our story

[nolongerhopeful]

We have a 22 year old son who has been diagnosed with at least 15 different mental illnesses.  Unfortunately we thought the experts knew what they were looking at, now we realize the diagnosis was a way to he monetarily reimbursed by insurance.   I think we would have spent our money, our families well being and sanity had we just hired a nanny so we could have respit for all the good the quote psychological help our son and family has received.

We are guilty of not knowing what we didn't know.  We had our first child late in life because we took that responsibility so much to heart.  It hasn't mattered how hard we have tried or how much we have loved him, (our son).  He hasn't received the care he needed by us or the experts and his personality is so flawed that it doesn't matter anymore.   We the parents and family who have lived with him feel as though we have been beaten with a baseball bat.  Everyone of us suffers from PTSD now.  We just had to have him petioned by the court due to his being out of control, violent outbursts and actions.  They put him on lamictal but that winning personality come shinning through!   He hates us these days with such venom that we fear for our safety yet we fear if we don't keep guardianship over him that others will throw him away.  I feel guilty to say this yet it feels as though if he doesn't die of an over dose or car wreck or is murdered by one of his so called friends that we his parents and siblings will ALWAYS be living a LIVING HELL.  I can't believe my husband and I are still married after all we've been through.   I feel guilty as though I must be a terrible mother to have my son hate me so yet I have a younger son who tells me I have done the best I can and more than others would have.  The only thing he faults me for is that I continue to care about his brother when he treats me so badly.  My husband gets his share of abuse as well.

We are scheduled to go to court about retaining the temporary guardianship of our son.  We thought we were making a good decision to ask for that so we could oversee his hospitalization but now I think we made a poor decision.   He has health problems besides his mental condition so we felt those issues would be best served if he had an advocate.   He's out of the hospital staying with a friend.   He cannot live at home anymore.   Our health and sanity are at risk. We are so torn about helping him because he sucks us dry on every level.  He doesn't have SSI and has NEVER been able to hold a job.  With his other health issues we do not feel we can just walk away and certainly not now that he is under our guardianship.   If se tell the judge that he NEEDS help he may literally cause harm to us.  If we keep the guardianship but can't control his behavior or put ourselves financially on the line for him he may ruin us.  If I never saw him again I am sure i would feel like the way I do now- which isn't good but the roller coaster ride would be over.  I can not say in words how absolutely painful it is to see him hurting as he does and be powerless to do anything or say anything t make a difference.   Everything we've tried has come too late or has been misinterpreted by him so that is why I chose the user name I did.  He is LIKE Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.   Efforts to help or talk are seen as controlling.   Or he feels worthless that he has to have the help.  He's threatened to take us to court over the guardianship to cause us harm as though  we have abused him.  The abuse is all the other way around.   It will sadden me greatly if anyone on this site can relate to this story of our sad lives.  We just went to the lawyers to apply for the third time for SSI.  He gave us the impression he was on board wih that during his hospitalization but now that he is free and asserting his control we believe he will sabatoge that as well.  So do we help him get on his feet so to speak, with living expenses for a set period of time, remove ourselves as guardians and wash our hands of him?  We are so burned out.  We do not have lives except to work to pay for his medical and mental issues.   And what of our other child who has done nothing but good.  He's been so traumatized by his brother that he has decided thatvwhen he's of legal age he is having a vasectomy so he never has children as he is convinced our gene pool is too contaminated!  Well thanks for listening. If anyone has advice to help us we would appreciate it.  If you agree with our son that we are worthless humans and parents please keep it to yourself as we are pretty fragile. This has been a VERY shortened version of what the last 14 years has encompassed.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

 

Hi nolongerhelpful,

I would like to welcome you. I'm sorry about the frustration, confusion, stress and difficulties that you and your family are going through with your son  I would like to start by saying, please don't be hard on yourself for not knowing. We are not professionals here and cannot give you a diagnosis. Often, this disorder is difficult for others to see, much of what happens is behind closed doors, sometimes professionals may not see it as well. How are we supposed to know?

Your son deals with stress differently that you or I, and has certain triggers. It's up to us to change our ways, to be able to communicate and smooth the edges. Read as much as you can about BPD, learn to understand how he functions, you will quickly reap the benefits and become proficient over time.

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

Video-What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

Family Guidelines

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Stop Walking on Eggshells

We have many members here that have gone through what you have gone through. I would suggest posting on the board that I provided for parents, and I would also suggest posting on the legal board Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody We are not legal experts, but we have senior members that have experience, and have come out of the other end of this. I hope that I did not inundate you with links. I understand what you mean when you say that you feel like you are burnt out, a pwBPD treat others around them like emotional vessels to discharge their emotional baggage on, it is truly difficult what you are going through, but please understand that there is hope.


Hang in there.


- Mutt  

[jellibeans]

Dear nolongerhopeful

I want to welcome you here and tell you how sorry I am for your struggles. We really understand here and you don't need to explain yourself... . it can be exhausting for sure. Mutt has given you some good links... . the parenting board is such a good supportive group so ask your questions there... . we are not here to judge you... . we are here to offer support and advise.

Can you tell us a bit more about your son? What other health issues does he have? He is on lamictal? any other meds? Does he have a DX? Does he have any drug or alcohol addictions? I would just like to get a better picture of your sons struggles... .

Hang in there... . we are here for you