Me and my BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

For those of you who don't know, I made an introductory post -- "Hi all, what a sordid story…."  -- in the New Members board just today and want to offer my story as I've just started to comment on the many heart wrenching and salient posts offered by other members and now want to present my own to you.

To give the fullest context I feel I have to give a little pre-amble of the events which led up to my relationship with my pwBPD.  Please be patient, I'll try to be brief while sticking to the facts I know.  Even recalling the bizarre stream of events I chose to live through is both therapeutic and gut punching.  Like reliving the death of someone you knew and loved (Her? Me? Our entangled family and friends?) and hitting me in places which I'm not certain I was prepared to have hit so soon.  So, please be patient, this really hurts... .

My story starts not with my uBPDexgf but with her (now separated) husband.  I will call my uBPDexgf ":)" and her separated husband "M". 

I met M when I was in college as we had a close mutual friend in one of my classmates. My relationship with M remained casual throughout college and didn't grow closer until many years later through a mutual love of golf and shared mutual friends who also played. Post college, some 10 years later, M was about to get married to a girl he'd known since he was 5, ":)". M & D's families grew up a few houses apart in an affluent community, attended high school together (but never dated) and were reconnected after M went off to college.  D meanwhile, did not finish high school and became involved with a bad crowd, including M's adopted brother, who had a drug and alcohol problem and was living on the edge.

This came to a head one night when D ended up in a near fatal car accident in which M's adopted brother was driving the car.  D's father, a wealthy doctor who was also one of her abusers (verbal and physical but not sexual according to D), told her at the time it would have been better had she died.  So, after D's accident M's parents offered to take D in (while their son M was away at college) and nurse her since D's father had evicted D from his house, would not support her and he was soon due to leave the country, retire from practicing medicine and live abroad (like Hannibal Lecter  ). 

Some brief background facts about D, most of which I would learn soon after the initial "rescue" phase of my early enmeshment (the 1st 3 months) with her:

D is the second youngest of 6 children including a half-sister by her father and a woman he had an affair with while he was married to M's mother.

D's natural mother is an alcoholic and former drug user and lives out of state (from D).

D witnessed her father and mother beating one another regularly until they divorced when D was around 6 or 7.

D was sexually molested by her caregivers, including nannies, throughout her adolescence, and her mother's boyfriend up through her teens.

When D's mother's boyfriend died, he summoned D to the hospital to apologize for what he did to her.  D's mother never acknowledged the molesations.

D's father offered D's mother a cash settlement to relieve her of the kids, who, according to D's father, she said she never wanted.  Nor though, did D's father.

When they were children, D's father drilled into their heads that the only important thing to do in life was make money, thus this OBGYN (ironic, yes) owned a large, garish house, wore furs and, employed a butler and maid and had the kids chauffeured to school in a limousine which he had purchased.

D's oldest brother is a chronic pill user, married with 2 kids, unemployed and suffers from depression and a new fatal disease regularly each month for the last 10 years. (Let that one sink in).

D's other older brother is high-functioning in a creative industry, lives a jet-set life and recently fathered a child outside his marriage to his current wife of 10 years and their own natural son.

D's older sister is a high-functioning professional, now divorced, who was in a 10-year marriage that was riddled by her own verbal abuse and adultery.  She planned to write a "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" style self-help book for women about getting out of toxic marriages though in fact she was/is the toxic abuser.

D's youngest brother is an alcoholic spouse abuser who lives on the edge of rural poverty (near D's mother) and is recently divorced.  Loaded guns were regularly pointed at one another between he and his former wife.  They have a young son together.  I believe she has custody.

D was homeless as an 18-year-old and slept in her car and for quite a while was suicidal (not now).

D, now 45, has been in and out of therapy since she was 20.

D suffered from an eating disorder in her 20's-30's, has major panic and anxiety attacks, and still fights with body image issues today.  She plucks her eyelashes out when the panic gets severe.

D just returned to therapy 4 months ago (after much consternation and at my behest) initially regarding emotional problems with her and M's children (both early preteens) but now attends for herself. 

