I am my own worst enemy

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Due to my lack of conviction and hoping things will miraculously get better I seem to to be putting my life and my ex's life in limbo. It's scary to me to have someone I have known for so long no longer in my life but it is also too scary for me to go back. He has pushed my parents away to the point they no longer want to see him again but doesn't care that won't make me happy in the long term. I reply to his texts hoping to get through and I feel I am for awhile then I get a text saying he wants to ask me a question. He says you know when u have a baby so you want your mum around as soon as you come home as that is meant to be bonding time between parents and child! Who thinks of this stuff? Is this still an attempt to control the situation and isolate my mum? What is his obsession with my mum and interfering? What about what I want? This is never going to get better is it?

[loz1982]

Due to my lack of conviction and hoping things will miraculously get better I seem to to be putting my life and my ex's life in limbo. It's scary to me to have someone I have known for so long no longer in my life but it is also too scary for me to go back. He has pushed my parents away to the point they no longer want to see him again but doesn't care that won't make me happy in the long term. I reply to his texts hoping to get through and I feel I am for awhile then I get a text saying he wants to ask me a question. He says you know when u have a baby so you want your mum around as soon as you come home as that is meant to be bonding time between parents and child! Who thinks of this stuff? Is this still an attempt to control the situation and isolate my mum? What is his obsession with my mum and interfering? What about what I want? This is never going to get better is it?

[santa]

No, it will never get better.

Your mum is a threat to him because she keeps you from being isolated. You aren't as easy to control when your mum is around. Don't let yourself become a prisoner.

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree with Santa; it's about control. Reactionary mind you, if a borderline can control someone, it makes the fact they can't control themselves a little more tolerable. Any outside interference is a threat to that. Its all about him, it has to be, there's too much going on between his ears to focus on anything else.

[loz1982]

I do think it's an element of control too I mean I had said that I would like my mum to be around ages ago it's like he has obsessed about it ever since! So they always analyse everything that is said and make them negative all the time? I guess that is what it means by walking on eggshells! Do they consciously try to isolate you?

[loz1982]

I now feel strong enough to say it is over for good and strong enough to ignore any messages if they come my way again. I spoke to my ex on the phone as I have mentioned and when he said you will come back and we can work it out, I hesitated and said I don't trust or have faith in you any more, actions speak louder than words and I am not seeing anything from you. Well he went silent on me and said he wont contact me for awhile feel free too if I want too. I couldn't resist at New Years so say Happy New Years I got a response back the next morning but he couldn't help himself with a text saying he is starting afresh hoping this year will be better than the last and be a lot happier one. Then further saying how he won't contact me again. I was thinking its your fault the  year was so bad and we are broken up but I said I would respect his wishes and I was sick of the roller coaster he was putting me on even when we are not together. I said if you got help and apologised to my parents that would got a long way in restoring my faith. Well that set him off I got texts all night till midnight accusing me of thinking he was using me (I worked on his farm for a year without being paid), that I am easily lead by others opinions, he is not fully to blame for what happened and being derogatory about my parents. He said I didn't sign up to have my in laws stay in the house (my parents live interstate). I know I shouldn't respond but he made me so angry as I never felt used by him, course I was worried when he made me insecure in our relationship about not earning money, of course my parents were worried for me, he even said my dad had said to him he was using me. When I questioned him he was like yeah he did in a roundabout way! What a trouble maker when I said he seems to find anything my dad says negative he blames me for calling him a liar. The texts ended with him saying I can't stand your parents they are miserable interfering in laws that is my problem then takes me off Facebook blocks me as well and says don't contact him again. I think I am finally free of him forever, wont hear from him again which I guess is a relief but also very sad and he feels like a stranger and I do still care about him. I thought he was going to be my husband and father of my children, how wrong was I

[heartandwhole]

loz,

I'm so sorry.  That is very painful, and I'm sorry things have ended up this way.    It is so painful to reach out to someone and then feel utterly rejected, I can definitely relate.

Loz, even if your partner wanted to change, it takes time and lots of work.  He has to be committed, and he has to want it for himself more than you do.  Have you seen any evidence of that?

I know it's hard to give up hope.  I think the best thing to do is focus 100% on you.  When you feel lonely and want to reach out, that is the best time to do something different.  Get quiet and ask yourself what you want, what you need from contact with him, and learn to give it to yourself.  It's not easy I know, but the only way out is through. 

