Shes Getting Married

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I found out not too long ago that my ex is engaged and getting married. Apparently the engagement happened about five months after we broke up (she already had him lined up) and the wedding is in a couple of months. None of this really shocks me considering what I know about her, the situation she is in and BPD.

I'm "over" her and I'm glad we are no longer together (broken up for over a year). I've gotten through the FOG and I feel like I've done a lot of inner "soul searching" to see what it is about me that drew me to her. I think I'm more aware of these things within me and as a result, I'll be so much better whenever my next relationship comes along.

With all that being said, I saw their wedding website and on the front page it has a picture of her in his arms kissing him. And it pisses me off. I think the main reason I feel that way has to do with the fact I'm a competitive person and I feel like I "lost." I think it also has to do with the fact that I haven't found anyone else yet relationship-wise, so in my mind it all seems "unfair."

I know, I know. She doesn't hold the key to my happiness. Pictures on the internet never tell the full story with anyone (especially those with BPD). But it is just an odd feeling within me right now. I guess I'm just frustrated and I'm venting.

I know I'm very lucky that it's not me in that picture, being set-up for a lifetime full of drama and hell. I suppose what I don't see in that picture is all the of the things behind closed doors that are probably so foundationally wrong with their relationship that their marriage probably won't survive. Still, seeing that picture just pisses me off... .

[asher2]

I found out not too long ago that my ex is engaged and getting married. Apparently the engagement happened about five months after we broke up (she already had him lined up) and the wedding is in a couple of months. None of this really shocks me considering what I know about her, the situation she is in and BPD.

I'm "over" her and I'm glad we are no longer together (broken up for over a year). I've gotten through the FOG and I feel like I've done a lot of inner "soul searching" to see what it is about me that drew me to her. I think I'm more aware of these things within me and as a result, I'll be so much better whenever my next relationship comes along.

With all that being said, I saw their wedding website and on the front page it has a picture of her in his arms kissing him. And it pisses me off. I think the main reason I feel that way has to do with the fact I'm a competitive person and I feel like I "lost." I think it also has to do with the fact that I haven't found anyone else yet relationship-wise, so in my mind it all seems "unfair."

I know, I know. She doesn't hold the key to my happiness. Pictures on the internet never tell the full story with anyone (especially those with BPD). But it is just an odd feeling within me right now. I guess I'm just frustrated and I'm venting.

I know I'm very lucky that it's not me in that picture, being set-up for a lifetime full of drama and hell. I suppose what I don't see in that picture is all the of the things behind closed doors that are probably so foundationally wrong with their relationship that their marriage probably won't survive. Still, seeing that picture just pisses me off... .

[GreenMango]

As a competitive person what do you think you would have won?

I'm not asking as joke or to be contrite.  I ask because what you were working hard for was it a prize?

[seeking balance]

With all that being said, I saw their wedding website and on the front page it has a picture of her in his arms kissing him. And it pisses me off. I think the main reason I feel that way has to do with the fact I'm a competitive person and I feel like I "lost." I think it also has to do with the fact that I haven't found anyone else yet relationship-wise, so in my mind it all seems "unfair."

I know, I know. She doesn't hold the key to my happiness. Pictures on the internet never tell the full story with anyone (especially those with BPD). But it is just an odd feeling within me right now. I guess I'm just frustrated and I'm venting.

No, she is not the key to your happiness, but that doesn't mean this doesn't sting a bit.   

Even if it isn't "them" that we want now - most of us here do want to be married and have all that - it totally feels unfair when "they" get it first - I get that.

Anger is a mask for pain - sounds like your pain is not losing her, but rather "the dream"?

[asher2]

Green Mango and seeking balance... . Thanks for the replies and I think you are both saying the same things. What I feel like I "lost" was the dream of what I thought we had. I was so incredibly wrapped up in thinking that she was the one that I'd be married to, that it took a long time for my brain to get readjusted. Seeking Balance, I think you are exactly right... . it was losing the "dream" part that perhaps I still struggle with. I know it's certainly not her... . he can have her

[Broken25]

Asher2

I can seriously totally relate with where you are coming from on this. My exgf who has BPD did the same exact thing Cept in three months time. Same type of picture with her in his arms kissing, etc. I was just dumb enough to look her up on facebook. Makes you wonder why they got there before we did. However the whole "pictures only tell so much." Is exactly true. Us nons were and still are good people and look where that got us with them. It will only take time till she is sitting in a court house filling out paperwork. They can have that, I would rather stay single if I had a option of the two.

