Why Do I Have to Keep Seeing Him?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been doing good and I've actually quit frequenting the site as much... .

Until... . last night. I'm leaving worship service high on life and happy and as I am pulling out and turning at the redlight, guess who's vehicle is the one that is stationary and I'm going by it? HIS. I'm careening my eyes once I realize it's him, trying to see if anyone is in the car with him, as he would never go anywhere with me, even when he'd tell me he wanted to go somewhere and I'd say we should, half-shocked and adrenaline pumping. He does the same to me, as I see him turning his head to watch my whole car go by and to also look inside. I see someone in there with him.

Once I get past his SUV, my heart sinks. I have an array of emotions hit me. I was on my way to get food, but I got so sick from anxiety that I lost my appetite at that moment and didn't eat for a whole day. I drove around a while and headed back to our apartment, bound to not let it affect me. I'm pulling up at the back of the apartment complex, blaring my worship music and trying to get back into my happy mood. Guess who's SUV I see parked outside the building right next to mine, still running? HIS. As I am pulling up, I'm literally trying to convince myself that I'm imagining this, but no, it's his SUV and his personalized tag.

I just thought it was weird because it was as if he just stopped while driving and hopped out and shut his door, leaving his car in the middle of the road. As I'm pulling into my parking spot, I see him walking away from that apartment building, looking at my car and noticing it is me, then hopping into his SUV and driving quickly to his part of the complex.

I was okay with meeting in traffic. When I saw this I was devastated a bit. The whole time I was there for him, he told me that it was hard for him to meet face-to-face with me - even take a walk - and he would always say he wanted to come over, but when I would say he could, he would always say he couldn't, even though he would ask and beg (almost every day for four months). IT WAS SO WEIRD and DROVE ME CRAZY. So, naturally, I would invite him to do things and he'd turn me down, but he'd continue his tirade of always asking me if he could come cuddle and just come over. But, he would never let himself. He would eventually break down and ask me to come over to his place, but I wouldn't go since I had already made that move for him once and I told him it was his turn to come to me. He would get frustrated (his way or the highway).

Then, to see him - what looked like - walking a girl he had probably taken on a date to her door and driving home? PISSED OFF, HURT, SAD, ETC. cannot explain it. I think it brought up insecurities in me and subconsciously, I was asking myself what was wrong with me to the point that he couldn't do that with me? I also found out a month ago that he'd been hanging out with a girl we both know and telling her he liked her too, though she wasn't interested, while he was talking to me. So, OBVIOUSLY he CAN hang out with people in person. She said he did shut down if the subject matter would get into emotions and stuff, then would text her after she left and tell her he was depressed and would then want to talk emotions.

Anyways, I think the reason I got so upset was that it solidified the fact that he lied to me all that time and I believed him and I still want to. I don't want to believe that I fell in love with someone who was not real. That I DEVELOPED MAJOR DEPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS trying to help a guy who told me he had trouble with meeting face-to-face and I was willing to wait and work with him on his issues? To see him dating other women... . easily... . hurts.

I'm so ready to be out of here for the summer. He really can't be alone. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky to have gotten out of this as merely a puppet he used through text mostly. But, it was a torture in itself, falling in love with someone who wouldn't spend time with you, but made you think they wanted to and just couldn't.

One thing I've noticed that I think is odd is that ever since he cut ties with me, he has dialed down the "I'm a good guy, sweet, raised by a single mother, just want a family and wife, and no one understands that" and has went straight to "I just need to take a woman out on a date. Any takers?" with his online postings... . I think maybe he was still mirroring me back then.

The last time he tried to contact me was about a month ago. I didn't answer. I haven't heard from him since.

The struggle with cognitive dissonance, childhood scars, men always making me feel like I was never good enough, my mother making me feel like I was ugly and fat, etc. is real when you fall in love with Borderline and you cut contact, but they KEEP POPPING UP.