D's most recent therapist, D says, is the only one she's been honest with among the several she's seen over two decades. No dx's ever (she tells me) but her present therapist has been giving her emotional regulation tools and encouraging to work on building identity. 

The above details, and many more, were all revealed to me in a relatively short space of time (inside the 1st couple of months) and I listened to them all like a rapt audience engrossed in a hit play. 

More on D later and then I will tell you about me... .

After M returned from college and moved to another city to work, D was living/working in a nearby city with her older sister about 25 minutes away.  D was working a high-paying job in real estate, making good money and living a high life but was battling with depression, an eating disorder and sexual dysfunction (though always consensual as I'm told).  At some point M and D reconnected, starting dating and ultimately M (to the bane of his parents, who always felt she was bad news and not matched to him, the soon-to-be Ivy League MBA grad) proposed.  The night before M and D's wedding, I received a phone call from M and when I asked what was wrong he said "I don't want to get married."  When I asked him why (I assumed cold feet, nerves, etc.) he said, "I don't know, I just don't want to be married. I just don't."  We talked for about an hour, I recall, and eventually got off the phone, I thought, his nerves calmed.  The next day, to Jerry Springer-like drama from mutual family members I hear (I wasn't able to attend though I was invited), they were married.

Some 5 or 6 years later, M threw a big birthday party -- we had been close friends now for quite some time -- which I attended and first formally met his wife D.  They had two very young children now, a boy and a girl, and I had only heard D's name mentioned before and don't recall ever physically meeting her.  That all changed that night.

On first sight of D, I remember thinking, "Wow, she doesn't seem like the kind of woman my friend M would marry."  IN fact the seemed the polar opposite.  She had large breasts (enhanced considerably from 2 surgeries), dressed provocatively, was loud, brash and was generally what appeared a direct contrast to my thoughtful, whip smart, conservative (personally not politically) and chronically laid-back friend M.  Now M's family was very wealthy, so D enjoyed and loved to showcase all the perks of being married to a wealthy man.  Expensive clothes, car, etc.  She did not work and always seemed to be throwing parties for her friends and footing the bill.  And though they lived in a fairly modest community, D already appeared like a character from "The Real Housewives of…".

But the most telling sign that night was when we were introduced.  She had been drinking -- as all of her married with children friends from the neighborhood seemed to do regularly -- and greeted me with a "Hey, Baby!" (her common greeting to nearly everyone she sees) and went on to grab me full on the a--, right in the living room of her home with her friends, M, and M's parents all present.  I remember thinking, "Wow, this woman, my friend M's wife, just straight grabbed me on the a--."  Not just a brush but a full-on squeeze like she was juicing a Meyer lemon with the flesh oozing between her fingers.  I remember at that moment being shocked, a little embarrassed, then suddenly feeling sad and confused for both myself and my friend M, who was, and would remain from that point on, totally oblivious.  Or perhaps willfully so.  And that, as I now see it nearly 7 years later, was the beginning of the end.

The next part, my own background and "M & D's marriage is not what it seems... . "

I'll try to post tomorrow 

[Sunny Side]

For those of you who don't know, I made an introductory post -- "Hi all, what a sordid story…."  -- in the New Members board just today and want to offer my story as I've just started to comment on the many heart wrenching and salient posts offered by other members and now want to present my own to you.

To give the fullest context I feel I have to give a little pre-amble of the events which led up to my relationship with my pwBPD.  Please be patient, I'll try to be brief while sticking to the facts I know.  Even recalling the bizarre stream of events I chose to live through is both therapeutic and gut punching.  Like reliving the death of someone you knew and loved (Her? Me? Our entangled family and friends?) and hitting me in places which I'm not certain I was prepared to have hit so soon.  So, please be patient, this really hurts... .

My story starts not with my uBPDexgf but with her (now separated) husband.  I will call my uBPDexgf ":)" and her separated husband "M". 

