Interesting...

[Stamp]

My uBPD partner is trying very hard to work on our relationship and it is, to say the least, interesting.  I recently mentioned to her that it was hard for me that we never were able to discuss things, that she would always make the plans or decisions, and if I suggested something it was immediately vetoed, even if, a while later, she would suggest the same thing herself.  In my ideal world, at least some of the time we would be able to discuss ideas and share decisions rather than having a unilateral decision making process.  It's always her saying 'we're doing this' or 'we're not doing that'.  She said that she understood and would try to discuss things with me rather than make all the decisions.

Yesterday I experimented by saying 'if you have any free time later, how would you feel about doing something fun together?'  She was doing some work on her computer at the time.  She did not answer, but immediately got up and went to take a shower.  After her shower I asked her again and she said, 'I heard you the first time, that's why I immediately stopped what i was doing and took a shower, so we could do whatever it was that you wanted to do.  Isn't that what we're supposed to do now?  That when you ask to do something I say yes?'

I told her I wanted to find something to do that we both would enjoy and she said that the idea of discussing options and sharing the decision making was making her really stressed, so that either she would decide or I would, but that there would be no give and take.  We ended up going out to dinner and coming home and watching a movie, which was pleasant except that halfway through I told her i was enjoying our 'date night' and she said 'please don't call it a date, the idea of being on a date and having expectations put on me makes me really stressed'.

I think this is progress, and it is fascinating to get a glimpse of how she experiences things so differently from me.

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[123Phoebe]

I think this is progress, and it is fascinating to get a glimpse of how she experiences things so differently from me.

It's great that you're able to stand back enough to see it this way, Stamp, and not take it personally.  She absolutely experiences life differently than you do.

I think a lot of pwBPD hate to feel controlled; makes them feel out of control   And expectations?  Oh boy... .   Expectations are the ultimate nemesis (can't control me!). 

Life sure is interesting and fascinating!  And can be a lot of fun, too

[an0ught]

I told her I wanted to find something to do that we both would enjoy and she said that the idea of discussing options and sharing the decision making was making her really stressed, so that either she would decide or I would, but that there would be no give and take.  We ended up going out to dinner and coming home and watching a movie, which was pleasant except that halfway through I told her i was enjoying our 'date night' and she said 'please don't call it a date, the idea of being on a date and having expectations put on me makes me really stressed'.

I think this is progress, and it is fascinating to get a glimpse of how she experiences things so differently from me.

You may not have liked her statement which is understandable as it was blatantly invalidating to you. However on the bright side she was self validating and that is a real positive considering to the alternative: "yes, great date" but becoming slightly dysregulated and acting odd.

[Stamp]

You may not have liked her statement which is understandable as it was blatantly invalidating to you. However on the bright side she was self validating and that is a real positive considering to the alternative: "yes, great date" but becoming slightly dysregulated and acting odd.

I did, indeed, feel as though there was this bright side.  She has been making huge efforts lately to do what she perceives as the 'right things to do' to save the relationship.  Granted, a lot of the things she does are way off mark because she does not experience emotions the way I do, but I can certainly see the effort.