What got you hooked into your relationship with your pwBPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I had known my pwBPD for years before we started dated- he had dated a friend and she decided to switch teams, so to speak.  After a few months he asked me to go swimming with him. I had been single for about 8 years.  Not that I didn't have lovers or booty calls, but no one I would claim as "boyfriend". He then tried to turn that into a sexual moment, which I wasn't too comfortable with on the first date, so I went home.  He called me the next day and we went out, and he kissed me.  It was so electric, I totally threw all caution to the wind and slept with him.  It was the best sex I ever had in my life.  From there he told me how beautiful I was.  He told me stories of his work, and he sure did sound like he was a master of his craft(and he could back it up).  A touch a arrogance, which I always find attractive (working on that).  Tall, handsome, and funny.  Educated and athletic.  Strong and vulnerable.  Really good at maneuvering himself into situations and scenes that I was active in, to fit into my life.  Like a piece of the puzzle- it just seemed so karmic and deep.  Just add dude.  Perfect.  Fun.  I waited a year before we moved in together, just like the books say to do.  We were together for 5.  It wasn't bad for a long time.  It happened so slowly.  And then the end happened so quickly.

I had heard of borderline personality disorder, but never really associated it with anyone I knew.  I was not educated on the subject, but now I look at my friend list and see personality disordered people throughout my life.  I wonder why I am so seriously drawn to this personality type.  I have felt such a resonance with personality disordered people- when I meet these people I feel like I've known them my whole life- it's such a strong feeling.  I can joke now that if I really like someone, they must be disordered.  I don't like drama, but I am into excitement and adventure.  I think there is a fine line between those two.  I have traditionally been pretty bad a setting boundaries or keeping them in place if someone has busted through.  I'm seeing where I don't have a great self esteem- you know, self employed and able to pay the bills.  No benefits, no retirement.  I think when I look back at my ex I see myself being swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor.  I felt like he was rescuing me, he felt so strong and safe.  And boy, did I have it wrong.  I have been able to regain footing finally- emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  I am not the woman I was before- a bitter taste remains.   I'm not sure that I wouldn't fall for the same package though, and that scares me.  I'm not sure how to trust myself in relationships, especially new.  And I'm talking platonic, because I'm not in a place (geographically or emotionally) where I want to date someone.  I find myself doubting my judgement and their intentions.  But hey, I hope that I have grown and I won't make the same mistakes again.

[starshine]

I had known my pwBPD for years before we started dated- he had dated a friend and she decided to switch teams, so to speak.  After a few months he asked me to go swimming with him. I had been single for about 8 years.  Not that I didn't have lovers or booty calls, but no one I would claim as "boyfriend". He then tried to turn that into a sexual moment, which I wasn't too comfortable with on the first date, so I went home.  He called me the next day and we went out, and he kissed me.  It was so electric, I totally threw all caution to the wind and slept with him.  It was the best sex I ever had in my life.  From there he told me how beautiful I was.  He told me stories of his work, and he sure did sound like he was a master of his craft(and he could back it up).  A touch a arrogance, which I always find attractive (working on that).  Tall, handsome, and funny.  Educated and athletic.  Strong and vulnerable.  Really good at maneuvering himself into situations and scenes that I was active in, to fit into my life.  Like a piece of the puzzle- it just seemed so karmic and deep.  Just add dude.  Perfect.  Fun.  I waited a year before we moved in together, just like the books say to do.  We were together for 5.  It wasn't bad for a long time.  It happened so slowly.  And then the end happened so quickly.

