I hate

[MrFox]

Writing has always been a cathartic experience for me.  I rarely share my writings with others but I feel the need to share tonight.  It has been a rough two days.  I have learned that my exBPDgf (we have been separated 4 months now) is moving to a new town with her new husband.  Writing that sentence feels like punching myself in the stomach.  This was followed by a confrontation with my BPDmother.  So I wrote this and I am sharing with all of you, because maybe some of you can relate.

I Hate

I hate Borderline Personality Disorder.  I do not hate the people who have it, as much as I wish to some time.  I want to hate them for the things they have done to me.  I want to hate them for the things that they haven't done that they should have.  I want to hate them for what they have said to me and about me.  I want to hate them for the things they haven't said to me or about me.  I don't hate them though, the truth is I love them.  And, sometimes I want to hate them for that as well.

No, I don't hate them.  I hate their disorder.  I hate that monster that lives inside them.  I hate it because it is a thief.  It stole my childhood from me.  It stole the loving, caring mother I was suppose to have.  It stole the nurturing I was suppose to receive.  In the process it stole my self-esteem, my independence, my mental health.  It took those things from me so that it could continue to feed on me.

That wasn't enough though.  My childhood wasn't enough of a sacrifice for the Gods of the Borderlands.  They are greedy and they are hungry.  They demand more, always.  They want it all.  They want you broken, they want you weak, they want you shattered and pliable.  They demand sacrifice and slavery to them.

I thought I had escaped, finally broken away from their grasping hands and gaping maws, and for a moment, I had.  Only for a moment.  They found me again.  They drew me in with pretty words, shining emerald eyes surrounded by dark lashes.  Soft lips, a side softly bitten with sultry indications.  Flawless skin that felt like silk under my hands.  She was everything I had ever wanted in a woman.  She was gentle, she was kind, she was loving.  Wasn't she?

They used that want, that need for connection to tear down the fragile boundaries I had built since escaping them.  The boundaries held for a moment but in the end they weren't strong enough.  They collapsed under the weight of desire.  My desire, her desire.  My neediness, her neediness.  They crumbled.  We kissed.  The gods rejoiced.

She is gone now and I don't know if she ever existed.  Did this dream woman ever truly exist outside of my own mind?  Was she just a construct of dark gods used simply to break me again, to punish me for leaving them?  Just a drug that I drank in some corrupt ritual?

If she did exist, she is gone now.  The monster inside her, the deceiver, the thief, the minion of those Gods of the Borderlands, is awake and in control.  The pretty words are gone and have been replaced with venom.  Those beautiful, emerald eyes no longer sparkle.  They have grown cold and soulless.  Those soft lips that once kissed me with so much passion are now curled into a sneer of hatred.  That silk skin has become a thick hide to protect and repulse. 

What do I do now?  Do I accept my fate?  Do I accept that they have finally broken my spirit?  I want to sometimes.  I want to give up.  I want to just accept that they have taken everything from me, leaving only a shell.  I want to sometimes.  Don't you?

Then I get angry.  I get angry that they took my mother from me.  I get angry that they took my emerald eyes from me.  I use that anger as nurishment.  I am slowly struggling to my feet in defiance of those gods in the darkness.  I will rebuild my walls, stronger, taller.  I will clean the wounds they inflicted on me so that they may heal this time.  I will because to not means death and I will not die on their altar.

 

[arn131arn]

WOW!

Fox that was great.  I could really relate to the fear underlying all that anger and hate.  My ex is seeing someone too.  I don't know that they are engaged or married; but I know they are moving pretty fast.  I am angry about it; but I keep telling myself that one day it's going to be better.  That God has a reason for all this. 

I keep one foot in front of the other.  I allow myself to feel the pain.  The anger. The sadness.  And I know somehow I am right where I need to be.

Any growth comes from pain... . we are growing, evolving, and will become something better, buddy.

Stay strong, and keep writing, I'll keep reading.

