Self Doubt

[Quantum Entangled]

How does one even start an inventory of the damage done. I was a theatre major in college, thirty yrs ago. As a director, u have to be able to view from each characters perspective. Understanding my Narcissistic BP from her perspective left me in this relationship for 14 yrs.  Being understanding is a real drawback in this case. I don't think I even understood how little understanding the why of the pain she was inflicting, didn't really go a long way toward nullifying the psychological repercussions. (Read: she was viscously cruel) When she was diagnosed, I did my research, which didn't help me in the least. Now I understood that she actually believed the things she was saying! I convinced myself that if I showed her understanding and unconditional love, well then there would come a day when she would be able to love me. At the least, I would spend more time as the hero then the zero, because we all know there is no in between. I had to find a reason to stay, you see, because there were children. My children. The most unfathomably wonderful thing. I never really understood love until they were born. But her RAGES and RAGES and RAGES.  I couldn't have it in front of the boys. For almost a month now she has kept me from my boys. I hurt. I really hurt. I have no support network. I had an attorney consultation, which just confuses me more. I'm told not to give her a penny. If she is going to stand in the way of my seeing them then don't give her a cent. She and I are not married. She has a part time job that brings in a couple hundred, maybe. Other than that, I don't know that her family can help her financially at all. I've given her a couple hundred a week for groceries because that's all I could afford. I got paid on Friday and haven't given her anything. Shes angry. Its killing me. I feel that regardless of how very very cruel and inhuman she is in all she says and by keeping my children from me, especially. I don't know what to do. I'm lost in my head, I doubt everything I say. I can't perform well at work. I never been so close to just packing it in. But my boys. Their father is not weak. But I am so very confused. I don't know how much longer I can stand this. I don't know where to turn. I'm afraid to go near her, I know what she is capable of. I'm sorry. I just don't have anyone to talk to.

[growing_wings]

Quantum... . i am sorry you are hurting so badly.  this is something noone deserves... but they you are. Hang in there.

a break up is painful, but a break up from a BPD after a long term r/s can be excrutiating... .   but you are on your way to freedom, and for that, this step, although is soo bitterly painful, is needed to break free. It wont be easy, but you will get through. Dig it deeper and get out... .

once i read: If you are going through hell KEEP walking... .

there is no other way around that. We are all in that plate, and we have felt the pain in a way.

use this support network, keep busy, and keep walking so you get out of hell.

keep us posted on how you do. I dont know the details of your story, but share it here... we will listen.

my best wishes for you during your pain

[growing_wings]

you might want to read below thread:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=214187.0

helps a bit

[winston72]

Hey Quantum Entangled... . and I join Growing Wings in welcoming you to BPD Family... . and I share the sympathy and heartbreak at reading your post.  Man... . I am hurting for you/with you as I type this. 

I would like to offer my affirmation of what Growing Wings wrote, and the link is really a good one also.

Confusion... . the world truly does go upside done.  In part because, as you describe so aptly, your character attributes that are normally so constructive and admirable become the point of vulnerability to manipulation and hurt.  And a response to such a cycle that involves self reflection and correction can lead to more hurt.  Oh, man... . the world starts to spin and our inner world spins with it... . dizzy.  And I know that sense of despair for life itself. 

QE, there is a way through all of this.  Many people have tread this path before you and before me.  As awful and debilitating as it is... . and it really is... . there is a path forward... . and there are many here who have successfully navigated that path... . and they are here to help... . and they do help... . and to sort this out is in many ways one of the best ways you can love your amazing boys. 

Please keep posting.  Please. 

I have two boys, grown boys.  When I was in the depths of despair and utterly confused, the will to live was tied to my desire to not fail them.  It is not an expression of complete mental health, I will grant you that, but sometimes we need to find motivation wherever possible.  And, may I say, this "unique" collection of people on this site have revived me.  Don't tell anyone here I said this... . don't want to be too vulnerable!

