and romantic stuff she wanted from someone who was angry, even at times admitting, "I'm such a b*tch to you, but I'm your b*tch... ." Oh, wow, that made me feel SO much better! Yeah, I'm so lucky!

She got what she wanted out of me: two kids, which seem to be the only things keeping her somewhat emotionally stable and here on this planet. People, even her family, have no idea. I served her purpose, her need. She didn't need me anymore for that, so she discarded me in the worst possible way.

The poor deal I get out of it is that I will always be her emotional (and financial) Caretaker to some extent, due to our kids. The other guy(s) will get a better deal, since I will have to deal with the real adult things and stresses. She won't look for a father for them as she already has me. She will never have kids with another man, because she was so adamant about getting herself neutered. She will therefore never, ever have to have the mature relationship (on the outside) that we had. Congratulations, child. You will remain a child forever.

[ScotisGone74]

great post.   I guess thats a lesson for those people that think marriage or kids will make them 'happy'. 

[maxen]

Life wasn't enough. ... .(kids, mortgage, careers, financial stability, physical safety and stability, food, me doing the most cooking, sharing the indoor cleaning with her not doing one thing for the outside 'man' things)

my list would be different, but exactly the point. we're 56 and 48, for crissakes. we'd seen each other through sickness, built a life together, had an active marriage, with issues of course, but we had stability, and could have for the rest of our lives. but she didn't feel 'cherished'. 

People, even her family, have no idea.

it's just infuriating.

[Turkish]

Life wasn't enough. ... .(kids, mortgage, careers, financial stability, physical safety and stability, food, me doing the most cooking, sharing the indoor cleaning with her not doing one thing for the outside 'man' things)

my list would be different, but exactly the point. we're 56 and 48, for crissakes. we'd seen each other through sickness, built a life together, had an active marriage, with issues of course, but we had stability, and could have for the rest of our lives. but she didn't feel 'cherished'. 

I'm 42, she around ten years younger. I sometimes feel like saying: Grow. The Hell. Up. I've taken care of her plenty when she was sick (I tend to take care of myself... .maybe that didn't make her feel valued, I don't know): Depression, flus, her down days before and after pregnancy, her recovery from being neutered... .

People, even her family, have no idea.

it's just infuriating.

The weird thing is that her family thinks she is just stubborn, moody and difficult. Though one brother early on said she was "mean." They all love her, but the whole family has major issues, with her older bro I am pretty sure also has BPD, and possibly her father, too. I tread carefully around what I say, even though I am lucky, unlike many here, that none of them approve of her behavior. They will support her decision, due to blood, even if they don't agree with it. Freaking enablers. If my child came to me and said he or she (I have both) had cheated on their partner after my own spouse had done the same thing to me the past year (her father to her mother... .a recurring pattern), I'd have smacked them across the face. I wouldn't care how old they were.

[Juno]

Hey Discovery,

I was involved with a very high functional BPD. Mine was my high school teacher. She was like night and day. When she was teaching she was as professional as any teacher. She taught for 25 years and retired as head of the science department. Even now, she's adjunct professor at a major university. Yet, behind the her appearance is someone completely crazy.

She took extreme chances to enter into a relationship with me. I had just graduated and temptation overtook her rational side. She was married and is still married today to the same man. Yet, she had a two year relationship with me. Even when I ended it she wouldn't let me go. She has sent me hundreds of letters in the last 26 years. My most recent letter from her was last March. What is so shocking is the substance of her letters. It truly reveals another side to this woman. The person she becomes in the letters is something straight out of a horror movie. Yet, she doesn't even seem to care that she puts this stuff in writing and sends it to me. I could literally destroy her entire world if I showed her letters to certain parties. It's very scary to realize this woman looks so professional on the outside, and completely sick on the inside.