I met M when I was in college as we had a close mutual friend in one of my classmates. My relationship with M remained casual throughout college and didn't grow closer until many years later through a mutual love of golf and shared mutual friends who also played. Post college, some 10 years later, M was about to get married to a girl he'd known since he was 5, ":)". M & D's families grew up a few houses apart in an affluent community, attended high school together (but never dated) and were reconnected after M went off to college.  D meanwhile, did not finish high school and became involved with a bad crowd, including M's adopted brother, who had a drug and alcohol problem and was living on the edge.

This came to a head one night when D ended up in a near fatal car accident in which M's adopted brother was driving the car.  D's father, a wealthy doctor who was also one of her abusers (verbal and physical but not sexual according to D), told her at the time it would have been better had she died.  So, after D's accident M's parents offered to take D in (while their son M was away at college) and nurse her since D's father had evicted D from his house, would not support her and he was soon due to leave the country, retire from practicing medicine and live abroad (like Hannibal Lecter  ). 

Some brief background facts about D, most of which I would learn soon after the initial "rescue" phase of my early enmeshment (the 1st 3 months) with her:

D is the second youngest of 6 children including a half-sister by her father and a woman he had an affair with while he was married to M's mother.

D's natural mother is an alcoholic and former drug user and lives out of state (from D).

D witnessed her father and mother beating one another regularly until they divorced when D was around 6 or 7.

D was sexually molested by her caregivers, including nannies, throughout her adolescence, and her mother's boyfriend up through her teens.

When D's mother's boyfriend died, he summoned D to the hospital to apologize for what he did to her.  D's mother never acknowledged the molesations.

D's father offered D's mother a cash settlement to relieve her of the kids, who, according to D's father, she said she never wanted.  Nor though, did D's father.

When they were children, D's father drilled into their heads that the only important thing to do in life was make money, thus this OBGYN (ironic, yes) owned a large, garish house, wore furs and, employed a butler and maid and had the kids chauffeured to school in a limousine which he had purchased.

D's oldest brother is a chronic pill user, married with 2 kids, unemployed and suffers from depression and a new fatal disease regularly each month for the last 10 years. (Let that one sink in).

D's other older brother is high-functioning in a creative industry, lives a jet-set life and recently fathered a child outside his marriage to his current wife of 10 years and their own natural son.

D's older sister is a high-functioning professional, now divorced, who was in a 10-year marriage that was riddled by her own verbal abuse and adultery.  She planned to write a "How Stella Got Her Groove Back" style self-help book for women about getting out of toxic marriages though in fact she was/is the toxic abuser.

D's youngest brother is an alcoholic spouse abuser who lives on the edge of rural poverty (near D's mother) and is recently divorced.  Loaded guns were regularly pointed at one another between he and his former wife.  They have a young son together.  I believe she has custody.

D was homeless as an 18-year-old and slept in her car and for quite a while was suicidal (not now).

D, now 45, has been in and out of therapy since she was 20.

D suffered from an eating disorder in her 20's-30's, has major panic and anxiety attacks, and still fights with body image issues today.  She plucks her eyelashes out when the panic gets severe.

D just returned to therapy 4 months ago (after much consternation and at my behest) initially regarding emotional problems with her and M's children (both early preteens) but now attends for herself. 

D's most recent therapist, D says, is the only one she's been honest with among the several she's seen over two decades. No dx's ever (she tells me) but her present therapist has been giving her emotional regulation tools and encouraging to work on building identity. 

The above details, and many more, were all revealed to me in a relatively short space of time (inside the 1st couple of months) and I listened to them all like a rapt audience engrossed in a hit play. 

More on D later and then I will tell you about me... .

After M returned from college and moved to another city to work, D was living/working in a nearby city with her older sister about 25 minutes away.  D was working a high-paying job in real estate, making good money and living a high life but was battling with depression, an eating disorder and sexual dysfunction (though always consensual as I'm told).  At some point M and D reconnected, starting dating and ultimately M (to the bane of his parents, who always felt she was bad news and not matched to him, the soon-to-be Ivy League MBA grad) proposed.  The night before M and D's wedding, I received a phone call from M and when I asked what was wrong he said "I don't want to get married."  When I asked him why (I assumed cold feet, nerves, etc.) he said, "I don't know, I just don't want to be married. I just don't."  We talked for about an hour, I recall, and eventually got off the phone, I thought, his nerves calmed.  The next day, to Jerry Springer-like drama from mutual family members I hear (I wasn't able to attend though I was invited), they were married.

