New to board

[brumblebee]

I am also relatively new here, I found this website by chance, there is nothing similar in Italy where I live. And, Yes, I agree, if many of us had known about BPD when our children were an early age, we would have handled things differently.

Today my BPDS30 was in one of his depressive/suicidal moods and I suggested we go and do the shopping together. He has two dogs he occasionally looks after, so we went to buy dog food. This apparently soothed him a bit but when we came out of the supermarket he showed me he had stolen a bar of chocolate and was happily eating it in the car.

This really made me angry, but he minimized the act.

I am so desperate sometimes, I seem to win a litle battle but lose the war.

Good luck with your child

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

brumbleee,

  I just read your intro post, and I see that you have an elderly father and a younger son.  You do have a lot on your plate.  Does your father live with you?  I moved in to take care of my elderly mother.  My daughter(29) with suspect BPD has a 7 yo son.    So, I can empathize with wearing many hats.

Did your son boast about taking the chocolate bar?  Has he had behavior like this before?  Any legal issues?

My dd has a history of shoplifting.  Her latest adventure was when she was 22.  She seems to have learned from that specific behavior.  She has paid the consequences for it.  I don't think that she will shoplift in the future.  She blamed her drug addiction on her last incident.  However, she has taken my credit card, bank card and cash from me.  So, she no longer shoplifts, but has stolen from me.  She has stolen from me quite recently.  There will not be a next time that she escapes legal consequences.  However, my dd tried to minimize in the past how she needed some things and did not want to ask me to be refused.  Most recently, she told me that I always make her feel worthless when she asks me, and I tell her that I can not afford to support her.  Many times it is not something that she truly needs, however, she sees it as a need and not a want.  I never refuse things that she truly needs.

Has your son been in therapy?   Do you have any support for yourself?  Are you doing anything for yourself?  It is important to take time for yourself.  That was the one question my former therapist asked me every week, what I had done for myself the past week.

peaceplease

[pessim-optimist]

Hello brumblebee,



I want to post warm welcome to the Parenting board!

I am glad you have found us, AND at the same time - I am sorry about your son's situation. It is so so stressful when our child is depressed to the point of being suicidal... .  

It's good to hear that you were able to spend some time with him and that he felt better. Even though that incident with the bar of chocolate would be frustrating... . At the same time - you did a great job helping your son feel better and he goes on to live another day. 

Long term, it would be best for him and less stress for you if he could be in therapy... . Is he open to therapy?

Do you have a number for your local help-line to call in case it happens again? The suicide-hotline professionals are trained, and can be very helpful, because they know how to talk to people in this state of mind.

Welcome again and let us know if you have questions, or come back to just share - we are a community of parents that will be happy to hear from you and see you make your home here.

[brumblebee]

Thank you for all your support. Having to cope with BPD can be quite unnerving for any family. My mother died six years ago and since then we've moved in to live with my father (87). I must say I do have two other wonderful children, a girl 32 who has settled down with her boyfriend and is soon geting married,  and a boy of 16 who is brilliant at school but just refuses to accept that his brother may have a REAL problem. My husband left three years ago (out of the blue), lives in a different city and has very few contacts with his children. His leaving home was very painful for all of us but we've somehow managed to find some sort of balalce. I have a job I adore and many friends to support me.

My BPDs used to be a very sweet, charming child until adolescence when this all began. He would always complain he had no friends (not true), he was alone, etc. then started having antisocial behaviour (drugs, satanism,etc.) luckily no judicial problems. He has started uni several times and given up, he has had innumerable jobs, he always blames it on other people if he doesn't stay.

He has only recently started therapy and I think he's just becoming aware that he's kind of ruined his life so far. However, he thinks he will never manage to have a normal life or find a stable girlfriend, he believes he'll be alone forever and  leading a mediocre life with no-one to care for him except his family. This is when he  gets suicidal and starts telling me he's just so tired that he does not have the strength to go on. Banging his head against something or punching the wall hard with his fist is a relief to him, he explains, because that takes the emotional pain away for a while.

[Rapt Reader]

He has only recently started therapy and I think he's just becoming aware that he's kind of ruined his life so far. However, he thinks he will never manage to have a normal life or find a stable girlfriend, he believes he'll be alone forever and  leading a mediocre life with no-one to care for him except his family. This is when he  gets suicidal and starts telling me he's just so tired that he does not have the strength to go on. Banging his head against something or punching the wall hard with his fist is a relief to him, he explains, because that takes the emotional pain away for a while.

