Anyone else's BPD SO addicted to sex, food or the internet?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Nature vs Nurture.  The scientist in me says there must be a part of the brain that houses the sense of identity that never formed correctly in a pwBPD.  Whether that be genetics or upbringing - I can't say.  But, I say it's identity because it seems that many of my GFs issues stem from not being able to answer the questions, "Who am I? What do I like to do for fun? What do I want to do with my life?"   This leads to in security, boredom, loneliness, and depression. If I compare her to me, I can list dozens of things that I like to do that define who I am.  And these things are consistent for my whole adult life.  So, when I feel stuck, I have those things on my list that keep me grounded.  With my GF, she doesn't have that, so if whatever is going on at the moment suddenly falls apart, her whole life and identity is chaos.    She lashes out at me or others because her lifeline is defined based upon things external - she must control that in order to define herself.  For example, if I lose my job, sure it bums me out, but at least I know what I like to do and have other things to maintain my sense of self.  If she loses her job, the entire foundation for everything is gone, and all areas of her life are affected.  Insert whatever else for "job":  Boyfriend, place to live, friends, etc. 

As far back as I can remember, I have always had this sense of self, but I think it grew stronger in my 20s.  I can compare my upbringing to hers:  My parents have that same sense of self, and they gave me the freedom to learn what I liked and didn't like, and provided opportunities to keep my mind curious.  I don't know if she had that kind of parenting.  She said her mom was criticizing, had particular ways she wanted things, and talked about the world in a negative way as if "this is the way it is".  She grew up thinking she had to rebel, I grew up thinking I had to explore. 

I really think at the core of BPD is a lack of personal identity - they don't know what defines them.  They are always searching, and always needing the external to validate their identity.  Just about every BPD behavior could be explained by the insecurity of not knowing who they are.   

[maxsterling]

Nature vs Nurture.  The scientist in me says there must be a part of the brain that houses the sense of identity that never formed correctly in a pwBPD.  Whether that be genetics or upbringing - I can't say.  But, I say it's identity because it seems that many of my GFs issues stem from not being able to answer the questions, "Who am I? What do I like to do for fun? What do I want to do with my life?"   This leads to in security, boredom, loneliness, and depression. If I compare her to me, I can list dozens of things that I like to do that define who I am.  And these things are consistent for my whole adult life.  So, when I feel stuck, I have those things on my list that keep me grounded.  With my GF, she doesn't have that, so if whatever is going on at the moment suddenly falls apart, her whole life and identity is chaos.    She lashes out at me or others because her lifeline is defined based upon things external - she must control that in order to define herself.  For example, if I lose my job, sure it bums me out, but at least I know what I like to do and have other things to maintain my sense of self.  If she loses her job, the entire foundation for everything is gone, and all areas of her life are affected.  Insert whatever else for "job":  Boyfriend, place to live, friends, etc. 

As far back as I can remember, I have always had this sense of self, but I think it grew stronger in my 20s.  I can compare my upbringing to hers:  My parents have that same sense of self, and they gave me the freedom to learn what I liked and didn't like, and provided opportunities to keep my mind curious.  I don't know if she had that kind of parenting.  She said her mom was criticizing, had particular ways she wanted things, and talked about the world in a negative way as if "this is the way it is".  She grew up thinking she had to rebel, I grew up thinking I had to explore. 

I really think at the core of BPD is a lack of personal identity - they don't know what defines them.  They are always searching, and always needing the external to validate their identity.  Just about every BPD behavior could be explained by the insecurity of not knowing who they are.   

[MyGreatEscape]

Now THAT would be a great area of research about BPD, Maxsterling... . get down to the nuts and bolts of identity and what "caused" their malformation or lack of one altogether.

My upbringing was pretty chaotic... . alcoholic parents, Mom institutionalized, had to live with my grandparents... . BUT... . I was, like you mentioned... . an explorer. I was always outside, looking, learning, inspecting. With friends, I was always analyzing, dissecting, and curious. I have always been in search of knowledge and have a decent base of stability and standards I follow. I have always known "who I am" through all of these discoveries about human nature and our world. I know what I believe, why, and that has not changed throughout my adulthood either, like you.

My husband... . nope. He has actually told me he has no identity (of course he ended the sentence "with you"... . meaning I am the cause... . typical). He never knows what he believes or why... . its ever-changing. But he says that is BETTER... . he thinks he's easy-going because of this "ability" to change his mind... . ? SO weird. Being able to change an opinion based on new facts is one thing... . hopping on one bandwagon to another is quite another... . he doesn't get the difference.

It seems another theme here is that most of us appear to be extremely strong people with darn established senses of self... . yet we find ourselves with these people. WHY? For me, I wonder if their initial sense of grandiosity lures us in. The fake charm. I know that I am a hopeless romantic and wanted SO MUCH to believe that someone really did love me with such grandeur as he did in the beginning... . so I fell for every line, every other-worldly feeling of connection. Then it changed, he changed, and he was more like a nightmare I couldn't wake from.