I had heard of borderline personality disorder, but never really associated it with anyone I knew.  I was not educated on the subject, but now I look at my friend list and see personality disordered people throughout my life.  I wonder why I am so seriously drawn to this personality type.  I have felt such a resonance with personality disordered people- when I meet these people I feel like I've known them my whole life- it's such a strong feeling.  I can joke now that if I really like someone, they must be disordered.  I don't like drama, but I am into excitement and adventure.  I think there is a fine line between those two.  I have traditionally been pretty bad a setting boundaries or keeping them in place if someone has busted through.  I'm seeing where I don't have a great self esteem- you know, self employed and able to pay the bills.  No benefits, no retirement.  I think when I look back at my ex I see myself being swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor.  I felt like he was rescuing me, he felt so strong and safe.  And boy, did I have it wrong.  I have been able to regain footing finally- emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  I am not the woman I was before- a bitter taste remains.   I'm not sure that I wouldn't fall for the same package though, and that scares me.  I'm not sure how to trust myself in relationships, especially new.  And I'm talking platonic, because I'm not in a place (geographically or emotionally) where I want to date someone.  I find myself doubting my judgement and their intentions.  But hey, I hope that I have grown and I won't make the same mistakes again.

[Tolou]

Hi... .

I think you have a lot of insight.  And not making the same mistakes should be somethng for you to remember.  No one is perfect, not even our soul-mate if we are lucky enough to find them.  But do learn from your past it is imporant to help you forward.  Listen to your gut and be aware of the red flags when you see them, be verbal and question something when you feel the need to.  We are usually attracted to what we are familiar with.  I don't know if your in therapy or need it?  But sometimes it can help to have someone rational mind to discuss your feeling with and thoughts.

5 years is long time. but waiting a year before moving in, that sounded pretty responsible of the two of you  Disordered or not sometimes things do not work our because they are just not meant to be.  It is hard when they quicky turn sour after that amount of time togeather, but what can you do when someone doesn't feel the same way you do?

Try to grow fro this experience and moving forward finding healthier relationships? good luck

[happylogist]

I think when I look back at my ex I see myself being swept off my feet by a knight in shining armor.  I felt like he was rescuing me, he felt so strong and safe.  And boy, did I have it wrong.  I have been able to regain footing finally- emotionally, financially, and spiritually.  I am not the woman I was before- a bitter taste remains.

So true for myself as well!

I don't like drama, but I am into excitement and adventure

Can you recall any relationships that you had no matter with whom that fit into these criteria? Including friends, family members  -  the ones that were/are exciting and adventurous, but without drama and push/pull?

[goldylamont]

her looks, her devotion and how much we enjoyed doing the same things. and by same things i mean lots of things we mutually enjoyed before even meeting each other (i.e. not idealization).

[fromheeltoheal]

Her flirty, effervescent personality showed up at a time when I was very lonely and susceptible.  We talked for hours on the phone, she hung on every word, we found countless things in common, never ran out of things to talk about.  She screamed like a banshee in bed, followed by sweat-soaked cuddling that was instantly comfortable and felt like home.  It was mainlining feel-good, a heavy, heavy buzz, and I ate it up, suddenly had a reason to live, a focus shift, everything got brighter.

Turns out the her she showed me was a fiction, a fabrication, an extremely effective one, so effective it seemed she believed it herself for a time.  But by the time I saw her for who she really is I was addicted to the feel-good, would do anything to get back there.  Her fantasy had died by then, so it was time to off her issues on me, use me as a scapegoat for her strife, and I found myself trying to climb a ladder while being beat on the head.  That didn't last long, the reality was just too glaring. 

Heroin, cocaine, alcohol, pot, meth, borderline love, I've done them all, they feed a part of me that is always smoldering and easy to fire, hard to contain, self destructive, best avoided.  The right folks and the right lifestyle keep the lid on it and my focus elsewhere.  Sustainable, content, happy love still eludes me, but I think I know what it is and I'm sure I'm capable.  Stay tuned for updates... .

[Cardinals in Flight]

She pursued me, interested in everything I did, put me first and treated me like I had always desired!

I became hooked because 1) my parents were both emotionally unavailable (lonely child) 2) I am a caretaker in co-dependent ways when I'm not paying close attention, took care of my mother when dad left, raised younger sister and was everyone's "rock" at 12 years old  3) I knew I was gay, tried unsuccessfully to talk to my mom, no go! Always felt "conditionally loved", took all sorts of 'hoop jumping' to make THAT conversation go away.

