Closure letter I sent... maybe a bad idea but did it to right my own wrongs...

[barbwire911]

Broke NC today and wrote a closure letter and sent it as I felt there was one really wrong thing I had done (threatened to tell my exBPD ex spouse about the fact he slept with her 17 year old cousin under their former roof (they just separated a few months ago and we were friends prior before engaging in the shortest relationship with so many "leaving/marrying/just friends" elements (depending on how he felt and the day)).  He had told me that in confidence and I threatened to use it against him last week in our last argument before I went NC so I felt that was a dirty card I played and told him I would not do that and apologized.  I know he loved silent treatment so do not expect anything back at all which is fine. I am a huge communicator and believe there are many angles to things whereas he totally saw the black and white all the time.  LOL... weird as at our work his position is Analyst. I actually think it is better as I am better off without the constant drama, up and down emotions and chaos in my life. I feel better I sent it as wanted to get that threat i made off my chest as it was wrong but our relationship was so abnormal and now even though only a week it is so nice to have stability and calm. Here is my letter:

X= my exbfwBPD ex wife

Y= my exbfwBPD ex wife cousin

Z= my ex husband

B= supervisor at work of me and exbfwBPD

C= 16 year old dog walker my exbfwBPD is now with according to his ex wife

A= my exbfwBPD

(yeah... . messy right?)

"Just for your own reassurance and to apologize, I have no intention of ever telling X about Y and the whole preggers fiasco you confided in me. I will take it to my grave amongst other confidences from u and others. As I always told u when we were friends, it is not my mistake or story to tell and you told me in confidence and it was a dirty move I used on u to say I may tell X. That is not in my nature however with X yelling at me on the phone I was a "dirty slutty whore" upset me. I also told u stuff about my life and family in confidence when we were friends and I hope u would keep those to yourself too.

And when Z heard X through the phone he went crazy after being polite for so long and enduring your clothing thrown on his lawn by X amongst her other past tirades when she contacted him needlessly to rant about u. At some point, one man can only take so much. I did not know he sent her that message but he said enough was enough with her freaking out as she chose on whoever and whenever. I felt bad when u told me about the message so that was the only reason I called u twice at work was to see how I could help defuse the issue. You know that and I could care less about harrassing you. Personally I wish X would go away and I hope me or Z never hear from her again. She is blocked by us on our FB accounts and even after she said she would block Z and call "law enforcement" (?) She still did not block him and went on so we blocked her ourselves.

And then for X to tell Z u used me all along and possibly cheated on me when we were supposedly a couple was shocking for me and mean. Now given your behaviour to me and how up and down things were plus lack of communication I assume what she is saying came from your statements to her and are the truth. You know I never harrassed you but I just want this to be all over and despite X pushing Z and I to the limit here with all the previous months of craziness (whether some of it truth or not) I just want to reassure u I am not stating any of that Y thing to anyone.

And just FYI. One thing B said to me was "you and A were very discreet about your relationship and I assumed u were a couple as I saw you always together as I never heard anything and nor did any of us. " He actually said he wishes other couples were that normal functioning and professional and discreet at work until this whole thing happened which he suggested we leave work out on our FB stuff, etc as it is personal and he has more important things to do and if we have issues we be adults and resolve them through talking or EAP or whatever. I fully agree.

Anyways the point is I hope this drama is done and we all just move on whether you with X or C or one of the other women X has alluded to. The drama alone is too much and I am not used to all this. I told you we are not good together due to the drama and lack of communication, different lifestyles, what I need is not you and vice versa, etc. But I hope we can just shut the door on this and if we see each other by chance at work, be civil and not feel hostile from all this.

Again, I apologize for threatening to tell X about Y and you had some low blows too for me (from both u and X yet it was X that continually harrassed Z until he cracked) which hurt me. I never knew your intention, as X put in her email to me, was to use me all along and that did hurt but I am getting better and learning not to trust and help people as much anymore and be as giving or gullible so maybe it was a good lesson learned.

