How long does idealization phase typically last for

[Murbay]

Average seems to be about three months. All but impossible to hold the mask for much longer!

So very true and it was a literal mask at that. She wore heavy makeup because she was afraid if I saw her, I wouldn't like her. She mirrored me as much as possible but was anxious I wouldn't like her otherwise. No matter how many times I told her to just be herself.

At the 3 month point, she had a major crisis one night and I rushed round to help out. She ended things a couple of days later "because I was not supposed to see that side of her" No amount of telling her that I accepted her for all of her was enough, it felt like I was being kept at arms length. That was definitely the start of the decline.

I'm pretty certain when it gets to 6 months, I will just become another "never happened"

Found out tonight about replacement, it was 4 days short of 6 months so that prediction was definitely correct. Time to set the watch and by March/April the decline will begin. By June I have no doubt the next replacement will be on the scene.

The worst part is the lengths she has gone to to keep it secret, while still keeping me on text for validation. I suspect she thought I might keep for later if all else fails. I'm not that stupid.

[growing_wings]

January 4, 2012 to September 9, 2013.

1 year, eight months. Things rapidly deteriorated after our one year anniversary. Rapidly.

and no problem!

sorry, just noticed my typo in my earlier post... . We married in January 2012, not January 2013.

It's funny... . with voldy I noticed that he would dysregulate considerably on "occasions" - our 6 months, my birthday, valentines day... . almost as if the stress of the expectation triggered him.  Do you think that could have come into play?

Mazda, in my experience stress affects a lot. social events, important deadlines at work,  celebrations (bdays, valentines, xmas), someone else getting a promotion or a graduation... . all of them threw her over board.

[Mazda]

Love,

In a way it's a blessing in disguise.  If those things didn't happen to dysregulate your ex, you may still be together.  It was a quick marriage and a lucky escape.

Voldy's grandmother passed away a few days after his wedding and I hope it helps reveal his true colours sooner.  At the end of last year I heard that his family member said it had been the best year of their lives.  Nice to know that I cried every single day and that was he case for them.  I hope the ables are turned this year.

[delusionalxox]

For me, if I found out that uBPDex was living happily and successfully, it would be a sort of nightmare not because I directly want him to suffer (I don't THINK I do... .  although get the odd impotently vengeful thought) but because it would feel like a kind of 'proof' that I am the crazy useless piece of hit he said I was... . he said many times that I was aging, would not get another man like him, was lucky to have him (LOL! yeah dead lucky, to be dumped pregnant and lied to for months... . ) was crazy,  a nightmare, impossible, destined to be alone etc etc.

And a lot of narcissistic self praise about how sought after he was, so many offers from  young pretty women. Ugh.

To see him happily moved on and also successful at his work would make me feel that perhaps he was right, the problem was me... even though I know he behaved vilely all the way through and particularly at the end with his affair and abandonment combined with the most vicious projections and lies.

[Tausk]

For me, if I found out that uBPDex was living happily and successfully, it would be a sort of nightmare not because I directly want him to suffer (I don't THINK I do... .  although get the odd impotently vengeful thought) but because it would feel like a kind of 'proof' that I am the crazy useless piece of  he said I was... . he said many times that I was aging, would not get another man like him, was lucky to have him (LOL! yeah dead lucky, to be dumped pregnant and lied to for months... . ) was crazy,  a nightmare, impossible, destined to be alone etc etc.

And a lot of narcissistic self praise about how sought after he was, so many offers from  young pretty women. Ugh.

To see him happily moved on and also successful at his work would make me feel that perhaps he was right, the problem was me... even though I know he behaved vilely all the way through and particularly at the end with his affair and abandonment combined with the most vicious projections and lies.

I can relate so much.  My ex married the guy she cheated on me with.  And there are times when I can find peace and pray for their happiness in earnest, and there are times when I just want them to end in a murder/suicide to validate my feelings and experiences. 

But usually the latter of the two feelings are when I am lost in self-pity and fear.    And I also realize that the latter state once again places my self-worth in terms of the actions of my ex. 

When she was happy I felt worthy; when she was angry, I felt deficient.

