16 yr old severe BPD no help and feeling like no hope

[Canadianmom1966]

Hello everyone. This is my second post on this wonderful and helpful sight. My daughter is 16 and has severe borderline pd along with a very serious leaning disability. We started at age 3 to seek help because it was very obvious that there were severe issues everywhere.

We have been to many psychiatrists but in the end it has all been a complete waste of time.

My daughter is invested in non compliance since birth. She is explosive, very emotionally unstable, can't maintain any relationships period.

I am her whipping post. She calls me everything under the son, and can get very violent. She has not gone to school in shout 5 years because she refuses and if i push the issue my house gets destroyed.

We as parents are complexly spent, no more energy to expend. My daughter can not keep a stable relationship ever... . Even guys, they use her body as a playground but they realize the soon they cant cope with her bs all the time. I feel suicidal at times because its just hopeless. She ends up with scum of the earth people.

No doctor wants to treat because she is so difficult. She has severe depression too

Its not her problems it is everyone out there that is so wrong.

Can anyone give me any support and advice. My daughter is so unstable she is a threat to Hershel and others. I know she is going to kill me. Please help me if you can thx

.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello Canadianmom1966,

Oh my goodness, you have been through a lot... .  

I take it that the troubles you are describing are the general situation, not an imminent danger, correct?

Are you safe now? And your daughter is safe at the moment also?

The situation you are in must be truly overwhelming... . You will need to prioritize and take it one issue at a time:

1. Your safety comes first - Do you have a safety plan? Here are some links that are really important:

Workshop - US: Physically abusive relationships: Are you in one?

Safety First

Emergency - Local Live Support Centers

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

2. Your daughter's safety comes second

3. Her mental issues

4. & 5. Her relationships & her schooling

There are lots of resources on this site to help with # 2-5. At this point though, you may have hands full with #1. So for right now, if your daughter is in danger, please take her to the hospital, and if she is dangerous, call the police.

This may sound simplistic, and it is. It is just the first step to keep everyone safe and alive.

Let us know how you are holding up, ok?

[js friend]

candianmom1966,

your current situation sounds terrible

I wonder if your dd has BPD along with a conduct disorder plus ADD ... . Its Just my guess. Labels dont really matter and It doesnt change what you are going through I know.

I Would say that if your dd is physically abusive to you or makes threats to harm you in any way that you should take them seriousy and  call the police everytime. She needs to know that she cant bully and threathen you, and  hopefully she will get a mental health assessment if they have to remove her from your home. I would also document everything that goes on.even record her during her outbursts. You need proof of what is really going on  if she is so good at convincing people outside that it is you and not her... . You obviously cant go on this way for much longer by the sounds of it.

Also do you have a SW for her non school attendance who could help you? What has your education authority said about her non attendance?

Another thing is are there any parent support groups that you could join for valuable support.There must be other parents out there local to yourself who are experiencing the same inaction concerning  their childrens mental health.  it may be worth investigating that route as their is always a better outcome with strength in numbers. Also Is it possible that you can speak to your family gp and share your concerns, or can  My own Gp was relectant to speak with me directly about my about my dd19 behaviour without her being there because she was past the age of parental consent but he did say that he could make notes on my medical records if it was affecting my health which is was very deeply at the time. In the end i just felt relieved that it was  that it was noted somewhere incase anything happened.

iam so sorry Candianmom.  I  really wish I could get you the help you need... .

[jellibeans]

Dear Canadianmom

You have gotten some very good advise... . I agree you need to make a list of importance and address each one.

My dd16 use to be very violent towards us and things only really started to change when I started calling the police. Bringing in that outside help really changed things. When she was totally deregulated I would call the police and asked that she be taken for an evaluation at the nearest hospital. Just to let you know how bad things can be the one time she tried to steal our car and my husband was almost run over by her! Scary times.

I think what is very important is to try to head off these kind of explosions in the first place. Have you tried to take a time out and suggest you talk later when things are calm? I also installed a lock on my bedroom door that if things were not good I could go and lock myself in. I really needed a place to feel safe. I have left my house to try and defuse the situation as well because my dd16 didn't want to end the conversation. Learning some tool to defuse would be good right now.

How old is your daughter? Why hasn't the school contacted you about her 5 year absent? Is she doing online school? What does she do all day? I know Canada has a different structure thatn the USA but I know there are good hospitals there. What province are you in? Here is a link...

www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/states/canada.htm

[jellibeans]

Dear Canadianmom

I also racked my brain to think of a RTC in Canada... . Pine River Institute in Ontario I have heard good things about.

www.pineriverinstitute.com/


here are some other links to help as well

www.consumer.ftc.gov/articles/0185-residential-treatment-programs-teens

www.astartforteens.org/warning-signs

[jellibeans]

Dear Canadianmom

Here is an old post that has a lot of info for canadians... . it is from reality and she is canadian... .

jellibeans,

Pine River Institute services youth from the ages of 13 to 19.  It has 5 beds that are privately funded, otherwise the treatment is funded by OHIP.  There is a waiting list of about nine months to one year, from my understanding, nonetheless, I would encourage initial contact with Pine River to explore options.  I also think the Ontario Ministry of Health could be contacted to start a process to access funding on a case by case basis.  The facility is relatively new, so I am not sure if this has been done before, but I think it may be a possibility.   Typically, young people in Ontario go to Residential Treatment Facilities in the US and parents apply for out of province funding from OHIP or pay themselves.

