The pain is unbearable

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am the mother of the 25 year-old dd.  I am reading a book and reading others' blogs and watching videos on S.E.T.  but I am so discouraged.  Since my dd does not agree that she has BPD, I don't see how we can ever have a positive relationship.  Right now her dad is her bf but he will eventually tick her off and then she may turn back to me.  This fllip-flopping happens over and over and completely drains me. I realize that I have reacted inappropriately when pushed to the limit and that I need to learn to respond using the S.E.T. principles and validation BUT I sometimes believe that I will have to sever our relationship indefinitely.  I have reached out by text but I don't think I ever say the right thing and I don't know if she will ever respond.  I am feeling very low right now and despite having a psychiatrist & a therapist I usually end up calling the crisis line once or twice a week. I feel as though I must grieve the figurative  'death' of my dd and move on with my life without her in it.  What do others do when they feel they might have to give up the fight just to survive? It's not that I really want to lose her but it looks like she may give me no choice if she refuses to communicate with me.

[jeb]

I am the mother of the 25 year-old dd.  I am reading a book and reading others' blogs and watching videos on S.E.T.  but I am so discouraged.  Since my dd does not agree that she has BPD, I don't see how we can ever have a positive relationship.  Right now her dad is her bf but he will eventually tick her off and then she may turn back to me.  This fllip-flopping happens over and over and completely drains me. I realize that I have reacted inappropriately when pushed to the limit and that I need to learn to respond using the S.E.T. principles and validation BUT I sometimes believe that I will have to sever our relationship indefinitely.  I have reached out by text but I don't think I ever say the right thing and I don't know if she will ever respond.  I am feeling very low right now and despite having a psychiatrist & a therapist I usually end up calling the crisis line once or twice a week. I feel as though I must grieve the figurative  'death' of my dd and move on with my life without her in it.  What do others do when they feel they might have to give up the fight just to survive? It's not that I really want to lose her but it looks like she may give me no choice if she refuses to communicate with me.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hopeangel]

I am so sorry for your pain Jeb.

This has happened to me several times during what I call 'the dark days' and it is SO cruel.

It is the nature of their illness to push away those they love and project their pain onto them, this is why they are so cruel to us - it  really isn't meant and it comes from a dark place within them, not from anything we have done.

This is why it is imperative to persevere with the tools such as SET and validation, they are key to effective communication but it can take a very long time to pay off and there was a time when whatever I said I was vilified and subjected to horrible tirades and character assassinations.

I don't know how to survive during these times, except to remind yourself that it is dd's illness speaking not the real her, you are there to support WHEN she will let you, but otherwise you cannot control another.

Put your own healing first for awhile, use the time she won't see you as a time for self-care and get yourself back to a place where you CAN go on again and be strong for you both.

One thing I am learning right now is the need for boundaries to save myself, only then can I be of use and reach out and save my dd when it is necessary, when I am destroyed we are both going under and one of us needs to get us out!

Sooth yourself and save yourself now, treat yourself with the respect you deserve, this task is monumental and you need superhuman strength and when she next reaches out - it will be your choice to deal with her as you have studied and learned to, if she can't respond well at that time, that is ok - you have done your very best in that instance, recover, heal again and wait for the next opportunity to engage.

Everyone says self-care is crucial and it is, if YOU go under who is there then?  So take really good care of yourself - you are very much needed, even if you are pushed to your limits and driven away.

My dd and i have a good relationship now, she still has the power to make me despair for my own sanity at times but I now know I am doing my very best and it IS working and it IS good enough, for what more can I do?

Keep learning, read and learn all you c, but take the time to recover and reassemble yourself, all the tools you can master in place and the next time (or the time after that or whenever) you may experience a big breakthrough.

Right now your dd thinks you are the enemy but her illness skews her perceptions so you are not really causing this with your behaviour it is a brain disorder, with the pain she is in she will take you (or anyone) down with her if you are vulnerable and not looking after yourself. That is not her fault - they crash through people out of desperation.

It will be a long slow process but improvements CAN be implemented, I have come from your place and although life is far from rosey, it is workable and dd and I are usually reasonably close.  When in your shoes I would have given everything to be where I am now and yet I am here.

I would just like to stress to you to heal and recover, find some happiness for yourself (I got into gardening at that time but whatever you fancy) grow into the sort of person who can deal with this monster of an illness.  You are very special to your dd, she just can't figure that out right now but keep on creeping forward.

I hope this helps and I am so very sorry for your suffering, which I know so well.

[jeb]

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I will do my best to persevere and take whatever crumbs she might offer.  It makes such a difference to hear from people who have walked in my shoes and see that there is another world on the other side of the rainbow.  I know patience is key.  I am a mathematics teacher by profession (but no way can I get a job in my province of Ontario, Canada) so I tutor.  My students and their parents give me validation when they are so appreciative and then I know that some people actually do appreciate me.  I really enjoy my tutoring and seeing the light bulb go on with my students.

I will hope and wait to see what happens with my dd.  I think I will continue to send her a short text on a weekly basis just to let her know I am still here for her when and if she decides to let me back into her life.  It is always hard to know what to text that will not enrage her but I think validating how difficult she is finding life right now (trying to find a job for the next 4 months until 4th year of  nursing begins in September).  Although I try to have minimal contact with my ex I will ask him for a brief weekly update on her (he has agreed to do this on the QT because she doesn't want us talking about her to each other period). This is the only way I will have any clue as to any thing that is happening in her life.

[theplotthickens]

Hi Jeb!