Hope to hear more from you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Quantum-

I'm chiming in just to chime in, since I agree with growing and winston, but the pain in your post is palpable, I'm sorry you're going through that, and you mention you don't have anyone to talk to.  Well, I'm another, now you have 3, and there are many more here.  Like winston said, please keep posting, and you will find that you are not at all alone, and you will read things from people here that you could have written yourself because they sound so familiar.  There are also a lot of resources here that can help with your understanding, and a lot of parents with BPD spouses.

[Perfidy]

Hi QE, I also echo the greetings from those who have already welcomed you. We all know how hard it is to experience the irrational side of a pwBPD. Having to detach is understandably painful. We all work with one another here and are in various stages of detachment. Lots of good company here and I know how much it wears on people that don't understand. I have worn my family and friends down trying to get them to understand my PTSD. My family here can't get enough of my bs. Gotta love um!

[irishmarmot]

Hey Quantum,  irish here, I am new to this board also so now you have 4.  I have been reading a lot and the stories all seem to have the same ending.  But read and make your own conclusions.   I am here to support you.

[maxen]

make it 5! QE i'm so sorry for your pain, it sounds horrifying what you're in. we're all here for the same reason, we're here to support each other. please keep posting.

[Quantum Entangled]

WoW... . I don't even know how to thank u all. I hope u know what you're getting yourselves into, now you're all stuck with me. I mean... . is this what being understood feels like?  I came from a very rural mindset. You don't talk about these things. Especially if it's your lady. I have been reading, and reading and it's all so familiar. I've felt like I've been out on an island, afraid to say anything to anybody because the few times I tried to, I felt as if people would think I was the troubled one. I mean without exposure to a BPD, who would believe it? I wanted to save the world in my youth, so to be confronted with a person who completely lacks empathy... . even for her own children. She gets mad where people feel sympathy. As if she knows on some level that people feel for others and she doesn't. Like she's mad that she realizes a piece is missing. I am just so worried about my boys. 4 and 5. I am the maternal one. I feed and bathe and read and play and god forbid she change a diaper. I know now that what Winston said is so right. My boys are my strength. I need to separate and provide a place where doom and destruction and constant confrontation has no place. I think I've found a new home. If u don't mind I'd like to ride off the strength I hear in u guys for a while.

I truly thank u all so much.

[fromheeltoheal]

WoW... . I don't even know how to thank u all. I hope u know what you're getting yourselves into, now you're all stuck with me. I mean... . is this what being understood feels like?  I came from a very rural mindset. You don't talk about these things. Especially if it's your lady. I have been reading, and reading and it's all so familiar. I've felt like I've been out on an island, afraid to say anything to anybody because the few times I tried to, I felt as if people would think I was the troubled one. I mean without exposure to a BPD, who would believe it? I wanted to save the world in my youth, so to be confronted with a person who completely lacks empathy... . even for her own children. She gets mad where people feel sympathy. As if she knows on some level that people feel for others and she doesn't. Like she's mad that she realizes a piece is missing. I am just so worried about my boys. 4 and 5. I am the maternal one. I feed and bathe and read and play and god forbid she change a diaper. I know now that what Winston said is so right. My boys are my strength. I need to separate and provide a place where doom and destruction and constant confrontation has no place. I think I've found a new home. If u don't mind I'd like to ride off the strength I hear in u guys for a while.

I truly thank u all so much.

Hey, no problem, we all do it.  One thing is you're anonymous here, so you can talk about your lady, especially since you think your lady has a personality disorder.  I've pretty much tired out all my friends talking about my ex, and you're right, they don't understand, but folks here do; one of those things you have to live to understand.

You mention she's keeping you from your boys; do you live apart now?

[broken3]

Quantum,

Remember, you can only go up from the bottom.

Some of us here have been through the exact same or worse.And that should not take away from what you are feeling my friend.

You can read my intro. And find that there is light at the end of the tunnel. And you can have some resemblance of normalcy. For both you and your boys.