Hello, who are you?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This is my thought as I stare at myself in the mirror. I haven’t left this apartment all weekend. My thoughts are consumed with where she is and who she’s screwing. I never remember myself looking like this let alone thinking like this. When we first met I ran 3 miles a day, I was on track to run my first marathon this weekend.I missed it :'(. Now, I weigh 40 pounds more than I did and I couldn’t run 40 feet without passing out. I've allowed myself to be pulled into her madness.  I don’t know who I’m looking at. I’m fractured and broken. Who I was has fled and what I see I don’t like. I have to change this. Thanks for listening to me vent.

[coastalfog1]

This is my thought as I stare at myself in the mirror. I haven’t left this apartment all weekend. My thoughts are consumed with where she is and who she’s screwing. I never remember myself looking like this let alone thinking like this. When we first met I ran 3 miles a day, I was on track to run my first marathon this weekend.I missed it :'(. Now, I weigh 40 pounds more than I did and I couldn’t run 40 feet without passing out. I've allowed myself to be pulled into her madness.  I don’t know who I’m looking at. I’m fractured and broken. Who I was has fled and what I see I don’t like. I have to change this. Thanks for listening to me vent.

[fromheeltoheal]

That's a great question to ask as you detach and find yourself again, and you'll probably find you know yourself better once you process the relationship all the way.

Bonus points: next time you look in the mirror, say "I love you" and mean it.

[Ironmanrises]

That's a great question to ask as you detach and find yourself again, and you'll probably find you know yourself better once you process the relationship all the way.

Bonus points: next time you look in the mirror, say "I love you" and mean it.

Exactly what fromheal wrote. You are still in the FOG. Hang in there. Post on here. We know how you feel. In far too many ways. 

[santa]

The important thing for you to remember is that while this is a shock to you and you are overwhelmed right now, as time goes on your life will reach comfort and normalcy again. The sting from all this will wear off soon and you'll start putting together a new plan. Maybe you'll start running again. Maybe you'll do something else. Whatever it is that you decide to do, you're going to do something. Try to make it something productive and positive that you can get real joy from.

You've got to discipline yourself to get through this. There's no shortcut or easy solution. You can do this though. If John McCain can survive 4 years in a Vietnamese Prison Camp, you can get over your ex girlfriend. If you ran 3 miles everyday, you have plenty of discipline. Use it to your advantage. Come up with a plan to make your life better and stick to it.

[Learning_curve74]

I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt, coastalfog1. 

Most of us enjoyed that feeling of being worth so much because we mattered so much to another person, and when we lose that other person, it has the potential to injure us and our conception of our self-worth.

It's normal and okay to be devastated for a time. You did write, "I have to change this." Do you have the energy to do things that can at least help you cope for the moment?

[Changingman]

Ditto

Looked at myself and was shocked, started boxing training and in 2 months, people didn't recognise me. I didn't recognise the person I had become and she blocked any personal growth I was on. Even new clothes made me anxious at first as I was changing away from the RS.

Taking care of yourself is amazing, after caring for the uncarable/uncaring you have superpowers, such emotional muscles.

Find yourself, be yourself, love yourself

All the beautiful self that you are

[allweareisallweare]

We know how you feel, CF -  remember the Bob Dylan lyrics: "People used to say 'beware doll, you're bound to fall,' you thought they were all kiddin' you."

It's never a mistake to love someone a lot, as you no doubt did. It's that rare thing, someone willing to give and give. That's why it hurts, because you fought and loved and gave until the end ... . and yet... . but the yet is that if you can love someone that much, fight for someone that much, you can do it for someone else. A borderline is like a bucket with a hole it it, you give and it just pours out that other side and I'm actually laughing now at this analogy because it's so weird and yet so apt!

But they know, despite the painting black self-hate, that they were loved and what keeps them awake at night is the thought of you getting out there as a non, moving on, engaging with the illness and loving someone else.

You stumbled, they are falling... . falling ... . falling... .

[State85]

Coastal,

I too think a lot about who mine is with, what they are doing. That seems to be my biggest hangup at this moment. Do I want her back, no way. Do I want to see her newest r/s go up in flames... . yes. I know I shouldn't care, but should put that energy and focus on me... .

I too run, its a way of escaping for me. It reduces my stress level tremendously. Do not stop training for your marathon... . keep going. I've ran 2 marathons, they are life-changing events.

Keep running Coastal, do not let her take that away from you... . please!