Joking about being bipolar and eating bricks.. then twisting it around?

[Suzn]

I'm just wondering for future... lets say she does reply to me and we become friends... .

If she says the following again ie "you called me a bipolar junkie" or " you make me feel terrible and like I'm always doing something wrong" or even sends me an article to not call women crazy- how should I respond?

I responded in shock... then defended myself but then asked for examples so I knew what she was referring to.

This obviously didn't work given she had no real examples and its all in her distorted reality!

So how would you guys respond to this stuff?

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

This workshop and video will help you with this one. Once your read over this and watch the video we can help you practice.  You start the dialog and we can jump in.

I was scared the other night while home alone to be honest. I had crazy thoughts of her appearing at my window! I know it sounds silly.

It doesn't sound silly. It's not unusual for our thoughts to run away with us when we are upset. How did you cope with this at the time? How did you fight off those thoughts?

[Diana82]

well, I am quite rational... mostly!  So I snapped out of thinking that. Maybe I watch too many horror movies 

I'm just SO curious now as to why she was riding on my street. I am dying to ask her.

[Suzn]

well, I am quite rational... mostly!  So I snapped out of thinking that. Maybe I watch too many horror movies  

MayBEE.  

I'm just SO curious now as to why she was riding on my street. I am dying to ask her.

IF it was her, you likely already know the answer. What if it wasn't her? I mean, we can only guess what she would say then. You don't want to become a target for her. :)on't nibble on possible bait.  

[Diana82]

true... I fear asking her will result in a crazy lash out again. She'll most likely scream at me via text saying something like "why would I be doing that? are you labelling me a STALKER now? so first you call me bipolar and a junkie, then say I'm crazy, then send me an awful message and now accuse me of stalking"

I can just picture it

[Diana82]

I think I'm an anxious person. So that's why the silence is deafening for me.

I think I would be happy if she at least acknowledged my message.

[Diana82]

How do you go about adjusting your tone when talking to a BPD?

I see this as a key challenge. Because I left my exUBPD a voice message (it was a bit noisy as I was at a restaurant) saying "Hey, just wanted to say I am sorry if I came across a bit direct when asking why you avoided me. I had no intention of upsetting you. And also wanted to clear up... I never called you a bipolar junkie. I don't go around saying these things to anyone. Anyway, hope you're well and have a good week... "

... she told me "thank you for the apology. I'll ignore the tone"

and I said what do you mean?  and she said "Your tone is the hardest thing I need to protect myself from. You work in the corporate world and I spend my day teaching small children. You come across very abrupt and business like. Your words and tone actually make me feel terrible. I don't need this".


I'm actually quite a shy and softly spoken person... so this was a huge surprise to hear this. And the reference to working in the corporate world was odd...  

I don't think I can adjust my 'tone' to be any softer than it is!

[Suzn]

Diana after reading through just this thread, it sounds as though you have been and still are attempting to be perfect for this person. What do you think of your tone? Do you think it was kind? Was it just a normal tone? What do YOU think?

The key is to learn communication skills so you will be prepared for these types of conversations. SET

Support - I'm sorry you FEEL my tone is harsh.

Empathy - I can see how you would FEEL that way.

Truth. - I called to apologise, it's not my intent to be harsh.

Or something similar, in your own words. Just because she feels (feelings are not facts) that you are being harsh doesn't mean that's true. And you don't have to believe it's true. Why would you attempt to change something that's not true? Make sense?

[waverider]

I think I'm an anxious person. So that's why the silence is deafening for me.

I think I would be happy if she at least acknowledged my message.

Maybe you need to do more work on developing your own sense of independence here. Are you stagnating whilst waiting on someone who is unpredictable and out of your influence?

We all like our own messages validated/acknowledged. But pwBPD are not good at this, at least in a deep and meaningful way, so we have to work on not needing them to do so. Otherwise its never ending disappointment. Only we can change this.

Changing our interactions so that we are not let down, we are not disappointed, we are not hurt, is something we can and have to do

[Diana82]

Suzn>  I think I still love her... that's the only reason why I am not going to hell with all this!  :'(

What do I think of my tone? ... .I know my tone was normal and there was nothing harsh about it. The thing is, I was apologising for something I never said anyway! and clearing up something. Perferctly normal. I also told her I was calling to touch base as I hadn't seen or chatted to her for ages.

I did say sorry she feels this way... but I also told her that I think she sees the 'nastiness in words when it's not there".  This seemed to make her flip again.

[waverider]

I think most people who live with a pwBPD get picked up on perceived tone, sometimes they are right, and sometimes they get it wrong. You are not going to resolve that. It is ok to say they must have misinterpreted you. Then just leave it at that. if that triggers them, so be it. You can't fix all their triggers.

[Diana82]

I have been reading through several materials about how to deal with the silent treatment and splitting from a BPD.

A couple of people have said to carry on talking to them as if nothing is wrong and to also not necessarily expect a response.

With this in mind, I wanted to send her a Christmas message.     Do you think this is a good idea?  If she hasn't responded by around Christmas, that would have been a month of silence... the longest she has gone quiet on me.

Before she sent me that article and I got mad at her, we had mutually agreed to "let things be for a while" which was vague anyway.

So I'm thinking a pleasant Christmas message to her would be nice. But, I don't have her on Facebook anymore and she isn't responding to texts. Do you think dropping a car into her letterbox is full on?  and she may think I AM the stalker?