Our ego validation (dark and light)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have found a critical step in my process was to validate my own ego, importantly the dark side. Without this, I am not whole and not able to grow. I am curious if this was critical for you as well before self-love.

Since I was one who became the people pleaser, the light side of my ego was constantly validated throughout my life. The piece that was missing was validating my dark side. After 15 years of his torment, I found my dxBPDh was the safest (ironic, huh) place to do this. My anger, jealousy, doing what I wanted without caring about the consequence to those I love, and need for revenge started to come out.

I smashed a TV with a hammer (and had to go to the emergency room due to a bad cut; not a good scene at all). I cried for days/months, said I didn’t want to be a mother, and hate life (with my kids in ear shot  :'(). I hit my ex once on his back… although he told me he couldn’t even feel it, ugh  . I screamed and yelled. I told me ex he was worthless and wished he would disappear. An ever darker sexual side while incorporating light pain and sex came out too.

I feel like this was the little girl in me who needed to bite other kids in pre-school, not share, kick down the building blocks, have temper tantrums, etc. but never did because my father abandoned me and mother was so mentally ill that I was squeezing out the little love I could get.

Fortunately, I have since discovered my shadow side is just that; a shadow. Nonetheless, I had to validate it in a big way for a couple of years and now, let it come out every now and then to remind me.

To have sustainable self-love and compassion for others (including pwBPD), did you need to go through a similar process and find you have to continue to validate your dark side on-going?

[dontknow2]

I have found a critical step in my process was to validate my own ego, importantly the dark side. Without this, I am not whole and not able to grow. I am curious if this was critical for you as well before self-love.

Since I was one who became the people pleaser, the light side of my ego was constantly validated throughout my life. The piece that was missing was validating my dark side. After 15 years of his torment, I found my dxBPDh was the safest (ironic, huh) place to do this. My anger, jealousy, doing what I wanted without caring about the consequence to those I love, and need for revenge started to come out.

I smashed a TV with a hammer (and had to go to the emergency room due to a bad cut; not a good scene at all). I cried for days/months, said I didn’t want to be a mother, and hate life (with my kids in ear shot  :'(). I hit my ex once on his back… although he told me he couldn’t even feel it, ugh  . I screamed and yelled. I told me ex he was worthless and wished he would disappear. An ever darker sexual side while incorporating light pain and sex came out too.

I feel like this was the little girl in me who needed to bite other kids in pre-school, not share, kick down the building blocks, have temper tantrums, etc. but never did because my father abandoned me and mother was so mentally ill that I was squeezing out the little love I could get.

Fortunately, I have since discovered my shadow side is just that; a shadow. Nonetheless, I had to validate it in a big way for a couple of years and now, let it come out every now and then to remind me.

To have sustainable self-love and compassion for others (including pwBPD), did you need to go through a similar process and find you have to continue to validate your dark side on-going?

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't see it in light and dark sides, more in emotions.  I've learned that when we repress an emotion we repress them all, and I was stuck 'going through the motions' for years.  The crap that went down with my borderline awoke massive anger, anger like I had never felt before, unbridled rage at times, and it had a snowball effect in that I started getting angry at everything, replaying events from years past that had nothing to do with her and getting pissed off all over again.  That was the good news because obviously it was still in there, and the only way out is through.  I was very angry for months, a necessary process I've accepted, and now I've found that my capacity to love and connect has been awakened too.  I'm fresh out of tolerance for bullsht lately, and I'm either getting real with people or I'm wasting time.  My sex drive has increased too, which is welcome and fun.  And I tear up at little things all the time, the beauty of life.  It feels like I've woken up in general, weird and a little sad that it took time in hell with a borderline to do that, but it is what it is, and better late than never.

[dontknow2]

fromhealtoheel,

I love that you removed the positive/negative connotation of light/dark and keep it neutral. I find this important for myself but forget.

Although it sounds like you are further along than me, we are experiencing similar results from long periods of anger triggered by pwBPD... . waking up and an expanded capacity to love. You got some additional bonuses too 

Best

[laelle]

I never gave myself the right to be angry or in emotional pain.  Yes, I would get angry and in pain, but I suffered when I did.  It would trigger an endless spiral of pain because my mother did not allow justified anger.  She believed in me turning the other cheek, and sucking up the blame for others anger or disappointment in me.

It is a daily chore for me to "accept" that my anger is not bad.  I am not bad because I get angry.  I agree with dontknow2's take on this.  I could not integrate both aspects of myself.  I was cutting off my bad (negative emotions) and not allowing it.  My ex could have done any number of things to me and I would have forgiven it because I had no right to hold anger.  Through the pain of this relationship, I learned that it was ok to reject the way people treat me, and have the power to end it.  It is ok for me to hold a grudge, but it is also ok for me just to say Meh... . screw it.

[dontknow2]

Laelle,

Thank you for pulling anger out specifically... . Anger is not bad or negative in of itself. Anger lets me know when and gives me the oomph to protect myself (run fast, block hard, etc.). This is applies to both physical and emotional pain, critical to my survival.

I was also raised similarly, to be selfless. Other peoples needs matter. Suppressing my emotions that reminded me 'HEELLLO, YOU EXIST TOO' was the result... . sad really.

On a positive note, we are here... . unlearning and relearning (in my case, this is a spiral - doing this many times!). Learning to accept and protect our whole selves leading to better respect for others too.