I sent this...

[Depression = 72% of members]

After she was a b!tch to me when I was trying to show sympathy. I broke NC... Had been thinking about her really hard all day. When I called she was crying and said she st in the garage with the car running for an hour. When I tried to show concern she blasted me saying I ruined her life. This is the opposite of the truth. I've never red of anyone more BPD than her. I've been studying up on this for the better part of a year and she's the most extreem case I've heard of. Anyway, I got fed up tonight and sent this email. Is that bad? I actually feel better now. Enjoy:

I know you are used to getting these final emails from your suitors/victims once you have screwed them over so I won't assume this phases you in the least. One would have to have feelings for that to be the case.

There is but one point I wanted to articulate. You keep implying and flat out saying that I am the cause for your current situation. In the year prior to our meeting you let your house (Miles Home) go into foreclosure yet you were "baking", you got an eviction notice from Chuck after three months, got a reckless driving ticket and strep from kissing a fat girl in a bar. These are just the things I happen to know of and fails to mention the years prior to that.

My life on the other hand was great. I had been clean/sober for years and had a great life. I do again actually. I'm maybe 3 months from being back where I was before you.

I keep going back to the fact that you are a 34 year old mother and as soon a we separated your mind was on screwing a drug dealer and doing drugs instead of making and keeping a home for your child. You've let me know every chance you get about how you've been passed around to anyone that is interested. The fact that your mind is on finding a new relationship and getting drunk/high in your current situation points directly to the core issue. Before we separated everyone was telling you that you needed professional help and you had me checking into rehabs. What happened to that? It was determined that you didn't need help? Ever thought of doing something positive instead of trying to f**k up everyone's life you come into contact with?

Since we separated the three times I've seen you were when you were spending the night screwing the drug dealer, last Thursday when you were hammered and wrecking your car and tonight with your fake suicide act to get attention. People that do that never speak of it. Of this I am certain.

I'm disgusted by you. You are gross as sh!t. I'm ashamed that I was ever seen in public with you let alone went on a single date with you. You are absolutely right. I will never touch you again. It's is indeed "not there" anymore. I have no desire to have a drug/booze wh!re that has no morals or values. Good luck with your chosen path. I looks like it;s really working out. You can have a divorce anytime you wish. Didn't we separate last Feb?

[buddy1226]

After she was a b!tch to me when I was trying to show sympathy. I broke NC... Had been thinking about her really hard all day. When I called she was crying and said she st in the garage with the car running for an hour. When I tried to show concern she blasted me saying I ruined her life. This is the opposite of the truth. I've never red of anyone more BPD than her. I've been studying up on this for the better part of a year and she's the most extreem case I've heard of. Anyway, I got fed up tonight and sent this email. Is that bad? I actually feel better now. Enjoy:

I know you are used to getting these final emails from your suitors/victims once you have screwed them over so I won't assume this phases you in the least. One would have to have feelings for that to be the case.

There is but one point I wanted to articulate. You keep implying and flat out saying that I am the cause for your current situation. In the year prior to our meeting you let your house (Miles Home) go into foreclosure yet you were "baking", you got an eviction notice from Chuck after three months, got a reckless driving ticket and strep from kissing a fat girl in a bar. These are just the things I happen to know of and fails to mention the years prior to that.

My life on the other hand was great. I had been clean/sober for years and had a great life. I do again actually. I'm maybe 3 months from being back where I was before you.

I keep going back to the fact that you are a 34 year old mother and as soon a we separated your mind was on screwing a drug dealer and doing drugs instead of making and keeping a home for your child. You've let me know every chance you get about how you've been passed around to anyone that is interested. The fact that your mind is on finding a new relationship and getting drunk/high in your current situation points directly to the core issue. Before we separated everyone was telling you that you needed professional help and you had me checking into rehabs. What happened to that? It was determined that you didn't need help? Ever thought of doing something positive instead of trying to f**k up everyone's life you come into contact with?

Since we separated the three times I've seen you were when you were spending the night screwing the drug dealer, last Thursday when you were hammered and wrecking your car and tonight with your fake suicide act to get attention. People that do that never speak of it. Of this I am certain.

I'm disgusted by you. You are gross as sh!t. I'm ashamed that I was ever seen in public with you let alone went on a single date with you. You are absolutely right. I will never touch you again. It's is indeed "not there" anymore. I have no desire to have a drug/booze wh!re that has no morals or values. Good luck with your chosen path. I looks like it;s really working out. You can have a divorce anytime you wish. Didn't we separate last Feb?

[Learning_curve74]

Hey buddy, when she is wrecking her own life and blaming you for it, nobody would blame you for being angry and wanting to write her to set her straight on the facts. You are fed up and rightfully so!

Where do you plan to go from here?

[love4meNOTu]

Hi buddy... .

I too, wrote an email like that to my exhusband.

Look... he didn't even read it. Or if he did, it didn't make any sort of impression. Even though I said the things I wanted to say, I wish I hadn't sent the email. I think now, that he is not entitled to anything from me, not even my anger.

He just doesn't deserve my emotional energy. My ex is not a good person, just like your ex. All they care about is themselves, and not the impact they have on the people who love them and their kids.

I know you want to argue with her silly accusations, but that's what they are, silly and illogical. My ex was the same, in a completely different reality of his own. Nothing I said or did made any difference in the end. The result was the same. And thank god for that... if I had somehow gotten through to him I would still be with him today. And that is NOT a place I wish to be. He is toxic.

sorry... .

