U guys will love this. 2 emails from exwBPD - 1 YR in /and FINAL CONTACT(4yrs)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

(09/11/2009) - SPLIT WHITE

I just wanted to take the time to tell you how much I love and care about you. Sometimes I find that it's easier for me to write the way I feel opposed to saying it out loud. The email you sent me yesterday along with the part you wrote yourself really touched my heart. You are such a selfless human being and have so much compassion for people, their beliefs, well being, etc. You truly are a one of a kind person. It's as simple as that. You are honest, caring, loving, LOVEABLE, smart, handsome, funny, FUN, open-hearted, understanding all the things that make someone "one of a kind." I have not given you the respect that you deserve in the past and I feel terrible. I know your gonna tell me "dont feel bad for me, worry about yourself... . " BUT I myself have a caring heart and a conscience and I need to take responsibilities for my actions and the way I deal with things in life. I have never in my life been so in love with someone like I am with you ( I've definitley had some weird ways of showing it sometimes but I wouldnt tell you this if I didn't mean it with all my heart.) You and I definitley have something special, very special. Very real and genuine. I would do anything for you... . including controlling my anger issues because more than half the time you didnt deserve the way I spoke to you or handled the situation. It's time for me to grow up and get with the program because I have been given many opportunities to succeed and to be loved. I want nothing more than to have you be the last person I date and am intimate with. I want to be able to start a healthy life with you... . get married, have cute curly headed babies that we are so proud to call our own, get closer with eachothers families, and basically just enjoy life TOGETHER not seperate. It's time for me to start proving my love to you and making you feel the way you have always, from day one, made me feel. I thank MY god (or higher power, whatever you want to call it)  every day for putting you in my life. New Years eve 2009 will always be such a vivid memory to me. I tend to forget about certain instances pertaining to drinking and partying, etc. But that night I wont ever be able to forget. It's so weird because you see these movies, read these books about people falling in love and just knowing they were meant for eachother. I thought in the past I felt that way but after meeting you I know what love is now. And i'm so thankful that at 23 years old I had the opportunity to feel the way these authors and actors expressed that beautiful kind of emotion. I know I've told you this many times before but that night I met you and you walked outside and started on some tangent about how life is going to be great this year I knew immediately that I needed to get to know you. I felt it. I felt it so hard and I was right. You were right. We were right. I believe that one of these days we will be able to have a very happy life together... . I really do. Thank you for accepting me the way I am, good and bad. Thank you for being you. Actually I should thank good ol (Dad) and (Mom) for raising such a beautiful child. This has come straight from the heart and I hope it might bring some happiness and positive energy to your life. As much as your proud of me, I'm equally proud of you... . you are awesome. I LOVE YOU papa, monkey, curly head, my baby, ah geeze the list goes on and on haha!

(5/12/2013) - SPLIT BLACK

I am sorry for the things I have done to hurt you. It's time to move on. I understand love is a choice, and I choose not to love you. I don't have any feelings for you anymore. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it is the truth. I don't like the person I am when I'm with you. I feel like we bring out the worst in one another.

I am entitled to an opinion and this is it. I don't understand your logic behind things, it makes no sense to me. I am sorry that I have to be this blunt with you but you deserve to know how I really feel. I am sorry for the things I have done to you in the past. I am not perfect either, I make mistakes and I messed up and for that I am sorry. I hope you can accept my apology because it will be the last time I do it. I wont hurt you again because we will never get back together. I'm sure when things start picking up for you, you will find someone who is more your type because I am not. Jon I mean this with all my heart... . we don't belong together. I am not saying this to avoid intimacy... . that is how I really feel these days. I am happier without you as my partner. Our core values aren't the same. You can argue that as much as you'd like, you aren't going to change my mind. Nobody is wrong or right here- I am trying to express to you how I feel. Some of the things you say are absurd... . you drive me crazy and not in a good way. I don't like the way I feel when I talk to you. And I don't think you are genuine. I don't need to contact your therapist to find out who the real you is. My life will never be what you want it to be, and to be honest, I don't really care. This is my life and I will live it however I want whether you approve of it or not. I am not living my life for you. You can be a really nice person at times... . very charming and charismatic. And then out of nowhere you freak out. I cant take it. Like I said, you scare me these days. I sincerely hope you find the peace and serenity you have been looking for. I really do. I wish you health and happiness... . but I cant be a part of your life anymore. This relationship is toxic and has been since the day we met. Yes, I was a pain in the ass and I'm sorry I dragged you through all of that. I could apologize everyday for the next year and it still wouldn't be good enough for you. Even when I went to rehab and got sober and tried to turn my life around you still bhited and moaned and complained. Its just never good enough. I never felt good enough. I felt judged constantly. And I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like that. I could apologize to you everyday for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough for you. I hope one day you re-read the emails you write me because they blow my  please read               |ing mind. You're reality and my reality are two different things. So you go on living your life thinking you got it all figured out... . and see how things are going for you. Keep walking around telling everyone what a victim you are and trying to get sympathy from anyone who will listen. Start being a good friend, get a backbone where your wishbone is, and mind your business. You are pompous... . and just because you were "bullied" your whole life doesn't make it okay to act like a dick in your thirties. Grow up and get real with yourself. I didn't want to go there with you but you PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH people to their limit and then wonder why people are upset with you. Open your eyes. And you mentioned that I think there is a possibility for us down the road... . there absolutely is not. I don't know what would make you think that. And I cant believe you said my Sister had a crush on you. Haha. Oh and your friends want to  please read               | you too.? You are out of your mind.