Some 5 or 6 years later, M threw a big birthday party -- we had been close friends now for quite some time -- which I attended and first formally met his wife D.  They had two very young children now, a boy and a girl, and I had only heard D's name mentioned before and don't recall ever physically meeting her.  That all changed that night.

On first sight of D, I remember thinking, "Wow, she doesn't seem like the kind of woman my friend M would marry."  IN fact the seemed the polar opposite.  She had large breasts (enhanced considerably from 2 surgeries), dressed provocatively, was loud, brash and was generally what appeared a direct contrast to my thoughtful, whip smart, conservative (personally not politically) and chronically laid-back friend M.  Now M's family was very wealthy, so D enjoyed and loved to showcase all the perks of being married to a wealthy man.  Expensive clothes, car, etc.  She did not work and always seemed to be throwing parties for her friends and footing the bill.  And though they lived in a fairly modest community, D already appeared like a character from "The Real Housewives of…".

But the most telling sign that night was when we were introduced.  She had been drinking -- as all of her married with children friends from the neighborhood seemed to do regularly -- and greeted me with a "Hey, Baby!" (her common greeting to nearly everyone she sees) and went on to grab me full on the a--, right in the living room of her home with her friends, M, and M's parents all present.  I remember thinking, "Wow, this woman, my friend M's wife, just straight grabbed me on the a--."  Not just a brush but a full-on squeeze like she was juicing a Meyer lemon with the flesh oozing between her fingers.  I remember at that moment being shocked, a little embarrassed, then suddenly feeling sad and confused for both myself and my friend M, who was, and would remain from that point on, totally oblivious.  Or perhaps willfully so.  And that, as I now see it nearly 7 years later, was the beginning of the end.

The next part, my own background and "M & D's marriage is not what it seems... . "

I'll try to post tomorrow 

[Aussie0zborn]

Yep. I can see this story unfolding. First red flag : too much personal information and sob stories very early on. This as we now know, is designed to get you in to "protector" mode.

I look forward to reading your next instalment.

[Sunny Side]

Enmeshment -- “True love is not wrapped up in a drive to rescue, overprotect, control, or manipulate. It genuinely wants the best for the other person.  An enmeshed person’s goal, whether they realize it or not, is to protect the other person at all costs—even if they’re protected from the consequences of their own bad behavior. A person with healthy boundaries allows others to experience the consequences of their own choices."

Trauma bonds -- "Exploitive relationships create trauma bonds. These occur when one bonds

with someone who is destructive to them. Similarly, adult survivors of abusive

and dysfunctional families struggle with bonds that are rooted in their own

trauma experiences. To be loyal to that which does not work – or worse, to a

person who is toxic, exploitive, or destructive, is a form of insanity."

Hi everyone, as said in my last post ("1st installment", here's some background on me and my FOO (family of origin).  Again, thanks for your patience in my telling of my story, this is the first I've written about it in any form and the process is awakening a lot of helpful emotion.

Also FYI:

"M" is the separated husband of my uBPDexGF.

":)" is my uBPDexgf, M's separated wife.

Some background on me... .

I'm single, never married, college educated and now in my 40's. Worked successfully in a creative industry but have been struggling the last few years.

My last r/s (before my r/s with D) lasted almost 8 years to a very nice woman but was problematic. It started out as primarily a sexual r/s (mutually agreed upon with many reservations from me at the time) and remained a monogamous r/s-friendship as it progressed.  I realize now the r/s was largely codependent on my behalf.

My parents (FOO) have been married to each other more than 50 years.

My parents were both emotionally unavailable, although I never realized this until I became an adult away from home in college.

I always felt loved as a child but had no real reference point for emotional support (or lack of it) throughout my childhood.  I did well in school and had many friends so didn't know or feel anything was "missing" from my FOO.

