You know you're doing something right

[Mutt]

I have been worried sick about my kids, about the the effects a uBPD mom will have on them. The emotional fall-out. This post is not so much about that, it's more about recognizing what you are doing right.

This is my week with the kids. D8, S6, S2.

I struggle with D8, the mom parts. Hair, clothes. I went shopping for clothes for her a couple of weeks back, and I thought I was going to get a panic attack. I was looking for bottoms in the girls section, the different sizes, skorts, skirts, leggings, jeggings, it was making my head spin  

I picked up the kids, and immediately D8 said "J (replacement) is moving in with us at the end of the month, I don't like him, I don't want him to move in" Saturday I managed to talk to her, I asked what she was feeling, why she doesn't like him. She said ":)ad, it's the kids at school, they are asking me if he's my father when he comes to pick me up. I say no, I have a father, he's my mom's boyfriend"

D8 says, "it confuses the other kids at school, I just tell them that it's not something that I want to talk about"

I told her that I'm proud of her, she has boundaries and it's OK to not talk about if you don't feel like it. Don't feel bad. People get married and sometimes it doesn't work out. Being married with mom right now, just means that she can't marry someone, that's it. He's her boyfriend, I'm your dad.

D8 says that she counts the days when she is with mom to see me. She says S2, asks to go back home to dad when he gets in the door at uBPDex, when I bring them back.

S5 says later, "dad you're the best dad" "do I have to go to school today?" I said "no", he then says "yeah! I get to spend time with you"

S2 was coming up to me and giving me hugs on Fri, Saturday. He's potty training, and just to see a big smile on his face after going on the potty, and helping him. It feels good.

It's the little things like that, that you know your doing the right thing. It took the edge off of my anxieties with the future and ex. They are still young, so I don't know what it's going to be like they are older. But I think we me in the picture half of the time, they'll be OK.

[david]

Our older boy was 8.5 when ex ran away. I signed him up for a group at his school. I forget what it was called but it was for divorced families. It helped him a lot. There were 15 kids from his class of 19 that were in the group. When he told me that I was shocked.

[Mutt]

There were 15 kids from his class of 19 that were in the group. When he told me that I was shocked.

 wow. That puts it into context.

I didn't know how many seperated / divorced people there were, until I came to this side of the fence.

[Turkish]

Your post is sad... . but it is also so heartwarming, Mutt. Great Dad!

You must feel really good to hear your kids say that. I tell my son, "you're the best son ever," and "your'e a good boy!" Once he replied, "Yes, I'm a good boy!" Little narc! I also always tell my daughter, "You're the best baby in the world!" I look into her eyes and of course I mean it. My T gave me a short aside about how our kids define themselves by looking at the faces of their parents. I always look my kids in the eyes, smile as much as I can (in between dealing with their tantrums), and say positive things to them. I'm certainly no pushover dad, but I think my experience with their mom and learning about BPD, I want them to attach and detach healthily, to form complete and healthy senses of themselves. It's a far cry from thier mom who didn't even start talking until she was 5 (what a core abandonment wound she must have had, so sad).

That just blows about her bf picking the kids up from school. Is that a logistical thing, or do you think she is doing that on purpose? I assume you are there for the opposite weeks doing the same. Your kids sound strong, though. You know who they get that from. 

[Mutt]

Thanks Turk!

My T gave me a short aside about how our kids define themselves by looking at the faces of their parents. I always look my kids in the eyes, smile as much as I can (in between dealing with their tantrums), and say positive things to them.

Your T has a good point. Thanks for sharing that, it's something that I will apply. My adoptive mom that passed away, I have a particular memory of her that I go back to. It's her hugging me, and smiling. I was young, 4, maybe 5.

That just blows about her bf picking the kids up from school. Is that a logistical thing, or do you think she is doing that on purpose? I assume you are there for the opposite weeks doing the same. Your kids sound strong, though. You know who they get that from.  

I think to her it's a logistical thing. A few months before that, the kids (S6) where asked to put pictures of their family on the outside their classroom for display.

A mother of my son's friend relayed this to me, this is before I had shared custody. She put a picture of him and replacement together in a pic, to the left of that pic, it was a picture of me alone. That was the visual presentation of my son's family. It doesn't phase her. As far as picking them up after school, daycare drops them off, picks them up after school, I pick them up after work. I work shift work but I trade the shifts that are too late with co-workers, and work in between 0800, 0900 the weeks that I have my kids. But the pics, him going to school picking them up are both out of my control. I have no idea how he can get to school, he works, the kids get off just after 15:00.

He should know better as well, maybe have a little empathy for what my kids are going through? Or, maybe I'm looking too much in the black / white area? He didn't have problems with sleeping over 2 weeks after the split, at my ex's house.

[Turkish]

 Like attracts like.  it's no surprise he'll think of himself and her and have  little too no empathy for what the kids might feel.

I  forgot you were adopted... .  one more thing we have in common.

[Turkish]

Thanks Turk!

My T gave me a short aside about how our kids define themselves by looking at the faces of their parents. I always look my kids in the eyes, smile as much as I can (in between dealing with their tantrums), and say positive things to them.

Your T has a good point. Thanks for sharing that, it's something that I will apply.

I also hold them and we look in the mirror at ourselves together, I give positive affirmations, or in DS4's case, since he's such a clown, we say and do funny things. I think it bonds us more together, so they know I am their daddy, not some interloper. In the hallway mirror on the way taking them from their bath to the room, for instance, I always stop. Even if DD2 is resistant, I still get her to look and we smile.


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