Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
July 09, 2025, 02:33:22 AM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Things we can't afford to ignore
Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts
Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has BPD
My Definition of Love. I have Borderline Personality Disorder.
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
89
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
struggling need some help please
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: struggling need some help please (Read 545 times)
guitargrl
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 67
struggling need some help please
«
on:
March 10, 2014, 10:26:14 PM »
I have had no contact with my exBPDbf for a month now…yay! I go through periods of intense sadness, anger, pain, happiness, self discovery etc…and it cycles over again. Back and forth through all the stages of grief I guess. Tonight I feel so angry. So angry I gave this monster 3 years of my life, so angry that I could have lasted this long in a relationship that recycled every week or two…for real. I am coming out of the FOG a bit and really seeing how dysfunctional it was (his other relationship were the exact same pattern) I have always known it was dysfunctional but I wanted to make it right, it seemed so easy if he would just stop being crazy. I know now it is impossible am not hoping for a recycle, although at times my self esteem would just love for him to come crawling back and validating my goodness….I mean I have issues I know, but damn I went above and beyond trying to help him and love him. My children love him and miss him. When he left after a recycle a month ago, angry because my 12 year old wanted to sleep in my bed and I would not let him sleep overnight with my children here (because it was so confusing for them…I told him I wanted us to be stable for at least 2 weeks before he started spending the night again. I let him stay over on the 3 nights a week they were with their dad) I just wanted so bad to model a normal healthy relationship for them. He said he competes with my children! ugh…. he left and then hated me AGAIN…said I was the worst person on the earth…I coddled him and tried to make it better but he went in psychotic mode then silent mode and I deleted him from everything…knowing I couldn't take it one more time. I still assumed he would be back, but he hasn't and I am growing stronger and really really am ready to move on. I have been working on myself tremendously. I want this to be over and most days I am doing better….but tonight I am mad that he is friends with my children, my parents and all my close friends on Facebook (the ones he hating me talking to) and I am angry that I have access to his email and still at times can't help but look and it just makes me mad. I don't want to look at his email, I don't want him to be on my son's Facebook accounts, after how he treated me and especially how he could also just walk out of their life…. so my question is, would it give him pleasure if I had my boys block him from Facebook or is that ok….would it be ok to change his password on his email to something I could never remember so I don't have access to it… These things hurt me. my boy leaves Facebook up all the time and I just can't seem to stop myself from looking….ugh. I just want him out of every space of my life and my children's lives! I cannot even begin to express how emotionally abusive he was and the longer I am out of it the more I can't believe I stuck around so long. I am so angry and frankly saddened about how much I do not like him. I have never before thought someone was just a cruel, evil person until him. I know he is mentally ill…but I don't care. He is purely an empty soul. I wish he did not illicit such intense emotion in me still!
Logged
LettingGo14
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 751
Re: struggling need some help please
«
Reply #1 on:
March 10, 2014, 10:37:07 PM »
I am sorry you are struggling right now, but you definitely came to the right place. Anger at my xBPDgf is something I struggle with still. I feel like I wasted four years sometimes. This quote, attributed to Buddha, helps me:
"Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."
One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that I need to process, rather than repress or express my anger. How do I process anger? First, I sit with it without acting on it. I let it boil, and I try to step aside and watch it boil. The more I do that, the more it passes like a quick thunderstorm. Second, I come here and post, or read old threads. The more I do that I realize I'm not alone. My failed relationship, the FOG, and the suffering teach me something about me. It's a process, for sure.
Thanks for writing, guitargrl. You are not alone.
Logged
guitargrl
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 67
Re: struggling need some help please
«
Reply #2 on:
March 10, 2014, 10:48:09 PM »
Thank you LettingGo14, I can't begin to express how much the boards have helped me. I don't know what I would do without them. No one understands why I have stayed so long, why I am still hurting…. as time goes by and I learn more, I am starting to understand so much about myself. I am thankful for that!
Logged
woodsposse
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 586
Re: struggling need some help please
«
Reply #3 on:
March 10, 2014, 10:53:48 PM »
I agree. You are not alone.
I was very angry and very hurt when we split. It wasn't like the times we recycled before... . years ago - when we were just dating. Now, we were married... . spent a lot of time raising my kids, getting a house, dogs, cats blah blah blah.
When the lying became obvious and the pattern was full blown, I went the last few years in sheer hell while still trying to work (as well as finish a college degree). It was horrible.
I tried to do L/C while I was trying to get back on my feet. She wouldn't see that happen. She kept breaking through boundaries... . doing a half recycle... . especially when she figured out I was serious about moving on and started seeing a very wonderful new woman.
All while I'm trying to get on with my new life, we still talked and argued - and have some "emotional" moments of missing each other (which was total crap the next day). But I never took the bait fully and continued on with my life.
Holding on to the anger (and to her, somewhat) - just prolonged the detachment.
And finding this site, this support group, helped put everything into perspective. I realized I wasn't alone in how I was feeling. So I had to take it to the next level and determine what it was in me that allowed me to hold on so long (because it wasn't just a normal relationship dynamic going on... . I always knew there was something else).
I'm very glad I found here. I finally have a name for it - and it makes perfect perfect sense.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Please know that. The anger will go away and acceptance of where you are can sit in. And hopefully you can use this time to focus on you. Just you.
Because you deserve it.