I felt I had a happy childhood relatively free of major trauma, but now realize that an abandonment by a group of close friends in primary school may have led to many future codependent behaviors in many of my adult r/s's.

People have always felt I was teflon (I personally never have) because of my calm, typically rational persona, although I've always felt empathic and in tune with my own emotions and feelings and the emotions and feelings of others.

I now realize that I have held back in intimate r/s's from expressing hurts, fears, wants, trespasses and disappointments to others when they happen and probably used passive-aggressive (control) behaviors toward them to cope.

I have two siblings, an older sister who married an emotionally unavailable man much like my father and committed suicide 10 years ago.  She was a terrific, spirited woman but was in a lot of pain and I miss her.

My older brother is now divorced (married 10 yrs), has three young children and married a caring but emotionally frenetic/abusive and damaged woman who he has inadvertently, imo, remained caretaker of.

I am the youngest child and always felt I was the "Michael Corleone" of the family and was supposed to go on to great things (I never did go on the "great things" btw, and recently struggled)

I'm fearful that my codependent, caretaker tendencies have led me to react to the needs of others, including my last two r/s's rather than proactively seek/nurture/protect my own. 

Before I entered my r/s with D, I stayed out of r/s's for 3 years -- after the end of my previous one -- largely to become a hermit (somewhat) and deal with my own crises (depression and family matters).

During my three-year hiatus from r/s's I fell into a depression, the first I'd ever experienced.

During that depression I spent many weekends and time with my friend M and his family.  M's two children became like my own and we were all very close.

It was also during that time that I would became friends with M's wife D and started to develop a friendship with her.

So, to pick up from Part 1:

During the period after M's birthday party I would develop a much closer relationship with M as he was diagnosed with MS soon after and would begin a long journey into seeking treatment.  During this time, before the disease would slowly strip away his health and motor abilities, M and I traveled together, out of and around the country (mostly on weekend golf trips with friends).  M and I would have many conversations about our families and the similarities between them.  We are both the youngest and in some ways considered the prodigal sons.  M's parents were from the same generation as mine and had the same sort of detachment from emotional intimacy that many from their generation (the WWII generation) grew up with.  Stiff upper lip, swallow your pain and don't talk about it!  March! March! March!  I would share stories with M about my own struggles and difficulties with adult life, always with great humor to mask our sadness, and we were both able to achieve much considering. I would learn about M's father, who was quite emotionally abusive and who basically extorted M, after college, into working for his company.  I would learn about M's mother, who was a caretaker/enabler/smotherer, always putting out the many dysfunctional fires in her husband's family, her own, and that of her 3 children.  I felt a kinship with M in this way, in that we were cut from a very similar cloth.  Military fathers who went on to achieve much but also lost much (if not most) of their emotional connection with their kids.  High achieving, ambitious, task oriented mothers, who although different in core personality (I've never seen my own mother cry, ever) shared much connective DNA.  We both enjoyed diverse and worldly groups of friends, enjoyed people (maybe I more than M) and shared a great love for life.  We were friends.

As I would spend more weekends (in the next 3-4 years) with M's family, I would begin to notice that M & D's marriage (in 15 years of friendship, we never discussed his married life much, if at all) was not how it seemed.  They largely lived separate lives.  M pretty much did what he wanted, often traveling out of the country for weeks at a time (solo), remaining emotionally detached from D and their two children (who I know M loves, just never developed connections with).  And D pretty much did what she wanted, which at the time was partying with her friends, who M & D kept separate from one another, and who, though most were married w/kids, were generally consumed with drinking, hanging out and breaking boundaries.  M & D's wealth enabled them, more or less, to live like two children -- even though they had children of their own -- with no real accountability to anyone but themselves.