Of course the X had MAJOR childhood trauma, I felt such compassion and empathy for her.  When should would rage or have a tantrum, I could aways see that devestated little girl, and forgiveness was easy.  I even learned from many lessons here how to be "better in the rs", not enough, I couldn't stand the poor treatment any longer.

CiF

[starshine]

I don't like drama, but I am into excitement and adventure

[color=black]Can you recall any relationships that you had no matter with whom that fit into these criteria? Including friends, family members  -  the ones that were/are exciting and adventurous, but without drama and push/pull? [/color]


Yes, I have a few long term balanced relationships with people that I have done fun and adventurous things with.  I also have a bunch of personality disordered people in my circle, so it's interesting.  I tend to not hang out with too many of the disordered ones these days, but I do have a few that I am close with.  I am just very aware now, and watch for the signs to back out and off.  I am mostly nurturing the healthy relationships with the healthy people I know.  A lot of folks have been placed in the "Why Bother?" catagory.  

[dharmagems]

Fromheeltoheel,

I agree, I put borderline love up there with cocaine, pot, alchohol, etc.  That's how addictive it is for us who never got that 'unconditional' feeling of love as a child.

[TheDude]

The classic white knight falls for the femme fatale disguised as damsel in distress.

Something that's only obvious in hindsight... .

[Turkish]

White night, codependent, rescuing the waif. My desire to have the nuclear family I was denied by circumstance and later my moms life choices due to her horrible FOO. Why, when all the warning signs were there in the first few weeks of being friends, did I proceed? She started the push pull from the first date. Flat out telegraphed a pathilogical fear of marriage (commitment), yet still I continued, while thinking, "I don't have much in common with this person." Unlike most here, never remember feeling, "I'm deeply in love with this person." Near the end, she felt it, though after she went out on me, I think I finally realized that I did. Maybe I don't know how to love? That confuses me. This was my first LTR, starting in my late 30s. Some of her criticisms of me I think are legitimate, though lost in the fog of her textbook BPD behaviors. Sometimes I think I was born a generation too late. And I damaged further an abandoned little girl who even in her late 20s at the time, needed a few more dysfunctional relationships to grow, despite her burning desire to have kids. Well, she got them from me, and I from her. This is life now... .

[dontknow2]

starshine, Boy have I spent serious time pondering the hook, goodness gracious. Thank you for asking! After (too many) years of analysis, I realize my unconscious picked, good nor bad, the relationship with my dxBPDh as my platform to wake up and face myself. Since it was my unconscious doing the deciding, I can't tell you for sure how my unconscious knew but have many theories (many of them already covered here). Nonetheless, that was my hook.

Maybe I don't know how to love? That confuses me. This was my first LTR, starting in my late 30s. Some of her criticisms of me I think are legitimate, though lost in the fog of her textbook BPD behaviors. Sometimes I think I was born a generation too late. And I damaged further an abandoned little girl who even in her late 20s at the time, needed a few more dysfunctional relationships to grow, despite her burning desire to have kids. Well, she got them from me, and I from her. This is life now... .

Turkish, I just want to give you a hug. I am learning to love myself too. As I learn more, I look back at so many mistakes and ways I hurt others especially my kids  :'( What I do know is that I keep fighting to love me, all of me, and will share it with as many people as I can as it grows. I will heal so much more than I ever hurt to get here. You have clearly made it a long way on learning how to love... . you are here helping so many people.  

[elemental]

He seemed to tap into a secret part of me that no one else ever saw.

It was this lovely romantic thing. He sent me this song, Eyes on Me, by Faye Wong and said probably this is a little softer than what you are used to.

I had this pain in my heart over other things that had been happening and I played this song... you can find it on youtube and it was like someone poured opium over my heart and I felt this intense rush of pain and tears and it was like being hit by a bolt of lightning. After that, the pain has only been gone when I felt we were ok.

I never felt it before or since with anyone but him.  

He is giving me the silent treatment again. I feel like it's going to crack me apart.