[arn131arn]

loz,

I'm so sorry.  That is very painful, and I'm sorry things have ended up this way.    It is so painful to reach out to someone and then feel utterly rejected, I can definitely relate.

Loz, even if your partner wanted to change, it takes time and lots of work.  He has to be committed, and he has to want it for himself more than you do.  Have you seen any evidence of that?

I know it's hard to give up hope.  I think the best thing to do is focus 100% on you.  When you feel lonely and want to reach out, that is the best time to do something different.  Get quiet and ask yourself what you want, what you need from contact with him, and learn to give it to yourself.  It's not easy I know, but the only way out is through. 

And this one is officially printing also... .

Thanks, Heart.  I will try and do this, as well.  I long/fear a recycle, so when I get into ruminating about the good times, I am DEF going to try this excercise.

How do you give it to yourself?

[blueeyedjess]

loz,

I'm so sorry.  That is very painful, and I'm sorry things have ended up this way.    It is so painful to reach out to someone and then feel utterly rejected, I can definitely relate.

Loz, even if your partner wanted to change, it takes time and lots of work.  He has to be committed, and he has to want it for himself more than you do.  Have you seen any evidence of that?

I know it's hard to give up hope.  I think the best thing to do is focus 100% on you.  When you feel lonely and want to reach out, that is the best time to do something different.  Get quiet and ask yourself what you want, what you need from contact with him, and learn to give it to yourself.  It's not easy I know, but the only way out is through. 

And this one is officially printing also... .

Thanks, Heart.  I will try and do this, as well.  I long/fear a recycle, so when I get into ruminating about the good times, I am DEF going to try this excercise.

How do you give it to yourself?

and this is what I have trouble with- I know LOGICALLY- I can't want anything enough for my stbex- I know, LOGICALLY- he will regret, in the long run, what he put us both through ( I know I already regret what I contributed) I know that I cannot make him see anything or do anything that would improve our relationship, but EMOTIONALLY, I still want to. Being a caretaker is the crappiest "job description", ever. My inability to recognize when he is baiting me, when he is setting me up is driving me up a wall. I am getting better but my NEED to step in and fix it, fit the situation, heck, even fix him so it's all better, is an exercise in futility. I've had 2 therapists tell me that I have to focus on myself, but that is much harder than it looks. I have spent so long taking care of others (NPD mom, NPD 1st hubby, BPD 2nd hubby, kids, etc) that it is terribly difficult to look at myself and see that it is okay to take care of my wants and needs. I feel guilty about it. I feel really bad for having fun, for enjoying my own time and still living with my BPD right now makes it even worse! He makes the snide little noises or comments, all the while telling me he loves me or he tried to engage me in conversation, which quickly turns into him telling me just how bad or how wrong I am for treating him so badly. UGH! So confusing emotionally, while logically I know not being with him is the best thing I can do for myself, personally.

[loz1982]

No heart and whole I don't see any evidence of him wanting to get help at all, he said if I went back he would but that is too risky for me. Maybe he would once he had my support back but how do I know after everything he has put me through? I was always meeting his needs and wants why can't he at the very least do this for me? I am apparently his soul mate if it was me I would do everything possible to get him back. He did see a psychologist back in May that was to treat his anxiety and anger, had no idea bout BPD then wish I did but she just aided his behaviour by comments like I have a husband like you etc so maybe this has put him off good help. I have found a good psychologist who is very firm and blunt she would tell him how it is, have offered her details to him but he hasn't taken them. He says he is back on the Luvox to stay, he took himself off them but I don't think just tablets is the answer. What I want from phone calls with him is to admit what he has done especially to my parents apologise so we can move on. Instead he said he can't take full blame and I said what have my parents done to apologise for and he can't tell me!

I can also relate to you blueeyedjess, I know logically I can't help him, I left 4 months ago and yes he has admitted a lot but then you wait a week or say something he disagrees with and he starts ranting and raving going around in circles and putting blame on my parents. How can I trust him if he isn't consistent? I have told him all of this about BPD, that he is controlling, he hasn't met any of my needs, lacks empathy, is emotionally abusive which he seems to take on board and admits too but then his evil twins comes out and he says things like you tell your friends I'm controlling and I'm like you admit that! I can't win. I don't feel like there is anything more I can do or say to make him understand, everyone else can see it for what it is but him. I just want to be the one to fix him because I still love him and even that confuses me, how can I love someone who has treated me and my family so badly. Why am I not angry? I think they know how to pick people, I am always thinking of other people over myself and it is hard to just think about myself as I want others around me to be happy as well. He is always saying I need to be more assertive or opinionated but when I am especially if its something he doesn't want to hear, he doesn't like it. He wants me to more confident but does nothing to build my confidence just put me down which can be very confusing behaviour! He said I didn't spend quality time with him even though I worked 24/7 on the farm with him and caught up with girlfriends about once a month, I guess looking back that is an isolating tool?

