communicating boundrys without feeling bad?

[qwaszx]

I seem to have this problem communicating my needs, boundaries and wants.

I rarely say "no" to anyone... if I get asked to pick up extra hours at work that I really don't need, want or have energy for I will almost always still say yes. 

If its in a friendship or personal relationship, and im asked to pick someone thing up or go somewhere that's really not my cup of tea or something that would bore me, I'd most likely still do it... even if I say no...

I don't really date because it take me a long time to trust them completely... im not someone who would be a one night stand or "some girl I hooked up with the other night"... i'm really the type who would put everything I have into a relationship, granted they are willing to do there part... no more one sided relationships thanks:) I want someone whos is planning to be around for a while... .but I avioid dating because I don't want to have that convo and tell him I'm worth more then a sack of poo... and I wont be an object... i just want to be able to say, ""hey this is where I am right now, and I need you to either walk, or respect that."... saying no, makes me feel guilty, silly, and ashamed... .but I know acting on something on not ok with would make me feel objectified, worthless and weak... so normally I instead of confronting my fears, and talking like a normal human being, I would say that it isn't going to work and avoid being that vulnerable with anyone.

I also wont say no to my dad, who's an addict, who has really lost his way from the man I remember growing up... i don't want to be around him while she's self destructing, but I feel for him... all he asks is I keep in touch and visit when I go see my mom... but I don't always want to see him, and he doesn't remember anyway if I do or don't... so really what's the difference...  I wish I could talk with him but he can't see or hear me at this present moment. I try and avoid conflict...

how do I convince myself that its ok to do what I need to do, without feeling extremely guilty or ashamed for choosing myself over someone else... im not confident enough to risk relationships when I need to.



 

[livednlearned]

Hi qwaszx,

I think of my work on setting boundaries like I'm in physical rehab. It's like I have this limb I've never used, and it has to be rehabilitated. Like this example -- I'm dating a nice guy who is very publicly affectionate. I love the affection, but the public display makes me uncomfortable. It took me 6 MONTHS to muster up and tell him I didn't like it. Part of what made it so hard is that I kept putting myself down: "LnL, why are you making this such a big deal? Anyone else could do this in 10 seconds. Now you're taking so long it's weird."

So it was like I had this limb I never used, couldn't feel it, hadn't gotten help to use it, and then I was beating myself up for not being able to run a marathon. The tape in my head was making it all so much harder!

Take small steps. Try one thing this week -- maybe say "no" to something with no explanation. Just "no." And when you begin to chastise yourself for not doing more, or backsliding, hush that voice right up.

And with your dad. Setting boundaries with family is the hardest. It takes practice to get there, and if you start with family, then you set yourself up for lots of feelings of defeat. Work up to family by practicing on lower stakes, and get some confidence first.

Honestly, when I first starting setting boundaries, I just tried out saying, "No." On the small stuff. I would say it to co-workers, with no explanation about why I was saying "no" and then I did a victory lap 

The key is to not beat yourself up. Keep an eye out for the ogre voice. It makes this work so much harder.

[qwaszx]

sounds like a plan:) thank you

[heartandwhole]

qwaszx,

This is a great topic and something so many of us are working on.  Livednlearned has given some great tips.  I just want to add that for me, when I say no and the other person doesn't accept it, or punishes me for it, then that is not someone I want to hang out with.

It's scary to take that risk and find out how people will react.  But it also gives valuable information.   

[qwaszx]

ya that's true:)

[livednlearned]

For me, another reason I had to practice on the small stuff is to get used to the physiological reactions. Not sure if it's the same whether you had emotional or physical abuse in your FOO (or both), but wow, early on trying this stuff out seemed like it was so physiological. Trouble breathing, sweaty hands, pounding heart, dry mouth. Some of that still happens, but not as much. And not only that, but my boss and supervisor actually told me an in my annual review that I needed to be more assertive, and they were trying to help me. And I still brought what I call my basketcase 

[qwaszx]

Ya, I'm worst with people of authority... and my pwBPD... and dad I either get really worked up and panicky(sweaty palms and stuff) or I feel like I get to bold and come off as more aggressive, then assertive... mainly I think because i get so defensive and ready to fight. My old boss didn't pay me the first 2 months I worked for him, and it took me a 2 weeks to confront him, and after he didn't pay me the second time, I spent the whole day there waiting til they paid me in full, mind u the whole time waiting I was almost in tears and shaking because I was so upset... .wanting to just forget about the whole thing and walk away... .but I did get paid and it never happened there again...

[livednlearned]

Ya, I'm worst with people of authority... and my pwBPD... and dad I either get really worked up and panicky(sweaty palms and stuff) or I feel like I get to bold and come off as more aggressive, then assertive... mainly I think because i get so defensive and ready to fight. My old boss didn't pay me the first 2 months I worked for him, and it took me a 2 weeks to confront him, and after he didn't pay me the second time, I spent the whole day there waiting til they paid me in full, mind u the whole time waiting I was almost in tears and shaking because I was so upset... .wanting to just forget about the whole thing and walk away... .but I did get paid and it never happened there again...

I wonder if when you are feeling too bold and think you seem aggressive if others would perceive you this way. I felt like I had to scootch my entire perspective over a full notch, so that if I felt selfish, then that meant I was having boundaries. If I felt aggressive, that meant I was assertive.

For some reason, though, I am an ace at being assertive with customer service and total strangers    You should see me buy a car    Totally in my element 

[qwaszx]

I'm not sure, I think they would lot of the time... I guess it depends on my mood at the time, and situation... I'm not so good with strangers, normally I'd  just take the price given if I were buying a car, and feel bad if I asked for less then what they are trying to sell it for...