she got herself into the dialysis unit

[twojaybirds]

My dd was born with one kidney and through 5 years old had many kidney infections.  We had surgery and they all subsided through elementary school  but seemed to reoccur end of middle high school or atleast UTI.

Long and short they were all psychosomatic (pre BPD diagnosis) but she kept me running to ER's and believing her and fearful of the one kidney etc.  Even once  she spent a month in the hospital as they tried to figure out what was wrong until a very astute dr figured out there was nothing medically/physically wrong.

She was great at screaming and writhing in pain  but could text her friends and sleep through the night and every test came up negative.

Two days ago she started texting me  ( I guess the no-contact order she told me she file didn't happen LOL)  that she was in ER with a kidney infection... then the text got more//they wouldn't admit her... her symptoms serer awful... .she was in lots of pain.  I acknowledged her feelings both physical and emotional Gave truth  (to trust the doctors) and reminded her that her "infections" always pass in a day or two.

I stopped hearing from her then today she texts me that she in the dialysis unit of the  hospital.

"The admitting doctor told me there was nothing wrong with me and they tried to get me to leave but on the way out I threw up all over the hospitals waiting room so they had to admit me  The admitting dr said I wasn't even pointing to my kidney and I had to explain to him where my kids was"

I called her and her room was filled with friends and she was laughing.  She does not want me to talk to the doctors. She has had an MRI and C-scan and something else it seems.  "The kidney infection is so deep they cant find it."

Oh dear.  She's 19 and can decide her own medical fate.  But it is a reinforcement of her manipulative ways.  Actually as I am typing this I just got an email from her "Call me now"

Nope no call to her right now.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

This takes so much strength for you to endure. It is amazing how the hospital gets sucked into this elaborate distorted reality with her.

How are you doing today?

Qcr

[twojaybirds]

Thanks for asking.  The great part is that I am out of town ( I could drive to her in 2 hours) however I treated myself to a writing retreat and I know she is OK unless I have a direct conversation with a doctor.

It is so sad though, the lengths she is going to, the expense and time the medical people are going to spend testing her for what I already have diagnosed.


And I just checked her fb page... she's posting complaining about how mean the nurses are... .

[pessim-optimist]

Hm, that's really sad to hear... .

How are YOU doing? How's dd doing now - how did it go?

Who is paying the insurance/medical bills?

[twojaybirds]

I pay her insurance and she has insurmountable medical bills due to constant er visits which I won't pay.

She is out and back at school but is 'ripping' mad at me,

told me it's over between us because she was in the hospital 6 days (actually 2.5 days) and I didn't care ( I was out of town, offered to talk to the dr. which she wouldn't  let me and offered on her last day to come and get her)  but by then she was too mad.

And now she is ranting that I took her car  (my car which she had till she stopped paying insurance)

its my fault for her entire life right now.

I know she had psychosomatic pain but now it does pain me to see her so emotionally hurt

I am working hard on it not getting to me  no FOG I keep saying  no FOG

[pessim-optimist]

Perhaps I'm wrong... .

I am wondering if she is going through abandonment fears and is frantically pushing you away, wanting you to be close to her (counter-productive, I know). Is that a possibility?

[twojaybirds]

Oh no you are correct pessi, but that is her standard MO (if you will) 

When I took the car about a month ago she threatened me with the fact she was placing a restraining order/no-contact against me.  Even swore she had the paperwork in place.  That lasted 48 hours before she called me with some rididulous question as an excuse to reconnect just ignoring the the 'no contact order' whicih I knew never exsisted.

I am just tired of it right now and feel like I could bend to go save her but that always ends up a disaster as she manipulates it against me later on t hen I get hurt.

I know she will come around in her time and I have found it better just to wait for her to call or text me once she is past this spot. 

It is just rough knowing that she is in such emotional pain and is looking at friends and boys for relief and scapecoating me while refusing any and all therapy.

[qcarolr]

twojaybirds

The push-pull from our BPD kids is really hard to take sometimes. I hate being the object of my DD27's projections. She has 'reached out' to me with horrible behaviors since a very young age. It is easy to get worn down and want to give up.

Learning validation skills and practicing them daily, along with radical acceptance, is what gives me the courage to stay connected IN HEALTHIER WAYS with my DD. When I get down past a certain point, I lose access to all these skills.

What has helped me get past this burn-out? Reaching out to multiple people in the support network I have been building over the past 2 years. My gd's T, finding a new T for myself, pushing myself to connect with other women in my new church (I am beginning to even remember their names!), and asking for more involvement from my dh; learning to listen to my dh, commiting to doing a self-soothing activity daily (for me in the morning after everyone gone, before I get into my day)... .

How do you take care of your needs? What can you do to accept that your D is doing the best she can each day, even when it feels so awful for you? Can you let go of what pain belongs to her, and find ways to sooth the pain that belongs to you?

Low contact - waiting for contact from our girls - validating their emotions and concrete facts and not validating the skewed perceptions.

It does make sense that taking away the car, even though it is a totally reasonable response to your boundary about her having insurance, triggered her emotional, angry response. Seperating your compassionate feelings of pain from her over the top emotions is a good step.

I believe that you know what you need to do. I understand how painful and difficult it can be to do it.

qcr

[pessim-optimist]

Do you think that the car and the situation with the hospital are connected?

As in - she was upset and 'hurt' that you took the car away, and you were not giving in, so she escalated her behaviors to get sympathy, and perhaps even her car back?

[twojaybirds]

I am pretty good at predicting her highs and lows. Sometimes I can soften them, others there is nothing I can do.  I think this extreme was perpetuated by:

me taking the car

boyfriend trouble

on coming holiday season

finals week

her best friend in the hospital because of boyfriend abuse

I anticipate:

she will randomly call me

she will not return to a strong 'normal for her"  baseline till after the holidays flowing between anger... rage... and anxiety

blame me for spoiled holidays (no matter how much I accommodate her or do or buy or decorate or cook)

if I go away for the holidays then all will be escalated more although she may bail me at the last minute

Today I am better because she is back at school and leaving me alone for a while so I am taking respite in that.

for self care I work out 3 days a week... .poetry group one day a week, writers group 1 day a month and church community group weekly. I Love my job as a teacher and have a boy friend who supports me  in my emotions and will do anything I want around her needs without judgment (he is 50 with no kids).  And right now I ma getting ready to indulge in a piece of pumpkin pie as I enjoy cooking and baking.

However all of this can never take away the pain I do feel for her.  It doesn't drive my life, nor control me but us moms want or kiddos happy.  It sounds so simple all I can do is pray that she will find her way to therapy or at the very least a good relationship.

I'll say again... no FOG (fear... obligation... guilt)

just radical acceptance and the love and understanding of all the board members here.

[qcarolr]

twojaybirds - thanks for sharing all that is positive in your life. There is joy in the midst of our pain if we slow down to look for it.  He works for the good in all things.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders