Finally caught him... now what?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I don't understand myself... or what in the heck happened or why the hell I am still in this thing at all. I was prepared on Sat to break up, then he turned it on me and I panicked... . then he showed up here on Sunday night and drove me around looking for cars/houses... saying he wanted to be together, etc... I thought he was over it (and why the heck I was over it, makes no sense, its like I wanted to forget what he had done) and he was fine all day yesterday, then something triggered him to get pissed again and he started in on "what I did" on Saturday, twisted and turned it to where I am groveling and apologizing, then went cold. Today he was ignoring me, then blew up at me on FB messaging making me feel terrible, apologizing, groveling, etc... then he said he cannot be what I need, he can't commit, he can't give me what i need.  He said the reason I came and confronted him about lying on Saturday was because I wanted to tell him I needed a commitment sooner... . ? HUH? I said nothing like that.  He then said that he noted I had a "sense of urgency" about a future together. That makes no sense! I said nothign like that. So I asked him why he thought that, and if he did think it, why did he come and spend the past two days looking at houses to move in to, talk about taking our kids on spring break, etc... . I am so confused? He then says "I am done talking about it" tells me I need someone else and to stop messaging him on FB or he will block me.  What the hell is this? Why am I so weak that I still want him back (the good times)? This is sick and I know it is so wrong of me... how the hell did I get into a situation like this?  Oh he is also back on Match.com... before he even discussed any of this with me today.

[sadinnc98]

I don't understand myself... or what in the heck happened or why the hell I am still in this thing at all. I was prepared on Sat to break up, then he turned it on me and I panicked... . then he showed up here on Sunday night and drove me around looking for cars/houses... saying he wanted to be together, etc... I thought he was over it (and why the heck I was over it, makes no sense, its like I wanted to forget what he had done) and he was fine all day yesterday, then something triggered him to get pissed again and he started in on "what I did" on Saturday, twisted and turned it to where I am groveling and apologizing, then went cold. Today he was ignoring me, then blew up at me on FB messaging making me feel terrible, apologizing, groveling, etc... then he said he cannot be what I need, he can't commit, he can't give me what i need.  He said the reason I came and confronted him about lying on Saturday was because I wanted to tell him I needed a commitment sooner... . ? HUH? I said nothing like that.  He then said that he noted I had a "sense of urgency" about a future together. That makes no sense! I said nothign like that. So I asked him why he thought that, and if he did think it, why did he come and spend the past two days looking at houses to move in to, talk about taking our kids on spring break, etc... . I am so confused? He then says "I am done talking about it" tells me I need someone else and to stop messaging him on FB or he will block me.  What the hell is this? Why am I so weak that I still want him back (the good times)? This is sick and I know it is so wrong of me... how the hell did I get into a situation like this?  Oh he is also back on Match.com... before he even discussed any of this with me today.

[Tausk]

Sad:  I'm sorry it's so confusing and painful for you right now.  I understand. 

Perhaps seeing a therapist may help to sort through the difficulties.

It helped me a lot.  And staying on the board and writing and writing and reading and reading. 

But remember, stay safe. 

If I'm not sure what I'm doing, I better be sure to be safe.

[winston72]

Hey Sadinnc98.  Tausk's summary is succinct and spot on.

Your post resonated with me.  I feel like I could have written the very same words so many times.  As I read yours, I was thinking, "Order meets disorder."  You should be confused... . he was very confusing!  And when we try to realign such thoughts that are so out of alignment we end up all contorted ourselves. Exhausting.  Confusing.  Demoralizing.  Self doubt rises. 

I am reminded of what was posted here many times, the line from the movie War Games, "The only winning move is not to play."  As soon as you started your conversation with your SO, you were going to end up in a confused state.  And it is not about winning.  In this context, winning would be having a rational, sensible interaction.  It just cannot happen with someone who does not think clearly.  I am consciously not saying someone with BPD... . but look at his behavior.  it is a jumble of confused actions, intentions... . just a mess.  And the sequence of thought in the conversation... . well, it is all out of sequence. 

Just some thoughts on your post. 

[fromheeltoheal]

What the hell is this? Why am I so weak that I still want him back (the good times)? This is sick and I know it is so wrong of me... how the hell did I get into a situation like this?

Hi Sad-

I was in that exact situation, on a cruise ship in the middle of the Caribbean; I know exactly how you feel, I wanted to jump overboard, literally.  You're lost in the fog, don't know which way is up, are stressed and confused constantly.  A personality disorder will do a number on us when we're enmeshed in it.  I understand.

I liken it to what they tell you to do if you're being electrocuted, when you lose control of your muscles: throw yourself away from it, no thinking, just act.  When we got off the cruise ship I sprinted away from her; there was much more to process and heal from over the coming months, lots of stages, but getting away from her brought immediate relief and I never looked back.

Don't know what your situation is in detail, but can you go somewhere for a few days?  A relative or something?  I guarantee your thoughts and feelings will change with some distance, for at least a few days, and you can get your feet on the ground a little and start thinking more rationally, and the relief will be instant.  Take care a you!

[let-it-go]

I'll chime in with more of the same.  I played detective for 2 years and had, oh let's see, 8 confrontations, I think.  He apologized and admitted to it on 2 or 3 occasions and said all the things I wanted to hear.  But he continued the affairs, just changed the method and routine.

On other occasions I ended up begging for forgiveness after the confrontation - not b/c I believed I was wrong, but b/c I was scared and would say anything to get out of what became a seemingly dangerous situation.  And of course the affairs continued in these cases too.  Once your pwBPD realizes they can scare you into submission and get you off their case... . well, that's a living hell. 

So... . now you know.  Get out before you have years of a marriage, a house and kids with him.  Get out, get yourself some help and move on.  He WILL NOT change... . no matter what you say.  Trust me, I tried a different approach every time.  I got out 3 months ago.  I finally had enough.  You will get to that point too.  For your sake, I hope you get there sooner rather than later.

[sadinnc98]

Thank you all for the replies and insight, not sure what I would do without this board. I woke up feeling so sad again.  Some of his messages yesterday just truly bother me... . I feel like I have been toyed with and misled for 18 months. He was saying "I told you from day 1, I wasn't the one for you"  "You are fooling yourself if you think I am for you" "I can't start a life with you when my kids are 500 miles away" "I cant do a committed relationship that is permanent" "I have no confidence as a husband"  If all of this is true... why has he strung me along like this?

Ok, so all of those are legit things... but then why has he taken me to look at houses for months, cars for months, sending me photos of engagement rings and telling me to pick one out, etc?  He told me to contact my ex husband to discuss buying my old house from him, sent me to the car dealership to trade in my car for a truck for him and I take his car... . This was as recent as 2 days ago?  I was under the impression from what he told me that he was working through things and ready to move forward. On Sunday we came up with a plan to find a house by spring break so his kids could visit and he messaged me addresses to go look at them... . all initiated by him? Told me to go look at specific cars at the dealership that he was interested in. Told me we should game plan exactly where we want to live and set our budget.  What is this?  I asked him why he was on board on Sunday and moving forward if this isn't what he wanted? So confusing! This isn't even addressing his lying, cheating and treating me terribly quite often.


I see it so clearly now and it makes me so sad... . yet I am also sad to let go. I have tried all morning to unfriend him on Facebook but I can't yet... . I am sure he will do it first.  I know he is terrible for me and a very messed up person... . why so hard to let go?  We had big plans this weekend and I am going to really miss them.  

I am guessing he is really gone this time... . 33 recycles now I think?