[stoic83]

(09/11/2009) - SPLIT WHITE

I just wanted to take the time to tell you how much I love and care about you. Sometimes I find that it's easier for me to write the way I feel opposed to saying it out loud. The email you sent me yesterday along with the part you wrote yourself really touched my heart. You are such a selfless human being and have so much compassion for people, their beliefs, well being, etc. You truly are a one of a kind person. It's as simple as that. You are honest, caring, loving, LOVEABLE, smart, handsome, funny, FUN, open-hearted, understanding all the things that make someone "one of a kind." I have not given you the respect that you deserve in the past and I feel terrible. I know your gonna tell me "dont feel bad for me, worry about yourself... . " BUT I myself have a caring heart and a conscience and I need to take responsibilities for my actions and the way I deal with things in life. I have never in my life been so in love with someone like I am with you ( I've definitley had some weird ways of showing it sometimes but I wouldnt tell you this if I didn't mean it with all my heart.) You and I definitley have something special, very special. Very real and genuine. I would do anything for you... . including controlling my anger issues because more than half the time you didnt deserve the way I spoke to you or handled the situation. It's time for me to grow up and get with the program because I have been given many opportunities to succeed and to be loved. I want nothing more than to have you be the last person I date and am intimate with. I want to be able to start a healthy life with you... . get married, have cute curly headed babies that we are so proud to call our own, get closer with eachothers families, and basically just enjoy life TOGETHER not seperate. It's time for me to start proving my love to you and making you feel the way you have always, from day one, made me feel. I thank MY god (or higher power, whatever you want to call it)  every day for putting you in my life. New Years eve 2009 will always be such a vivid memory to me. I tend to forget about certain instances pertaining to drinking and partying, etc. But that night I wont ever be able to forget. It's so weird because you see these movies, read these books about people falling in love and just knowing they were meant for eachother. I thought in the past I felt that way but after meeting you I know what love is now. And i'm so thankful that at 23 years old I had the opportunity to feel the way these authors and actors expressed that beautiful kind of emotion. I know I've told you this many times before but that night I met you and you walked outside and started on some tangent about how life is going to be great this year I knew immediately that I needed to get to know you. I felt it. I felt it so hard and I was right. You were right. We were right. I believe that one of these days we will be able to have a very happy life together... . I really do. Thank you for accepting me the way I am, good and bad. Thank you for being you. Actually I should thank good ol (Dad) and (Mom) for raising such a beautiful child. This has come straight from the heart and I hope it might bring some happiness and positive energy to your life. As much as your proud of me, I'm equally proud of you... . you are awesome. I LOVE YOU papa, monkey, curly head, my baby, ah geeze the list goes on and on haha!

(5/12/2013) - SPLIT BLACK

I am sorry for the things I have done to hurt you. It's time to move on. I understand love is a choice, and I choose not to love you. I don't have any feelings for you anymore. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but it is the truth. I don't like the person I am when I'm with you. I feel like we bring out the worst in one another.

I am entitled to an opinion and this is it. I don't understand your logic behind things, it makes no sense to me. I am sorry that I have to be this blunt with you but you deserve to know how I really feel. I am sorry for the things I have done to you in the past. I am not perfect either, I make mistakes and I messed up and for that I am sorry. I hope you can accept my apology because it will be the last time I do it. I wont hurt you again because we will never get back together. I'm sure when things start picking up for you, you will find someone who is more your type because I am not. Jon I mean this with all my heart... . we don't belong together. I am not saying this to avoid intimacy... . that is how I really feel these days. I am happier without you as my partner. Our core values aren't the same. You can argue that as much as you'd like, you aren't going to change my mind. Nobody is wrong or right here- I am trying to express to you how I feel. Some of the things you say are absurd... . you drive me crazy and not in a good way. I don't like the way I feel when I talk to you. And I don't think you are genuine. I don't need to contact your therapist to find out who the real you is. My life will never be what you want it to be, and to be honest, I don't really care. This is my life and I will live it however I want whether you approve of it or not. I am not living my life for you. You can be a really nice person at times... . very charming and charismatic. And then out of nowhere you freak out. I cant take it. Like I said, you scare me these days. I sincerely hope you find the peace and serenity you have been looking for. I really do. I wish you health and happiness... . but I cant be a part of your life anymore. This relationship is toxic and has been since the day we met. Yes, I was a pain in the ass and I'm sorry I dragged you through all of that. I could apologize everyday for the next year and it still wouldn't be good enough for you. Even when I went to rehab and got sober and tried to turn my life around you still bhited and moaned and complained. Its just never good enough. I never felt good enough. I felt judged constantly. And I don't want to live the rest of my life feeling like that. I could apologize to you everyday for the rest of my life and it wouldn't be enough for you. I hope one day you re-read the emails you write me because they blow my  please read               |ing mind. You're reality and my reality are two different things. So you go on living your life thinking you got it all figured out... . and see how things are going for you. Keep walking around telling everyone what a victim you are and trying to get sympathy from anyone who will listen. Start being a good friend, get a backbone where your wishbone is, and mind your business. You are pompous... . and just because you were "bullied" your whole life doesn't make it okay to act like a dick in your thirties. Grow up and get real with yourself. I didn't want to go there with you but you PUSH AND PUSH AND PUSH people to their limit and then wonder why people are upset with you. Open your eyes. And you mentioned that I think there is a possibility for us down the road... . there absolutely is not. I don't know what would make you think that. And I cant believe you said my Sister had a crush on you. Haha. Oh and your friends want to  please read               | you too.? You are out of your mind.