[blueeyedjess]

I can also relate to you blueeyedjess, I know logically I can't help him, I left 4 months ago and yes he has admitted a lot but then you wait a week or say something he disagrees with and he starts ranting and raving going around in circles and putting blame on my parents. How can I trust him if he isn't consistent? I have told him all of this about BPD, that he is controlling, he hasn't met any of my needs, lacks empathy, is emotionally abusive which he seems to take on board and admits too but then his evil twins comes out and he says things like you tell your friends I'm controlling and I'm like you admit that! I can't win. I don't feel like there is anything more I can do or say to make him understand, everyone else can see it for what it is but him. I just want to be the one to fix him because I still love him and even that confuses me, how can I love someone who has treated me and my family so badly. Why am I not angry? I think they know how to pick people, I am always thinking of other people over myself and it is hard to just think about myself as I want others around me to be happy as well. He is always saying I need to be more assertive or opinionated but when I am especially if its something he doesn't want to hear, he doesn't like it. He wants me to more confident but does nothing to build my confidence just put me down which can be very confusing behaviour! He said I didn't spend quality time with him even though I worked 24/7 on the farm with him and caught up with girlfriends about once a month, I guess looking back that is an isolating tool?

I got that too- I ended up almost agoraphobic for a while there (my mom had it for many years when I was a kid so I have experience  ) and when I started losing weight and doing things for myself- he really started to go downhill with depression and constantly changing put downs/sabotaging. He actually took me out one night to piss and moan about how bad I was treating him and then told me since I lost so much weight I had a wrinkly butt that wasn't attractive anymore. He actually said this to me in public- on a date... . and then tried to tell me that he meant that he was concerned and not trying to hurt my feelings- yeah, okay...  

He'd told me for years that I needed to do thing for myself, and have my own life but then made it almost impossible by impulsively spending so I had to balance things out for him and the kids or work harder and had no time to do anything for myself. I was working full time and going to school full time, so what time would I have to do things for myself? He'd get upset with me if I spent too much time on school work because I wasn't spending time with him. He'd get upset if I wanted to do something by myself even if it was something simple. He'd get upset if I didn't include him in a decision in something I knew he'd never give me an answer on or even care about. Him being upset usually meant he'd stomp around and pout or shut himself off from all of us and be generally pissy so we'd avoid him, which obviously made it worse. He tells me all the time now I send him too many mixed messages and I'm always like WTH when it comes out of his mouth. Sigh...

[loz1982]

They are a constant contradiction hey you can't do anything right. We got engaged and my parents came to discuss a few things we had already booked the church, the reception, band and car so the important things! Mum wanted to help with the flowers which I thought he wouldn't be interested in but because I didn't speak to him first he was totally rude to my mum when she made a few suggestions and completely ruined the experience for her! She was never going to make any final decisions I just wanted her a part of our day! He even said he didn't care about the flowers, it was just all about not being in control. My dad said a church wedding is good as all you needed was to put some flowers on the pews and it's all set. My ex took offence as my dad had mentioned flowers not him!

I'm so sorry he said those things to you, you can say sorry for saying hurtful things but you never forget them it just chips away at your confidence maybe that is their aim so you rely fully on them. I cried for a week after he was rude to my parents for the last time, they wanted to give him another chance  but he didn't come through, anyway I don't eat when I'm stressed and he was worried and said eat up and it took him a week of the love of his life so devastated to decide to send my parents an email to apologise. He worries but doesn't comprehend he is the reason I'm so stressed. He even blamed the stress I was under that we didn't get pregnant which was prob right but doesn't get it's because of him. He always manages to turn it around on me! They are the ones that send the mixed messages guess that is called projection! Did you say you were still with him? I often wonder what would've happened if I stayed?

[loz1982]

So I got asked out on a date so I thought why not? Had a lovely night really nice normal guy who wants to see me again but I got in my car and my first reaction was to cry and miss my ex! What is wrong with me? How can I miss someone so much who didn't care about my feelings most of the time? Am I going to be like this with all guys in the future and just let completely nice guys pass me by?