What X said to Z was not nice either but I guess the truth hurts sometimes and when you think u thought u had a friend and it was never real to begin with, has stung me as I value my friends highly. But I only try to remember the fun times with you and not all the bad as I do want to believe there was even a small percent that our friendship was real and all the cruelness and callousness we have all exhibited to each other is so shameful.

Anyways I just wanted to put my part to bed with my apology as I felt that Y thing was not right of me. I promise no one will ever know your secret no matter what and I needed to apologize to get closure of this so I feel better doing the right thing.

And unless you have anything you feel you need to say, then no need to respond. I just wanted to right the wrong I did with the Y thing as that was not right.

But with you and me it gets too difficult as X gets in there and I never know if she is the normal one and truthful or you are. And I am not used to the drama so I do not know what to believe. She sounds normal and then she also lashes out. I agree with her on some things though and I feel bad she is hurting overall.

But I think life is better if we just stay apart and at work just be decent if we have to ever work on anything. It is sad but there is just too much drama when we are friends and each day I cherish the normalacy and stability and simplicity my life has returned to despite moments I have where I sometimes miss the good times we had as buddies. I feel good now as have spoken my feelings as you know I believe in communication. Again no need to respond in any fashion at all but for me closure to an ending is important and for me, that involves telling you where I stand and righting any mistakes. On that note, wish u well with everything and hope stability and calm come to your life soon too."

[barbwire911]

Oh and please keep in mind while reading that both my exbfwBPD as well as his ex wife have BPD,but he has Narc tendencies too.  It was a mess and given he cheated on his ex numerous times, she went after me and my ex with a vengence no matter we did nothing to her at all. It was just so complex and ridiculous and having two of them with BPD was insane. 

[Tausk]

Hi Barb:

I can't say that I managed to read it all in great detail from XY and Z to AB and C  , but it is clearly a mess.  But not necessarily any messier than anyone else's interactions here on the board, so we understand the confusion and chaos.

I hope that your writing provided you closure.  You will not receive any validation from you ex.  No acknowledgement, no sense of responsibility, no apology.  Not because he won't but because he can't.  He can not process what you have written.   He is too limited in capacity.

So, my question to you is, when you feel like you can start writing about your own feelings and actions as well as your ex's.  Part of my recovery was to bring the focus of my attention and mindfulness to me.  Obsessing about my ex was pounded into me due to the trauma bond.  

Breaking that bond is difficult and required introspection and self awareness of the FOG and my FOO issues.  I had to ask myself, why did the interaction feel so familiar?  Why did I get lost in the FOG.  Why wasn't able to establish and protect my personal boundaries.  And the answers were in looking at my ex.  I found my answers by looking at myself.  

I hope you keep venting.  It's important.  We understand.  It's a Disorder.  It's destructive. It's a trauma bond.  And it take time, work, and honesty to break free.  We can find freedom together.

T

[HealingForMe]

Hi Barb,

Yes that is quite a twisted tale. & 2 pwBPD in a r/s together? Talk about a volcano ready to explode!

I hope you keep venting.  It's important.  We understand.  It's a Disorder.  It's destructive. It's a trauma bond.  And it take time, work, and honesty to break free.  We can find freedom together.

Well said. It is a process & it can take a while. Dont put pressure on yourself to feel like it needs to go at any particular pace... . its different for everyone & every situation... . & yours is very complex.

Keep venting . We're all a big family trying to sort things out with each others help & support.

Good luck & stay strong 

[barbwire911]

Yeah it was a crazy mess. Oh I am in therapy and know that it has to do with my dad as he has bipolar and was so unpredictable and as a little girl I always tried and tried and thought if I just did this right, etc he would be good, etc.  So this guy was exactly the same and I was repeating patterns over. Despite knowing and working on that though, (and feeling better daily) it is still a loss though.  And I know I will never receive anything from the ex... . likely he will do another recycle attempt in a few months as he always does when he goes silent like this for a while as his form of punishment to me. But no more recycling for me... . it really is too much.