[stoic83]

Man it felt so good to read the top email... . look at how she tricked me. It sounds so authentic and sincere. It had to have been, I suppose... . the bottom one is the last I have ever heard from her. I was in a bad place, but gosh she just ripped my heart out and denied having any feelings for me at all. I think this is an excellent example of the roller coaster. It's just an absolute shame that the email couldn't have been a blend between the two. That probably would have been more realistic. I guess each one is true in it's own way. You can see how thoughtful she can be, and that it is exactly what one would want to hear having been mistreated.

The bottom email just feels like death. Feels like she killed me... . I guess by that time, a lot of my self worth was based on her opinion of me and it felt like I was stabbed in the heart. I imagine this is how she felt during any perceived slights, because I lost it after that email... . sent her like 10 in return including the top email... . and then she blocked me and annhilated me from existence... . went completely NC. Never going to hear from her again this time... . for the best.

Im sure a lot of you can relate to this... . just brutal. Even one year afterwards, I am still just very hurt and afraid of new relationships. What an absolute soul draining experience.

Stoic

[irishmarmot]

Thank you very much for the laugh,  I'm at day 3 of NC and I really needed to hear that!

[irishmarmot]

I'm. sorry i didn't. mean to offend u in anyway, its just that your ex and my own have pretty much said thevsame things, and today was a tough day for me and when i sawcthe contrast of the two it became amusing to see such a difference.   I understand the craving for the first email but for me when i was painted white i knew deep down it wasnt real.  And when she painted me black that wasn't real either.   If i wasnt enmeshed with her i would have just rolled my eyes and walk  away.  It's not that easy when i fell underneath her spell.

[irishmarmot]

Thank you very much for the laugh,  I'm at day 3 of NC and I really needed to hear that!

[MrConfused]

I guess by that time, a lot of my self worth was based on her opinion of me and it felt like I was stabbed in the heart. I imagine this is how she felt during any perceived slights, because I lost it after that email... . sent her like 10 in return including the top email... . and then she blocked me and annhilated me from existence... . went completely NC. Never going to hear from her again this time... . for the best.

Ya & they use that against you. At the same time tho, we shouldn't allow ourselves to get that deep in the first place. I still to this day don't know why I let myself get so invested into her when I've never done that with any other girl. I can only guess that the push/pull dynamic really screws us up, I never felt so drained & I put my entire self worth on the line with her.

What about you?

Im sure a lot of you can relate to this... . just brutal. Even one year afterwards, I am still just very hurt and afraid of new relationships. What an absolute soul draining experience.

Yeah... At the same time maybe that's not such a bad thing. A lot of us on here have Co-dependancy issues (Else we wouldn't have put so much into "fixing" them) and it teaches us to not be so "head strong" into getting into a relationship next time. I know I'm a hecka lot more cautious now.

I understand the craving for the first email but for me when i was painted white i knew deep down it wasnt real.  And when she painted me black that wasn't real either.   If i wasnt enmeshed with her i would have just rolled my eyes and walk  away.  It's not that easy when i fell underneath her spell.

Yeah... . I'd get told (randomly) that things were fine between us, but other times her actions were the exact opposite, so I never really believed her. Like you, if I wasn't so intertwined with her I would have just walked away. It's so, so bizarre.

[stoic83]

I'm. sorry i didn't. mean to offend u in anyway, its just that your ex and my own have pretty much said thevsame things, and today was a tough day for me and when i sawcthe contrast of the two it became amusing to see such a difference.   I understand the craving for the first email but for me when i was painted white i knew deep down it wasnt real.  And when she painted me black that wasn't real either.   If i wasnt enmeshed with her i would have just rolled my eyes and walk  away.  It's not that easy when i fell underneath her spell.