[fromheeltoheal]

So I got asked out on a date so I thought why not? Had a lovely night really nice normal guy who wants to see me again but I got in my car and my first reaction was to cry and miss my ex! What is wrong with me? How can I miss someone so much who didn't care about my feelings most of the time? Am I going to be like this with all guys in the future and just let completely nice guys pass me by?

I say that's natural; if you had a relationship anything like mine, it was intense in all directions, extremely emotional, and now you went on one date with some guy.  It's natural to mourn the loss of any long term, highly emotional relationship, even if we were subjected to all the bullsht and it ended badly, just because there was so much emotional involvement.  Maybe you don't miss him as much as you miss the way you felt alive when you were in it?  I say give this new guy a chance, you have zero history with him, and it may turn into deep emotional involvement without the abuse, what a concept!

[Lol4fun]

Hey Heart I have a great book called how to break your addiction to someone. Not saying you or I have an addiction to our ex's but, I think one of the strategies in the book would probably be very helpful for all of us who are trying to detach and move on.  The book suggest that we write down all the bad/negative things that have happened in the relationship & what is currently happening that way when we get in those moments and want to reach out & make contact with the person we can instead pull out what we have written and remind ourselves of how they have made us feel we can see the truth and not get stuck in rumminating about only the good times and fooling ourselves.  I hope this helps!

[loz1982]

Why do you think they are more emotional relationships than the normal? I mean I don't have much to judge it on except for a couple of relationships about 8 years ago! Why can't I get angry with him and remember the bad times instead of missing him badly. I feel extremely guilty that things ended the way they did, a couple of weeks ago he was saying you are coming back to work things out and I hesitated and said it scares me as I haven't seen any actions from him and I have lost the faith. He got angry when I said I believe he should take full blame for the situation as he refuses too even though my parents aren't perfect they were never rude to him or interfering. He blocked me on Facebook and told me never to contact him again, this is the first time he has done this. It feels all so final and Im struggling with the silence. I feel like the guilty one, its driving me crazy! Im frustrated with the part that his real problem seems to be with my parents not us, I don't understand why he had to make it a big problem. We were happy till we got engaged, these problems would've existed before that if they were a problem

This guy is really nice, there doesn't seem the chemistry there but I don't know if I'm just not ready, scared and could develop feelings over time or he is just not right for me, I don't trust my judgement anymore! I feel destined to be single. Lolforfun I need to make lists again to remind myself I think. Yes I felt very alive from heeltoheal and content like I had finally found my place in life oddly considering all the stuff I was put through. Now I just feel adrift unsure which path to take in life starting with where to live

[heartandwhole]

Hi loz,

This is so frustrating, and I understand your feeling guilty and sad.  These kinds of relationships can just drag us through the wringer, until we get a handle on our own stuff.  It takes time, but we get there!  And I know you will, too.  Things really do get better. 

I'd like to caution you, loz, about thinking that the entire issue is your parents.  I'd venture to say that if they were totally out of the picture, there would something else standing in your way.  Such is the way of someone who is terrified of getting too close, and terrified of being too far.

As far as the new guy goes, I can totally understand that you don't trust your judgement right now.  I certainly didn't trust mine for quite a while.  Do you think it might be just a tad too early to start dating?  Sometimes it works fine, but other times it can be a distraction, a band-aid, and we never go deeper into what brought us into this situation in the first place.

What do you think?

[loz1982]

Yes heartandwhole I do agree I think it is too early to start dating and it isn't fair on the other person. Think I was just doing it to fill a void and not feel lonely. I also thought if I met someone I liked it would help me work out where I might want to live which is my next big decision.

Yes I think I do tend to put too much emphasis on my parents, like he does. Its just sometimes I feel, irrationally and badly, if they weren't around we would be happy. Its sad even to say that, but he just seems so fixated on them as a problem.

I know we are all not perfect but he is always saying to me that I need to work on myself as well I've got issues too just not the same. Im well aware my low esteem has helped this situation which in turn allowed him to overstep any boundaries I had or any values I thought were important. I let him cause I thought he would leave if I didn't! Like when he said speak to your parent about their involvement in your life or leave the farm, now I wouldn't even think about doing something like that, tell him where to go himself but back a year ago different story. Kinda a familiar pattern in all my relationships. I guess learning that is one positive coming out of this! At least though with my issue I never lost sight of us!

Struggling today though saying all of that, NC for a week and feel very lost!