[GreenMango]

Asher this is what I was really wondering.

 I know it's certainly not her... . he can have her 

I agree with the dream part and the hope part that you and SB are talking about.  It is a hard loss.

I do know as I was able to stand back a little bit and try to look what I might be in for (the orize) the risk was too high and the benefits to low it helped to reframe it more based on i might not being winning anything sticking around.  Prize not being worth the price and reminding myself of it repeatedly when I doubted myself.

hang in there though ... . Each exposure to these the things once they happen is like one more step towards detachment and a happier future.

[DownandOut]

Asher -

I relate with what you're saying. I just posted something similar yesterday which had me feeling downright sick to my stomach. I am with you. It hurts. A lot. However, there is nothing we could do about it. We are here and they are there. Two separate lives. Two separate paths. At one time I also believed I would be married to this woman, the love of my life, the one I'd been waiting for forever. I, too, had to let go of that dream. I'm still working on it. I'd like to share with you something that a friend of mine told me about love. He was in a relationship with a girl that broke his heart, he was on the verge of suicide, he'd lost a considerable amount of weight and simply looked ghastly. That was 8 years ago. He is now married with a child to a woman whom he loves. He told me: For most men there are 3 women he will never forget - the one that makes his heart, the one that breaks his heart (even if it's his fault) and the woman that mends it back together. Their heart isn't fully grown until that second woman is done. Very few men have just the two.

The point is, your ex was special in her own way. She was part of your story. The next one, whenever that is, will be the one that mends your heart back together and that will be the one that you spend the rest of your life with. That feeling of someone taking care of your heart will be 100x better than the one that betrayed you and broke it.

[blue_skies_ahead]

Asher,

I'm right there with you.  Just found out today that he's getting married this month.  He started divorce papers 4/13 - finalized 8/13 - 10/13 he tells me his happy news of the engagement (I didn't ask) and was gloating - 3/14 they are getting married. 

I was married to him for 23 years by the time we divorced.  I know I am better off, but I feel so disregarded.  That's why I posted today about wondering aloud HOW ON EARTH it's so easy for them to just move along their merry destructive way without ever stopping to examine what they've done in their wake.

I find little comfort in much of anything.  I look better than I ever did when I was with him because I was chronically in a hightened turmoil over the crazy making, but I think I became chemically and mentally hard-wired to accept the highs and lows.  I've read about cortisol burn out with ppl like me exBPDH for NONs.  I think I have that and post traumatic stress disorder and now ... . significant trust issues that may, in fact, preclude me from ever having another relationship because I view men with a wary eye.  He was my first.  He may very well be my last.  The damage they do is so great, yet they take on no damage themselves.  I said it earlier, but it bears repeating - they move on because they CAN because they weren't the recipient of years of abuse at a loved one's hand - their partner was while they just took and took until that opportunity was no longer an option - so they seek a new "host" for their parasitic ways.

  I'm hoping it gets better for all of us. 

[Happy1]

Asher,

Maybe one way to look at this win/lose scenario is that you actually one. Remember the game "hot potato?"

I too get caught up in this notion that I lost something. A part of myself in the other person, but the reality is, I've gained a whole lot since she left. One, I gained back my self esteem and my persona. I'm "me" again, which I was not with her. Gradually over time I lost that within the confines of that relationship.

When I look at my ex's pictures on FB and see her husband (his FB page too) I don't see the guy I knew years ago. I see a guy who is just literally providing a paycheck to a wife that now has her fantasy all arranged just as she always wanted it. I've mentioned here before that it all appears to me as if she's playing "doll house" like most little girls do. Neatly arranging the "objects" as she wants them. Great for her, not so much so, I don't think for him (though he's probably lost in the relationship and her fantasies too, as was I).

As long as one expresses or suppresses their needs in that relationship, there is likely peace. However, the minute you might have a moment of independence that doesn't compute for the BPD, all heck is likely to ensue. To me, that's not a life, nor a relationship. A (often times pestilent) companion at best.

