DD seems to fool her therapists.

[peaceplease]

My dd told me that her counselors at rehab do not think that she has BPD.  I don't know where that came from.  I think that she mentioned that because she found a book in my room on BPD.   She said they told her that pwBPD have a very different view of the world.  And, my dd did not have those bizarre views of the world.

Also, told me that they told her that it was very inappropriate of me to tell her that she needs to be on medications.  Um, I told her that, after she was flipping out on me in Walmart.  I just hit my point, she kept yelling at me.  I told her to take a chill pill and walked away.  She claims that I tell her that all the time.  And, that is so not true at all! 

And, her counselor, tells her that he does not believe she is bipolar either.  He thinks that she just has anxiety disorder due to circumstances in her life.  No license, no job.  She can't keep a job!

Either, she has these therapists fooled, or she is lying to me. She told me they have phd and know way more  than I do.   I think that she is just looking for an excuse to get some benzos and not take her ssri.

I snooped on my dd'd email, and see that she has lied to several people about still working, and she just bought a house!  She is in section 8 housing. Also, she is kinda vulgar with some guys.  I don't think that she shares that with her counselors, her problem with pathological lying.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dauada]

Do we share a daughter?  My dd says she actually suffers from post traumatic stress disorder.

[Bracken]

PeacePlease

I know how that feels! So frustrating and unfair.

I sometimes think it's all just a game for my D - or at least for the "demon" that is her personality disorder. She has gone to all kinds of doctors and psychiatrists  - or if it's one of the crises we go to Psych Emerg - and recently she even went to (a very expensive) counsellor who is supposed to specialize in DBT. And what D does is: she puts on a marvellous performance. So even this last counsellor apparently told her: "I don't think you have BPD. You are just very traumatized and misunderstood." I that she is traumatized and misunderstood - but my family also knows that there is MUCH more to her story than that.

My H and I sometimes think that we should videotape D during one of her rages, or one of her extreme depressive attacks. But we can't bring ourselves to do that. I told her - as she went to see this new counsellor - "PLEASE be honest - let her know just how bad it gets " - but I don't think she ever does that with these folks who are supposed to be able to help her. Maybe she herself is not aware of just how bad it gets? Or she blanks out after an episode?

We have wasted so much time with mental health professionals who don't help at all. In fact - they have sometimes made things much worse.

[qcarolr]

My BPDDD27 has been more open with me this year during moments of vulnerability about her resistance to being open in therapy.

Trust is a really big one. Distrust of anyone in authority. Easily feels disrespected.

Strong need for privacy -- from place of shame? "I have my friends to share my personal stuff with. Why would I tell a stranger this stuff." Shame (I AM BAD) is a big part of BPD sense of self criteria.

Too much trigger without adequate support outside therapy session -- "I spend 45 minutes spilling my guts, then the T goes home to enjoy their family and I walk out wanting to kill myself" or "They are only here to get their paycheck. They do not care"

Denial that she has more than anxiety, depression, ADHD, learning disorder (non-verbal). She does take meds that do help with some of these symptoms. The BPD traits are still there though (8 of the 9 most times).

Belief that there were many incidents of trauma in her childhood - this is her truth. Others involved, family,school, friends... .often have a different reality.

She is adept at her self-protective behaviors - numbing her strong emotions, not feeling pain as much as others, flat emotions. This is 'public face'. In our home, and when breaking up with bf she rages out of control, feeling totally justified in this behavior at the time deep within her projection of her overwhelming emotions. She does have some awareness of these behaviors and walks away from situations that could turn ugly, when she is not too dysregulated. That was not the case most of this past year - big downward spiral.

Breaking up with bf/friend is the most dysregulating event in her life. Since age 15 there have been 9 "he's the ONE mom" guys. Lots of domestic violence incidents that she has always attributed to the other person. This year is the first time she seems to have some awareness of having a part in this. At least when she is in a more stable place.

I have been assertive in sharing my side of the story with T's. This has backfired sometimes in the past when she stops going to that T. I usually leave a voice message. This year she has invited me to join her at least for the intake process in her outpatient programs (she started and bailed out on 3 of them; current one is court ordered for harassment convictions re: exbf). The T's don't seem to get what she needs, even with my input and copies of her psych and neuropsych evals. At least she seems to be connected to the nurse that supervises her meds and daily checkin and her probation officer. They have validated her issues with the T.

Bottom line - it is really up to DD for therapy to help be more functional in her life. That is her goal - to live more independently, have a job, car, stable place to live. She is pretty low-functioning. Maybe changes I have been making based on the resources here and in my own support network have created an environment for DD to respond in new ways to the challenges in her life. Cautiously hopeful she will at least show up for her T appointments. Showing up is a step forward.

qcr

[Esperança_Hope]

  I miss you! I read a few posts . i´m coming back slowly. love, Esperança!

[co.jo]

My DD informed me her therapist , who is supposed to be a bPD specialist, thinks she has PTSD from her childhood rather than BPD. I don't know whether he said that or not, but I don't think she'd lie about it. Since the age of 18 , and she is now 26, therapists have never spoken to me as she is an adult. so her truth is the only one they hear. Which bothered me, as it gave her an excuse to stay in victim role. I did email her therapist and informed him of my opinion, ( I am sure he loved that), because I didn't think that idea was helping her. It is difficult, but after reading Valerie Porr I realize that in true BPD treatment , the therapist would be aware that what really happened in the past is irrelevant to treatment. So important to find the right treatment, and specialists don't seem to be very common.

[peaceplease]

Esperanc - So great to hear from you again!

co.jo - It is difficult to know what to believe,, huh?  Are they lying to us, or are the therapists truly fooled.  One thing that makes me chuckle is that she will let me know that her case manager agrees with her on this or that.  Again, she is hearing my dd's distorted version.  And, the case worker has crossed so many professional boundaries in my book.  She is more of a friend to my dd.  I even know way to much about this case worker.  She shares way TMI with my dd.

qcr - You are so right is that that the bottom line is for her to be more functional in her life.  And, my dd is  on the low functioning end as well. Due to her criminal record, she is limited to jobs.  Actually, the only jobs for her would be serving, and she already has hit most of the decent restaurants.  Until she gets a license, she is not going to find a job that will let her support self.

I wish that I could get a chance to talk to her therapist. I could just imagine what my dd tells her therapist. But, the bottom line is that she is an adult now.  Even if what she says is true, and it is not, it m ay be to her.

BUT, She is 29 now and has the power to change everything!

[qcarolr]

Another thought. PTSD does fit my DD, and perhaps yours, view of themselves. It is a much 'safer' view than accepting or being defined by a personality disorder. If this T is good, the broader story of your D's life will come out. This sadness for me is DD usually stops going when the bigger picture starts to emerge in therapy.

I will pray that this is a little step toward healing for you D. It is a slow, often tortuous process for us all. My work is to practice mindfulness - living in the present moment without judgement. And allowing my DD to find her way, hoping for positive peers in her life.

qcr