Now, here I am, sharing with you wonderful people who have also found yourself in the pits of hell... . and wondering how the hell to get off this ride intact and saving my kids from a life of therapy and disastrous relationships themselves... .

[Turkish]

Nature vs Nurture.  The scientist in me says there must be a part of the brain that houses the sense of identity that never formed correctly in a pwBPD.  Whether that be genetics or upbringing - I can't say.  But, I say it's identity because it seems that many of my GFs issues stem from not being able to answer the questions, "Who am I? What do I like to do for fun? What do I want to do with my life?"   This leads to in security, boredom, loneliness, and depression. If I compare her to me, I can list dozens of things that I like to do that define who I am.  And these things are consistent for my whole adult life.  So, when I feel stuck, I have those things on my list that keep me grounded.  With my GF, she doesn't have that, so if whatever is going on at the moment suddenly falls apart, her whole life and identity is chaos.    She lashes out at me or others because her lifeline is defined based upon things external - she must control that in order to define herself.  For example, if I lose my job, sure it bums me out, but at least I know what I like to do and have other things to maintain my sense of self.  If she loses her job, the entire foundation for everything is gone, and all areas of her life are affected.  Insert whatever else for "job":  Boyfriend, place to live, friends, etc. 

As far back as I can remember, I have always had this sense of self, but I think it grew stronger in my 20s.  I can compare my upbringing to hers:  My parents have that same sense of self, and they gave me the freedom to learn what I liked and didn't like, and provided opportunities to keep my mind curious.  I don't know if she had that kind of parenting.  She said her mom was criticizing, had particular ways she wanted things, and talked about the world in a negative way as if "this is the way it is".  She grew up thinking she had to rebel, I grew up thinking I had to explore. 

I really think at the core of BPD is a lack of personal identity - they don't know what defines them. 

Mine certainly defines herself by her attachments. When she perceived I abandoned her, her world fell apart and she desperately attached to another. I found something written in her journal, "I'm a daughter, sister, mother, lover... . " No. That is not who someone is, those are the roles you happen to fill at various points in your life. She is paranoid about losing her family, for instance. She would often have dreams where she lost her family in horrible ways, or where they were being persecuted (sometimes I' be there to protect them, other times I would abandon them in her dream... . this says a lot!).

My mom has BPD traits, though not "full-blown" BPD I don't think. She is a massive hoarder (like one of the worst episodes on that show... . seriously). My T said they do that because they fear loss. That gave me something to think about. When I left the house, she went about rescuing adult waifs, children who had broken or non existent relations with their mothers. She defined herself as someone who rescues to give herself value (mixing in C-d traits here as well, which my uBPDx has with her own family).

To bring the thread back around, perhaps in the end, they are addicted to trying to find themselves? Ever searching for identity through spirituality, love/sex (mine, definitely a love addict). Never certain. Perhaps a lot of the hahaviors have this as their root. It's not the extrinsic which defines us, it's the intrinsic. But inside them, even as mine admitted, but I had already figured out, there is that vast emptiness which they can never fill. It is sad.

[hergestridge]

It seems another theme here is that most of us appear to be extremely strong people with darn established senses of self... . yet we find ourselves with these people. WHY?

Perhaps our selves are established to the extent that we don't care that we hook up with people who have some vital parts missing?

I can remeber - from childhood and on - that I had friends that other people found so difficult to be around that I was their only friend. Other people asked me "How can you stand being around x x?". And I just smiled and said "Oh, but she's ok... . ". I lied a little through my teeth of course, because I knew that they were indeed difficult people, but being who I am I could disappear up into my fantasy world when things started to become unpleasant.

[maxsterling]

It seems another theme here is that most of us appear to be extremely strong people with darn established senses of self... . yet we find ourselves with these people. WHY? For me, I wonder if their initial sense of grandiosity lures us in.

Interesting to think about.  For myself, I know what I like and don't like, know what makes me happy, and know right from wrong, and I think I have for the most part always been that way, even though I may not know why.  I've always been a bit cautious and shy, and never take risks "just to see".  I wouldn't consider myself strong in the more common sense, but I am very difficult to break down.  Bad things may happen and I can still carry on okay.  Even dealing with this pwBPD and her CONSTANT negative attitude, I would still describe myself as happy and optimistic (although that has slowly been shaken).  I am one who tends to anticipate and avoid conflict, simply because it is easier.