You're a better man already, you just have to realize it one of these days and paint a much better picture for yourself and the mate you have yet to meet.

[asher2]

Thank you to you all for your thoughts and advice. Downandout... . I loved what you said about the three different types of girls and hearts. Very touching and I'm sure very true. And you are right about my ex being special in her own way. I really don't hate her at all and don't harbor anger toward her. I really do hope she is doing well and is finding true happiness in her life.

And I love what you said here... . "That feeling of someone taking care of your heart will be 100x better than the one that betrayed you and broke it." I love the idea of that.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Asher...

I know you are hurting now, it does hurt to find out that someone we once loved is gone. And by getting married to another, she is really gone.

I hope you can see that you are going to be ok. That this person, this woman you loved, well... she wasn't real. Just like my ex husband wasn't real.

They can move on so quickly because they need someone, anyone to attach to. I'm not kidding, it can just be the next person who passes by. There is no valuation, and indeed, they tend to pick an easier target the next time they get involved.

So if I may project here... because I can... my ex husband is with a woman who has about 3 kids under 10, they live in a trailer in a white trash neighborhood of Cleveland, and they get by on the baby daddies checks every month. He has to change diapers in the middle of the night too... .

I"m terrible I know. And yes, it's totally made up, I have no idea what kind of mess he has himself in now.

So laugh if you can, ok? You are so much better off... . goodness... when I think about how I would have been supporting my ex for LIFE and the pain and misery he would have caused me... .

Thank goodness I escaped! Yea for me! LOL

That being said though, I said a prayer for him last night. I hope he's happy and has a good life. Because I am and I do.

L

[Tausk]

I found out not too long ago that my ex is engaged and getting married. Apparently the engagement happened about five months after we broke up (she already had him lined up) and the wedding is in a couple of months. None of this really shocks me considering what I know about her, the situation she is in and BPD.

I'm "over" her and I'm glad we are no longer together (broken up for over a year). I've gotten through the FOG and I feel like I've done a lot of inner "soul searching" to see what it is about me that drew me to her. I think I'm more aware of these things within me and as a result, I'll be so much better whenever my next relationship comes along.

With all that being said, I saw their wedding website and on the front page it has a picture of her in his arms kissing him. And it pisses me off. I think the main reason I feel that way has to do with the fact I'm a competitive person and I feel like I "lost." I think it also has to do with the fact that I haven't found anyone else yet relationship-wise, so in my mind it all seems "unfair."

I know, I know. She doesn't hold the key to my happiness. Pictures on the internet never tell the full story with anyone (especially those with BPD). But it is just an odd feeling within me right now. I guess I'm just frustrated and I'm venting.

I know I'm very lucky that it's not me in that picture, being set-up for a lifetime full of drama and hell. I suppose what I don't see in that picture is all the of the things behind closed doors that are probably so foundationally wrong with their relationship that their marriage probably won't survive. Still, seeing that picture just pisses me off... .

What you wrote above could have been me.  It hurts to think that my ex now has a husband who gives her what she wants.  

But when I'm in a good place, I can sometimes tap into the place where I can hope that they are happy and can hope that he does give to her what I couldn't.

The comparisons and the pain, comes from lack of self esteem, the FOG of believing that I wasn't good enough and if only I could do more then she'd be happy, and then the wound to my false ego when she cheated on me and married her cheating partner.

But when my ego isn't in the false sense, but I'm ok with who I am, I don't compare anymore, I don't hold grudges... . and I just know, understand, and accept that I could never have made it work with her.  I gave everything I had and it wasn't good enough.  I had many opportunities to get married.  But I couldn't do it because deep down I knew it would only get worse.  I kept saying, I'll marry her when she can show the slightest indication that I might be able to trust her.  She never did, and I wouldn't bring myself to marry her.

AND I KNOW THAT I DODGED A BULLET.  JUST CALL ME NEO FROM THE MATRIX WITH ALL KINDS OF BPD MR. ANDERSON'S  SHOOTING AT ME.  AND I'M JUST MOVING AND DODGING FOR MY LIFE.