I totally understand what you mean by the pain and grief that we go through.  However, I encourage you to take one day at a time and not dwell too much on what might or might not happen in the future.  I personally don't believe it is helpful to discuss diagnosis with our kids, but some may disagree with that.  Things may turn around at some point, and very well might.  In their 30's, BPD's tend to do much better.  I tend to think that there is a developmental delay aspect to BPD that makes them improve later in life.

I highly recommend "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" by Randi Kreger. It helped me SOO much!  This will help you to set boundaries and become unstuck in your relationship with your BPD, and encourage you to not minimize your own needs and emotions.  While we need to have compassion on our BPD's, we also need compassion for ourselves.  Your needs are no less important than your child's, and it is so easy to become exhausted and discouraged when dealing with this illness!

All we can do is control our end of the relationship.  We must come to a place where we are happy and thriving whether our children choose to recover or not.  I wish you wellness and wholeness!

[parent of bpd daughter]

Hi Jeb,

Your posts are really resonating with me lately. I am ready to give up too. I am pumped up with Xanax tonight just to stay numb  = the pain is unbearable dealing with their attacks and hatred - BPDD decided out of the blue to visit for Easter - she's been throwing hate bombs my way for 2 days now - I can't take it. At the point - estrangement or I will die by my own hand - due to childhood baggage of my own. I wish I had a friend - I wish we were all here together to help each other- hug each other... . we are in a tough spot - I am losing my only other family  = her sister due to the insane manipulations - I wish I was dead right now- 35 years now with BPDD parenting - I can't do it anymore - I want to sleep the long sleep - cannot do this anymore.

[jeb]

Hi parent of BPD daughter,

I really hear you and I hope you are getting professional help.  I know that I see both my psychiatrist (which is thankfully covered here in Canada) and a social worker who I see every week or every other week.  As I am reading in the "How not to walk on eggshells" book, I have no control over her actions, only my own reactions.  I am trying to get by day to day and do grieve the 'figurative' death of my daughter.  But as others have posted sometimes it turns around so don't give up entirely, but can take a really long time.  I am so sorry to hear that  your other daughter is being sucked into your dd's delusions.  I guess where I am lucky is that my nonBPD son sees the true nature of his sister and wants little to do with her since he has also been a target of her rages and I am so thankful for him.  I hope you can reach out to friends or co-workers or other relatives for support.  I know my friends became an absolute necessity after my divorce in 2011 and my ex's remarriage just 1 year ago.  BTW the ex has suffered greatly too with her tirades but isn't as affected as emotionally as I am.  I have decided to draw a line in the sand and I will do my best to validate her if and when she contacts me but I will not be her punching bag any more and if she becomes abusive I will say calmly that I refuse to tolerate that behaviour and say that I must say goodbye and then hang up without rancour.

It is not perfect and there are many times during the day when I break down but you and I and all other parents of BPD children regardless of their chronological age deserve better and we are not responsible for their illness.  My psychiatrist has said many times that my daughter's brain is wired differently and that is not my fault.

[pessim-optimist]

It still takes me by surprise at times, how hard all this can be... .  

None of us had ever envisioned that our relationship with our child would turn out this way... .

This kind of hateful, painful estrangement can be worse than a death in a way. The repeated grief with little or no closure is hard to bear... .

With passing time, it does get better. When we have been through several cycles, and understand the illness better we not only have better tools to protect ourselves AND to keep a better connection. We also know what's behind the ugly words, we do not take it personally, and don't get fooled by the current issue. We can see it more from a distance. The only thing that's painful that remains is the disconnect itself and the pain that goes with it... .

Put your own healing first for awhile, use the time she won't see you as a time for self-care and get yourself back to a place where you CAN go on again and be strong for you both.

One thing I am learning right now is the need for boundaries to save myself, only then can I be of use and reach out and save my dd when it is necessary, when I am destroyed we are both going under and one of us needs to get us out!

Sooth yourself and save yourself now, treat yourself with the respect you deserve, this task is monumental and you need superhuman strength and when she next reaches out - it will be your choice to deal with her as you have studied and learned to, if she can't respond well at that time, that is ok - you have done your very best in that instance, recover, heal again and wait for the next opportunity to engage.

Everyone says self-care is crucial and it is, if YOU go under who is there then?  So take really good care of yourself - you are very much needed, even if you are pushed to your limits and driven away.

Keep learning, read and learn all you can, but take the time to recover and reassemble yourself, all the tools you can master in place and the next time (or the time after that or whenever) you may experience a big breakthrough.

This is very wise advice.

[Pizzas123]

Hi Parent,

I know that your are feeling so low and all of this with your child is painful.  We have all been there.  Just know there are people here who care and that you will not be forgotten in our prayers every night.

Hugs

[parent of bpd daughter]

Hi all,

Sorry to monopolize this thread - started out just sympathizing then just kind of list it for a minute. Thanks to  Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia and all the wonderful souls on here - today is much better day. Had to have 1 last encounter with BPDD for brunch (that she complained heavily about which I paid way too much for) - but now it's Done! She's gone back to her home 100's of miles away and I will work with my therapist how to say NO - next time she wants to visit. I can't handle her anymore - she's married with a family now - time for someone else (i.e. her spouse and in-laws) to deal with her abuse. I'm happy here in my home with my 3 little pups always glad to see me -

My 21yo nonBPDD agrees - NO MORE HOLIDAYS with her BPD sister - life is short - why ruin it on people that will never/can never change. Will work with my therapist how to keep her away from now on. I will pay for her therapy from a Distance IF she ever agrees to go - that's all I can do anymore.