I don't want to live with the above statement or with the opposite:

If she fails I was worthy; If she is successful, I am deficient.

Both statements are just opposite sides of the same coin.

Instead, I try and detach and say, it doesn't matter what she says, does, or is... . I am me. 

[hybridax]

So my ex left me and moved across the country and has been living with my replacement ever since. its been almost 2 months now.  So the bomb should go off pretty soon?  

It could, or maybe your replacement doesn't trigger your ex quite as much.  It's not that the replacement will be treated any better, but some people react differently.  I new that my replacement would be better for my ex because he didn't have any kind of temper.  He was totally able to suppress his needs.  I learned that his mother was a piece of work and he had to survive that.

But I also knew that he was a better fit for me ex.  He would get triggered like me.  And I don't think that he wants what I wanted in a relationship.  Many people are able to stay with a partner with BPD or NPD is they are simply willing to accept that cheating will be a part of the relationship.  I set that boundary, and that triggered my ex.

I don't have a temper either. I listen, observe, then engage. No boundary was set this time around as we didn't even have an episode yet. She just dipped out, blamed me for everything. Out of no where... .

[Waifed]

1-1/2 years

[dansure]

It lasted for about 2 month for me... . 3 month if you take long distance into account.

After the idealization she barely felt like having sex, we fought like every 2 weeks and her whole personality started to change. However, once in a while after our fights she would show off her idealization behavior, but no longer than a couple of days.

[Johnny Alias]

As long as there are NO problems... .  

So... . when she and I were cheating on her husband for a year everything was perfect... . then as soon as we moved in problems started up.  She broke into my facebook and phone, accused me of cheating on her, networking to find a job was my excuse to hook up with chicks. 

She became extremely paranoid.  Rages started.  I would end up being flip flopped between Godhood and Crap on a Shoe.  It was brutal on my self esteem.  I'd break up with her.  We'd start up again.  Everything fine for a while then bam!  Rage and Adoration. 

For me the idealization phase was over when she was raging at me every two weeks.  It was brutal.  Usually when drunk and would last for hours. 

When she could tell I'd had enough and was ready to split she would ALWAYS try to be on her best behavior.  This last go around she found the new guy when she could see I had given up.  There was just no fixing it and she moved on FAST. 

It always happens... . they have such INTENSE anger at their childhood that rage and entitlement are RULES.  If this new guy gives her the world... . she'll want more.  This is what they do. 

[dansure]

For me the idealization phase was over when she was raging at me every two weeks.  It was brutal.  Usually when drunk and would last for hours. 

 

What's with the 2 weeks mark? :D

I think mine was the waif type. She didn't rage like some the exBPDs of you guys... . but she became extremely bhity some days and was rather passiv aggressiv up to the point where I got pissed and later she would accuse me for being aggressive or argumentative. Or she would break up with me or move out for minor things. Once she packed her stuff and left because we couldn't agree on what to have for dinner.

I noticed that thinks were fine between us up the point where things got serious in terms of our relationship and our studies. When we started dating it was at the end of the semester after all exams were done. However, later on when we were stressed out by the uni because we were about to graduate things got nasty. We had a feedback session for our bachelor thesis every second week. I know that her thesis didn't go well, as she was one of the only ones to fail later on... anyway every time shortly after the feedback session we would have a fight. I am pretty sure that there was a correlation there.

[expos]

There is a scientific study that states that the honeymoon phase in any relationship dies around 18 months.  That's when you really get to know the person and have most likely seen every emotion.

[Johnny Alias]

There is a scientific study that states that the honeymoon phase in any relationship dies around 18 months.  That's when you really get to know the person and have most likely seen every emotion.

A person diagnosed with BPD cannot HOPE to have a honeymoon phase last this long.  They simply can't keep a cap on their emotions or behaviors for that long.  It requires FAR TOO much energy for them to not be what they are. 

[buddy1226]

Yeah. That's far too long. My ex kept it in honeymoon for a few weeks and that was a roller coaster. I knew something was very off in the first two weeks. She told me al I needed to know, actually.

[Pinoypride18]

mine lasted about 6 months but im hoping it starts sooner for my replacement