Arn

[MrFox]

Thank you, Arn.  I appreciate that a lot.  I agree, through this pain I will be a better person.  All of us that are willing to get back up, keep fighting, looking at and healing our own wounds, and refusing to to just accept that we are broken will be better in the end.

[RecycledNoMore]

Dear Mr Fox

I have spent 40 mins trying to figure out what to say

Truth is, you said it all

All the pointy little shards of thought that slice through my mind CONSTANTLY

It seems you know them too

Im really greatful you decided to share that with us,

It was beautiful

[bpdspell]

This made me tear up.

When we share our humanity with others we connect in a meaningful and impactful way.

I too have a mentally ill emotionally stunted mother and it hurts like hell that I will never have that "normalcy" and healthy mother relationship that I have desperately craved my entire life.

But everyday I pray to be bigger than the pain that my mother and my BPD exbf have caused me.  They are damaged broken people who are a part of a continuing cycle in the world of emotionally unhealthy people.  And emotionally unhealthy people will always exists. Our exs and our parents were defenseless children at one point and time who adapted and inherited painful ways of relating to the world and there's nothing we can do about it. The blueprint and the mold was set early on. They lack the capacity to recognize the humanity in others and this is what makes them very sick people. Understanding this for myself helps me to accept and forgive. I even have deep compassion. It's also empowers me to not engage in this toxic inheritance.

We are worthy of love that is bigger than the crumbs that our exs have to offer due to their emotional disability.  I see the way my mother and my ex suffers so their inner ugly does not go unpunished. Untreated BPD's do not live a happy existence. They are deeply unhappy.

Gods love and self-love has worked miracles in my life and I wish others on here the same.

Spell

[heartandwhole]

MrFox,

Beautifully expressed, thank you for sharing.  The desire to give up and the desire to fight back are so understandable.  I've been there, too.

I believe that these painful lessons break the armor of our false selves, so that our true selves can shine even more brightly afterward. 

Keep up the great work, and keep inspiring us. 

[Perfidy]

Pour it out mrfox. That is really good stuff! It's all there. Love, hate, obsession, emptiness, hope, strength, weakness, the natural and supernatural. I can respect this.

[DownandOut]

I love it Mr. Fox. I feel your pain and anguish and I struggle as you struggle. It is so easy to become jaded when experiencing a life of BPD as you and I and others on here have. But we grow stronger together. Thanks for that.

[MrFox]

Thank you all for the kind feedback.  I was a little (a lot) apprehensive about posting this, but reading your kind words makes me glad that I did.  Again, thank you so much.  I wish I had something better to say than just thank you, but I'm a bit overwhelmed (in a good way) at the moment.

[Ironmanrises]

Epic writing. You described the Janus-faced entity.

[seeking balance]

Thank you all for the kind feedback.  I was a little (a lot) apprehensive about posting this, but reading your kind words makes me glad that I did.  Again, thank you so much.  I wish I had something better to say than just thank you, but I'm a bit overwhelmed (in a good way) at the moment.

Vulnerability at it's finest will create a connection deeper and help heal more than almost anything.

Courage for sharing

Courage for feeling

Courage for acceptance & forgiveness - you are quite courageous Mr. Fox!

Thank you,

SB

[still_smiling_just]

That was beautifully written. I only wish that I could articulate what happened so well. 

You're writing brought a tear to my eye. Thank you for sharing.

[MrFox]

Sometimes writing is the only way I can even begin to make sense of all of this.  Like if I don't get it out of me I will go mad. 

I'm really glad that people are connecting with it.  I was worried that it would just come off as whining.

[imstronghere2]

Sometimes writing is the only way I can even begin to make sense of all of this.  Like if I don't get it out of me I will go mad. 

I'm really glad that people are connecting with it.  I was worried that it would just come off as whining.

Not in the slightest.  Thanks SO MUCH for writing that and posting it.  I can personally relate to everything you wrote.  I spent 40 of my 52 years with BPD women.  My mother was the queen/witch and my exwBPD was the hermit/waif.   I fell in the trap of marrying one because it was so familiar.  No empathy, no compassion and no remorse is what I am comfortable with.  I was trained to live that way.  I briefly dated a woman after my divorce who was normal and full of all of those things for me and I couldn't handle it.