Hi, brumblebee, and I'd like to join peaceplease and pessim-optimist in welcoming you to the Parenting a Son or Daughter with BPD Board. I was wondering what sort of Therapy your son has started? My own son, who is 37, was only diagnosed with BPD a year ago, after almost a lifetime of mental health issues plaguing him.

Since March of last year, he has been admitted to a 21-day Intensive Inpatient Dual Diagnosis Program (where he finally was diagnosed with BPD); sees an Outpatient Therapist weekly (for the drug addiction that sent him to the DDx Center); sees a Psychiatrist monthly (for the Suicidal Ideations and Depression that were also a problem for him); and a Neurofeedback Therapist weekly (for his ADD, Social Anxiety, Depression and all of the above diagnoses). Has your son ever been considered for a Dual Diagnosis Program? I do believe he would qualify due to his multi-diagnoses... . It was the one Program that finally started my own son on the road to recovery.

He has been clean and sober for almost 13 months now, is healthier physically and mentally than ever before, and would probably not be diagnosed with any of the above maladies at this time, except for Social Anxiety and ADD, though he is working his way through those as the days and weeks go by. Since so many of your own son's symptoms and behaviors seem similar to my son's, I would like to invite you to read his story: My Son's Recovery-In-Progress Story.

Although he's made wonderfully remarkable strides so far, and if nothing ever changes for him this story is a miracle in itself--due to his various Therapies and the help I've found on this site by reading every single LINK to the right-hand side of this page and I highly recommend them to you, brumblebee--he is still leery about going out into the cold, cruel world to find a "real" job and make it totally on his own. It is what it is; I use Radical Acceptance for family members in order to be happy and thankful for his journey and accomplishments so far. I think that Article would be helpful to you, also. I'm very curious as to the types of Therapies your son is involved in... .

[brumblebee]

My dBPDs has just started taking medication. The therapist gave him valproate (hope this is correct in English) which is an anti-epilepsy drug supposingly to stabilize his mood, plus anti depressants.

It seems to be working miracles at the moment, my son is smiling again and going out.  I wondered whether any of you have any experience with this king of drug in BPD therapy.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello again, brumblebee,

I do not have experience with drugs being used in the course of treatment, but from the reading I have done, it is clear that BPD causes vary painful and strong emotions, and moods. The drugs themselves do not treat or cure BPD, but are often used along with therapy to stabilize moods and alleviate pain from strong emotions. Also, I have read that after a while a certain drug may not be effective enough to stabilize the moods any more, so the drugs may be switched. And sometimes it is a trial and error in finding what works.

Hope that helps, let's see someone may have experience with the drug you are asking about.

[qcarolr]

Hi brumblebee --

My BPDDD27 has benefited from anti-depressants as an adult. They help her with anxiety/panic attacks and one she takes to help her sleep better. Valproate is the generic name for Depakote in the USA. She also uses street drugs which clouds the effectiveness of the prescribed meds. We did not know of her BPD until she was 23. The meds do help stabilize her mood issues and this allows her to be more aware and reflective. I think she is in denial about the BPD dx. She also has a bipolar dx, which can occur along with BPD. Makes things more complicated.

I have taken Depakote along with Seroquel for my own bipolarII dx.  I had some anger issues when in the mild manic part so my fast cycling disorder. The Seroquel helped the most with the anger part. The Depakote did help with mood changes, though I gained a lot of weight. My DD also tried Depakote and had a bad liver reaction at 6 weeks. Is your son getting regular blood tests for this side effect while getting established on this med.? I never had any problems other than weight gain - water retention was a part of that.

Therapy with someone trained and experienced with BPD is often helpful. Learning the tools and skills on the right side of this page really helped me get into a better place so I could manage my relationship with DD. She refuses therapy, denies her drug use is a problem, and thinks her toxic friends are real friends.

What things do you do to take care of yourself? It is treat our needs as just as important as our struggling child's, but the better we are doing the better we can manage our contact with our kids.

Hoping you can find some support here.

qcr

[brumblebee]

I just wish to thank you all for your support

Although I am not partcularly religious,  I do pray for all of us and our children to get better one day