First time here-Single mom living w. 20 yo daughter w. BPD

[Dmc871]

This is my first time even visiting, let alone posting on a BPD site. I am the mother of three girls, 18, 20 and 22. The oldest and youngest are away at school, which is good as their relationship with their sister is volatile. During her latest hospitalization a few weeks ago, (her 7th),"C's" diagnosis was changed from Bipolar, major depressive and anxiety disorders to BPD, bipolar and anxiety disorder. She was symptomatic since early childhood and has the well-earned reputation of being the Household Tyrant. Her meds have gone through countless changes and right now she is incredibly difficult to live with.

I dread coming home from work only to listen to  hours of complaints about other people, which ultimately leads to me being verbally attacked as well. Like the title of the book, I am constantly "Walking on Eggshells" to avoid (rarely successfully) setting her off. As long as I sit and let her talk AT me, she is relatively fine. Once I speak, no matter what I say, she becomes agitated. My only choice seems to be to allow her to "vent"/attack. As soon as I respond-in a calm and measured way, she becomes increasingly escalated. To escape, I frequently retreat to my room or on occasion, leave the house. I am four weeks into a 12 week NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) class, which is very good. I also attend Al-Anon. Although my daughter, thankfully, does not have a substance issue, the experiences and concepts of dealing with an alcoholic are very similar to those of someone with mental illness.

I would love to find a local (Upstate NY, Capital Region) support group for families dealing with BPD.

I guess that's all for now.

Thanks for "listening."

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lostchild]

hi, 

I am lost child, and have a 42 year old son who has BPD.  I haven't been on this site in quite a while, but I will tell you, it is a wonderful place where people really understand what you are going through and are supportive.  It is heartbreaking to watch your child when they are living with this illness.  It is very hard when you are living in the same house.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through.  I do know what it is like.  It sounds like you are doing all good things to help yourself.  I go to counseling, have read books on the topic, and attended Alanon for several years.

I have learned that I have to put the focus on myself and as much as I have tried to help my child (now a grown man) that in the end, he had to want to help himself.  Unfortunately in my case I now have limited contact with my son as he is not taking meds and self meditates by smoking pot everyday.

I hope that your daughter seeks help and that her's and your life both improve.

Take care, and I wish you well.  Keep on posting... .

[Mutt]

 

Hi Dmc871,

I would like to join lostchild in welcoming you. I'm sorry about the difficulities that you are having with your daughter. I share a similar experience. I understand when you say that you try to be calm, logical and friendly and you are met with agression, blame or intense anger. It's disparaging coming home from a long day's work, and you feel like you are walking into a minefield when you come home.

It is intense and painful to be under these vitriol attacks, but there are logical explanations as to why she is triggered, or reacting in the way that she is. She deals with stress differently than you or I. By reading as much as you can about BPD, you will become proficient over time. It sounds like you are taking the right steps in trying to understand, with NAMI classes and Al-Anon. I'm not sure about local support groups, have you tried Meetup?

When a child suffers from BPD (even our adult child), not only is the child unhappy and unhealthy, but often, so is everyone who loves them. This mental illness can severely affect everyone, creating drama and heartbreak, while also piling on the guilt and anxiety. The good news is that there are answers to these problems, and we are here to offer you the support and encouragement to help you find them. You'll see that there are things that can be done to stop making things worse and begin to make them better. A great place to start is with this set of resources: What can a parent do? We look forward to seeing you on the Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD board and hope you join us in learning how to understand and communicate with our children better.

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Boundaries Tools of Respect

Does stress trigger negative BPD behaviors?


I would like to re-iterate the same feelings as a member, that lostchild has articulated.

it is a wonderful place where people really understand what you are going through and are supportive.

I'm glad that you have found us. You are not alone in this and there is hope.


Hang in there  


- Mutt

[Aknight]

I'm so relieved to find this site. My 21 yo daughter was released from the hospital with this diagnosis a few weeks ago. Our household consists of she and her army husband, their 2-year old daughter, myself, and my 13-year old son. I take care of the baby full time.

My daughter has been on meds since first grade for ADHD. Then as she became a teen, all hell broke loose. Numerous doctors, meds, a hospital stay, suicide attempt, but mostly drama and crises. My family has been at war for years over what they consider my failure to parent her fully, when she calls them and makes wild accusations about me to get what she wants from them. It's been a mess.

Now she's an adult, a wife, and a mom. This new diagnosis fits, and from what I've read, it's not promising for any normalcy. This breaks my heart. I'm hoping to read up and learn from everyone because my eggshells are many beneath my feet. Her husband, as well.

So, hello everyone!