Hey at first I took it the wrong way... . but I agree it is kind of funny. She says the exact opposite things in the emails. I fell under the spell too... . it was a perfect storm though, because I was working from home during the rs, and had bad rs with family (also mental illness possibly) so I just couldn't break it. I couldn't get away from her... . i'd break up w her, and then shed get 5150's and i loved her... . so i tried to help her. It was unbelievably tough... . i have chronic pain issues from living in this hell for so long. It really took a lot of life out of me... . slowly starting to heal I believe. Nobody deserves this kind of psychological torture... . she's not even sorry. She doesn't care... . it's really sick. I mean I was always skeptical, but after a while it feels good... . the idealization. Like I never really got that as a kid... . i was always told that i was flawed. So it became a drug of some sort... . i am seriously exhausted just from rehashing this over the past few days. I contacted her on new years after she posted a photo i took of her... . in the top email you can see how she alludes to meeting on new years. Luckily, I made out with a gorgeous woman that night... . i think that the universe has started it's karmic retribution on me. I never even got her number... . I think it's ironic. Because my exwBPD threw herself at me on NYE... . and I wonder how things would've turned out if I hadn't stayed in touch... .

Well... . this is a pretty good example of borderline splitting... . whether it's over a week or over several years... . it really took it's toll on me. Luckily, I'm starting to feel better (1 year out of rs)... . and starting to be more positive about dating. I did date a hot sociopathic BPD about 6 months ago... . I am still an easy target for that type of woman. No dating sites for me. Just meeting people in person... . feeling the chemistry... . sensing if there are any red flags... .

My exwBPD just entered a new rs... . god save his soul. The poor ass.

[stoic83]

Ya & they use that against you. At the same time tho, we shouldn't allow ourselves to get that deep in the first place. I still to this day don't know why I let myself get so invested into her when I've never done that with any other girl. I can only guess that the push/pull dynamic really screws us up, I never felt so drained & I put my entire self worth on the line with her.

What about you?

Ive had some bad experiences with women. I think my mom has hfBPD. I never have spent a lot of money on women, but have been generous with my time and support. I am starting to realize that this is so much more precious. I have had "friends" that were women, I fulfilled their emotional needs... . they didn't fulfill my physcial needs... . a couple of those. So those were codependent friendships, as there was mutual attraction... . just they may have been pathologically prude with authentic intimacy... . strange I attract those kind of girls. These girls tended to get along really well with men in general. It was unhealthy and prevented me from meeting someone that would meet my physical needs. My exwBPD definitely didn't have a problem with that for the most part... . there were some pretty awful dryspells, where looking back she could have been cheating... who knows?

Yeah... At the same time maybe that's not such a bad thing. A lot of us on here have Co-dependancy issues (Else we wouldn't have put so much into "fixing" them) and it teaches us to not be so "head strong" into getting into a relationship next time. I know I'm a hecka lot more cautious now...

Oh its a bad thing. I wouldve learned my lesson after 1 or 2 years... . I tried to shut it down, but she was relentless and hot, and I had feelings for her. It was more of codependency blended with love addiction for me. I didn't have a lot of emotional support trying to start my business... . so I really needed whatever I could get. I was a sitting duck. However, I expect to be more rigid in my next relationship... . i hope I meet a really kind and understanding woman who can soften me up a bit.

I understand the craving for the first email but for me when i was painted white i knew deep down it wasnt real.  And when she painted me black that wasn't real either.   If i wasnt enmeshed with her i would have just rolled my eyes and walk  away.  It's not that easy when i fell underneath her spell.

Yeah... . I'd get told that things were fine between us but her actions were the exact opposite, so I never really believed her. Like you, if I wasn't so intertwined with her I would have just walked away. It's so, so bizarre. [/quote]
When I got the first email... . I rolled my eyes a bit. But once you get split black, things become fuzzy... . all you come to know is white or black... . and white becomes "normal" and you accept it... . even if its a bit annoying. I tried to knock myself off the pedestal a few times when i became super knowledgeable of BPD... . huge mistake. It invalidated her feelings and caused a black split. I shouldnt have been so codependent and just let her feel whatever she felt. Oh well. Not even chuck norris could handle a girl wBPD, i dont care what anyone says... . I want a sane, supportive, feminine woman going forward... . not a quirky, needy, seductress.

Next, please.

[MrConfused]

I tried to knock myself off the pedestal a few times when i became super knowledgeable of BPD... . huge mistake

hah! Whenever I tried to do that she'd sense it and do what she could to make me put her back there. As soon as she got back up there she'd go back to be (What I termed) an ice queen.  This went on over and over. Felt like I was dealing with two separate people

I wish I knew what I knew about BPD now back then as it might have made things easier for me at the time.

I shouldnt have been so codependent and just let her feel whatever she felt.

Yeah likewise. Instead I went out of my way to try and fix whatever was wrong & just got burnt for it.