But the truth is that my ex's new object is a better fit. It doesn't mean that he'll be treated better, but he'll respond better.  But I know that I needed to be treated better than my ex could give.  I needed to be able to trust her.  I needed someone who would at least be conscious about her actions when she cheated on me.  My ex was never going to be able to give that to me.

So, I look to rebuild my inner self, with the true aspects of my character.  And when I do find my self, my ego detaches from the actions of my ex.  And I don't compare.  And,  I don't believe that I was deficient with my ex, and I don't really care about the betrayal other than to see it was a blessing.   

And I can pray for them hope that they find more than the meaningless suffering that I was doom for with my ex.  But honestly, I doubt it.  I just hope that they don't end up in a murder/suicide ending. 

But when I'm feeling low and self pitying and like a victim, the murder/suicide scenario sounds appealing.  Attitude is so important. My attitude now is that I'm healthier than anything I could have achieved while with my ex. 

Honestly, I would have never left my ex if she had the slightest sense of self.  I once said that I needed her to be my friend.  In the most honest statement that she ever made to me, she said, "I can't do that.  All i give you is sex and to cook for you."  

It saddens me to no end to realize that she knew that to be true.  And I would have accepted it, if not for the fact that the another thing she had to give me was infidelity.  

It's a Disorder. Feelings of comparison with the ex's new object/husband are attachment to the Disorder.  My ex is certifiably Bat Sht Crazy.  She can't love. She can't feel guilt.  She doesn't have a self.  There's no prize in winning there.  There's only pain and destruction.  The Disorder always wins.  

Sadness for her.  Gratitude and relief for me (today).  Maybe jealousy tomorrow.  But it gets better.

T

[Ritchie53]

I also feel for you very much in this situation. I also do believe looking back that it all depends on how much the non 'buys' into the idealisation phase. I bought into it in some sense, but I have always been slightly wary of individuals who fawn themselves over you in a sycophantic manner. (This was mentioned to me 12 months down the line in a 19 month relationship that we never had a honeymoon phase - the beginning of her devaluation process). Her next target - the previous blacker than black ex - has fallen for it a lot harder. Also when I was in her idealisation she was mentioning kids, family, moving in together - none of which I did as I wanted to build the relationship up - (something that I always deemed as being 'healthy'.

Could be that her new guy is wrapped in the idealisation phase - which as you indicate has only been a 7 month relationship - honeymoon period halfway done but still in play - thus the relationship is moving on at a quickened pace. Engagement, marriage, perhaps a kid - with her soulmate, the one that understands her, but what then? Real life situations will occur down the road, there will be triggers, he will do something wrong at some point guaranteed, there is no way that he will remain a perfect figure for a massive amount of time.

He has shown her 'true' commitment and trust by getting engaged, married etc. It's strange, its as if these BPD's know that there is a half life for their relationships so getting what healthy loving couples get done in say 5 years, they need to do within 6 months - otherwise you dont love them fully. Why else would you not want to get married and have kids after 6 weeks if you didnt out and out love the person? Maybe because healthy couples think more about their future and plan it rather than impulsive feelings - a 'must have now' mentality. Just a few thoughts and wishing you well.

[blue_skies_ahead]

I really needed all that was said here.  Thank you.  Broomfield validated and hearing others doing it is refreshing.  TY!

[HealingForMe]

I know it must hurt A LOT to see that picture, it must have felt like a dagger in your heart. There is so much pain in overcoming any broken r/s, esp a BPD one. I'm just heading into the fog myself.

I know I'm very lucky that it's not me in that picture, being set-up for a lifetime full of drama and hell.

I think instead of feeling like you lost, perhaps you can think of it as she helped you escape! Imagine if you stayed with her, how difficult that would be. All the sacrifice & pain. Remember also, she will probably continue this pattern with her new partner, and the next, and the next... .

So really, you havent lost, you've been freed, like a caged bird who has had their cage door left open  

[Ritchie53]

I think instead of feeling like you lost, perhaps you can think of it as she helped you escape! Imagine if you stayed with her, how difficult that would be. All the sacrifice & pain. Remember also, she will probably continue this pattern with her new partner, and the next, and the next... .

