Communication advice

[Jai Yen]

A super brief review of my situation and then on to my communication question. I was married to a women from Japan for almost 20 years. We have two teen kids who are off to college soon. We finalized our divorce in October. It was an expensive process but we both come out of it OK. We also, miraculously, have been able to continue our mutual business.

My exBPD/NPD wife and I meet a couple of times a week via Skype to discuss business and the kids (they're living here with me). Recently, she's been asking me to reconsider re-marrying her. She tells me she realizes how mean she was to me (mean doesn't begin to describe it!) but reassures me she is OK now. I tell her clearly that I plan to remain single and that she would be better off to accept that we are divorced for good. She is extremely persistent though. There is ABSOLUTELY no way I'd even consider re-marriage of course but I need some advice how to skillfully move her off the subject. I simply end Skype calls if she gets emotionally unregulated. This boundary is firm. She hasn't done that for a while but I'd like to keep it mostly business and not allow it to get too friendly. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.   

I know how serious the issues are for folks posting on this board. I was in the thick of things from about this time last year until well into the summer of 2013. bpdfamily members provided me with amazing feedback, support and advice for which I am truly grateful. So I'm sorry for this relatively benign question.

[ForeverDad]

She tells me she realizes how mean she was to me (mean doesn't begin to describe it!) but reassures me she is OK now.

She's completed years of therapy already?  Okay, I admit, that's not a serious question.  She's not OK now if she regularly gets emotionally unregulated.

Boundaries are crucial.  Any relaxation or iffiness will be seen as encouragement to try harder to undermine them.

Perhaps the business relationship seems to be working because she thinks that's the way back in, that she'll eventually overcome your resolve?  It's still a good idea keep working on your other business opportunities, just so you don't feel 'stuck'.

[Tolou]

Make sure you maintain your boundaries!  Don't ease up on that and don't forget what you have been through.  If you know that you would never reconsider marriage, then that is good for you because that is your spring board to not get sucked back in.  If she tells you all the most wonderful things in the world... . you can say that as difficult as things have been you need this time alone to focus on yourself and your mental health.  You can tell her that you are not in place to remarry, and just would like to continue doing what is best for the children and business and reaffirm that you care about her and the family.

It is not easy, I am just giving you food for thought, suggestions.  Ultimately you will need to decide the best way to approach this... . It does sound like she still has the capability to emotionally out of control but atleast the children are with you.  When the converstaion turns away from the business or children, redirect it back to that and that only.  Keep contact short and to the point if necessary, eventually she wil hope fully get it.  Shes known you for so long she knows all your weaknesses and how to press your buttons like no one else... . Just remember you are in control, you know what you want, give tough love.  Let her know that you content with the way things are and that you are not interested in taking a risk of ruining what you have now.

[Jai Yen]

It's still a good idea keep working on your other business opportunities, just so you don't feel 'stuck'.

I'm actively working on creating alternative income sources. In time, I will rely less and less on our mutual business.

Make sure you maintain your boundaries!  Don't ease up on that and don't forget what you have been through.

I'll definitely keep my solid boundaries. It's funny I can see right through her tactics at this point. Her incredible persuasiveness has served her well career and business-wise though. Of course, most people don't know about her disorder.

Shes known you for so long she knows all your weaknesses and how to press your buttons like no one else... . Just remember you are in control, you know what you want, give tough love.

Tolou you're right on! I'm really working on myself to overcome all the reflexive mental conditioning I've developed through the course of our marriage. I continue to use JADE and SET and she knows I'll cut our conversation abruptly if it gets uncomfortable and pointless.

Thanks for the feedback and advice.