Should I leave? Or will she actually kill herself?

[adrianab]

My BPD wife is going through a bad depression at the moment. I just learned about BPD and it seems the closer I get to the truth, the worse she has become. We also got test results back that show she has a hormonal imbalance, and she took it quite badly. I know its a lot to do with her own guilt, and difficulty accepting and adjusting to this new dynamic and I'm finally able to take the hate and abuse without blaming myself and reacting. On some level things are better as the fights no longer escalate. I used to take the passive approach and just internalize everything and let her get away with it, but usually after its built up after a while I would burst. But I read that being passive just makes things worse, so I've started to assert my position kindly, and back off from her criticism and insults. So far that's been working well, she tries to get me angry but I manage to defuse the situation and she gives up, and when she calms down she acts like nothing happened, and so do I. I was reading about extinction and how we should back off and give the person time to self sooth and not reward them for their bad behavior. But does the depression count as bad behavior? I want to move myself and our two boys out temporarily, and let her work out her feelings and self sooth as the article suggested, but I'm afraid in her current condition and with her fear of abandonment she will hurt herself if we all leave her all alone. She has recently spoken openly of suicide and she has not eaten in weeks without throwing up, shes lost lots of weight and is weak all the time and obviously not able to think straight. The thing is I'm not sure if she is doing it on purpose to punish me or herself or is she genuinely in need of help to get her back on her feet. She keeps asking me to leave her alone and that I'm suffocating her, although I've totally backed off and only approach her when she calls for me. She's just holed up in our room, watching TV all day. And I spend most of the time at home outside in the living room sometimes sleeping on the couch. I only make a fuss about getting her to eat, other then that I try to leave her alone. I cant work at the moment, because I'm sick with worry. I cant focus on my work and all I can think about is what is the best thing to do for her right now. All my suggestions of getting all sorts of help for her are refused, so I know its probably pointless for me to try to initiate any help. My parents live in the same apartment building so me and the boys could move in with them temporarily, our boys spend most of their time there currently as I don't want them to see her like this. Is this the right thing to do, or should I keep trying to get her well enough before we move out every time she behaves badly?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seneca]

*most* of the time, suicide threats are just a tactic - a manipulation or coping tool... . they don't really mean it. that said, BPD has a fair rate of suicide, usually due to the concurrent depression piece. the bottom line is - you need to do what's right for you and your boys. encourage her that if she is feeling out of control or desperate, to seek appropriate help. leave the number for a doctor, her therapist, a crisis line, support group - something... . someone for her to call other than you. 

[Jox]

Adriana Hi,

To me it sounds serious for all the situation.

Get professional help yourself.  Depending on a country you live in, different helps are to your disposal, but private and experienced professional is a must.

Dont leave her, unless the children are exposed, think of kids first.

Best to all of you and hope things get better, keep us posted.

[adrianab]

Thanks for the replies and good advice... . I decided to write a really long note telling her why I was leaving with the boys and left for work before she woke up, I told her that it wasn't her fault that we are leaving, and what she was feeling now wasn't real and that things would get better eventually, to just be patient and focus on herself and forget about me and the boys for now. That I felt that she needed some space and time to get herself better, and having the boys and me around would just be stressing her out. And that I have said all that needed to be said and I'm not going to bring it up anymore, and when she was ready she could approach me anytime and we could explore some treatment that she was comfortable with, but only when she was ready for it. I reminded her why I loved her and told her I was only a phone call away if she needed me. I didn't call to check on her all day, and was very nervous and worried until I got a text from her saying that she loved me. I guess it worked, she started eating and amazingly not throwing up, tidied up the house and cooked dinner. When I came home I got a big hug and she said "I'm sane right now and I want to say thank you for being the best husband and friend ever, I will try my best to get better I promise, just in case I flip again later just remember that your wife is buried deep inside this bhit". Its probably the best day we have had in a long-long time, and it makes all the hurt, pain and anxiety worth it. I guess I'm learning more and more to ignore our natural instinct with BPD and nothing makes sense, so don't try to make sense of it. I'm so glad I found this site, and grateful for the support. And I would highly recommend writing letters about your feelings to a person with BPD, somehow it takes the sting out of what your saying and they are able to hear exactly what you want them to hear without making more of it then it actually is. I know it will come and I'm prepared for another flip but I'm much better prepared now and have a plan.

[elemental]

Poor lady, she sounds like she is really wanting to try.