[laelle]

My relationship started out with his comparing it to "Romeo and Juliette"  I found this weird, but sweet. (doesnt she kill herself for him?  

It ended with me being called a blood sucking vampire who would never amount to anything.  He said that he was the wrong guy for me.  I needed one like "he named an ex boyfriend" who was genuine, kind and believed in an equal partnership.  

He was right!

I was a blood sucking vampire who would never amount to anything in his eyes. How selfish of me to ask that my needs and wants be addressed as well as his own.

In my eyes, he sucked me dry of my money, my time, my self esteem and my sanity.  His opinion means nothing to me because I am happy with who I am, and even more happy with the fact that I now have more money, more time with my family, more self esteem, and more sanity.

He was right!

Who would not prefer a guy who treats me great compared to an abusive guy who got up in my face screaming and pointing his sick hiting finger at me.  

He seemed to have a better sense of who he was than I did!


 

[Johan]

That split black email is very similar to the email I got for my goodbye when I was split black... same layout, words - toxic etc, accusations... .

I was in a really bad place too when she sending them.

Nothing made sense... . each time you read these posts it grounds me to how fcuked up it all really is.

[strikeforce]

Was there any contact between these two emails? Or did these come during NC after breakup?

[stoic83]

Was there any contact between these two emails? Or did these come during NC after breakup?

There was contact between these emails. However, these are examples of the most outrageous splitting. It must have taken her a lot of effort to write these emails. She doesn't express herself very easily, unless it's spontaneous. I think it was very difficult for her to try and reason through her feelings... .

We had a 4+ year relationship with several breakups in between. Most of them being initated by me, due to her alcoholism. I thought she would get better without the alcohol, but in some cases her dysfunctional behavior got a lot worse. She told me this a few times... . She looked at me like she was going to cry, and told me she felt she was getting worse... . she exhibited extremely bizarre behavior during the last year of our rs. She admitted to paranoid delusions, and I have seen her completely disassociated. It was terrifying.

I'd say that 50-60 percent of the time, she wasn't dysregulated... . meaning we got along really well, she wasn't idealizing or devaluing me, and there was true chemistry, friendship, and hopes for the future. She is a very sick person, and it really eats me up inside.

I disagree with the notion that for someone to be with someone with BPD, they have to be on a similar level in regard to emotional development. We were both very aware that I was more "sane" and more "stable" and in a better place to be the "leader" in the relationship. She told me very early on there was something wrong with her.

In my mind it was like if someone you cared for told you they had cancer, would you drop them? Looking back, I'm sure there was a better way... . but there was something very real between us, and it had nothing to do with emotional immaturity or psychology issues... . but just two people that appreciated eachother's personality, charisma, and desire to be close. She was bright and funny and eccentric... . and had an authentic side to her.

My therapist tells me that I'm very empathetic, and that people like her attracted to me... . because they can sense that I will help them. This may leave me more vulnerable, but I see it as a strength more than a weakness.

I am looking forward to my next relationship and hope I can meet a woman who is as empathetic and loyal as myself.

I am still hurt.

[stoic83]

My relationship started out with his comparing it to "Romeo and Juliette"  I found this weird, but sweet. (doesnt she kill herself for him?  

It ended with me being called a blood sucking vampire who would never amount to anything.  He said that he was the wrong guy for me.  I needed one like "he named an ex boyfriend" who was genuine, kind and believed in an equal partnership.  

He was right!

I was a blood sucking vampire who would never amount to anything in his eyes. How selfish of me to ask that my needs and wants be addressed as well as his own.

In my eyes, he sucked me dry of my money, my time, my self esteem and my sanity.  His opinion means nothing to me because I am happy with who I am, and even more happy with the fact that I now have more money, more time with my family, more self esteem, and more sanity.

He was right!

Who would not prefer a guy who treats me great compared to an abusive guy who got up in my face screaming and pointing his sick hiting finger at me.  

He seemed to have a better sense of who he was than I did!

Ha! My exwBPD said the same thing... . only this girl who was much better for me was not very attractive physically (I mean im not very superficial, but in hindsight I shouldn't have been with her if I wasn't very attracted to her )

She kept telling me I would go back to her... . but I think it was because she wasn't very attractive, and wanted me to be with someone less attractive than her.

Either way, I would have been better off being alone than being with a dysfunctional person. I have been in therapy for one year, and I don't claim to know it all... . I am much more open-minded. I feel like I changed person. Things are starting to look better.

I think French women are the most interesting creatures on earth. (I lived in France). If I was with a French woman, I could die a happy man. In general, I found the french to be much more expressive... . I think emotional immaturity has a different definition in both countries. In france, I would get in to arguments with my friends... . here it's much more passive agressive energy. I could see the little kid in my french friends... . here I see people trying to hide their authentic self.

I wish I never left France. I know it's not perfect... . but man I really enjoyed my life there. I really enjoyed the people... . I felt a lot of wonderful emotions there. Here, I feel very emotionally repressed... . It's okay... . I'll get back there someday.

