So upset right now

[jp254958]

I've been doing really, really well for a long time now but this weekend has been a hard one for some reason.  I am having so much difficulty accepting the reality that I was a victim of a smear campaign and lost a lot of credibility among people I cared about at an animal rescue, but my exBPDgf (who works at the rescue) is viewed like she's this kind, amazing person.  I was banished from the rescue and threatened with police action if I went near the rescue sight, but this was not the result of something I did wrong as it was my ex began to violently push me and I physically restrained her arms to stop her from pushing me.  She bit my arm and I let her go (she clearly went nuts) and the next day I was sent an email from the head of the golden retriever rescue that I was not to return anymore.

I'm so livid and saddened by the fact that they can look like sweet little angels in the public eye when in reality they're manipulative, cruel, emotionally dysregulated people.  I know that I'm only a victim if I let myself be one, and I know that my own codependency issues are likely what attracted some like my ex into my life (and likely why I was attracted to her), but I'm having trouble dealing right now.

She's likely off with some guy tonight and doing the same thing to him that she did to me (and to all the men before me, including her poor ex husband), but I feel the need for some justice today.  For her to be exposed for who she really is.  For the curtain to fall an unearth the truth about how she treated me and others.

I hate the fact that I'm sitting her sad and upset but that she is probably enmeshed with someone else and isn't even thinking about me.  I learned a lot of things about myself as a result of my relationship with her, and I've been going to CoDA for over a year, but it bothers me.  I'm embarrassed to admit it but I want her to hurt bad.  And I want her to hurt bad over me.  I know she's haunted by her own childhood issues, but it makes me made that she's able to have someone else in her life and move on without a second thought, whereas I'm single and have no one and am thinking about her right now. 

I hate how unfair this all is.  And I guess the only answer is to suck it up and deal with the fact that life's unfair (something she told me once, ironically, when she was in one of her psycho stages), but I want life to be fair.  I want her ripped down.  I want me to move on and I don't know why I'm not because I've tried SO HARD.  And I'm here and she's wherever doing whatever... . and the people we knew think I'm awful and that she's an angel. 

I hate the fact that I'm even wishing her ill will but I have to be honest... . I do right now.  At many points I've felt compassion for her and wished her well in life, but today I don't.  Today I want life to be fair and give what she deserves.  I want karma to take a stand.

[Spartan999]

You're not alone.   This is the only place where your experience will be understood.    Stay strong.   Stay here for the next many months.   And.   It's NOT you.   You can not fix her.     You can not.    Read up !   Better things ahead.   You can't see right now. 

[Surnia]

Hi jp

I hear your anger and sadness. 

I think its okay to have these days too, where we don't feel compassion or even worse. Acceptance for our own emotions as well. 

For a longer perspective you said it yourself, life is sometimes not fair. You will get through it, like you did it before, JP.

[arn131arn]

JP, do yourself a favor, go buy one of those $40 voice recorders.  When you see or talk to her, tape record the conversations. They tell so many lies, they can no longer differentiate the true from the false.  When you have her admitting to something or contradicting herself, play it for the people at the rescue and punch holes in her story.

We need to stand united as men, these women are abusers, mine was a silent abuser.  Everything she said I did to her... . SHE DID TO ME!

Their own words and actions are what's going to be their downfall

[heartandwhole]

jp,

I'm so sorry that you had to leave the animal rescue, I would have been very upset, too.  It feels so unfair and frustrating and hurtful to be portrayed as something we aren't. 

Your feelings are very understandable, and I know anger and revenge feelings can be hard to accept – they are for me, too.  They will pass.  There is a lot of hurt underneath there, and it's normal and very okay. 

I'm glad you reached out here, you are doing the right thing by feeling what's there and asking for support.  This is the healing process, jp, and you are doing great.  Keep posting.