A gift, with toxic strings attached

[Cloudy Days]

Ok, I was just kind of wondering what I should do about this. My husband bought me some very expensive concert tickets for my Christmas present. Don't get me wrong I really wanted the tickets and still want them. However, every time he splits me and goes into a rage. He basically dangles the tickets over my head and acts like he is going to sell them or destroy them or give them away because he bought them for me. Pretty much makes me want to throw them in his face and tell him to shove it. The concert is 8 months away, so I get to look forward to these games until then. He doesn't have access to the tickets, I have them in a safe place. But it's not going to stop him from trying to use them as a tool against me. And honestly it's making me dread even going to it. This is suppose to be a treat for me and it's starting to feel like a punishment.

I think the main reason he's chosen this to use against me is that the concert is for a Male superstar who I was obsessed with as a teen. Cue the jealousy issues over someone I will never meet. Obviously he's able to accept it when he's not dysregulated as he is the one that made sure I got tickets.

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[Mono No Aware]

Oh, wow. That is truly a Siberian Dilemma. Either don't go and he is wounded by your throwing away his special gift, or go and "prove" that you love Male Superstar more than you love him. Dysregulated if you do, dysregulated if you don't.

I would choose to view the situation like this: your H is NOT setting a trap for you on purpose with malicious intent.

He is really trying to be a nice guy and give you a nice present.

It is unfortunate that he falls into such behavior patterns that ruin these presents, but as a Non you cannot Stay & Improve with the mindset of being deliberately attacked. We have to forgive their petty traps.

Any way you can drag him along to the show?

[Cloudy Days]

I haven't really decided if he is going with me or not. He doesn't do well around crowds and has ruined these events in the past (by drinking too much, however he quit drinking it's been over a year). My mother is my go to concert person for this reason. He doesn't trust my mother though. It's basically going to be left up until the day of the show to see how he feels about going, if he doesn't feel like going, she will go.

He does get stressed about crowds, his PTSD just can't handle that many people.

[HopefulDad]

Empathize while setting some boundaries... .

"I really love that you bought me these tickets for Christmas.  That was very thoughtful of you and I can tell you did this out of your love for me wanting to see this concert and make me happy.  Each time you hold these tickets over my head during an argument makes me want to see this concert less and less.  I really do not want to have this happen again.  If you bring up these tickets again in anger, I'm telling you right now I am going to sell them.  I really don't want to sell them, though, because I do want to see this concert.  Just not like this."

Get right with selling them should it happen again and follow through.

[Cloudy Days]

Selling them myself kind of shoots me in the foot though. I do want to go to this concert I would have bought tickets myself, they just wouldn't have been as good as the ones I got. I don't see me giving up something I really want as a good boundary.

[HopefulDad]

I admit, I hate concerts so it was easy for me to craft this response.  If it was for a sporting event like the Super Bowl, maybe I'd be singing a different tune.

But then again, I don't like my memories of events marred by BS.  When I think of my 2nd honeymoon, the first thing I remember is one of the "Top 10 All-Time" deregulations by my BPDw.  The good stuff from that trip is all secondary.  I hope you don't remember this concert in a similar manner.  If you think you will, think again how much you really want to go.

[Grey Kitty]

You say he can't take the tickets away from you.

That means all he can do is bhit, moan, grump, yell, guilt, and complain, right?

And if he's dysregulated, he'll find something to do that about, whether it is those tickets or your haircut!

All you need is a boundary of not sticking around to listen to verbal abuse.

Disengage and don't take the bait.

Note: I'd seriously consider planning to go with your mother, and not giving him the option of going with you. It sounds he will either slightly detract from your fun, or ruin the evening if he goes with you.