Babysitting dilemma

[Parents! Get help here!]

What would you do in this case. We are trying to set limits with our daughter. We watch our grandson every other weekend for her. She lives 2 hours away. We go get him from school. His father is not allowed to see him right now and his other grandparents watch him those weekends which are supposed to include Sunday from 1:00 on our weekend. We have told our d that we will not watch him on the fathers time. She has screamed and raged and said you'll never see your grandson again and manipulated us into watching him. We have repeatedly told (there's one mistake) that she needs to set up reliable babysitters for when things can't work out for one of us. She flat out refuses to hire a sitter. How do we hold our ground about the other grandparents taking him (they live near her) or her getting a sitter. (Dad pays 2/3 of sitter) He has school the next day and should be in bed. This has been for a couple months now and we end up driving both ways. She's given up a shift at work just to be stubborn about not getting a sitter but we still had to drive him back. What should we do about her keeping her end of the bargain? This type of personality disorder is so hard to figure out. I know this problem is minor in comparison to some if what I'm reading but I just wondered how do we deal?

[Stella1425]

What would you do in this case. We are trying to set limits with our daughter. We watch our grandson every other weekend for her. She lives 2 hours away. We go get him from school. His father is not allowed to see him right now and his other grandparents watch him those weekends which are supposed to include Sunday from 1:00 on our weekend. We have told our d that we will not watch him on the fathers time. She has screamed and raged and said you'll never see your grandson again and manipulated us into watching him. We have repeatedly told (there's one mistake) that she needs to set up reliable babysitters for when things can't work out for one of us. She flat out refuses to hire a sitter. How do we hold our ground about the other grandparents taking him (they live near her) or her getting a sitter. (Dad pays 2/3 of sitter) He has school the next day and should be in bed. This has been for a couple months now and we end up driving both ways. She's given up a shift at work just to be stubborn about not getting a sitter but we still had to drive him back. What should we do about her keeping her end of the bargain? This type of personality disorder is so hard to figure out. I know this problem is minor in comparison to some if what I'm reading but I just wondered how do we deal?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

I don't think this is trivial as its the sort of dilemna which can crop up all the time even when someone with BPD ifs functioning reasonably well. There is also the potential for you to lose contact with your GC.

Having said that you can't allow your daughter to bully you with threats of withdrawing contact.

Could you try to talk to her when things are reasonably calm and try SET. eg

"we want to help you as much as possible with GC and we love looking after him, however we do need to have him back by  o'clock so he isn't too tired and driving both ways is too much for us... . what we CAN do is ... . "


Or you could try DEARMAN from DBT.

Try not to argue about what anyone else should be doing or to over justify your position as it will only inflame things.

If she continues to rage  the standard advice is just to repeat what you can do and not get sidetracked into arguing but I know it is very difficult where young children are involved as you want to continue to be there for them Hope you are able to work thing out in a way that is fair to everyone

[jellibeans]

Dear Stella

It seems you are having a hard time sticking to your boundaries with your dd. What would happen if you didn't show up to pick up your gs? Do you think you could have a calm conversations with your dd about this? maybe provide a calendar for when you are available etc? If she continues to rely on you I think you need to stand your ground and not pick up... . is that something you are willing to do?

[Stella1425]

jellibeans, thanks for the advice. We have thought about not picking him up from school, but no that wouldn't work. She would get fired because she would not make a new plan. We are just now getting around to setting boundaries with our D. We can see we have enabled her by being too helpful after the divorce. What we did end up doing because she would be giving him to the other grandparents was remind her to tell them to meet us for the exchange a week from Sunday. She wrote back that they will be out of town. I think if they gave her that info it means they will be out of town on their (their sons) next weekend, not the Sunday of ours helping her. She had that happen a week ago and tried to make my husband feel guilty without actually asking us because we said we will never take him on their weekend. Anyway, she find out I guess. When they said they won't be in town, my husband wrote that this gives her a whole week to get a sitter set up after she meets us for the exchange before she goes to work Sunday. Didn't hear back and won't. When it gets to be that time she'll scream "why can't you keep him, you have nothing better to do".  The disrespect is phenomenal. We feel devalued, angry, hurt, and at a loss for how to deal. Our last thought was that we keep him and make her drive the 4 hours to get him before school Monday. He'd get a good nights sleep here. I feel she'd think that was fine and would let him miss school and drive 4 hours at her leisure rather than hire a sitter to come to her home. We feel she won't get sitters simply because we have numerous times suggested it. I'm sure you understand the personality we are dealing with. Don't know how to ride this one without losing our grandson but making her accountable as his parent.

[jellibeans]

Dear Stella

I truly understand what you are dealing with and your dd has it pretty sweet with you picking up behind her... . it is a tough balance for sure... . what if you charged her for the time you have to sit ourside of the prearranged times? I think you will feel that your time is valued and she will learn that she can't take you for granted? Is there something along those lines?

[peaceplease]

Stella1425,

Sorry, I am not sure I understand this - Your dd's ex-in-laws are going to be out of town and expect you to get him for the dad's weekend?  Was your babysitting every other wknd a temporary agreement?

I can empathize with you.  My dd takes for granted that I am always available for whatever time she works.  She has him 50/50, alternating weeks.  Currently, she is not working.  She is seeking a job on afternoon shift.  It is a serving job.

I will watch him as long as it is convenient.  However, I told my dd that if I end up working another part-time job in the afternoon, she will need to make other arrangements. 

I would be tempted to not to pick him up from school.  However, I totally get what you are saying.  You do have a dilemma.  Can your dd seek another job that would provide a better schedule?  Or, is she limited?