[misssouthernbelle]

I've been doing good and I've actually quit frequenting the site as much... .

Until... . last night. I'm leaving worship service high on life and happy and as I am pulling out and turning at the redlight, guess who's vehicle is the one that is stationary and I'm going by it? HIS. I'm careening my eyes once I realize it's him, trying to see if anyone is in the car with him, as he would never go anywhere with me, even when he'd tell me he wanted to go somewhere and I'd say we should, half-shocked and adrenaline pumping. He does the same to me, as I see him turning his head to watch my whole car go by and to also look inside. I see someone in there with him.

Once I get past his SUV, my heart sinks. I have an array of emotions hit me. I was on my way to get food, but I got so sick from anxiety that I lost my appetite at that moment and didn't eat for a whole day. I drove around a while and headed back to our apartment, bound to not let it affect me. I'm pulling up at the back of the apartment complex, blaring my worship music and trying to get back into my happy mood. Guess who's SUV I see parked outside the building right next to mine, still running? HIS. As I am pulling up, I'm literally trying to convince myself that I'm imagining this, but no, it's his SUV and his personalized tag.

I just thought it was weird because it was as if he just stopped while driving and hopped out and shut his door, leaving his car in the middle of the road. As I'm pulling into my parking spot, I see him walking away from that apartment building, looking at my car and noticing it is me, then hopping into his SUV and driving quickly to his part of the complex.

I was okay with meeting in traffic. When I saw this I was devastated a bit. The whole time I was there for him, he told me that it was hard for him to meet face-to-face with me - even take a walk - and he would always say he wanted to come over, but when I would say he could, he would always say he couldn't, even though he would ask and beg (almost every day for four months). IT WAS SO WEIRD and DROVE ME CRAZY. So, naturally, I would invite him to do things and he'd turn me down, but he'd continue his tirade of always asking me if he could come cuddle and just come over. But, he would never let himself. He would eventually break down and ask me to come over to his place, but I wouldn't go since I had already made that move for him once and I told him it was his turn to come to me. He would get frustrated (his way or the highway).

Then, to see him - what looked like - walking a girl he had probably taken on a date to her door and driving home? PISSED OFF, HURT, SAD, ETC. cannot explain it. I think it brought up insecurities in me and subconsciously, I was asking myself what was wrong with me to the point that he couldn't do that with me? I also found out a month ago that he'd been hanging out with a girl we both know and telling her he liked her too, though she wasn't interested, while he was talking to me. So, OBVIOUSLY he CAN hang out with people in person. She said he did shut down if the subject matter would get into emotions and stuff, then would text her after she left and tell her he was depressed and would then want to talk emotions.

Anyways, I think the reason I got so upset was that it solidified the fact that he lied to me all that time and I believed him and I still want to. I don't want to believe that I fell in love with someone who was not real. That I DEVELOPED MAJOR DEPRESSION AND PANIC ATTACKS trying to help a guy who told me he had trouble with meeting face-to-face and I was willing to wait and work with him on his issues? To see him dating other women... . easily... . hurts.

I'm so ready to be out of here for the summer. He really can't be alone. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky to have gotten out of this as merely a puppet he used through text mostly. But, it was a torture in itself, falling in love with someone who wouldn't spend time with you, but made you think they wanted to and just couldn't.

One thing I've noticed that I think is odd is that ever since he cut ties with me, he has dialed down the "I'm a good guy, sweet, raised by a single mother, just want a family and wife, and no one understands that" and has went straight to "I just need to take a woman out on a date. Any takers?" with his online postings... . I think maybe he was still mirroring me back then.

The last time he tried to contact me was about a month ago. I didn't answer. I haven't heard from him since.

The struggle with cognitive dissonance, childhood scars, men always making me feel like I was never good enough, my mother making me feel like I was ugly and fat, etc. is real when you fall in love with Borderline and you cut contact, but they KEEP POPPING UP.