No doctor, social worker, crisis worker, Mental Heath helpline, hospital told us about Pine River Institute when we sought help for Will.  When I visited this place after he died, I knew within minutes, it was the place we had needed to find.  I had never heard of it until I read an article iin the Globe and Mail I think in his last year when he was already 23 and I was too exhausted and traumatized myself to make the connection that it might be a source of information.

I visited Pine River Institute with some friends from Will's Way (our small mental health advocacy group).  All three of us agreed that it was a place we would feel comfortable endorsing to others.  The people who work there are kind, intelligent and highly skilled.  There is an integrated two-month wilderness program in Algonquin Park followed by a stay at Pine  River Institute itself, where the youth are enrolled in an on-site school program integrated with therapy, life skills and exercise in the outdoors.  There is a strong emphasis on nutrition, as well.  The food is delicious and very healthy.  Everyone working at Pine River is part of the community in an authentic way.  So, for example, a young person overwhelmed for a time helps the nutritionist with meal preparation.  Pine River is a true community and relationships are honoured.  My personal opinion is that the work at Pine River Institute is revolutionary in the field of youth mental health in Canada and beyond. 

There is a small outpatient BPD clinic at CAMH in Toronto.  The wait list is usually closed and interested people are asked to phone back monthly to find out when the wait list is open.  To access the comprehensive DBT orogram, there is a long wait again once assessed, usually many months.  There is a partial DBT program consisting only of the skills training, which is slightly more accessible; however, it does not offer the complete DBT program, as the phone option in times of crisis is not available and the patient has to have a therapist outside of the program, meaning that the weekly meeting of therapists doesn't happen either.  The partial DBT is a research model.

I hope this information is helpful.  If I can be of any help, do let me know. 

Reality

[co.jo]

What province are you in? I am in BC. I have not found the police useful in the past, they see it as using them to parent. ha ha.Usually by the time they got here my daughter had already calmed down.

I believe there is something in Montreal as well. I did not know about the out of country funding, my daughter is 27 now so it is irrelevant, but wonder if that is a possibility in other provinces?

[MammaMia]

Canadianmom

Welcome.  I just want to add my condolences for what you are dealing with.  There are some good

suggestions here already.  Please consider them seriously.  You should not have to live in fear and dd needs help.

Please take care of yourself.  If the police are not willing to help, document her threats and behavior.  It is their job to assist in these situations, even if it is to just transport her to the ER or remove her from your home.  Sadly, sometimes it is necessary to involve the legal system who can impose mandatory evaluation and treatment.  I am in the US and help for the mentally ill here is also sadly lacking.

Do you have family support, friends, or neighbors you can turn to?  It is very important that others know what you are dealing with and are willing to intervene if you need help

Good luck on finding a program for dd.  Keep trying and stay safe. Please keep posting.  We are worried about you.

[jellibeans]

Dear Canadianmom

Just checking in on you? How is it going today?

[auntie32]

Hi,

I don't know if this will help you ,but I had and maybe still have BPD, but not all the factors of it. My 26 year old daughter has it, but she doesn't recognise it and is affecting her relationships with lads, but until she sees this for herself, all we can do as parents, is to be there for them, when they need us. My daughters symptoms are not so severe ,but enough, she cannot get close to people, as this tells her she is weak, her   issues started when her father rejected her at a very young age and taking it out on me. She has abandonment issues, she is very impulsive when shopping and then regrets.

My own Mother had BPD but many years ago has passed away ,but I seen all the traits, her own was severe ,she tried to kill herself ,thank god I or my daughter don't have this trait, although she is very insecure and has low self esteem ,but doing very well managing her own house, she drives a nice car and has a great job, but very bad in any kind of relationships.

I felt for myself what helped me with this BPD is having the right therapy and I also tried hypnotherapy. It helped me stay more in control in my life. I also find meditation is great to calm the mind, this is for yourself and may help you understand more about your daughter. Don't push it in her face ,been there and done this, it doesn't help anyone. Remember you are the adult and she needs you!

I hope this puts some light for you!

PEACE-LIGHT-LOVE

[Eclaire5]

Very true Auntie, we have to remind ourselves that we are the adults and have to remain stable for them to get better. My daughter is actually an adult now, but her emotional maturity is of a  4y/o! When I think about that and see her problem as an actual disorder and disability, it's easier for me to get less frustrated (although it not always works of course). Canadianmom, I am so sorry your situation is so difficult. Try to hang in there and do not hesitate to call the police when she gets violent. I don't know how it works in Canada, but in the US when someone makes threats or becomes violent the police takes them to the hospital involuntarily. Hope things get better.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[theplotthickens]

 Hi Canadianmom!

I am brand-new here, and I can SO relate to your story.  I have a 17 yo BPD with similar symptoms. 

What has helped me the most is having a coded lock on my bedroom with a wired telephone in it.  Do you have a safe room with a lock and a telephone?  Having a locked room has been the only thing that makes me feel safe in my home - best $90 I ever spent.  It has a keypad so that my BPD child cannot get a hold of the key.

My heart aches for you!  It is so sad to have to take safety measures against your own child.  But that is what we have to do because of this illness.

We also have to keep all of our knives and scissors locked up. 

I hope you find something useful and encouraging.  Even if it is just to know that you are not alone!

[femom]

Have you tried to get her services or a residential placement through your school district.  Here in the US, we have a law that covers children through 18 with emotional disabilities and the law states that your school district must provide a free and appropriate education for every child.  It is up to each individual district to implement, but it is a federal law.  I hope that there is a similar law in Canada.