Logged
cheaptrick
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 167
Re: struggling need some help please
«
Reply #4 on:
March 11, 2014, 07:32:04 AM »
Guitar girl, guitar guy here. I have been there too. Here is what can help as it helped me. Take long walks with Iphone and youtube.com search settings to "BPD" or "NPD. There are many many videos about coping or understanding the illness. Its not that any of them are better than the others, its that you eventually get this internal repetition regarding how badly they are messed up, and you eventually and subconsciously start adopting a attitude about the illness and you can become your own self healer by making this part of your daily routine. Self affirmation if you will.
What happens is that you get the health benefits of walking, and start getting sick and tired of being sick and tired of researching BPD. In other words, you start to distance yourself from the topic and illness affecting you and come back to these boards much more educated and you start helping others. NC RULES!
1. Deactivate FB account asap. No peeking at his or thru others. If you do, start NC over and penalize yourself for doing so by adding 2 miles to every infraction. Don't cheat, walk it off.
2. After two weeks, start missing Pandora positive music with up beat tempo between the youtube videos about BPD. Also, I don't expect you to watch these videos just listen to them while you walk
3. I am a professional touring musician myself, but do not pick up the guitar unless its up tempo or you are writing music. Make sure the topic of your song is about awakening or a new day, moving on with your life, family and health vs him and his issues. Self affirmations again, in that you will be ok, healthier by healing. When its all said and done, your hotter than hell, fit and ready for a new man. Make his illness another non BPDBF suitors playground
4. Go NC by the hour when you do this. Don't think of 30 days or 60 days NC, do it by the hour. He or she who contacts first LOSES!
5. NC also means cutting him off from the kids and family. They are nothing more than his NPD supply and he is incapable of empathy or caring if it means THEY are his Trojan Horse to control you. With BPD, none of your family really matter to them in the long run. Once they know you are gone, so are they. In other words. He DIED! PERIOD! MOVE ON!
What happens over time is that your daily walks reinvigorate you and makes you healthy. You burn calories and burn off memories. You punish your NC with extended miles in walking. You make NC a week, and then try the second week. NO EXCUSES IN THAT HE HAD YOUR TOOTH BRUSH OR ITEM YOU NEEDED BACK. No items short of the ashes of your relatives are worth breaking NC to retrieve. Don't listen to all the " NC to get your ex back bs"! its about you breaking the emotional and physical addiction to this turd, and moving on with your wonderful life so that you can meet Mr. Right who is out there. believe me, he is out there. There are 7B people on this Earth, (perhaps more?) what are your odds of meeting a new gent? Pretty flipping great if you ask me! The great thing is that you will walk that BPDturd out of your life and heart and be ready for the world all fresh and shiny and new! And just think, you may have a hit song due to this one BPDguy ... . who in the end, was just an interesting GROUP of people. PS: Get the app "Map My Walk" and start with 3 miles. 1 1/2 and back. If its raining, wear a jacket with a hood, just WALK!
Don't join a gym if you don't already belong. First commit to walking for free before you make that decision and risk losing money on a membership you may not use.
Logged
cheaptrick
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 167
Re: struggling need some help please
«
Reply #5 on:
March 11, 2014, 07:45:37 AM »
Correction: I meant to say start "mixing" Pandora music as you grow away from listening to youtube BPD videos. No "fashionably depressed" songs from the indie crowd, make it up tempo stuff. Also, after two weeks of walking BPDturd out of your life, return to this board and help a newbie in pain! By then you will be more educated and empowered! PS: tune your guitar to open G like in bluegrass. You cant play a sad minor chord that ez with that tuning, and you always see bluegrass musicians smile. Of course there could be genetics involved in that DNA strand. I am a country musician and rocker, but my banjo playing bro seems to have something not right about him ... . and he is always happy!
Logged
guitargrl
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 67
Re: struggling need some help please
«
Reply #6 on:
March 11, 2014, 07:56:06 AM »
Thanks so much Harvej! I appreciate all the helpful info…... I am inspired! I have been trying hard to play and write music that is focused more on the positives in life instead of drowning in sorrow. I am a member of the gym so I have been trying to work out and get healthy. I love your walking therapy I am going to give that a shot too… the dog will love it. I feel so much better at times and then feel such despair again later. I just have such a hard time wrapping my brain around how someone could be so cruel to another. Thank you though so much!
Logged
Landslide2014
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 102
Re: struggling need some help please
«
Reply #7 on:
March 11, 2014, 08:55:30 AM »
Thank you for your honesty and your post this am guitargrl. I can relate to the moments of weakness and the desire to know. I guess that's what makes us human and also what creates another opportunity for us to grow from? I appreciate the Buddhist quote about anger, lettinggo, so much sense with so little words. And the advice around it is very helpful. I feel like I needed that help today because sometimes I just cannot let the anger go and I know that it's really me who is the prisoner as a result of it. And Harvej, that validation (unknowingly) was timely. As I work on the elliptical right now as I write this with headphones as my finish to visiting this site (and doing my "homework" I have peace knowing that I am on the right path. Thank you. You have all been my higher power and I am so grateful to have found this site. Keep posting guitargrl... . Get it all out and allow for your human moments.
Logged
Serenity to accept... Courage to change... Wisdom to know.
guitargrl
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 67
Re: struggling need some help please
«
Reply #8 on:
March 11, 2014, 05:59:08 PM »
Thank you Landslide and all of you… I am feeling a little less anger today and wayyyy less anxious! Went for a bike ride, hung out with a wonderful supportive friend…and have some clarity for the moment. I am so grateful for all of you!
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
> Topic:
struggling need some help please
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...