Between a rock and a hard place

[empath]

I knew it was coming... .

I've been working a seasonal part time job this month -- at dh's insistence. Anyway, he is stressed about achieving a certain monetary point in a month or so. So, he was pushing me to work as much as I could. So, I did. The problem came in when we weren't able to do any Christmas shopping until a few days before Christmas, and I hadn't been home as much as I usually am.

We had been shopping for a couple of hours after our other duties were done, but we hadn't found anything for our son, yet. So, since he has a bit more flexibility in his job and hours, he was to get the items for our son and my gift the following day. I knew that I was going to have an extremely busy day at work and probably wasn't going to be able to do it after finishing my work because I was going to be working late.

Well, he sent me a text at work that he hadn't done the shopping for our son. So, I was going to have to do it after I finished work which I wasn't expecting and wasn't physically able to do. I tried to find an alternative but was unsuccessful. I was left with the responsibility for this gift and no time to do it. Ultimately, I was late for my other commitments because of this decision. Things got a bit messed up because of these choices that he made, and there were public consequences.

We had an argument on Christmas Eve because he claimed that I wasn't 'around' to talk to about things. This is really untrue; I had been around and available to discuss. I just wasn't around as much because he wanted me to be working. I asked a couple of questions of him which he took as 'criticizing' him -- which led to a huge blow up. This time I was able to de-escalate it to where things were calmer. I was still upset because he was to do a couple of things, but he decided to leave them for me to do. Honestly, it felt like a 'punishment' of some kind; he probably wouldn't admit that though.

Oh, the gift that he got me was something that we had seen when we were shopping. He said that he was trying to notice what I 'responded to', but the response that I had to this item was a negative response (and the sales person knew it was a negative response... .). Unfortunately, he really wants to give 'good' gifts and gets a bit sensitive about it.   

No questions, just venting. Christmas is just crazy-making.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

No questions, just venting. Christmas is just crazy-making.

Isn't it just.

The solution we have come up with is to go on xmas vacation by ourselves for a week upto xmas including xmas day and return boxing day, so we dont have any dramas around family gatherings and last minute presents etc...

[empath]

Family gatherings aren't in the mix for us. Just work/church responsibilities and home responsibilities.

One of the things that keeps coming up in our interactions (sometimes the heated things he will say, sometimes, more controlled) is that he doesn't trust himself to refrain from ending our marriage. It happened again on Christmas Eve in his reaction to my not being there to receive his gift when he arrived home. This time it was spoken in anger and frustration as he was leaving the room.

[an0ught]

Hi empath,

One of the things that keeps coming up in our interactions (sometimes the heated things he will say, sometimes, more controlled) is that he doesn't trust himself to refrain from ending our marriage. It happened again on Christmas Eve in his reaction to my not being there to receive his gift when he arrived home. This time it was spoken in anger and frustration as he was leaving the room.

your relationship seems to be in a bit of crisis (like plenty here on this board). Are you signaling to him that you know and understand or are you when facing problems simply trying to make things better? What was your reaction towards him to his behavior?

[empath]

My reaction was to let him leave, since he chose to leave. I don't usually try to fix things or make them better. Usually, I acknowledge his emotions and the difficulties they can pose for him. If an accommodation can be made that doesn't violate a boundary/responsibility/need of mine or others, I will make a reasonable accommodation.

It isn't terribly frequently that he brings it up, but it is often enough (maybe 3 times in 6 months). Of course, he knows that there are some possibly serious consequences if he makes that choice. It doesn't get much of a reaction from me other than recognition of the intense emotions.

He felt somewhat better by Christmas morning.