I believe I am "institutionalized" to be honest.  I've spoken with my therapist about this several times and this isn't as unusual as it may seem, considering our upbringing. 

I certainly hope this is not the case for you.  I'm guessing that there aren't many of us here that have spent the majority of our lives with someone with BPD, thankfully.  I wouldn't wish that on anyone and your posting spells it out perfectly.

Thank you.

[MrFox]

Thank you for reading it.

I believe that my mother has set me up perfectly to attach to women with BPD.  I have dated two women who were actually diagnosed with BPD and if I look at the others, most are probably udBPD or have strong BPD traits.  I have only dated one woman I can think of that didn't, and I ended that relationship to be with my latest exBPDgf. 

Fortunately, I have found sites like this one, have gotten into therapy, and am working on the wounds in my psyche that attract me to this type of relationship. 

[Monarch Butterfly]

Mr Fox,

   Wow... . This is very deep. I feel the same way... . I love my uBPDh but have realized that I have to leave him if I am ever to have a decent life. Telling him I want out hurts and it hurts more to stay. Everything hurts, everything. Your words expressed that so well.

When you wrote "I will rebuild my walls, stronger, taller.  I will clean the wounds they inflicted on me so that they may heal this time". it hit home.   This is what I am trying to do now, so that when I pack my bags I will have a chance of a decent future: a happier and healthier future.

Please keep sharing your words. They make me feel understood and not so alone.

[MrFox]

Thank you for the kind words, Monarch.

I'm sorry to ear what you are going through.  I applaud your courage to seek out a better life for yourself.  It is not easy.  So many of us here are caregivers and nurturers at heart and I think it is very hard for us to say enough is enough and that our needs deserve to be met as well.

[janey62]

Hi Mr Fox,

I feel the need to add my voice to the praise for your writing... .

It means a lot to me to have found all these people that I can relate to and here you've put into words what I've felt for most of my life.

This week has been a rollercoaster for me actually.  Having found this site and read and posted I now realise that as well as being in a relationship with an uBPD man, that my mother was uBPD and that her suicide a 49 was brought on by her condition and not, as I sometimes believed, my abandoning her when she was in a crisis.  I also realise that my little brother who committed suicide aged 26 was the victim of an uBPDgf who killer herself 3 days before him.  It all suddenly makes sense!

Ive got a lot of very raw feelings about this, and today is the anniversary of my mother's death 23 years ago.  It's a lot to take in but also explains so much to me and makes me determined not to be a victim any more.  I intend to keep fighting to my last breath,  I hope we can all inspire each other to do the same... .

The universe has also sent relatively 'normal' people into my life and I've ignored them in favour of someone who will inflict pain.  I hope it continues and that I can be more open to being actually loved in the future!

Jane

[SeekingAdviceinCa]

Awesome.  Awesome.  Well said.  You spoke for me, and I think a lot of us here.  Thank you for sharing.  God bless you and good luck in healing.  Life will get better.  We have to pick up the pieces and build something new.

[MrFox]

Thank you very much.  I'm honestly pretty surprised how people have received it

[toomanytears]

My therapist pointed out that the three men in my life - my father (suicide) my brother (jealousy) and my husband (left after 31 years) - have all abandoned me. But I don't feel abandoned becuase I have so many great friends, a lovely mum and two amazing children. I really am blessed.

This BPD is awful - it does run in families - bouncing this way and that. Hatred this way and that. I can forgive my dad and my husband. They had crap lives and crap mothers. Don't know where my brother is coming from (our mum was/is ace) but perhaps he was jealous of my dad's love of me.

I just hope my two kids have escaped.

Thanks MrFox - great to hear your insights. It helps to know others share the pain. We will get better because we are lucky enough to have a cup half full, not half empty.