I've given a lot of thought to how I wound up in a relationship with a pwBPD, and maybe this is a subject for a new thread.  My big issue is people crossing my boundaries and dealing with those types of people.  I'm one who minds my own business and takes care of my own needs because I don't want to burden others.  So, when I run across someone who doesn't think like that - it's like I discovered an alien species and I simply don't know what to do.  An example would be having to tell my girlfriend that something hurt me, when the boundary she crossed should be a universally accepted boundary.  I shouldn't have to tell her that screaming at me or hitting me or blaming me hurts me.  Instead, she may say something incredibly mean, and then ask "oh, I'm sorry, was that mean?"  I just don't get it, and don't know how to respond.  And because I am generally a thinker who likes to contemplate first, I'm never quick to words or responses.  So for me, I live in a state of confusion as if I am living with someone who has an alien brain that acts in ways I can't anticipate or predict, so that when things happen I am so confused that I don't know how to react or even feel - so I tend to just deflect until I have time to think.  Prior to her, I had never, ever heard a person say they hated him/herself and wanted to kill him/herself.  never.  Now I hear that regularly, and don't know how to respond.

Another issue that got me into this was just really not even believing a person could be like this - me applying a rational brain to the irrational.  BPD was like an impossibility, like travelling faster than the speed of light.  It's like addiction - I just don't understand it. For awhile, I assumed it was the substance, and that a person somehow unfortunately fell into the substance and it was the psychological effect of the substance causing their behavior, and if they quit for a period of time, they would be normal and fine.  I'm one of those people who for the life of me can't understand why someone would willfully take drugs or want to be high.  So to meet a person who desperately wants to be loved but can't love themselves just makes me scratch my head raw.  Or love me but scream at me and hit me?  Makes no sense - prior to this r/s I would have told you that was impossible.

She lured me in because she seemed like a person who had normal problems but had a handle on how to solve them.  All signs pointed to an independent person who could manage herself.  But since a BPD brain was an impossibility in my universe, I failed to see that the "independence" was really just her constant search for herself.  That global travel was not a sign of maturity, but extreme immaturity.  Those previous relationship she told me about didn't bring her wisdom about what she wanted in a man - they were red flags that she doesn't know what she wants or who she is.  Recovering from drug addiction didn't mean she was strong and that she learned a life lesson, it meant that she stopped one bad behavior and moved into other bad behaviors because if she hadn't she would be dead and I would have never met her. 

[Turkish]

It seems another theme here is that most of us appear to be extremely strong people with darn established senses of self... . yet we find ourselves with these people. WHY? For me, I wonder if their initial sense of grandiosity lures us in.

I've given a lot of thought to how I wound up in a relationship with a pwBPD, and maybe this is a subject for a new thread. 

I started a thread on the PI board based upon what MGE said, if anyone cares to chime in. I think it is a very interesting question. I could identify with a lot of what you wrote, maxsterling.

[chelishere42005]

my gf is addicted to sex and porn, internet/phone, food and movies.  Anything that is a distraction.  When she admitted the sex addiction to me she went to meetings for a little while and then felt uncomfortable because she was usually the only woman there with a bunch of guys.  I didn't realize what BPD or bipolar really were until our relationship and it has just been so crazy learning about it all.  I thought the sex addiction thing was bad enough and then I found out it was just a symptom of the overall diagnosis.  We worked through that and were ok about a year, she still struggled with the self loathing and suicidal thoughts.  So that is sometimes why I don't get worked up about the internet and movie issue.  She is trying to cope with the thoughts and so I just don't let it bother me.

Do you think you could try to move the destructive addictions towards less harmful ones?  This latest episode with my gf has made me learn a lot more than these issues and I think there is hope if they are willing to work towards it.  If I am able to stick around that long.

[lemon flower]

 I really think at the core of BPD is a lack of personal identity - they don't know what defines them.  

Mine certainly defines herself by her attachments. When she perceived I abandoned her, her world fell apart and she desperately attached to another. I found something written in her journal, "I'm a daughter, sister, mother, lover... . " No. That is not who someone is, those are the roles you happen to fill at various points in your life.

thing is that they are very aware of these roles they fulfill, my ex used to say there were different persons inside him.

not in a schyzofrenic way, he knew he was just one person, but he sensed them as different parts of himself acting and he said often he couldn't take responsibility for what some of his nasty personalities had done, because he didn't identify himself with those parts.

what sounded very strange in my ears in those days was that he always asked me who I wanted him to be!

he told me litterally: just describe to me what kind of man you want me to be, I can change and become any person you want me to be

now I'm realising that this was not nonsense for him, this is how he goes through life  

unfortunately they are wrong, they can not just become someone else, they stay their disordered self trying to become a better person, tragically sad if you realise it

can therapy do something about this lack of self, can BPD's actively work on building a self ?

[HealingForMe]

thing is that they are very aware of these roles they fulfill, my ex used to say there were different persons inside him.

not in a schyzofrenic way, he knew he was just one person, but he sensed them as different parts of himself acting and he said often he couldn't take responsibility for what some of his nasty personalities had done, because he didn't identify himself with those parts.

While he may not be able to control some of the things that he says/does, he absolutely must take responsibility for them. My BPDexgf has often used her mental illness as an excuse to behave however she wanted... . thats not acceptable!

can therapy do something about this lack of self, can BPD's actively work on building a self ?

I'm an eternal optimist. I believe anyone can change if they really want to... .