Long Distance Relationships with BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all, I was just wondering how long distance relationships with a nonBpd and a Bpd would most likely pan out? I could see pros and cons of it from their point of views... .I am just wondering because my ex of 3 months has been talking to some guy she met on facebook of all places and they live about 1000 miles away from each other. Maybe him being so far away allows her to not be so committed or intimate?

[magichat101]

Hi all, I was just wondering how long distance relationships with a nonBpd and a Bpd would most likely pan out? I could see pros and cons of it from their point of views... .I am just wondering because my ex of 3 months has been talking to some guy she met on facebook of all places and they live about 1000 miles away from each other. Maybe him being so far away allows her to not be so committed or intimate?

[Learning_curve74]

It's great for a lot of people BPD or not; they can stay in love with the fantasy image of the other person in the LDR. But real life has to intrude eventually. For a BPDer, it seems like their intimacy issues will eventually become a problem.

Are you worried that your ex is going to run off into the sunset happily ever after with this guy? If so, how likely do you really think it will last?

[Pretty Woman]

It will inevitably tank just like any other relationship. Yes, intimacy issues with pop up along with trust. Trust is a big one. They can be very accusatory with no proof to back it up. My ex left me for an ex five states away and ran back to me.

[magichat101]

Logically I don't think she is going to run off with this guy and live happily ever after but sometimes I just feel that way. Trust is something that is very important to her and she is so accusatory for no reason, completely out of left field. I think the hardest part is not that I am blind sighted or anything I'm just hurt that she was completely shut down while we were in a relationship and now everything seems to being going for her and she's doing things that I used to want to do with her that she would never do with me, thats just from what I hear though, who really knows. I am so grateful that I am out of it and I know I dodged a bullet but sometimes I do miss her and the fantasy of what I thought we had in the moment.

[Waifed]

This is how I caught the ex cheating. She met him while she was on vacation out of state. He was also on vacation. He is from UK and she is from USA. She had some of her WhatsApp conversations for a month and a half saved in her email. Graphic sex chat and I am sure some good video sex. I never realized what a slutty piece of trash she was until I saw that. It still angers me to think I tried to help this person. She is the lowest of life forms.

[Pretty Woman]

Magic,

  She is not really happy. They never are. That is the hardest thing to fathom because YOU remember happy times. It is so easy to remember good over bad. THAT is our problem m'dear.

She is going to put out there she is blissfully happy. She may be "content" at the moment but you know that changes minute to minute, second to second.

My ex told me she has NO good memories of our relationship. None.

We did some really fun things and I was really romantic in my gestures. They say this at the moment because at the moment they believe it.

You can never give someone what they want when they don't really know what they want in the first place.

Try not to read into anything. This is how we hurt ourselves. Just as unpredictable as our relationships are, so are what they project.

[fromheeltoheal]

Borderlines like long distance relationships.  Remember that when someone with the disorder attaches to someone they are creating one person with no boundary between in their heads; the sufferer is only half a person psychologically and needs another person to become whole, and then the dance begins between getting too close and feeling engulfed, pulling away, getting too far away and feeling abandoned, getting close again, the push/pull nature of the disorder.  The only contentment and peace for a borderline is on that precarious fence between abandonment and engulfment, short lived and constantly moving, all of which is just a replaying of the abandonment trauma and subsequent depression they never went through as tots, never became their own autonomous person, so on and on the waffling goes.

Anyway, maybe the clinical part helps, maybe not.  My point is a long distance relationship allows a borderline to stay close but not too close, and therefore feels somewhat comfortable, but is obviously based on fantasy.  My borderline ex communicated with me mostly by text, since she could carry her iPhone around all day and use it as a soothe machine by having continuous conversations by text with me.  She was the most loving, kind, thoughtful person that way, so of course I wanted more and expected to be with the same person physically but noo; the flesh and blood version was rude, mean, manipulative, condescending, disrespectful, rageful, insulting, you name it, a shock to me as you can probably relate, and because the real intimacy I was trying to create triggered her disorder, too close, yet I kept going back trying to 'fix' it and get back to that fantasy-based text relationship that never existed in the real world.  Silly me and my naivety died; live and learn.

Anyway, long distance relationships are hard for anyone, mostly because the relationship that gets built with technology is no substitute for spending time together physically, and if you go too far with the technological version, the physical one just doesn't measure up, although it could work, it just takes time, maybe impossible time to create.  But a borderline likes it; close but not too close.

[eclectic]

I was in a LDR with mine, and when I would go visit her it was great, she told me she liked what we were doing, because she enjoyed her space.  She did end out of the blue, but we never really fought, we would have some disagreements but never any fights, and small breakups, we had our one breakup, 7 months ago, no contact, and just this week, we have started speaking again

[almostmarried]

There is no "relationship" with a person with BPD.

Neither a "long-distance",neither a "short-distance".

[Pretty Woman]

Amen, Almost Married!

[Aw511]

There is no "relationship" with a person with BPD.

Neither a "long-distance",neither a "short-distance".

very sad and true.

[MrFox]

For 5 of the 18 months I was with my ex she was in her home state.  It happened in the middle of the relationship, she went back to help her sister through a difficult time.  We were in constant contact and built some very epic fantasy worlds during our conversations.  I think she enjoyed it for awhile.  The whole close but not too close.  After the 5th month she abruptly came back.  I think abandonment fears kicked in.  While I think it extended our "honeymoon" period a lot longer, in the end whether it's long distance or short distance, fears and triggers will eventually creep in and the border-lion will rear its head.

[DownandOut]

My r/s with my uBPDexgf didn't start long distance, but after dealing with her nonsense, I ultimately moved away from the city we were both living in and about 1 1/2 years later she reengaged me and we started a LDR. Everything was going so well in the beginning when she was making trips to see me; however, once I started returning to her home city everything changed. She totally flipped her BPD switch once I started getting closer with her family and friends. It was so strange. She was fine when she was in my circle (friends and family), but as soon as I entered hers, it was curtains. A LDR can work with someone if both are committed, unfortunately, BPD's are only committed for so long and then the illness takes over.

[Oliolioxenfree]

Mine was long distance (2 hours), the one before me was long distance (1 hour).  My BPDexbf wound up with someone who lived much closer who he now lives with.  When I suggested I move closer he balked at the idea, but then cried and whined about me not living close enough at other times. 

Don’t try to gauge whether or not the relationship will work out depending on factors like long distance or anything else.  The bottom line to remember is that if they haven’t done the work to help themselves heal and make inner change, it wont work out. Period. Ever.  Yeah it may take years and sometimes people stick around  with them who ignore red flags who may have their own codependency issues, but the common feature seems to be a string of failed relationships because they in fact rarely do the work.  And if it does who cares, consider yourself lucky to be free of someone who has abused you and treated you carelessly because you deserve better.  Its really easy to let your anxiety get the better of you and to feel like they will change for the next person and be this amazing partner , but think about the chances of that happening.  Youd have a better chance of winning 10 million dollars.

[damage control]

MIne was a LDR and he thrived on that.

He loved the time/s we had in person - I think because he always knew that we would go back to our respective states.

He talked long and often about moving to me but when I arrived here, and he had to deal with me as a real person who was here indefinitely he triggered bigtime.

[Perfidy]

What I have read... Out of sight out of mind. Poor object continuity. PwBPD see us not as living breathing thinking feeling beings but as objects for their use and amusement. I didn't make that up. I don't know. Part of the relationship from hell was long distance. That's when it ended. When I was no longer useful to the parasitic organism.