Therapy

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have seen (on several occasions) an abuse advocate, but never a therapist.

Sometimes I think seeing someone would help accelerate my healing and forward progress.

I do not have insurance right now, but I know of a place that charges based upon your income.

I guess my question is this: Has anyone gutted this out / healed thyself after spending 25 years in an abusive relationship w/o any type of professional therapy?

If you did do it without therapy, and you had it to do over, would you have seen a therapist?

[going places]

I have seen (on several occasions) an abuse advocate, but never a therapist.

Sometimes I think seeing someone would help accelerate my healing and forward progress.

I do not have insurance right now, but I know of a place that charges based upon your income.

I guess my question is this: Has anyone gutted this out / healed thyself after spending 25 years in an abusive relationship w/o any type of professional therapy?

If you did do it without therapy, and you had it to do over, would you have seen a therapist?

[sirius]

When i first broke up with my ex i was in a mess, big mess. I got into therapy with a T and another P intensively whlie trying to figure this whole thing out. Therapy was only focused on me both T and P as well. I was in a 13 year relationship.

After 2 or 3 months intensive therapy, I still could not heal properly. I came here and slowly, I mean for me is very slow to understand things but I was here in BPFFamily 24/7 and read up everything. Now 9 months out, I started to detach a week ago feeling different.

If you are being suicidal or really depressed, therapy helps a lot but inorder for the rest of the process like getting into NC, recycle and understanding the rest, I got it mostly from here and not from my T or P

[OutOfEgypt]

I know this doesn't directly answer your question, but if I didn't see my T I probably would have never left my BPD ex... .and I certainly would not be where I am today.  No doubt about it in my mind.

Let me add that for me N/C was not an option because we share children.  So, for me to not be beating myself up with guilt and pining away after her only two weeks after breaking it off with her after our final recycle is pretty good, I think.  I owe my T for the work we did together to get there.

[NYMike]

The best thing I did for Mike was get into T right away.I found a guy who works with me on a sliding scale.

He has helped me through a lot of this and I am learning each week about myself and what a healthy relationship is.I am also finding out I have ''issues'' that need to be addressed.

I am seeing the how and why I ended up with my 2nd BPD.Yesterday he told me we are going to learn from this terrible painful experience and work towards a better understanding for my next relationship.

One of the hardest pills to swallow was yesterday in T.He told me this was my responsibility and I am angry at myself for allowing this to happen.He reminded me that he even tried to help me when I met her and I went against my T suggestion.

That was a hard reality he told me.There were red flags bouncing off all of NY and I kept going.LOL,LOL... .

Hang in there and I think T is a great idea.I am also going to alanon for my ''rescuing issues''

[jhkbuzz]

I found a therapist right before my relationship ended - to help me deal with all the chaos that her lying and cheating was causing in our relationship... .best thing I ever could have done.  She has helped my process the breakup, given me insight into BPD, is an educated, non-emotional opinion for ideas and thoughts I bounce off her, and is helping me look at issues (unrelated to my relationship with a pwBPD) that I want to start working on. I have friends I can talk to, but my T has clarity (and will sometimes say the hard things) that need to be said.

One of the most valuable things she said to me at the very beginning - when I was struggling with the fact that I had been badly and repeatedly mistreated (but yet could still see all the amazing "potential" of my BPDgf - talk about a mindf**k!) was this:  "You saw her for the person she was under the wounds, but you ignored the impact that her wounds had on you."  Isn't that the truth... .I thought I was strong enough to deal with all of it.

[FlyingAway]

After 2 or 3 months intensive therapy, I still could not heal properly. I came here and slowly, I mean for me is very slow to understand things but I was here in BPFFamily 24/7 and read up everything.

I'm with Sirius on this. I've been in therapy for over a year. Started when I went into a deep depression over the pain and recycling that was happening with my exBPD. He's helped me to see and understand the origins of the pain (FOO; mother deceased in early childhood, alcoholic father, resulting in extreme abandonment issues and codependent characteristics). He reminds me that I need to go back to the source of the pain to recover.

It helps, but this forum has really been my salvation. My therapist doesn't seem interested in the effects that the BPD has had on me. His focus is on my childhood.

The reinforcement here has been so very valuable for my continuing recovery.