L

[buddy1226]

Thanks y'all. Up until this point I had been holding my tongue and been a doormat. The more I did that, the more abuse and her trying to rub sh!t in my face. Trying to hurt me in subtle ways by telling me about her new life. I was good to this witch. Very good. I'm just fed up now and not taking her crap anymore.

She's sick and there is no getting through to her. I'm just glad I got to ret it all out. There is much more I'd like to hash out but like love4me said. I could go in circles with her with pointed facts and never accomplish a thing.

Thanks for your support! you guys are the best!

[growing_wings]

He just doesn't deserve my emotional energy. My ex is not a good person, just like your ex. All they care about is themselves

wise words from love4me... .

buddy, venting your anger is ok, it is part of healing. Do it in a way that does not involve her, do exercise, write letters to her (although i would not send her anything really, i just open more doors i want to close), my T recommended me to imagine i am talking to her (bit mental?) and i tell her all i need to get my anger out. Getting in touch with them is a bit futile as you just feed their narcissism by seeing you angry... .

acceptance will come sooner than we all think (if we go through all the stages including anger released in a safe manner wihtout hurting others of course)

[tiredndown]

Hey buddy1226,

Weather or not you sent it, you needed to write it. It is almost closure for yourself being able to articulate your feelings to her without being interrupted.  You know it will do her no good, but most likely helped YOU.

[GreenMango]

Hey Buddy

I sent a couple of pissed off messages too.   

After the fact this is what I kind of figured out besides being upset with myself to stooping to the other persons level.  Most people have a schema or a script.   People with BPD have a couple of scripts (schemas) playing in their head.   One of them is the abandonment schema and the another is the detached protector.  There's a couple more that are usually associated with BPD coping skills. 

This particular schema tells a person everyone will betray you or leave you or hurt you.   Where this applies to your note is the how this kind of pays out in real time.   There's a term professionals have called projective identification.   Wikipedia has a quick and easy about it here:

Projective identification is a term introduced byMelanie Klein to describe the process whereby in a close relationship, as between mother and child, lovers, or therapist and patient, parts of the self may in unconscious fantasy be thought of as being forced into the other person.[1]While based on Freud's concept of psychological projection,[2] projective identification represents a step beyond. In R.D. Laing's words, “The one person does not use the other merely as a hook to hang projections on. He strives to find in the other, or to induce the other to become, the very embodiment of projection”.[3] Feelings which can not be consciously accessed are defensively projected into another person in order to evoke the thoughts or feelings projected.[4]

Basically it's a self fulfilling prophecy.   If you have the abandoned child schema and you believe people are always going to hurry you or leave you you can unconsciously provoke these reactions in others to match your reality.   It validates the worthless or unlovable feelings a person with BPD may have about themselves.

Sometimes the way that this happens is to treat people in such a way as to leave very few options for them other than abandonment.  This reinforces the erroneous beliefs the person may have about people, life and themselves... . That everyone leaves them, people are only going to hurt them, and life is horrible.

What can happen is that this script then shifts to the other schemas, the angry child with inappropriate behavior,  the impulsive child with poor choices, the detached protector with the thought that is everyone else is not my behavior,  and the punitive parent with the self punishment.   And so the disorder spins around.

Sometimes,  as partners or ex partners,  we can really exacerbate the problems in the relationship with our responses.   Getting locked into reacting not knowing what's actually going on doing a lot of harm both ways.   This is what they can the dysfunctional dance.   It's hard to pull away from.

Most of the time we walk into these relationships with matched or complementary maturity.   One of the ways to make the retreat less painful long run is try and wall out of learning a few things and with more maturity than we came in with. 

Keep reading and take good care of yourself.   These fights towards the end are rarely going to help a person find some closure.

[buddy1226]

Awesome! Thanks Mango!

[Tausk]

Hey Bud:

I understand the anger. On this side we all do.  I found out that my ex had been cheating on me for a year and half and had her back up all ready for the weekend after we broke up.    

I've tried to depersonalize it.  Nothing I say will make a difference to her.  Not because she won't take responsibility, but because she can't.  She has a Disorder. She's a traumatized three year old.  It's like yelling at that three year old who stole the cookie. The can feel the shame, but they aren't developed enough to take responsibility for their actions.

You've sent the letter.  I sent one, and although I know that it wasn't taken like I hoped (she called the cops on me), I did feel at least a bit better regarding getting some things out and said.  

But in the end I know it was destructive.  And now, I know there's no more point in doing it again.  I've gotten my closure.  It's time to work on myself.

I promised myself that before I sent another letter telling her that she's an evil cheating sociopath who's brought shame to everyone she's come in contact with…….I'll post the letter on the Board first for feedback.

Because I know that in the end, my ex will feel the same as if I had screamed at a three year old.  It didn't help her.  Maybe me a bit, but not really.

I hope you're finding some serenity.  Keep posting and venting.  Your anger is valid and real.  There's nothing wrong with anger.  It just is.  But how we respond to our anger is what determines constructive or destructive outcomes.

Our exes have almost no choice in that they almost automatically must vent their anger outwards in a destructive fashion.

WE CAN BE DIFFERENT from them if we choose to be.

In support

T

[tiredndown]

Spot on tausk, Spot on

[buddy1226]

I hear ya, Tausk. A very small part of me feels sorry now especially after reading your post. You have no idea the hell she put me through. She does know though and I think she enjoyed it. It was awful but ultimately I'm to blame for staying.