[adrianab]

Its a series of good days and bad, I got kicked out of the bedroom again because last night I snored and she couldn't get a good nights sleep and shes in a bad mood again. So I'm back on the couch for now. But from what I've read I think that its due to the thyroid problem which is messing up her hormones and sleep. She stopped smoking weed for a couple of days while she was in a good mood, but started again once her mood changed. I picked up her new meds today, Thyroid T3 and Hydrocortisone but shes not interested to take them at all. When shes like this she wont do anything that is good for her. It can be so frustrating. I had a really bad day at work and its tough to come home to her coldness, would be nice to get some support and encouragement, but at least shes eating again and not talking about suicide anymore. Does anyone have experience with medication like Thyroid T3 and Hydrocortisone? Most of what I've found is quite technical and not that clear. The gynecologist said that BPD and hormone problems are closely related. So hope the meds will help.

[elemental]

My ex husband, the narc, had thyroid cancer, so he was on thyroid meds ever after.

From what I saw, if he was not on the med, he became very sluggish, depressed, and retained a lot of water or something. Gained weight fast.

Does your wife have PCOS? Very often diet can make a huge difference in how the symptoms come out, and YES, people with PCOS and thyroid imbalances can rollercoaster emotionally from despair to feeling a lot better and being more balanced.

[adrianab]

Dont think its PCOS, I googled it, I'm sure after all the blood test the doctors would have mentioned it. They didn't put a label on it, just that her DHEA was very high and testosterone and thyroid T3 was very low.

Guess what she did this morning? She flushed all the brand new EXPENSIVE meds down the toilet! I'm so angry I just want to scream at her and shake some sense into her, so instead I'm venting here instead. She texted me this morning asking if I took the car to work, which I did. I replied yes and got a tirade of four letter words and other nonsense. So I said I was going to ignore her because she was being abusive and wouldn't respond until she calmed down and I would be there for her when she did. She wanted to go out and sleep over at her friends, I know she added the sleepover part to piss me off so I just ignored that. She then threatened to kill herself and flush the meds down the toilet because its my fault we only have one car (because shes not working right now and we cant afford a second). I left work early just to go back and check in on her (I was a little worried she would actually hurt herself), but she was fine and locked in our room. So I didn't say a word, just put the car key on the table and left. But noticed the meds were actually gone. Its taking a lot of will power to ride this one out, please god give me strength and the wisdom to do the right thing.

[adrianab]

When I had to go back home, I got home to more abuse, so I packed an overnight bag and told her that I was only coming back when she was able to treat me with some respect. I said I loved her and I would be a phone call away and I would come back when she wanted me around. I told her that what she was feeling wasn't real and that she had the power to change things if she really wanted to, and I would be ready to help her every step of the way. She just cursed some more and wanted the car keys and some cash to go out (Friday night), and I told her no because we cant afford her going out all the time especially while she isn't working (and just wasted a bunch of expensive meds which I will need to order again on Monday, and god knows how I'm going to afford it) and that I also didn't want to support her destructive behavior, ie drinking and going out all night and sleeping over god knows where. I said if she really wanted to ruin her life, I wouldn't be a part of it (My sister died in a car crash when she was 18, and I was supposed to send her home that night but she convinced me to let her go home with her BF instead who also died, the driver that survived was drunk, so I do have a really bad time dealing with it when shes out drinking and she does drive after drinking). Is this the right thing to do? Should I just give her the rope to hang herself and step back? Will doing this be seen as too controlling and make her resent me?

While I was packing my bag, and ignoring her rant about hating me, and me ruining her life, and if I did this to her she would never love me again, etc. She actually started cutting her wrist with a pair of scissors. I'm not sure if consciously she knew they wouldn't cut her skin, or if she stopped when it started to hurt, but it felt like an emotional trap so I pretended to ignore it, although I was really worried. She didn't draw any blood and ignoring it seemed to help as she stopped when she didn't get my attention I guess. I had been to the store and stocked up the house with lots of fruit and vegetables and all her favorite food that she liked that was easy to make and left (I gave her money a few days ago for groceries but she never bought a thing). On my way out I got a string of sms rants about divorcing me etc etc and that I should never come back and it was over this time but I ignored it.

I forgot my toothbrush and a bunch of other stuff so an hour later I went back, and she was fast asleep. Probably passed out from the exhaustion of all the emotion, and there was a bowl of half eaten soup beside her so at least she was trying to eat. I actually checked if she was breathing because for a second I thought she was dead. I just tracked her phone so I know shes still at home, so that's a relief, because shes in no condition to go out drinking.

I keep thinking to myself, am I doing the right thing? I keep checking my phone every 5 mins to see if she texted, and I'm lonely, worried and I feel absolutely helpless. I feel guilty because I'm a lot happier not to be around her when she is being cold, mean and abusive and hyper critical. But I really am worried she will eventually escalate and hurt herself. I know I'm supposed to seek professional help, but if she refuses it, forcing her will probably render the help ineffective as she is really good at switching off. I can only pray for now and look forward to the text that will let me know she has come off the bad trip and is sane again.