I knew this was coming...

[Depression = 72% of members]

So... .My mom has been "nice mommy" for a few months. Well she has lost a lot in the past few months. Her husband left her, she had to put her dog down and she can barely support herself (although she doesn't have a job.)

I have been spending time with her every so often because she has been on good behavior.

But today she called me. She was crying and very upset. It started out with her upset that I didn't call her back about plans for Christmas. She went on to say that she feels like I treat her like an afterthought. That I don't care about her. She also brought up stuff from the past. (Me moving out and not even telling her) Then she flipped and told me that she loves me and is very proud of me... .

She told me that she wants to sit down and talk to me about why her and I aren't that close anymore.

I just shut down. I barely said a word. This kind of stuff makes me not want to even be around her. And it's not like I didn't see it coming. She had been on good behavior far too long... .

[pink_heart44]

So... .My mom has been "nice mommy" for a few months. Well she has lost a lot in the past few months. Her husband left her, she had to put her dog down and she can barely support herself (although she doesn't have a job.)

I have been spending time with her every so often because she has been on good behavior.

But today she called me. She was crying and very upset. It started out with her upset that I didn't call her back about plans for Christmas. She went on to say that she feels like I treat her like an afterthought. That I don't care about her. She also brought up stuff from the past. (Me moving out and not even telling her) Then she flipped and told me that she loves me and is very proud of me... .

She told me that she wants to sit down and talk to me about why her and I aren't that close anymore.

I just shut down. I barely said a word. This kind of stuff makes me not want to even be around her. And it's not like I didn't see it coming. She had been on good behavior far too long... .

[Clearmind]

pink, try not to let these rants get to the stage where you are feeling resentful. If Mum is going on a simple "Mum, I'm sorry you are upset however….". She is using you to self soothe when she needs to do this herself.

As far as talking it out with her as to why you are not close - what do you think about that? Do you need to do that for you?

[GeekyGirl]

That does sound frustrating, pink_heart44. No one likes being on the receiving end of a rant. That said, it also sounds like your mother has gone through some very difficult things in the last few months. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but I think it's very unlikely that your actions brought on the intense feelings you described.

Clearmind has a good point here. If you feel that you're stressed or frustrated, it's a good idea to stop the conversation and continue it at a time when you're ready.

[mysoulishome]

Really difficult in that situation. Your heart sees a person, like you, who is hurting and struggling. Then the BPD part of them lashes out at you and hurts you. What can you do? Push them away, feel guilty. Pull them close, be injured.

The advice I always get is to think out the worse case scenario. She pushes too far, you end the conversation. I'm sorry, I can't continue this conversation now. Or call the police if she is at your home and scaring you.

Yeah... .it sounds good in concept but I get there and just like you, I would freeze up. I'm not strong enough to do that.

Kudos to you for being there for her, it isn't easy.

It definitely seems like the abuser will ALWAYS come back. Are they planning it or is it out of their control, somehow?

Hugs to you.

[kindsoul]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this behavior. I know it too well and am actually thinking that my uBPDsister will likely have a blow-up at our Christmas get together this weekend. I chose to spend the actual Christmas Day with my in-laws and made plans with my family (uBPDsister, brother, aunt and their families) for tomorrow (Sunday). I made a special point to post on my brother and sister's facebook wall a Merry Christmas greeting. My uBPDsister saw the post on my brothers wall but didn't see hers or look at hers before lashing out at me publicly on my brother's wall... ."what am I chopped liver... ." I felt my heart start pounding immediately... .I took a few deep breaths and calmly responded, "Um, I believe I posted on your wall too uBPDsister". ... .A few minutes later after she checked her own message she sent me an inbox... .backpeddalling saying... .I hope you didn't think I was serious... just kidding... .I wrote back. " I did think you were serious, but OK"... .

Not looking forward to our get together on Sunday, knowing she is already tweaked from our last couple of interactions. Very very difficult to stay calm and supportive in these situations when you just want to run away. I hope you can find the tools and strength to deal with her in a way that will preserve your inner peace. I hope I can too!