Subtle Digs

[Verbena]

I'm in a pretty good place with my DD28 right now.  BPD is still the driving force behind nearly everything she says and does.  She is needy, lies, constantly brags on herself, and must have her drama "fix" occasionally, but thankfully I'm not at the center of it anymore.  And I won't be.

This is the issue I'm struggling with.  DD makes subtle digs at me and/or references to the big scene this past year when I discussed her BPD behavior with her (now) former best friend.  It seems we are past all that because has "forgiven" me for my horrible behavior.  Years of her horrible behavior that prompted that whole mess has never been acknowledged.  In fact, she re-wrote history and said she was never diagnosed with BPD ten years ago. 

Anyway, she frequently mentions how she's "learned so much this year about how awful/jealous/backstabbing people really are." I am assuming she's referring to her friend who talked to me.  I am so sick of hearing this. 

The digs she takes at me are a little more subtle because she KNOWS I am completely done discussing that whole situation, but they are  digs just the same.  If I ever deliberately took a dig at her, she would get hysterical.   My question is this:  When she takes a dig at me and I completely ignore it, does she think I am agreeing with her?  Should I say something or just keep my mouth shut?  What is the best way to deal with the "jealous/backstabbing friends" refrain? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Rapt Reader]

Hey, Verbena... .Not sure exactly how this works with everyone (since everyone is different), but I've found that when I ignore what feels like a "dig" at me from my BPD loved ones, only positive things happen.

It seems that the act of my "not reacting" to the dig serves to just make the power it would have to tie me up into knots, kinda fizzle into thin air. My ignoring the dig doesn't in any way validate the idea of it at all; doesn't give the person any satisfaction or feeling of it being true to me. I've found that my power comes from letting it go; I haven't given the other person any power over me anymore. It's a very freeing, powerful feeling for me to not be affected or manipulated by someone else's "digs" or criticisms, or whatever. I'm now in control over how I feel, how I react, how I choose to dole out my emotions--not the BPD loved one in my life.

And then we all move on without a hitch. I've found a lot of peace in this... .I've radically accepted that certain people in my life need to say stupid little (or big) things that could hurt or anger me, and I've decided not to let them mess with my head or heart anymore. They have some sort of misconnection in their minds that doesn't let them see that they are hurting me, so I ignore the "dig" and move on. Most of the time they don't even do it on purpose, or realize that what they say is hurtful, so I'm not going to tangle myself up in it anymore. Life is much better this way for me... .

[Verbena]

Rapt Reader,

Thank you for your response.  I know this is sound advice, but there's a part of me that feels I should say something---like "I don't see myself that way" or "I'm sorry you feel that way about me."  I probably would have done that a year ago.  It's just so aggravating.  She told an outright lie to my sister the other day with me standing right there and knowing it was a lie. Or did she even realize she was lying?  I sometimes wonder.   I could have easily called her on it, but I didn't.  I don't know how she can ever be accountable if those of us who love her just let her say whatever she wants, whether it's a lie or a thinly-veiled insult. 

Considering all the chaos I have been through with DD, things are okay now and I am grateful for that.   I read the stories here and realize that I am in a pretty good place.  I am SLOWLY learning to relinquish the power she has had over me. 

[js friend]

Hi Verbena,

I know what you mean about wanting to reply but in my experience its better not to reply to the passive aggressive stuff. My dd19 used to post those kinds of comments on her F/B just waiting for someone to comment and ask  in ref to what she was talking about... .She just wanted the response and wasnt interested in explaining. From what I can remember most of the time she wouldnt even reply to anyones questions after she had got people talking... .she was just stoking the fire, and I think it is the same here that you dd is doing.

It seems like your dd is stuck in this cycle and I dont see what good it will do to rehash it again with her... .which is what she seems to want, and more than likely will happen. There is no harm validating what she is feeling of course, but I still think that her ultimate goal is to have a dig at someone and you will be that nearest someone, so I think going into this New Year it is better to bite your tongue and pretend that you havent heard it. At the end of the day we cant change our pwBPDs behaviour... .only our own.  You say you are in a good place right now, and you are now feeling the positive results in your own life. That all comes from coming to terms and using  Radically Acceptance of your dd's behaviour. Its so good to be informed and know what we are dealing with. Once we know that, we can bring change.

I had to accept with a heavy heart that my own dd tells lies,and she has also told lies with me right there, or kept up pretences. I found that by challenging her lies they  just got bigger and bigger, and more and more exaggerated, and then dd would lose control and  have a meltdown. Once I decided to let it go is when dd's behaviour seems to have changed. These days dd19 likes to prove that she is telling the truth which is a real turn around.These days I cant say that am bothered either way anymore whether she is telling the truth or if she isnt... .but it seems really important to dd that I believe that she is ... .and I really believe there has been a big improvement in this area.

So Verbena, from my own experience that less attention to your dd's snide comments the more likely the chance she will eventually be able to let  go of this stuff and move on.

Good Luck,

and Wishing you all the best for 2014!

 

[six]

Hi Verbena

in my experience ignoring my DS26's snide remarks never made them stop. rather, he would keep making the comments and upping the ante until he got a response out of me.  in fact, i think a lot of his life has been spent trying to get the response from me that he is looking for.  the trouble always was, that i never knew how to respond without getting dragged into the mud with him.

I learned from Reality a tactic which has worked well with him.  I ask him with genuine curiosity and without defensiveness what he means. it is often amazing what he comes up with and we are able to have a conversation without me judging, just listening and allowing him to share.  sometimes those mean comments are his pathetic way of trying to start a conversation with me, he just doesnt know how to do it.

maybe you could ask her, to share what she has learned about jealous backstabbing people, and how she would behave differently in the future, knowing what she now knows. perhaps you could share a story from your own life where someone was backstabbing and how much it hurt you (not her, of course)  listen to her without assuming that she is trying to hurt you.  try not to get your back up about the incident that happened and that cuased you so much pain.  see if she is trying to share something with you.

good luck!