Cutting Through the FOG

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Not if this is the right place, or on the TPI board... .

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201302/what-do-about-fear-obligation-and-guilt

From the article: "FOG destroys relationships because the people who exploit it and those who let themselves be exploited are not acting out of love or caring. Real love isn’t won by manipulation. It only leads to anger, burnout, resentment, and sometimes the loss of the relationship. When you eliminate the FOG, BPs can clearly ask for what they want and non-BPs can choose to give it because that is what they genuinely want to do."

The thing is, I felt that the things she asked for were unrealistic in a mature, 3-D relationship (kids, home, two careers). So I "let" her do them on her own with her friends... .mistake on my part. Yet she demanded that I do them for her. I even told her I didn't think it was fair to pawn the kids off on her mom so much. maybe there was no right answer at the time. Like she told me the other night, "I'm not ready for this," meaning grown-up responsibilities to them and also us.

"Simply say, “I feel I am doing what is best for both of us. I’m sorry if you don’t agree.” Because you are doing it for both of you. The better you can meet your own needs in this relationship, the more likely it is that the relationship will improve."



I felt that I did. A mutual friend noticed the change in dynamic, me being more assertive, which my X always told me she wanted me to be. Yet that was when it started going downhill a year ago. I feel like I was given a Hobson's Choice.

I guess that is why she chose to go with a "kid" so she could be in complete control, while he fills her needs. He fills her needs to have someone who isn't emotionally mature enough to be bothered by her rages as long as they both get the 1-D aspects of which they are probably only capable.

[Turkish]

Not if this is the right place, or on the TPI board... .

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201302/what-do-about-fear-obligation-and-guilt

From the article: "FOG destroys relationships because the people who exploit it and those who let themselves be exploited are not acting out of love or caring. Real love isn’t won by manipulation. It only leads to anger, burnout, resentment, and sometimes the loss of the relationship. When you eliminate the FOG, BPs can clearly ask for what they want and non-BPs can choose to give it because that is what they genuinely want to do."

The thing is, I felt that the things she asked for were unrealistic in a mature, 3-D relationship (kids, home, two careers). So I "let" her do them on her own with her friends... .mistake on my part. Yet she demanded that I do them for her. I even told her I didn't think it was fair to pawn the kids off on her mom so much. maybe there was no right answer at the time. Like she told me the other night, "I'm not ready for this," meaning grown-up responsibilities to them and also us.

"Simply say, “I feel I am doing what is best for both of us. I’m sorry if you don’t agree.” Because you are doing it for both of you. The better you can meet your own needs in this relationship, the more likely it is that the relationship will improve."



I felt that I did. A mutual friend noticed the change in dynamic, me being more assertive, which my X always told me she wanted me to be. Yet that was when it started going downhill a year ago. I feel like I was given a Hobson's Choice.

I guess that is why she chose to go with a "kid" so she could be in complete control, while he fills her needs. He fills her needs to have someone who isn't emotionally mature enough to be bothered by her rages as long as they both get the 1-D aspects of which they are probably only capable.

[Waifed]

The problem is any partner they are with will eventually be worn out by all of the manipulation, push/pull, secrecy, infidelity, etc.  Those that are more patient, i.e. very codependent may very well spend many years with a pwBPD, but the quality of life has got to be horrible at best.  Then you spend all life not knowing if the are going to walk out the door at the drop of a hat. Is it worth all of the pain?  

[fromheeltoheal]

I guess that is why she chose to go with a "kid" so she could be in complete control, while he fills her needs. He fills her needs to have someone who isn't emotionally mature enough to be bothered by her rages as long as they both get the 1-D aspects of which they are probably only capable.

Interesting.  My borderline was 45 and the previous three suitors were in their 20's.  They each lasted a year, and did something "heinous", her word, on their way out the door.  I was 51 then, and I lasted 4 months.  Lot to be said for maturity and life experience, but still, why did I even go there to begin with?  I know now, but was completely blind then.

[NoSocks]

I soo agree with what you said about them not being able to do 3-D! I some how came to this conclusion quite recently. Didn't come together for me in that kind of description for awhile. He can't seem to manage doing all 3 for himself... .let alone maintain that and cope with caring for wife... .and man to think of kids in that mix... .yikes   too sad. You hit it on the head with this clear observstion... .thats why these boards are so good... .and so very important.