She also kept telling me to just "GO TO FRANCE". She hated that I loved France so much... . haha. I think in her eyes it was a rejection, since I loved France... . and she wasn't there. Go figure.

Laelle... . do you have a job for me in France? I need to get out of southern california and find my destiny... . as my french friend said, "J'ai l'esprit francais"... . I think I need to meet a wonderful, expressive french woman... . who can help open me back up.

[stoic83]

I tried to knock myself off the pedestal a few times when i became super knowledgeable of BPD... . huge mistake

hah! Whenever I tried to do that she'd sense it and do what she could to make me put her back there. As soon as she got back up there she'd go back to be (What I termed) an ice queen.  This went on over and over. Felt like I was dealing with two separate people

I wish I knew what I knew about BPD now back then as it might have made things easier for me at the time.

I shouldnt have been so codependent and just let her feel whatever she felt.

Yeah likewise. Instead I went out of my way to try and fix whatever was wrong & just got burnt for it.

Hey confused, I actually meant when she was idealizing me on a pedestal. She would say I was the best person ever... . yadayadayada... and I could tell she was dysregulated. Over time, I learned that what goes up... . must come down. So i tried to stop her from idealizing me, splitting me white... . so that when i made a human mistake, I would be in more of a grey area... . than split black.

Needless to say, it didn't work. It was like telling a young child the tooth fairy doesn't exist. She would get really down when I told her... . hey... . I've got a lot of faults too... . and list them out. I tried to get her to see me in grey. It didn't work. It just frustrated her... . she much preferred her world of villains and heros. It was way more comfortable to her, and it didn't need to be logical.

I guess in my own way... . I do the same. Not in the same intensity... . it always helps to have those few people in life that you idealize... . whether it be a therapist, mentor, someone you love, etc... . for me, when I really enjoy and care about someone, it is hard for me to see their faults... . is that love? Or is that unhealthy?

Maybe it's focusing on the positives, and overlooking the negatives... . when I truly love someone or something, it is much more of a feeling than logical explanation... . so I guess the main issue with the BPDex,  is that her emotions were fickle... . if she loved me all of the time... . even during an argument... . then I wouldn't be here.

You can't be in a loving relationship with someone that falls in and out of love with you. It's constant heartbreak... . and it takes a long time to figure out, because it's not human... . it doesn't make any sense to someone with a healthier way of loving others.

[LilMissSunshine]

Stoic, was your X ever professionally diagnosed with BPD or some other personality disorder?

[PacifistMom]

Oh laelle how many times have I heard this! "He said that he was the wrong guy for me.  I needed one like "he named an ex boyfriend" who was genuine, kind and believed in an equal partnership.  "

Except it's "You probably need one of those **** f***ers [guys from a certain neighborhood & music scene like some that I dated briefly and casually over 12 years ago before we got together] who lives in f***ing lala land like you"

Or on worse days when my family is the target, it's my brothers [who I get along with because we were raised to communicate pretty well I think; so he likens our relationship to  incest when he's feeling bad ... . ]

Sorry to get off topic. Those emails are definitely something I can relate to.

[stoic83]

Stoic, was your X ever professionally diagnosed with BPD or some other personality disorder?

She wouldn't tell me what her diagnosis was... .

I know that she was in some kind of life program for the mentally ill. She told me things that she got from somewhere that were obviously therapeutic guidance for BPD. She was in AA and woman's sober living... . she had a life coach, but told me that therapy wouldn't work for her... . she just knows it wouldn't. I bought her 4 books on BPD... . I also bought her dbt workbook and she said she loved it and the women from her group appreciated her working on it.

She made comments after being apart of AA and some other programs I'm not aware of... . Such as... .

1)I was listening to my heart and not my head... . I need to listen to my head.

2)You know, I'm just not capable of loving you like you love me. You need to understand that.

3)I know that you didn't cheat on me... . I imagined it and it seemed so real. I think I'm getting worse... .

4)I don't need you in my life, I WANT you in my life.

5)I have a really hard time being alone, I need to start figuring out how I can be okay with being alone.

6)I am a child. I need you to tell me what to do.

7)I'm not normal... . mental illness runs in my family.

8)I hope I don't meet a boyfriend or father type in detox (while we were in rs)... . !

9)I need boundaries. It's good for me when you set boundaries.

Also here are things I witnessed during my rs.

1) Hardcore alcoholism, addiction.

2) Hypersexuality.

3) Suicide threats and attempts.

4) Cuts on her arms.

5) Paranoid delusions.

6) Fear of abandonment.

7) Obsessive texting and accusations.

8) Idealization and splitting.

9) Falling in love very quickly.

10) Manipulative behavior... . including gaslighting, emotional blackmail,and pathological lying.

11) Wreckless driving.

12) History of sexual abuse.

13) Stalking and odd behavior for amount of time passed.