So really, you havent lost, you've been freed, like a caged bird who has had their cage door left open  smiley

This reminds me of a very similar thing I saw written which I saved in the notes of my iphone - a great little piece and here it is:-

'By finally learning of BPD, and having a positive confrontation with her about her emotional abuse and emascualtion of me, and not allowing the 'conversations' to go way off topic. The facts presented she knew deep inside were true, but still a place she did not want to go, too painful. So, the typical BPD alternative? Paint me black, because staying with me was now going to require facing the demons, not just empty words and promises. That, in essence, is how I handed her the paint and brush, and in return the keys to my freedom'

[asher2]

Wow... . I am truly touched and very thankful for the input and perspective so many you have given. Thank you.

Tausk... . this really hit home for me... . "It's a Disorder. Feelings of comparison with the ex's new object/husband are attachment to the Disorder.  My ex is certifiably Bat Sht Crazy.  She can't love. She can't feel guilt.  She doesn't have a self.  There's no prize in winning there.  There's only pain and destruction.  The Disorder always wins." When I read that, I could have sworn that you were writing about my ex. She is all the things that you wrote in that paragraph. The thing that always struck me about her was that she seemingly had no moral compass despite knowing very well the difference between right and wrong. Affairs with married men, constant lying and the part about having no sense of self... . she had no clue who she was/is. The way you wrote that, for whatever reason, clicked in my head and was a good reminder to me that I didn't "lose" anything.

Ritchie... . you wrote... . "Real life situations will occur down the road, there will be triggers, he will do something wrong at some point guaranteed, there is no way that he will remain a perfect figure for a massive amount of time." Thanks for the reminder of that... . I absolutely agree. I've never been married, but from what I understand, it's pretty damn tough at times. Thank you for the reminder that being married to someone with no sense of self would have been awful during those tough times.

And NachaLuva... . you are right about being set free. I remember after we were done for the final time, thinking to myself "It's over. I don't have to deal with this anymore." As sad as I was about losing her (or who I thought she was), it was very freeing to know that the constant ups and downs of our relationship were no longer something I had to deal with. Last night before I fell asleep, I was thinking about how MY emotions were so up and down, all over the place when I was with her. My co-workers would later tell me that my constant mood swings were very noticeable. I was NEVER like that before her. I remember distinctly one time having my ex sit on my lap for a talk. I remember telling her how I just needed things calm and on an even keel with her. She understood very well what I was talking about and agreed with me. For me, that type of behavior was brand new. To her, fully aware of how out of control her emotions were on a daily basis, was very used to it. You are right, how freeing it is to not have that in my life anymore.

[clairedair]

Hi Asher2


My exH was with someone very soon after our first split. He seemed to have found the person that he'd been looking for (the person I failed to be) but he spent the next 5+ years going between the two of us.  I thought that once we eventually divorced that he'd marry her - I knew they made plans - but he reconciled with me (I should have known better!).  Following our final split, he started dating within weeks and was married within months - but not to the person he'd been unofficially engaged to before. 

By then, I had come out of the FOG so it didn't devastate me and if anything, his rapid re-marriage just reinforced my belief that he suffered with BPD traits (undiagnosed) and that nothing I could have done would have made any difference to us.   If it does get to me, it's because, like you and SB, I feel the loss of what I thought we had and would have and it's been difficult to accept how little he cared about me in the end.

And NachaLuva... . you are right about being set free. I remember after we were done for the final time, thinking to myself "It's over. I don't have to deal with this anymore." As sad as I was about losing her (or who I thought she was), it was very freeing to know that the constant ups and downs of our relationship were no longer something I had to deal with. Last night before I fell asleep, I was thinking about how MY emotions were so up and down, all over the place when I was with her.

I was walking back to the train station after meeting my mum and sister for lunch the other day and suddenly a smile spread across my face because I wasn't going to have to hide the fact that I had seen my family or spent money or feel the tension if I did tell him.  I had some great times with him but I realise more and more every day how much easier I can breathe now.

I will have to meet his new wife sometime as he and I have children together - I will have to resist the urge to thank her for saving my life because I think his being loved up with her for now has given me the chance to really heal properly.  Even if everything is fine with them and he is now in a healthy relationship, the fact is that our relationships wasn't healthy and was never going to be.  Sometimes I waver but mostly I do not feel in any way diminished by his quick remarriage - it says more about him than it does about me.