[hope2727]

I agree therapy is pretty important. I sought out a therapist who specializes in BPD as at first I thought the problem was me. (Nice Gaslighting job there.) I still see him despite his telling me I don't have BPD ( still sometimes wonder  ) He is informed and calm and keeps me focused on me and not on my ex. I am luck to have a recent background studying Psychology so we can even talk about some of the research physiology and biochemistry of the disorder. Most importantly however my therapist keeps me focused on myself and my healing.

I suggest you find someone or somewhere to get started. I had no money when this journey started as I was just finishing university and I found a free support group for depression and mood disorders (Mostly bipolar)  that welcomed sufferers and family. It met once a week for an hour and thats where I got started. It really helped. Maybe even alanon or something that deals with co-dependency.

So if you want a little laugh in your morning here are the last few psych courses I took prior to finishing my science degree in May. Psychology of interpersonal relationships,  psychology of social influence, personality psychology, childhood developmental psychology, cognitive psychology and the piece de resistance the psychology of self.  No people I am not kidding. There were other psych classes too but I really liked this one prof so I took every thing she taught and thats what I studied while this whole mess of a relationship ended. The irony of the whole thing kills me. My therapist and I had the most amazing chuckle about it last week. I was literally learning how all this happens while it was actually happening to me. I even wrote a paper on attachment styles and disorders. Yup. Frog in the boiling water alright.

So in short yes find a therapist. You will feel a million times better for doing so. Oh yes and eat the expensive ice cream. It helps immensely too.

Ok off to work  . Hope everyone has a peaceful and joy filled day. 

[Reforming]

Hi Going Places,

I would agree with the others here and recommend therapy.

It's not a magic wand. You have to really engage and work at it and on yourself, but the right therapist and the right therapy can really help you move forward and avoid making the same mistakes again.

I began with REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) during the final breakup. It really helped me through the initial trauma and chaos of what was a crazy time.

At that point I knew nothing about BPD or PDs in general and my therapy was focused on understanding my own choices and responses, to my exes behaviour

Later when I discovered this site I got short series of CBT sessions. My therapist was aware of PDs (though it wasn't his area of expertise), but the treatment were very short (6 x 25 min) and though they helped to address some of my symptoms, grief, anxiety, anger, depression I didn't think they really addressed my underlying issues

By this point I had begun to realise that my ex was very likely BPD and become much more aware of the dynamics of my relationship, which lasted almost 16 years.

I realised that;

1. The relationship had done considerable damage to me

2. Even more importantly I recognised even if my ex was BPD I had serious issues of my own that had drawn me to me to her and kept me in what was a very unhealthy and destructive relationship.

I realised that if I really wanted to move forward and be healthy I would need more help. I decided to try and work with a therapy that understood PDs and and could help me address my own pre-existing issues

Over the last year I worked with two Schema therapists for two periods of about 4 months. It's definitely helped, though it's surprising how resistant I can be to owning my own choices.

I would say most therapy is better than none, but a good therapist and the right therapy can make a huge difference.

It's worth researching different therapies and therapists - it requires a considerable investment of time, trust and money, but don't let this become an obstacle to getting help

Try and set clear goals for your therapy, a good therapist will encourage you do that, and periodically review your progress with your therapist.

One session a week can only accomplish so much. To quote that old cliche you get back what you put in.

Do your homework, journal and practice the skills and techniques.

Be patient and compassionate with yourself and the pace of your progress…

Real, lasting change takes time and persistent effort and progress is rarely linear. You fall down plenty, but that is part of the process.

All the best

Reforming

[Pingo]

Goingplaces, I think the trick is to find the right T.  I saw one during and after my BU and I was also reading a lot at the time and found that I was learning just as much from the books I was reading as I did in my T session.  I felt like I wasn't getting too much out of it.  And it was very pricy so this prompted me to try a different T.  The difference is remarkable.  This T gets me out of my head and really connects with me.  Not sure how.  The first one I wasn't able to reach deep down into my feelings. The second is so relaxed, validating and I find I can really be honest and vulnerable with her.  This website has also been crucial for me as well along with all the great books I've read but sometimes I get stuck, depressed and lose my objectivity and she is able to help me move forward and get 'un-stuck'.