14) Difficulty making sense out of the continuity of the relationship. She would forget that we broke up so many times... .

15) Propensity to want to trade sex for favors.

16)

I've had two therapists, and both told me she sounded textbook BPD. Her sister is dx with bipolar disorder... . she asked her dad if she had BPD... . and he said probably. He didn't like me diagnosing his daughter. I think the people in her life didn't want to label her. She talked a lot about not believing in labels... . my therapist thinks like that as well and was a drug and alcohol counselor. I think that if people know they are BPD, they can justify their behavior... .

She wasn't capable of discussing her BPD... . I also had a semi-friend who was a girl, and she was dx with BPD on medication... . and she said "Oh yeah... . she definitely has BPD, and maybe something else"... .

So I'm 99.9 percent sure she has BPD... . whether formally dx or not.

Stoic

6)

[stoic83]

Oh she might have received a diagnosis for C-PTSD... . but supposedly they give this diagnosis to people with BPD for insurance purposes... . speaking of that. I had PTSD symptoms during and after the relationship. At one point, after screaming at me out of nowhere in bed... . i curled up in to the fetal position and completely froze. She said, " My friend and I think you have PTSD from being with me... . " and then she laughed. And... . "I tainted you. You used to be good for me, now you aren't. We shouldn't be together" During a recycle, as I sat down at dinner with her I started hyperventilating... . she didn't know what to do! She actually propositioned me for sex and said it would help with the stress. It was always so bizarre seeing her during a recycle... . it's like she barely knew me.

I had flashbacks, and was triggered by certain events. It was absolutely sickening. If anybody wants to hear what PTSD feels like as a result of borderline abuse, please let me know. I wasn't formally diagnosed... . but my Uncle who is a child psychologist agreed that I was suffering from PTSD type symptoms... . and used analogies about war, etc.

[LilMissSunshine]

What a nightmare.  I think 99.9% sure she is BPD is underestimated.      I wonder why they refuse to tell us what their actual diagnosis is.  My X b/f won't tell me either.  According to him though, he's on his fourth therapist in less than 3 years. 

For me, the PTSD is overwhelming.  We did everything together.  Everywhere I go, everything I do is a trigger right now.  I can't even drive by Home Depot without shedding a few tears.  Sometimes the chest palpitations start and I break into a sweat.  :'(

I'm sorry for your suffering.  Thank you for sharing. 

[MrConfused]

According to him though, he's on his fourth therapist in less than 3 years.

hah yeah. Mine went to one... . once, considered herself cured and stopped. um. Whereas I've kept going to mine & she's really helped me come to terms with it. The first time I went I was an absolute wreck (This was whist I was still with her)

Everywhere I go, everything I do is a trigger right now.

I understand this... . I worked with mine for a long time so I'd "see" her everywhere. Going into her classroom (She was a teacher) to work with her replacement was... . hard. It was made worse by mutual colleagues asking about her & how she was getting on... I still get this a lot but I've never ever said a bad word about her.

[Free2Bee]

This question is for Stoic83: I'm interested in what you were saying about BPD clients being given a C-PTSD diagnosis for insurance purposes. That's *exactly* the diagnosis my SO was given, but the recommendations the therapist made for managing her 'episodes' seemed more in line with BPD.

This is actually reassuring to me because my SO was in therapy for about a year before she met me and I was kind of surprised that BPD never came up in her therapy. The insurance thing would explain it... .

[stoic83]

What a nightmare.  I think 99.9% sure she is BPD is underestimated.     I wonder why they refuse to tell us what their actual diagnosis is.  My X b/f won't tell me either.  According to him though, he's on his fourth therapist in less than 3 years. 

For me, the PTSD is overwhelming.  We did everything together.  Everywhere I go, everything I do is a trigger right now.  I can't even drive by Home Depot without shedding a few tears.  Sometimes the chest palpitations start and I break into a sweat.  :'(

I'm sorry for your suffering.  Thank you for sharing. 

You'll be happy to know that after 1 year out... . with some LC in between. I just went to target today and barely even thought about her. Target was her favorite store, and I stayed the hell away from target for the longest time... . I think that I am almost completely healed. I have been in therapy for a year, and attending 2 times a week for the most part. Have spent close to 5k... . but the reward is that I'm becoming the best version of myself.

I think I have one more year of therapy. I am still having a very hard time dating, and my therapist think I need a "restorative dating experience". There is this really cute girl that I am interested in that gave me her number... . she is liking things on my facebook, and we have a lot in common. I met her at a couple parties, and mutual friends seem to think we would be good together... . I actually met her a few months after breakup w BPD... . and we hit it off, and i half way asked her out... . but I didn't follow through.