Around this time I had just emerged from a 3 year r/s hiatus and depression, and was just reconsidering the idea of entering a new relationship, but was not actively pursuing one and it was during this time I started to spend more time talking with D.  Until that point I had largely avoided her because after our first booty-grabbing meeting I discovered that when she was drinking or partying she became quite flirtatious, argumentative and often inappropriate, so I made the decision that when she was this way I would stay away.  If I'm honest, I was actually repulsed by D during most of our early acquaintance because I didn't understand how/why she was so immature, entitled, volatile and out-of-control.  She was constantly inquiring about why I wasn't in a relationship, "You're so handsome, awesome, etc. such-and-such!".  Always over the top.  Even her standard greeting to me "Hi, Handsome!" became normal to me along with the kiss on the lips (her sister was the same way).

I realize much more now, and even partly back then, the dysfunction I was bringing to an already dysfunctional environment.  Barely removed from my own depression, I was becoming enmeshed as the hero/caretaker/rescuer, first of M, then his children, and soon to follow, with D. And I enjoyed it.  It felt good to believe that I was the only functional one (wrong!) in this suburban petri dish of chaos and disorder and that I somehow could rescue and save them all when I was all but half drowned myself. 

After a while, a period in which D had stopped drinking and partying (as much) and was going through her own period of re-evaluation, we started to forge a bond.  Since she had become more sober (though not completely) and less visibly chaotic she started to appear, in my eyes, suddenly human.  Her nature was very inquisitive.  She wanted to know everything about me, mostly revolving around what kind of women I liked (this persisted for a long time and become quite annoying). Her attitude about women, which had always puzzled me, was that they were mostly whores, dumb, materialistic not to be trusted, etc.  She was constantly losing and replacing friends who she loved one day as her BFF's and literally the next week would be no better than "whores".  She firmly believed that the world was full of bad people, and that I was naive because I didn't share the same view.  It used to anger her greatly when I would say I don't have a "type" of woman I seek, and that my only requirement, to start, was that she be a "decent" person at heart.  This used to send her through the roof. 

She was also at that point trying to set me up with her friends (almost like a pimp) who were all, it seemed, quite similar to her.  Wealthy (or coveting wealth), outwardly superficial, hard-partying and very inwardly broken women.  This was her chosen group.  I never took the bait, though one fated night I made the mistake of drinking too much tequila and engaged in some ill-advised kissing with, at the time, one of her most current BFF's.  I remember when D first introduced me to her, the first words out of the woman's mouth were ":)o you think I should get a boob job?".  It never went beyond that night or that party, but D would tell me later during her and my r/s that from that point on she knew I was "bad" and promiscuous.  Though of course this perception of me would constantly change.

As the partying and drinking slowed and the conversations between D and I became more and more frequent, I was invited to attend events with M and D's daughter.  And M, though present at his home, would grow more and more detached from his family (he didn't care to attend his kid's events at all), I would go primarily (in my mind) as a steady male support for their daughter, with whom I had grew close.  During these events D and I would sit together and it was then she started to divulge intimate details about her marriage with D.  The sex had stopped.  There was no intimacy.  They were just friends and roommates, he's not a good father, he's only obsessed with his disease, he's weak, he's selfish, etc.,  I listened to most of this in stunned detachment, thinking I was being a nonjudgmental listener/support but knowing, at least subconsciously that I was now deeply violating boundaries, my own and my friend M's.  The conversations would between D and I grew in frequency and revelation until they seemed, to me, quite normal.

The turning point came during a frenzied phone call I received from D one night when she said she was struggling with M's MS (he would not stick with a consistent treatment for more than a few months at a time before he would jettison it and move on to another), and their long dead marriage.  She started to cry (I don't know that she'd done this before in my presence) and ended up totally breaking down.  At the time I remember thinking this is not the crying of an adult woman facing extreme difficulty, this is the the distraught, helpless wail of a child.  But being the good hero/rescuer/fixer/codependent and now boundary violator I'd become, I listened patiently, soothed and offered advice.  And the trauma bond, which had been gaining energy for the past few months, was now forged and would lead to the next boundary bombshell -- when D told me she'd been in a year long affair (very recently ended) with a married man of her and M's acquaintance.  The man who M & D hired when they first moved to the neighborhood.  The man who they enrusted to rebuild their new house.

Next, Part 3 -- My relationship with D takes flight.