[myself]

I worked on myself, before and after a divorce, and took the time to be alone before dating. I focused on my health and children. I felt ready for a relationship, but didn't rush it. My now-ex was someone I had known in the past. There had always been a mutual attraction, so when we got together things happened. Too fast, I see now, but she presented herself as someone who had come through life with balance. She seemed fun, adventurous, sexy, smart. The deeper we got, the more I saw beneath the surface. She mirrored me to get her needs met. I accepted the mirroring to get mine met, too. Loneliness got me involved, and is why I stayed. I was hooked on illusions of sharing. Finding it a one way street, I focused on myself again.

[nolisan]

I was 3 years sober in AA and met her in an AlAnon meeting. She had 20+ years of "recovery" and on the surface seemed to have her stuff together despite a lot of trauma.

I thought she was a "gift of sobriety" and almost made her my Higher Power. But as an old timer told me "If you are looking for romance in a 12 step room your odds are good - the problem is "the goods are often odd". Too true!

[bb12]

Waif symptoms. like they needed help. I could define who I was. I had a role.

Then aloofness. hard to read them. that got me hooked

Then treating me badly... . treat 'em mean. keep 'em keen!... . I wanted to please them and prove that what They were saying about me was wrong

Then complete emotional and physical withdrawal... . just couldn't believe how quickly they could dismiss our time together and completely move on with no thought of me ever again.

and finally silent treatment... . drove me crazy that I could never get answers or closure.

In hindsight, these are linear. A sequence of manoeuvres designed to manipulate and extract supply.

Embarrassed to report I gave that supply to him in spades. 

bb12

[Madison66]

All the attention.  All the "love".  All the WAIF victim stories.  All the sex.  All the sex.  All the sex.  In the end, even all the sex didn't make it real r/s... .

[growing_wings]

ohh to begin with, she game soo much attention. I was feeling vulnerable as i was going through some rough patch, so she came with two needs:

1. she asked to be rescued! and her i was. i took sense of self by helping her. and she told me i was the best that happened to her, that i was amazing, so understanding, so intelligent, so so, i could do no wrong. It was amazing, how she looked at me with admiration, she mirrored me... etc.etc... i was in heaven.

2. She "took" care of me too. she seemed to care so much.

that combo meant it was the two of us against the "cruel" world.  she was my analgesic, i didnt need to care about the issues i was having in my personal life, life was good with her.

she became the center of my world. during the 10 months, i felt more and more in love with her, but it was not love, it was ADDICTION, it was neediness from BOTH sides. after 5months or so things got nasty, and i normalized everything she did in order to keep getting support, etc... then things got REALLY really nasty... .

[growing_wings]

We talked for hours on the phone, she hung on every word, we found countless things in common, never ran out of things to talk about. 

same for me. We had SOO many things in common. they mirror us... . we think we found the un-existing elusive holy grail... .

it was true. it didnt exist. It was all a fabricated thing.

having said above, i fell for it because of my own neediness and un-resolved issues

[Dog biscuit]

Initial it there was a physical attraction, just that, nothing more.

I cannot get a clear picture in my head of what hooked me in... . the suicide of his ex gf and the shockwave it created made it possible for him to get closer to me, than I would have alowed under more normal circumstances. Everything was upside down, all defences were gone, he was a mess, and I was a mess.

I let my guard down because of the bizarre circumstances, and his helplessness/vulnarability. I didnt know what to do other than to be there for him at that time. Thats how he creeped in, I felt it happening and it scared me to the bone, because it was going to fast. I could not let him go because he said he wouldnt survive it. I wanted to let him go, because it became to much for me to bear. but was to affraid of what he would do to himself if I left him at that time.

I kept his head above the water, he clinged onto to me franticaly. When it became to much for me to bear I and I felt overwhelmed and drained because of his grief and despair, he told me that he couldnt survive without me. He told me he would die or go crazy if i would let go.

It was so hard, it scared me so much. I felt trapped and scared, I felt like a hostage of the situation. I just couldnt let go. First because I was scared he wouldnt surivive, later on because I fell madly in love with him.

He needed me. That was the hook, I think. :'(