[Stella1425]

Peaceplease, yes it's complicated. Although I do think the ex inlaws expect us to pick up their sons slack (theirs), our D is saying they won't be around for their sons Sunday. He gets him every Sunday supposedly overnight. So far they have not done been available for  that. It's been 2 1/2 months of this. I think she has it wrong again and they mean they again won't be there on their next weekend. We'll see. Our D does know we won't do their weekend (not that we don't love to see our grandson but we see him every 12 days and they live 2 hours away). She has a good job and I wouldn't want her to lose it. She just makes most of her money on the weekend. Our part of sitting wasn't temporary. We said we'd help her. The problem is we want her to get help in her home for when something like this comes up and she won't find a sitter. She is keeping our grandson from his father (right or wrong) because of neglectful parenting on his part.  So as far as the other grandparents time, that is temporary? She did text "ok" to my husbands "get a sitter" for after we meet her 1/2 way. We'll see. So far she manages to somehow not show up every week and we end up driving all the way. The bigger problem I wrote about on another spot here is that she was to pay off her debt in collection after she got back from a trip to florida with GS. We bought plane tickets and she promised, now won't get the final step of her money problems finished.  She owes us $9000 since she left husband. We know it will take a lifetime to pay us back, but we truly expected her to pay debt collectors off. I feel betrayed by her. And manipulated. She promised so we bought plane tickets and then she won't finish debt payoff. I know we were too involved, but of course I felt we were "helping" her. I believed her every time we helped ( rent, car tires, bills etc etc etc) when she said "I"ll pay it with my taxes". She got $6000 in taxes back. She did give us $1500 because my husband showed up to help her and demanded it as she promised. The government seized 700 for student loans, but the rest she kept and no bills are being paid off. I'm too enmeshed in her finances I know and was getting out right after this last step. In fact although I was the one to help her figure it out all along, I handed  it off to my husband because I knew I wouldn't do well helping her now. I have been trying to keep from being involved when I know it will get volatile. My husband is a little better with her. Thanks for letting me vent. As I've said, this disorder is so hard to deal with. It was drugs and alcohol and ADD when she was younger, so in a lot of ways  she is doing better but her raging is worse now. It seems like her life was getting back on track for her so I don't understand, and there is NO talking to her. Literally. She rages in any conversation. I'm sure you all know whst I'm talking about!

[lever.]

I can see what a difficult situation this is.

I don't know if it would help but have you considered using e-mail to plan ahead with a calender of your availability and making it clear that you do have other commitments.

I can see why your daughters disrespect is difficult to tolerate and just wondered if e-mail would give her time to absorb the information before flying into a rage.

I can see that she has you a bit trapped by concern for your GC and wanting her to keep her job but there does come a point where you need to say no.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Stella1425... . I'd like to welcome you to the Parenting Board  

Have you had the chance yet to read all of the LINKS to the right-hand side of this page?

THE LESSONS and the TOOLS?

We have Suggested Reading for members who are supporting a son or daughter with BPD; and What can a parent do? and Family Guidelines have a lot of great tips for us as parents when things seem to be too hard for us to handle without help. Have you read How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life? or Supporting a Loved-one with Borderline Personality Disorder? How about Radical Acceptance for family members, Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it or TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth?

I'll admit, before my own adult (37) son was diagnosed with BPD a year ago, I was just as confused, frustrated, angry, sad and hurt over his behaviors as you are now with your daughter. Once I read all of the information in the links I provided to you, above, I learned how his mind works, and realized that I'd been dealing with him and communicating with him in all the wrong ways! I'd been pushing every one of his BPD buttons, and getting a bad reaction from him... .

Once I changed the way I dealt with him, he changed the way he reacted to me, and things got so much better. Though I could only change myself, that change brought about a reciprocal change in my son's interactions with me, and life has never been as calm and amiable and loving as it is now. When you check out that information above (or if you already have), can you let us know what you think? If you have any questions about those materials, we are here to help you figure it out, Stella1425... . Even if things won't be perfect, there really is hope that with the knowledge you can learn here, there will be light at the end of the tunnel  

[Stella1425]

Rapt reader. Thank you for all the links and I have now read many of them. I especially like radical acceptance. I have to say as others have said SET seems difficult unless it can fit into ordinary language. I think she'll see right through me. We do plan on giving it a try. I am calming down now after reading some tool info. Because she is high functioning I spent these in between years feeling it was alcohol use and extreme bad behavior. After seeing a therapist and realizing she hinted at BPD I found this site, read walking on eggshells,and have been doing a lot of thinking ( with little contact). I worry for my grandson and will watch that carefully. Thanks for being there along with all the other wonderful folks on here.

[Stella1425]

Just an update to the babysitting dilemma. She did agree to meet half way on Sunday. We think she probably gave up a shift at work to do it  instead of hiring a sitter but didn't ask. It's her money or lack there of. Good for  her, it was a surprise that she agreed anyway. Then last night we texted because we live in an area that is supposed to get a REALLY big snow storm (yep it's April here too

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Stella1425]

Trying again. When I used emoticons it didn't print what I wrote. Darn. Anyway, she "wrote you always back out." We don't although the other GPs do. So that's probably her frustration at us. A few weeks ago when we weren't needed and there was snow i wrote that if had been our weekend couldn't because snow. ":)uh" her answer to make long story short. So my H called her to my dismay because he hates to text. She screamed at him said she literally has no one to baby sit. (Refrained from saying that's why you need back up sitters) painful to watch him treat her with kid gloves. Is that what we must do? I have no doubt that if we can't make it we will pay a big price AGAIN. This would be funny if it weren't our life constantly!  I'm sure those of you with GC know the dilemma?