Life in transition - feels a little scary but good

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm now 120 days out of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  As I've posted in the past, I was doing individual T for the last 12-15 months of the r/s and continue today.  I tried to end the r/s in October after becoming worn out by the abuse, projections, chaos, etc.  We recycled, but with a twist.  I just decided to finally live and enforce healthy boundaries.  She knew it and could feel it, and it triggered her horribly to the point that she began to get physically abusive with me.  After that happened the second time, I ended the r/s in early Dec and walked away for good.

N/c has been challenging with her and her kids living on my block (a baseball throw from my house).  I've held n/c even as she attempted to break it a number of times up until about 60 days ago.  All quiet since then, but with the good weather my ex gf and her kids have been outside playing more.  I saw them outside a few times in the last couple days, but managed to avoid any contact.  I just don't feel anything good will come from having contact with her or her kids.  Sad but true.  I do feel like if there was contact, I could handle it better than I've ever thought I could.  The good news is that she's apparently moving in the next few weeks.

My memories of the r/s come back to me in fleeting moments, but the energy is just not there anymore.  Believe me, I had my sad, angry and confusing feelings coming out of this mess.  I think that because I was actively in T for a good portion of the r/s, I may have had a jump start in healing and detachment once I left the r/s.  I'm not trying to rush the process, but just living in the present and working on accepting my feelings as they come up.  T has been huge in helping me with this process along with a tremendous group of friends and family that have acted as my accountability team.

Now onto present life and r/s.  I'm back to doing all of those things in life that I love.  I can breath and know that the decisions I've made in the last 4-6 months have been right on.  I'm learning to trust myself and it feels good.  About seven weeks ago I met a new non PD lady friend.  She's beautiful, healthy, emotionally mature and available.  We enjoy some common interests and we seem to celebrate our differences.  It feels like there is a really healthy mid point where we connect.  We both often times stop and verbalize our appreciation for the other.  This may sound like idealization, but I see it more as developing a r/s based on trust and open communication while attempting to keep things in the exploration mode.  She's not at all perfect and nor am I.  We seem good together.  

So, the transition I'm feeling in my life is much more than going from an abusive r/s on to a healthy one.  Way more!  It's almost mind blowing to me that I have my life back.  I have such a deeper self awareness along with self acceptance and love that I've never felt before.  There are no unhealthy distractions regarding my r/s with my teen daughter.  I can live, love, laugh and grow.  My new lady friend does and says things that I so yearned to see and hear in my last r/s.  Maybe that is the difference in being with someone emotionally healthy.  Vulnerability and intimacy are two things I always wanted and couldn't have in my last r/s.  This is new and scary territory for me!  I'm not running away and I'm no longer waiting for the "other shoe to fall".  I'm just living in the present and it feels good.

Have any of you reached a point in your healing and detachment when you felt you were 95% there and scared or kinda blown away at how life can change when you decide to take of yourself?  Maybe how things can be so utterly different in a 4-6 month period?

[Madison66]

I'm now 120 days out of my 3+ year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf.  As I've posted in the past, I was doing individual T for the last 12-15 months of the r/s and continue today.  I tried to end the r/s in October after becoming worn out by the abuse, projections, chaos, etc.  We recycled, but with a twist.  I just decided to finally live and enforce healthy boundaries.  She knew it and could feel it, and it triggered her horribly to the point that she began to get physically abusive with me.  After that happened the second time, I ended the r/s in early Dec and walked away for good.

N/c has been challenging with her and her kids living on my block (a baseball throw from my house).  I've held n/c even as she attempted to break it a number of times up until about 60 days ago.  All quiet since then, but with the good weather my ex gf and her kids have been outside playing more.  I saw them outside a few times in the last couple days, but managed to avoid any contact.  I just don't feel anything good will come from having contact with her or her kids.  Sad but true.  I do feel like if there was contact, I could handle it better than I've ever thought I could.  The good news is that she's apparently moving in the next few weeks.

My memories of the r/s come back to me in fleeting moments, but the energy is just not there anymore.  Believe me, I had my sad, angry and confusing feelings coming out of this mess.  I think that because I was actively in T for a good portion of the r/s, I may have had a jump start in healing and detachment once I left the r/s.  I'm not trying to rush the process, but just living in the present and working on accepting my feelings as they come up.  T has been huge in helping me with this process along with a tremendous group of friends and family that have acted as my accountability team.

Now onto present life and r/s.  I'm back to doing all of those things in life that I love.  I can breath and know that the decisions I've made in the last 4-6 months have been right on.  I'm learning to trust myself and it feels good.  About seven weeks ago I met a new non PD lady friend.  She's beautiful, healthy, emotionally mature and available.  We enjoy some common interests and we seem to celebrate our differences.  It feels like there is a really healthy mid point where we connect.  We both often times stop and verbalize our appreciation for the other.  This may sound like idealization, but I see it more as developing a r/s based on trust and open communication while attempting to keep things in the exploration mode.  She's not at all perfect and nor am I.  We seem good together.  

So, the transition I'm feeling in my life is much more than going from an abusive r/s on to a healthy one.  Way more!  It's almost mind blowing to me that I have my life back.  I have such a deeper self awareness along with self acceptance and love that I've never felt before.  There are no unhealthy distractions regarding my r/s with my teen daughter.  I can live, love, laugh and grow.  My new lady friend does and says things that I so yearned to see and hear in my last r/s.  Maybe that is the difference in being with someone emotionally healthy.  Vulnerability and intimacy are two things I always wanted and couldn't have in my last r/s.  This is new and scary territory for me!  I'm not running away and I'm no longer waiting for the "other shoe to fall".  I'm just living in the present and it feels good.

Have any of you reached a point in your healing and detachment when you felt you were 95% there and scared or kinda blown away at how life can change when you decide to take of yourself?  Maybe how things can be so utterly different in a 4-6 month period?