You are the healthier one - you are here asking the hard questions and reflecting on your own part in all of this.

take care,

Claire

[DownandOut]

I found out not too long ago that my ex is engaged and getting married. Apparently the engagement happened about five months after we broke up (she already had him lined up) and the wedding is in a couple of months. None of this really shocks me considering what I know about her, the situation she is in and BPD.

I'm "over" her and I'm glad we are no longer together (broken up for over a year). I've gotten through the FOG and I feel like I've done a lot of inner "soul searching" to see what it is about me that drew me to her. I think I'm more aware of these things within me and as a result, I'll be so much better whenever my next relationship comes along.

With all that being said, I saw their wedding website and on the front page it has a picture of her in his arms kissing him. And it pisses me off. I think the main reason I feel that way has to do with the fact I'm a competitive person and I feel like I "lost." I think it also has to do with the fact that I haven't found anyone else yet relationship-wise, so in my mind it all seems "unfair."

I know, I know. She doesn't hold the key to my happiness. Pictures on the internet never tell the full story with anyone (especially those with BPD). But it is just an odd feeling within me right now. I guess I'm just frustrated and I'm venting.

I know I'm very lucky that it's not me in that picture, being set-up for a lifetime full of drama and hell. I suppose what I don't see in that picture is all the of the things behind closed doors that are probably so foundationally wrong with their relationship that their marriage probably won't survive. Still, seeing that picture just pisses me off... .

What you wrote above could have been me.  It hurts to think that my ex now has a husband who gives her what she wants.  

But when I'm in a good place, I can sometimes tap into the place where I can hope that they are happy and can hope that he does give to her what I couldn't.

The comparisons and the pain, comes from lack of self esteem, the FOG of believing that I wasn't good enough and if only I could do more then she'd be happy, and then the wound to my false ego when she cheated on me and married her cheating partner.

But when my ego isn't in the false sense, but I'm ok with who I am, I don't compare anymore, I don't hold grudges... . and I just know, understand, and accept that I could never have made it work with her.  I gave everything I had and it wasn't good enough.  I had many opportunities to get married.  But I couldn't do it because deep down I knew it would only get worse.  I kept saying, I'll marry her when she can show the slightest indication that I might be able to trust her.  She never did, and I wouldn't bring myself to marry her.

AND I KNOW THAT I DODGED A BULLET.  JUST CALL ME NEO FROM THE MATRIX WITH ALL KINDS OF BPD MR. ANDERSON'S  SHOOTING AT ME.  AND I'M JUST MOVING AND DODGING FOR MY LIFE.

But the truth is that my ex's new object is a better fit. It doesn't mean that he'll be treated better, but he'll respond better.  But I know that I needed to be treated better than my ex could give.  I needed to be able to trust her.  I needed someone who would at least be conscious about her actions when she cheated on me.  My ex was never going to be able to give that to me.

So, I look to rebuild my inner self, with the true aspects of my character.  And when I do find my self, my ego detaches from the actions of my ex.  And I don't compare.  And,  I don't believe that I was deficient with my ex, and I don't really care about the betrayal other than to see it was a blessing.   

And I can pray for them hope that they find more than the meaningless suffering that I was doom for with my ex.  But honestly, I doubt it.  I just hope that they don't end up in a murder/suicide ending. 

But when I'm feeling low and self pitying and like a victim, the murder/suicide scenario sounds appealing.  Attitude is so important. My attitude now is that I'm healthier than anything I could have achieved while with my ex. 

Honestly, I would have never left my ex if she had the slightest sense of self.  I once said that I needed her to be my friend.  In the most honest statement that she ever made to me, she said, "I can't do that.  All i give you is sex and to cook for you."  

It saddens me to no end to realize that she knew that to be true.  And I would have accepted it, if not for the fact that the another thing she had to give me was infidelity.  

It's a Disorder. Feelings of comparison with the ex's new object/husband are attachment to the Disorder.  My ex is certifiably Bat Sht Crazy.  She can't love. She can't feel guilt.  She doesn't have a self.  There's no prize in winning there.  There's only pain and destruction.  The Disorder always wins.  

Sadness for her.  Gratitude and relief for me (today).  Maybe jealousy tomorrow.  But it gets better.

T

This is some incredible insight that I really appreciate. Thanks!