Recently i posted something on facebook about being an ineligible bachelor, and she like the image... . it was kind of bait i guess... . well, i liked her photo (blurry and random)... . and then one week later we end up at the same party. I couldn't even talk to her I was so nervous... . I am worried that I like her because she has BPD. Friends are reassuring me that she's an absolute sweetheart, and that she has very strong morals... . but I still doubt myself. I am also worried she is going to put me in the friend zone during our date... . and I just can't handle that type of rejection. We locked eyes a few times at the party, and i felt some chemistry and it freaked me out a bit. I avoided her the rest of the party.

I am still terrified... . I have been dating a bit, but had bad results. And I don't handle rejection, or mixed messages very well at all. It's really tough to date after this experience, especially since I wasn't very experienced before this BPD rs... . and mostly went out with girls who made it VERY CLEAR they were interested in me romantically.

I think healthier women probably aren't so obvious, as they are a bit fearful of rejection. Well this one gave me her number, asked about my family, and we locked eyes a couple of times... . so i think there are some green lights. She doesn't seem overenthusiastic, but I am hypervigilant to analyzing potential romantic partners... . so I really need to CALM DOWN. I am going to try and go in to a first date with an open mind. Also, I am used to being Lovebombed, not subtly getting to know someone with flirtation and stuff... . a girl that likes me, might never get noticed... .

My friends tell me a girl is "feeling me" when I am out, and I absolutely don't believe them.

I think the only area the PTSD really affects me is potential romance... . I am so afraid of intimacy right now... . I barely ever get hugged or anything. It's bizarre. I used to have more casual intimacy in my life through friends and family. Now Im much more uptight and don't have much physical contact... . sucks.

I suppose a lot of that has to do with the fact that my social life dwindled and all my girl-friends got married... . taken women make it obvious they are taken with pats on the back and so on and so forth. It's frustrating and I'm having a hard time having intimacy with others... . male friends aren't that intimate with eachother, thank god. I am really craving the intimacy of a woman... . and not talking about hookups, cause I've had that and it just makes me feel worse.

Hopefully as i spend more time around healthier people i will start to be more calm about flirting, etc... . Right now, I don't handle it well at all. Sorry I got off topic... . but part of healing is moving on and finding the love that i deserve... . that can help restore me. There are somethings you can't do on your own.

Stoic

[stoic83]

This question is for Stoic83: I'm interested in what you were saying about BPD clients being given a C-PTSD diagnosis for insurance purposes. That's *exactly* the diagnosis my SO was given, but the recommendations the therapist made for managing her 'episodes' seemed more in line with BPD.

This is actually reassuring to me because my SO was in therapy for about a year before she met me and I was kind of surprised that BPD never came up in her therapy. The insurance thing would explain it... .

Well BPD carries a huge stigma with both society AND insurance providers. Until DBT, BPD was considered untreatable and a life long severe mental illness that is a huge burden to society. People w lfBPD can't hold down jobs, they commit crimes, and they are frequently hospitalized. So, the c-ptsd diagnosis isn't as stigmatizing.

To some extent... . BPD is c-ptsd. I don't know exactly what differences are. But imagine being a young infant, and having ptsd... . and growing up like that. It changes neural pathways... . the brain gets rewired for survival. It's very, very sad.

C-PTSD isn't as damning for insurance purposes, and it isn't as damning to the patient... . if someone knows they have BPD and reads all the crap we do... . it could be pretty dangerous for a number of reasons. If you knew you were inherently flawed, there was no cure, and you caused pain to everyone around you... . wouldn't you want to kill yourself too? It's like learning you are a cancer on society... . a bad apple... . a bad person.

There needs to be more positive information out there. I think this site does a great service... . as time goes on... . we are less angry and more empathetic to people with mental illness. I still wish that my exwBPD never had BPD... . I wish that she didn't live with the pain that she does... . I need to be empathetic to myself, but I still am very sad... . much moreso than I am angry. But the anger comes out as a result of the abuse... . and not holding her responsible for her actions due to her mental illness. I needed to have serious boundaries... . and I just wanted to satiate my sick girlfriend, whom I loved very much... . not so much that I was a doormat, but enough to where she didn't feel neglected.

It came to the point, where I would lose myself... . because she just needed so much to feel loved and okay... and I started not having the energy to take care of myself... and that is the problem more than anything else. These relationships aren't sustainable... . nobody has the energy to be with a person wBPD for longer than a few years... . it's absolutely exhausting, a full time job, and lowers the quality of the non's life. I still love this woman, but sadly... . she isn't right for anybody... . and she has a responsibility to take care of herself and heal to the point, where she can be with someone else without dragging them down.

She recently entered a new relationship... . hopefully the new guy gets out a lot sooner than I did, because nobody deserves to go through the hell that I went through. It's psychological torture.

Stoic

[fiddlestix]

The similarities among most of our BPD exes is uncanny.  I guess the predictability of the symptoms is what makes diagnosis possible.  My ex BPD wife could change her tune as seen in these letters in a matter of hours.  She would elevate my hopes only to crush them hours later.  My ex wrote similar notes over the final months of our 25 year run.  Thanks for sharing the letters. 

Fiddle